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Old 03-11-2020, 01:54 PM   #1
summersover
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Question Being Bisexual

Hi PsychCentral,

I come here from time to time if I have a problem that's on my mind that I can't seem to work out in real life. This community has always been very supportive and I always enjoy it when I come back here.

So, for as long as I can remember, I've had feelings for both males and females. Even when I was a little girl, I always thought women were so beautiful and could tell even then that I was sexually attracted to them. However, my bisexuality is something I don't really acknowledge often, and I consider it to be a part of myself that is barely existent. I've only had romantic/sexual feelings for a girl once when I was in middle school, but I didn't act on it as I believed she was straight. That came and went, and it never really happened to me again until recently, with a coworker.

Now, it's about ten years after that crush (I'm 24 now, almost 25) and I didn't think I'd experience loving a woman again. It's been uncomfortable, to say the least, dealing with these feelings, especially when said coworker is extremely hard to read. She has a boyfriend, but I've noticed some strange things about her that migh signify that she's either bisexual or curious. For example, I got her roses on Valentine's Day and she seemed really happy and grateful for them (even though we barely interact at work). Also, I noticed that she had a tab open on the work computer of a song by Hailey Kiyoko (a lesbian singer). All of these things mixed together (the uncertainity of her sexuality, my uncomfortable feelings regarding my bisexuality) has caused me to become quite...uncomfortable.

What I wanted to ask is this...how do I deal with this? Should I ask her upfront, or let all of this go and ignore it? How should I deal with being uncomfortable about my own sexuality?
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Old 03-13-2020, 05:14 PM   #2
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Smile Re: Being Bisexual

I don't know as I really have much of anything useful to offer with regard to your concerns. However I noticed you had yet to receive a reply to this post. So I thought I would offer one.

At the end of your post you asked how to deal with your feelings regarding this young woman on whom you have a crush. And previously you mentioned you had only had this experience once before when you were in middle school & you consider your bisexuality to be a part of you that is barely existent. You now wonder if you should ask your friend, upfront, if she is perhaps bisexual & might possibly be open to a relationship or if you should just ignore your feelings. You also asked how you should deal with being uncomfortable with your own sexuality.

I'm no sort of expert with regard to these sorts of things. I don't think you should ignore your feelings. But my inclination would be to suggest perhaps what you might consider doing first is to try to come to some clarification with regard to your own sexual orientation, perhaps with the guidance of a therapist who is experienced in working with individuals who have sexual orientation concerns, before you take it upon yourself to approach a coworker.

For one thing, this is apparently only the second time in quite a few years you've had the feelings you're experiencing. For another you have only the merest sense that this young woman might possibly be receptive. Plus, given that you are apparently coworkers, should she not be receptive, your overture could potentially have ramifications beyond simply your relationship with this one young woman. She could possibly out you to other coworkers. She could also, I presume, file a sexual harassment claim with the employer. And something such as that could potentially damage your position with the company you now work for as well as follow you as you seek alternative employment opportunities in the future. And, at least the way it sounds to me reading your post, you're not even sure in your own mind if this potential relationship is something you'd really want even it your coworker was interested.

There is a lot of potential risk here, it seems to me, & not a whole lot of potential for benefit. It seems to me the wise course of action would be to recognize you have some uncertainty regarding your sexual orientation, take steps to address that, & simply continue to be friends with the young woman who has caught your eye so to speak. In the process it may become more clear to you whether or not this young woman would be open to a relationship or not. And if she is an opportunity to make an overture may present itself, assuming you continue to want to pursue the relationship. But, all things considered, my personal sense is now is not the right time for you to put yourself out there. As my father used to like to say many years ago: "discretion is the better part of valor." My best wishes to you.
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Old 03-13-2020, 10:15 PM   #3
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I agree with the Skeez. I think it would be too risky to try to bring her out, if she even has potential interest in a woman.
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Old 03-17-2020, 11:52 AM   #4
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Default Re: Being Bisexual

Thank you both.
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