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Old 01-20-2017, 07:36 PM #1
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Default Help me someone

How can I get rid of all the negativity I've been through? I hope someone can help, there's been way too much for just one person and I just can't let go. Please help me... I need to release all my bad memories and I don't know how to do it.
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Old 01-21-2017, 07:00 PM #2
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Hello NothingPeopleDo: I'm sorry you are struggling with so much negativity. Since you don't say what all this negativity relates to, it's difficult to know what to say here. The mainstream answer is... seek the services of a mental health therapist with whom you can, over time, explore what you have been through & what it has done to you. Talking all of this through, over a period of time, will help you to come to an understanding of your situation. Your family & friends can't do this for you. Certainly there are other approaches. But therapy is the one the vast majority of people are going to pursue.
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Old 02-16-2017, 12:19 PM #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NothingPeopleDo View Post
How can I get rid of all the negativity I've been through? I hope someone can help, there's been way too much for just one person and I just can't let go. Please help me... I need to release all my bad memories and I don't know how to do it.
I'll be blunt.

You can't "get rid of" it. It's an unwinnable battle. Those things you've been through will always be there in your mind. The key is to change your perspective on it, change the meaning. Give it a different kind of relevance.

I've found that actually talking about my "bad" memories with someone that I trust to be helpful. As well as just not running away from it. Staring it down, unafraid.

I can see you're suffering, you know how to find me if you need to talk.

Clever username, by the way.
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Old 03-03-2017, 11:09 PM #4
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I agree 100% with AD. You can't get rid of the memories but changing your perspective can help.

Since I have found out about NPD and how it develops and the symptoms etc. It has helped me greatly. When I start to rage, I can step back and see myself, I can recognize that my giant ego is doing what it does best, protecting me with anger, it attacks. Underneath it is pain. I don't think I was ever hugged or reassured as a kid. I think I buried the pain because there wasn't a way to deal with it. Now I know my ego is too big and over active. Instead of reacting in anger I know it's okay and safe to react with sadness and hurt. I hope this makes some sense. One thing that helped me a lot was talking to my sister, we went through the same ****. I found it easy to feel really sad at her story and cry for her, then I realized I was crying for me too.

It's not easy but I think you have to feel the pain. Dip in a foot feel it, then drop your whole self in, understand it, acknowledge it accept it. You were mistreated. Something was taken or withheld from you. You have to grieve for it before you can move on. Even though it happened so many years ago I think you have to grieve for it, feel it's effect on your body, your spirit, your soul. Then I think you may be able to let go. Not forget but let go and move on. Release.

I think the challenge is getting in touch with those feelings and more importantly having a lifeline, safety net, time and people around you to support you through it. I think something buried for so long can take a long time to work through.

I am not a professional so I am merely speaking from my experiences and my heart and mind. I think we push the pain really far down but the cost is disconnecting from our emotions, and all the negatives that allows, you know you live with it everyday. Doing that means we never react with fear or hurt or vulnerability which should be quite normal and productive. Instead we always react with anger which only further injures and isolates us.

I hope some of this makes sense.
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Old 04-02-2017, 12:33 AM #5
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Memory loss is one of the only positive aspects of Dementia and stroke.

As I have contemplated my memories, good and bad, I realize that they are a part of me, they verify my existence. I am troubled when I look at what I wish I could have done differently and know that I can't change what occurred, I can only learn from it. I guess in a way that defines wisdom.

Sadly, wisdom comes after the experiences have occurred, often when it's too late or I am too old to create a more meaningful life. You know, because of the order in which wisdom develops, it provides me with a hint that this will not be my only life. I suppose my hope is that I may someday, in some other mindful manifestation, be able to correct the wrongs.

