Fart Humor

Why is it that women (most, anyways) can't find the humor in a well-timed fart or a good fart story? Farts happen...

While talking to a friend on the phone today, I farted in the receiver. I laughed until tears streamed down my face. My friend asked, "What was that?" I told him it was just the wind. My wife didn't see the hilarity of the story...& in fact called me "a pig," before questioning whether I was getting manic. Bipolar disorder & fart humor...connection, coincidence, or am I just a pig?

I've always seen the funny side of fart humour, but I am warped that way. I cannot say whether you are becoming Manic, but your phone joke has merit

Dave.

Social conditioning. And to be honest, that's the public face most women put on. Around each other, they can get just nasty.

LOL. Men have been asking that question from time immemorial. Ask yourself this: Are women generally crass and lacking in manners? Do they look for a man who has manners and treats them with respect? Once you answer these questions you will know why women don't cotton to the occasional fart joke. Of course we all know women don't like 'The Three Stooges', for the same reasons.

As for me...when in the AF a roommate blasted the longest fart I had ever heard, five minutes. Now that my friend was hilarious!

I really think that most men, at least those that I have known, would like to have a more high-brow approach to fart humor, but that there is something that is a part of the Y chromosome that causes us to roll around on the floor breaking wind if we so much as hear the word, sometimes. One explosion, or even a gently broken puff or the suggestion of an oncoming, leads to another explosion and you'll soon have a roomful of two-dozen men laughing, farting and trying (hoping and praying) that they'll not need to actually leave the gathering because of a shart.

But farts (both vaginal and ****) play an important role in developing relationships with all manner of gender identification. I would be interested to know if Caitlyn/Bruce Jenner still finds farts funny. Or if he didn't even as a man. That may be the real sniff test to see whether a man truly identifies as a female - and vice-versa.

Farts are usually going to become a part of any long-term relationship, no matter the amount of gaseous etiquette one has learned. A guy will generally allow colon explosions to occur before willing to let loose on a first round with the naughty bits. But it happens. Doesn't matter who's in which position, bottom or top, breaking wind in a "69" position? That's the one that will be remembered by everyone involved forever.

There are also, though, the first "vaginal poots" If you've never given or received one PLEASE DO NOT rush out and blow wind up a woman's vagina!!! That can cause death. Literally. Seriously. It just takes the right positioning, enough everything, to achieve vagarts; I once believed that it was only something that happened with men with larger than natural penises and women with smaller than average vaginas. It's nervously funny the first time it happens but it really can be fatal and that's not worth even a good fart joke.

Male or female, experiencing your first fart in a relationship should be followed by laughter (at least, that's what I believe). Yes, women must pretended to be offended - particularly if it's an under-the-cover fart and you thrust her head under to capture the ripeness of the bouquet - but if you're giggling in the morning, everything's fine.

Now her first time for a fragrant blossom can be handled in many ways but it's a good time to show your more tender side... usually. I've had lesbian friends who get off on the practice, and have a name for it (which I can't remember just now).

I've no idea how women, when away from men, actually handle fart humor. Do they gather round the television in anticipation of the campfire scene in Blazing Saddles?

When I was in high school we had a guy who played B team and came back for Varsity the following years. All through spring he did nothing but fart. Even before pads. These were a different kind of nervous farts. These weren't nervous farts that anticipated death, this was gas from a man long dead. It was okay when the snow had passed and we could get outside. But those previous weeks were like playing "keep away from Dale." Literally getting as far away from Dale as possible. He was a linemen, I was a WR so we didn't clash too often.

The funny thing was that Dale knew that he had a gas problem. The school doc had him on these charcoal capsules that were supposed to make the gas better, make sure that it passed. He had a sense of humor about it. I have a lot of stories about Dale. He was a wonderful guy and he had a kind of warped sense of sin and scrupulosity. He liked to play "what kind of penance would you give" and he'd come up with a pretty ordinary sinner with some pretty ordinary sins BUT there would be a twist.

For Dale, there was humor in farting but there was something spiritual, too, I think. He would endow some of his penitents with it as penance, as a trial, etc.

I don't think that women see anything spiritual in farting - but I just have a hard time thinking that they see it without any humor at all.

Maybe it is a Y chromosome thing? I would hate to think that women just lack a sense of humor.

July 4th, 2005 - My friends and I, after a few drinks on the beach, stopped at a Denny's for a restroom break.

So, I'm in the Denny's men's room, taking a leak, right next to a stall. As I start to relieve myself, I hear a wind instrument playing in the stall. The pitch range of the instrument was quite impressive, and it wasn't in a hurry to stop playing. At this point, it's kind of like a life/death situation where time slows down and each second feels like a minute, you know ?

So, I'm counting - 3 seconds, 5 seconds, 10 seconds, ... and on, while the symphony is in full flow. And while I'm counting, my whole body is shaking so violently with muffled laughter that, after a few seconds, I'm no longer able to aim at the latrine. It's all over the place I hope Denny's will forgive me for that

Of course, I'll never know the exact duration, but I'm willing to bet the symphony lasted a good 20-30 seconds of flute powered by Denny's Di-Sulfide.

I can't remember what ended first - me relieving myself, or the symphony
Anyway, by the time I was done, my face was a scarlet red from all the fresh blood pumped into it.

So, then, I stumble out into the dining area, still violently shaking from the muffled laughter, but trying my best not to appear like I'm deranged. I finally emerge outside the Denny's, where my friends were waiting for me.

They could see that something worthy of knowing had transpired. When asked, I tried (and tried and tried) to stop laughing so I could tell them what. It took me about 5 minutes before I could finally calm down enough to tell them what I had just experienced.

My friend and I call the unknown musician "Denny the Destroyer (of bowls)"

I don't have any funny stories. But my best friend is female and I once farted really loud around her and she laughed good-naturedly; she didn't care.

I had long forgotten about how my fear of being that musician used to keep me paralyzed in the stall until I was certain everyone else had left the room!

A friend of mine used to tell how he and his brothers were told they had to leave the dinner table and go into the bathroom before passing gas, but since the bathroom door was directly across the hall they could just back in a bit and still keep their faces in the dining room to help with the laughs.

A preacher once allegedly crossed some words and prayed everyone present be protected from the direy farts of the devil...

My wife and I now just share an occasional chuckle over our grandparent farts that seem to appear from nowhere while we are walking through the house.

Here is one that does not work well in print, but it was great when I heard it on the radio:

Me too, especially at my previous job !

Ok, maybe this is a bit extreme, but my best buddy and I developed a rating scale for farts, just like hurricanes have a Fajita scale: F1-F5, we have an F scale for farts that goes from F1-F5.

The Denny's performance I described earlier was an exemplary F5.