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Old 02-22-2018, 09:22 PM #1
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Default BPD mixed with which knows what (please help)

I have bpd but I知 sure I have another Cluster b disorder. I知 thinking I may be a covert narc because on surface I realized I seem unstable and depressed but underneath I feel heaps of anger, entitlement, superiority, and a painful need for validation and attention.

I have daydreams of people admiring me or being shocked at me, or pitying me. Typically the people who used to bully me in MS and my therapist or people I just met.
I知 very worried about my appearance. I could dress even slightly 努rong imo, and social anxiety and depression will ensue because I think I値l automatically look awful and fat.
I talk about myself. Way. Too. Much. I rant to my friends waaaayyy too much to the point where my saving grace is my silliness and humor. In fact I rather talk about myself and I only ask about their problems because it痴 the right thing to do, not really that I care unless it痴 my FP. In fact even when my FP talks to me about herself, i tend to zone out or feign considerable interest.
I hate humans, I hate the world for being so awful and horrible and stupid. I知 suicidal for my BPD but also because I feel like I don稚 wanna be around regular people anymore because they disgust me and the world痴 getting worse. When I die I want to learn the secrets of the world.n
I think I知 special and smarter than most people if not everyone. I always felt 電ifferent and still do.
My worst symptom which ties into my BPD. I have severe identity issues which causes me to latch onto a label for me to act out as. But whenever this identity is threatened by say my therapist or if I get invalidated even slightly, I fall apart. I致e split on my therapist recently for saying I should 鍍ry to let go of the labels thing. Like she and my therapists from before don稚 understand how deep this is for me. I NEED validation to survive. Whenever this kind of thing happens I get SUPER angry (to the point of violent thoughts) and eventually become very depressed about it and suicidal. (Even more than I usually do.) in fact I really hate her right now for it.
I知 sensitive to criticism. I perceive any change in tone or critical word as an insult or as someone being mad at me. My response is typically anger or hurt or both.
I think I deserve.. a lot of things lol. I feel like I deserve some type of compensation for living such a ****** life. A part of me can稚 believe that I知 actually living such a crap life with no upsides. I honestly feel like I deserve a million dollars for putting up with it.

I don稚 expect a full-on diagnosis. I知 gonna see a specialist soon but I知 not sure when that値l come be. I just really need to get insight.
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Old 02-23-2018, 11:30 AM #2
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Default Re: BPD mixed with which knows what (please help)

Hello,

Quote:
Originally Posted by BriarHeart18 View Post
I have bpd but I知 sure I have another Cluster b disorder. I知 thinking I may be a covert narc because on surface I realized I seem unstable and depressed but underneath I feel heaps of anger, entitlement, superiority, and a painful need for validation and attention.
Usually narcissists, even covert ones, don't seem unstable until you anger them.

Quote:
I have daydreams of people admiring me or being shocked at me, or pitying me. Typically the people who used to bully me in MS and my therapist or people I just met.
I知 very worried about my appearance. I could dress even slightly 努rong imo, and social anxiety and depression will ensue because I think I値l automatically look awful and fat.
This doesn't seem indicative of narcissism to me.

Quote:
I talk about myself. Way. Too. Much. I rant to my friends waaaayyy too much to the point where my saving grace is my silliness and humor. In fact I rather talk about myself and I only ask about their problems because it痴 the right thing to do, not really that I care unless it痴 my FP. In fact even when my FP talks to me about herself, i tend to zone out or feign considerable interest.
What do you mean by "too much"? That sounds like a pretty subjective statement.

Quote:
I hate humans, I hate the world for being so awful and horrible and stupid. I知 suicidal for my BPD but also because I feel like I don稚 wanna be around regular people anymore because they disgust me and the world痴 getting worse. When I die I want to learn the secrets of the world.n
I think I知 special and smarter than most people if not everyone. I always felt 電ifferent and still do.
Again this doesn't seem indicative of NPD to me. Misanthropy maybe, but that alone doesn't mean much in terms of personality disorders.

Quote:
My worst symptom which ties into my BPD. I have severe identity issues which causes me to latch onto a label for me to act out as. But whenever this identity is threatened by say my therapist or if I get invalidated even slightly, I fall apart. I致e split on my therapist recently for saying I should 鍍ry to let go of the labels thing. Like she and my therapists from before don稚 understand how deep this is for me. I NEED validation to survive. Whenever this kind of thing happens I get SUPER angry (to the point of violent thoughts) and eventually become very depressed about it and suicidal. (Even more than I usually do.) in fact I really hate her right now for it.
I知 sensitive to criticism. I perceive any change in tone or critical word as an insult or as someone being mad at me. My response is typically anger or hurt or both.
I think I deserve.. a lot of things lol. I feel like I deserve some type of compensation for living such a ****** life. A part of me can稚 believe that I知 actually living such a crap life with no upsides. I honestly feel like I deserve a million dollars for putting up with it.

I don稚 expect a full-on diagnosis. I知 gonna see a specialist soon but I知 not sure when that値l come be. I just really need to get insight.
None of this seems out of the realm of BPD, honestly.

It seems to me that your need for labels is directly tied in to your need for validation, and that need is surrounding your identity as you astutely stated yourself; so perhaps think of focusing on how to meet your need for validation in a way that is healthy instead of latching onto labels? Labels at the end of the day are pretty empty. They won't provide you with what you actually need to be a healthy and whole person.
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Old 02-23-2018, 03:31 PM #3
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Default Re: BPD mixed with which knows what (please help)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster View Post
Hello,



Usually narcissists, even covert ones, don't seem unstable until you anger them.



This doesn't seem indicative of narcissism to me.



What do you mean by "too much"? That sounds like a pretty subjective statement.



