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Old 06-16-2020, 10:29 PM   #1
just2b
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Default Doing some searching...

So lately, I am finding myself extremely confused. A little history, I have an abusive history, I am divorced. After divorce I explored being with a woman. It was amazing!! During the past 7 years I have not dated men nor women. I am finding myself with the thought that I am "in love" with my therapist. And we have talked. I have confused "falling in love" with an emotional bond with her making it possibly be more "motherly". Lately, I am revisiting this. I have brought it up to her again. I know that I have to meet others possibly men and women to find out. I am extremely petrified of getting into a friendship with both. The fear is the emotional bond, as I think that is what making me feel as if Iam "in love" with my therapist. So if I am seeking friends, and i am taking to a woman, and start to feel like I am getting closer to her, what do i do? What terrifies me more a guy or girl? being with a man because of my past abusive history. Women terrify me because I have been emotionally hurt by women. I crave the kind of relationships you see on tv with another girl. I think sexually Iam not attracted to either sex until I get to know you and then it becomes the most terrrifying thing. Let me be clear it is not terrifying to be a lesbian but emotionally connected with someone.

Thoughts ?
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Old 06-17-2020, 05:23 AM   #2
CatsNstuff
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Default Re: Doing some searching...

Hi just2b, I'm not a therapist, I just wanted to respond.

Being attracted to your therapist is a normal part of the healing process. Talk to your therapist openly about it, if they are a good therapist they will respond in a way that bolsters your corrective attachment experience while staying within the ethical bounds of a therapist/client relationship. Strong emotional feelings are a good sign of healing, people with attachment issues need to experience positive relational experiences to heal and that is what therapists are suppose to be, a strong positive relationship to act as a corrective experience to correct for the negative relational experiences of our past.

I am a 30 year old man, below I will be talking about my traumatic sexual past and it might be triggering.

Possible trigger:


For me it's been 5 years of healing, 5 years of recognizing my trauma, talking to therapists and opening up to friends. I've explored my sexuality, my humanity. I am proud to be queer, polyamorous and pansexual. I am pansexual, my attraction is not limited by sex or gender, I am polyamorous, my romantic love is not limited to one person. We humans need to form bonds with eachother, we need it to be happy, it's why solitary confinement is one of the cruelest punishments known to humankind.

TV is just that, TV, it is not an accurate representation of real life. Life is hardly ever so clear cut as a script. Life is complicated, fluid and filled with uncertainty. Be kind to yourself as you explore your sexuality, your humanity. So many of us have grown up in a sex negative, emotional negative culture which isolates us from one another and the resources we need to learn, to grow and be happy. We are all different, how we think, how we feel, how our body reacts to the world, but there are somethings common to us all. We all need intimate bonds to be happy humans, intimate bonds with our friends, our family, our animals. We don't all need romantic or sexual bonds, but we do need intimate bonds.

It's okay to be confused, it's okay to be unsure and it's okay to change who you are if that's what feels right to you. There is a huge spectrum of sexuality, it's okay to not know where you sit on the spectrum or if you even want to be on the spectrum. Heterosexuality, homosexuality, pansexuality, asexuality are just a few of the sexualities humans can express. Polyamory, monogomy, and celibacy are expressions of our romantic/sexual values, each of us is different, and each of us have to find out which one fits us best, when it fits us best. Life is ever changing and you might find yourself shifting from one expression to another throughout life, or you might stay with one expression throughout your whole life. It's your life, be kind to yourself, be kind to others, you deserve it .

I know forums filled with text can be quite impersonal so I'd like to recommend a podcast, Psychology in Seattle with MFT. Kirk Honda. His podcast has helped me a lot in feeling safe and helping me to break down the walls of shame and negativity that has embedded themselves in my mind living in a sex/emotion negative culture. He and his colleagues/guests are incredibly kind, articulate and funny. I like to listen on Podcast Addict, but you can find it on Itunes, Castbox and various other podcast apps. You can also just go on his website/youtube to listen. On the top row of his website you'll find "Episodes by Subject", probably the easiest way to filter for what you're looking for, I think you'll be more interested in the Sexuality and Gender subjects.

Episode recommendation for you:

#983 - 11/04/19 - Falling in Love with Your Therapist
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Last edited by CatsNstuff; 06-17-2020 at 05:46 AM..
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Old 06-18-2020, 01:05 AM   #3
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Default Re: Doing some searching...

Your reply brought me to tears. I have been bringing it up with my therapist. She has been great. I am scared to death to meet people.
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Old 06-18-2020, 01:56 AM   #4
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please delete this post
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Old 06-26-2020, 04:18 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by just2b View Post
please delete this post
To have your post deleted I presume you'll need to click on the little triangle with the exclamation point inside that appears in the bottom left-hand corner of your post's box. (At least that's the way it appears on my laptop.) That will bring up a box where you can submit a request to have your post deleted.
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