In this life it seems that the gift of your wisdom can be passed on and the hope that someone pauses long enough to listen and learn from your experiences with memory.
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Old 04-02-2017, 07:32 AM #6
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Plastic Fork. Thank you for writing this. I did pause to read and think about what you said. It makes me sad to hear all that remorse and regret, I live with the same. On the other hand I think you could've always stayed in that other place and never realized this, it may have been easier but I think as hard as this is it is better. It is maddening to me that our past has such a strong pull on us that it taints our thoughts and actions for so long and then we look at what we have done, what we have become and wonder if it can be changed.
I agree that we have a responsibility to each other to help one another to avoid these things being repeated, maybe that is the best we can do as we cannot unfortunately go back and change the past. Thanks for your insight.
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Old 04-02-2017, 03:53 PM #7
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Fractured Infant, do you ever experience those "Aha!", moments where what you once identified as a tragedy, creates the ground work for you to later experience what you now identify as a miracle?

I think that is a beautiful part about memory. It reveals the progression, the growing part, as we move through our own life, our very own experiences.

I don't know about anyone else, but I came into this life knowing nothing. I was wrapped in a blanket and people carried me around and made funny noises. I could tell hot from cold and a sensation in my belly meant that I either needed to find a source for substance or that my blanket was about to turn cold and wet. I didn't know anything else. Thank goodness someone shoved a teat in my mouth.

In order for my personality to start developing I had to mirror off of what was most often around me. I assume that was my Mother. I began noticing her reactions when I cried for food or wet the bed. The reactions were what I identified as positive or negative. So it all began.

I didn't start to figure out myself until I started to look at who I mirrored off of. Today I know that my Mother suffered from NPD and so a lot of the time, I mirrored off of a false image. She began to instill in me what she believed the perfect child should be.

Stopping here, I'm realizing that the way I interpret memory is not necessarily for me to assume as blame. My quest is to forgive myself and others.
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Old 04-07-2017, 05:11 PM #8
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Embrace the memories. They are in the past and they stick around to remind us of the experiences we have had. I harbor a ton of bad memories from my last relationship, but I also cherish the good ones. The bad memories have taught me a few important lessons about what I deserve and what I dont. Now the bad memories are buried deep and I know that I carry the weight of them everyday. I know there were many cases where my narcissitic traits have caused some of the things to happen in our relationship and those memories are even harder to deal with. But those are the memories I am also trying to embrace. They are my constant reminder to strive for a better tomorrow, treat those people who are important to me with more love and not repeat the mistakes I have made in the past. They are a brutal weight to carry around, but they are critical to my growth and for that I am thankful that I have them.

I can say from my experiences that without embracing the bad memories and learning from them now, will only haunt you in the future. Most of my narcissistic traits I exhibit revolve around a general fear of being alone or getting hurt again. After my divorce, rather than embracing and learning from my memories I fell further down the rabbit hole and those traits I hate so much came out in greater force. Embrace the memories and use them to rebuild a better you. And to second a few of the comments, talking about it helps immensely.
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Old 04-09-2017, 11:52 PM #9
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I agree 100% on forgiving yourself and others. I think it's also important to accept yourself and others. Forgiving myself wasn't enough for me. Accepting who I am and what I have done is what helped me move forward. It means going forward not with a new chance at the same life but a chance at a new life, if that makes sense.

I think it's also important not only to remember the bad things I have done but to dig deep and remember and understand how I became who I am. How can I accept anyone for who they are if I don't accept myself? Some good people I talked to told me to be good to myself and to try and not beat myself up. I think that's important.

I have to say I have a lot of respect for the people in this forum who have been coming here for a long time and talking about this and not giving up but instead helping others and in the process themselves too. It is so easy to stop trying, to be swept away by your past, it takes constant effort to keep at this and to me it shows a good character.
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Old 04-10-2017, 01:17 PM #10
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Great point about forgiving yourself. That is something I have not been doing at all. I always felt that I deserved anything my last partner would throw at me because I had done some very terrible things.

Im definitely ashamed of some of the things I have done but after a very long (and surprisingly great) conversation with my psychologist today, I finally realize that I did make those mistakes and now I need to focus on letting them go. The memories of things past are there to remind me of the person I don't want to be. Beyond that, they are also there to remind us of what we don't deserve as well. My situation is a little different, but still the same principle applies. Never be a victim of your memories, good or bad. They are there to help us become a better person tomorrow.
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