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Old 10-04-2020, 08:19 PM   #1
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Default How to be happy being different from everyone and being an outsider

It's hard enough to admit that you're different from others, but how do you reconcile it?

I don't fit in with straight cisgender people and I don't fit in with LGBT people because I'm not out enough (as in dating someone who isn't straight/cis and/or actively transitioning and/or pushing for the correct pronouns etc.). I don't want to fight that fight. I don't have allies and I don't feel up to a me against the world scenario.

So how do you accept being different and not get lonely when you're not like anybody else?
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Old 10-05-2020, 04:07 PM   #2
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To be honest, I feel a bit uncomfortable being the one to reply to your post. (I frequently seem to end up being the first [sometimes the only] PC member who replies to posts that bear any relationship to gender identity.) But I noticed you had yet to receive a reply to this post. And, truth be told, I do appreciate any opportunity to post on anything even marginally related to gender-related concerns. So I thought I would offer what I can.

I'm an old man now. Plus I'm married. So I'm not exactly in the situation you're in. But I do believe I understand something of what you're experiencing. Although I've chosen to remain in my AMAB role, over the years, gender dysphoria (plus some other stuff I won't get into) has devoured me from the inside out. I've never felt comfortable around men in general. (They always seemed to have sensed there was something "not quite normal", so to speak, about me.) And I'm not really particularly comfortable around women either. So I've ended up becoming pretty-much a total recluse. (I even keep my wife at arm's length for the most part.)

Despite all of that, I have secretly yearned for friendships with others such as myself. However I never really found anyone. A dozen years ago or so there was a small active MtF community on YouTube. And I came to know several of the YouTubers who were documenting their transitions there. But at the time there was also quite a bit of discussion regarding what was referred to as "tranny chasers". And I sometimes felt as though some of the trans YouTubers I interacted with suspected I was, in reality, a tranny chaser which I thought was sad given what my own gender dysphoria has done to me over the years. But I wasn't transitioning. So I just didn't really quite fit in. And since then I've tried joining, & becoming active, on a couple of gender-identity-related forum websites. But, there again, since I made the decision to stick it out in my AMAB role, I just don't fit in. (I haven't ever even tried having anything to do with the transgender community where I live. That would raise a whole 'nother web of complexity in my marriage.) So I'm alone. Truth be told, I don't even really feel as though I fit in here on PC. I've simply kept coming back & sort-of created a role for myself. But no one's really interested in my primary issues. So I mostly just keep them to myself here on PC as well except for replying to the occasional post such as yours.

So... with all of that written, you asked how you accept being different and not get lonely when you're not like anybody else. And I have to say I don't know if you do. I've been fighting this my entire life. Even years ago when I had a few people around me from time-to-time, I felt alone because there were huge parts of me they knew nothing about & doubtless would have judged severely. I think, perhaps, the key here may lie within what you wrote about not being like anybody else. The reality may be (at least I've come to accept it probably is for me) that there are other people out there like you... people who will accept you & embrace you as the person you really are. But, first, you have own who you are & then go out & find those others who are like you. Short of becoming some sort of monk & deliberately spending your life alone in quiet meditation, I don't know of any way to just accept that you're different & so you'll just have to accept being alone. I saw a gender therapist for a brief period of time. And talking with her about things I had never shared with anyone felt wonderful. But it was still just an hour every couple of weeks or so. And, beyond that, I still felt completely isolated... because I was (& still am.)

So perhaps what is necessary, if you're not a person who just prefers being alone, is to make the commitment to "come out" as we like to say, own who you are, & then go out & find others who are like you. I do believe they are out there. There were many years (decades really) when I thought I must be the only person in the world who was afflicted with the freakishness I dealt with. But the one thing I have come to realize... too late to do anything about it unfortunately... is that there are (& always were) others like me out there. I simply never allowed myself to be the person I truly was so I could find them. I'm sorry that's undoubtedly not what you wanted to read in the way of a reply. Perhaps other PC members will yet have better suggestions to offer. But it has been, & still is, my truth. Unless one is just naturally a person who prefers to be alone (some people do I guess) I don't think there is a way to genuinely accept being isolated & alone because one feels one is different from everybody else. That just ends up being a never-ending struggle. Best wishes...
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Old 11-03-2020, 12:29 PM   #3
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Default Re: How to be happy being different from everyone and being an outsider

Your not the only one who is in this situation. Does that make a difference, I don't know. But I'm also old and have no interest in transitioning at this point in my life. When I was young I didn't dare tell anyone. I spent a large part of my life not wanting to live. But I don't feel that way anymore. It's really just become part of who I am. I don't have any close freinds because I don't feel safe telling anyone so it limits how emotionally connected I can become to anyone. I know this may be a incomplete thought but I read this post and felt I needed to say something
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