Again this doesn't seem indicative of NPD to me. Misanthropy maybe, but that alone doesn't mean much in terms of personality disorders.



None of this seems out of the realm of BPD, honestly.

It seems to me that your need for labels is directly tied in to your need for validation, and that need is surrounding your identity as you astutely stated yourself; so perhaps think of focusing on how to meet your need for validation in a way that is healthy instead of latching onto labels? Labels at the end of the day are pretty empty. They won't provide you with what you actually need to be a healthy and whole person.




I heard most npd people have daydreams of admiration and are very worried about their appearance. And too much meaning long paragrapahs in text about my problems like 4/7 days of the week. They haven稚 complained of it but it痴 hobestly excessive. I think my usual uplifting humor is what prevents them from getting mad at me about it, I知 not a downer all the time.

True but I thought misanthropy would matter in this case because I致e seen other NPD痴 pretty much hate everyone. Nvm then.

I figured that maybe it was BPD-ish because I致e read that the two disorders can be extremely similar. Anyway I still plan on seeing that specialist to get the full Picture. Thanks though
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Old 02-23-2018, 03:36 PM #4
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Default Re: BPD mixed with which knows what (please help)

I致e typically heard Narcs having daydreams of admiration of some form and being preoccupied with their appearance.

Too much meaning sending long paragraphs in texts 4/7 days of the week or at last whenever I see my friends. Or better yet, excessive in comparison to how much they rant to me. Again, I知 sure my uplifting personality is my saving grace.

True but I thought the misanthropy would make sense in this case since I致e heard actual Narcs Typically come hate people. Nvm then.


Yeah i figured some of it was BPD-ish since I know the two disorders can appear similarly. Still I plan to see that specialist and get the full picture. But thank you.
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Old 02-24-2018, 10:02 AM #5
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Default Re: BPD mixed with which knows what (please help)

Well I'll be honest with you, the daydreaming of admiration and obsession with appearance are symptoms I've never had. My symptom cluster went in a different direction. Usually though, narcissists aren't obsessed with their physical appearance in and of itself, they care about it in relation to how they appear to other people. It's a lot more complex than simple vanity.

Oversharing about yourself can be seen in many personality disorders, and I'll also say that while I'm no expert I've personally observed that narcissists tend to be private people. They avoid personal questions like the plague, lol. Even if they appear to talk about themselves all the time, it's not what it appears.

I don't hate people very often and when I do it doesn't last long, I'm indifferent to them. There is a difference. That said, I can only speak for myself and I'll be the first to say that I'm not a classic case of NPD.
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Old 02-24-2018, 09:40 PM #6
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Default Re: BPD mixed with which knows what (please help)

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Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster View Post
Well I'll be honest with you, the daydreaming of admiration and obsession with appearance are symptoms I've never had. My symptom cluster went in a different direction. Usually though, narcissists aren't obsessed with their physical appearance in and of itself, they care about it in relation to how they appear to other people. It's a lot more complex than simple vanity.

Oversharing about yourself can be seen in many personality disorders, and I'll also say that while I'm no expert I've personally observed that narcissists tend to be private people. They avoid personal questions like the plague, lol. Even if they appear to talk about themselves all the time, it's not what it appears.

I don't hate people very often and when I do it doesn't last long, I'm indifferent to them. There is a difference. That said, I can only speak for myself and I'll be the first to say that I'm not a classic case of NPD.


Oh yeah for me it痴 not random, I care about how others will perceive my appearance. I don稚 wanna appear fat, awkward or strange or I end up with horrible social anxiety.

Yeah I know oversharing can be part of HPD. I heard that it can be so similar to BPD that it痴 considered to be the same disorder by some. But I look to NPD due to my aggressive need for validation and attention and entitlement and occasional grandiosity.

Hmm. I don稚 hate people often either but sometimes when my I think about it or my anger is set off, I find myself wanting the world to end and being grossed by humans. Other times I find this specific anger right under the surface where I don稚 even have to be angry initially.

Yeah I noticed my symptoms too, all of them, seem to reflect the idea or concept of a disorder instead of follow them textbook or if they are textbook, it痴 only to a small degree. Like for example I致e been diagnosed with GAD but the symptom checklist doesn稚 really fit me much yet I知 anxious as ****, it痴 pretty much who I am. That痴 the issue with MI痴, it痴 super hard to shove a human being inside of a box because we池e too complex.

I知 curious however, if you are willing, what are your other Narc symptoms if you mind sharing? Either way I appreciate the help.
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Old 02-25-2018, 04:38 AM #7
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Default Re: BPD mixed with which knows what (please help)

Quote:
Originally Posted by BriarHeart18 View Post
I seem unstable and depressed but underneath I feel heaps of anger, entitlement, superiority, and a painful need for validation and attention.
I almost spit my coffee out when I read this because I think I was almost reading about myself.

Quote:
have daydreams of people admiring me or being shocked at me, or pitying me.
My day dreams of me being amazing and saving people I want to pay more attention to me or me being saved by those I want more attention from.

Quote:
Im very worried about my appearance. I could dress even slightly 努rong imo, and social anxiety and depression will ensue because I think I値l automatically look awful and fat.
I just don't go on vacations or to parties because the stress of putting "nice" clothes on makes me want to slice and stab myself by how much I think I am fat and ugly.

Quote:
I hate humans, I hate the world for being so awful and horrible and stupid. I知 suicidal for my BPD but also because I feel like I don稚 wanna be around regular people anymore because they disgust me and the world痴 getting worse. When I die I want to learn the secrets of the world.
Unfortunately when I hear about shootings or earthquakes or about an event where people died I am like "good less people in the world" or I get jealous I am not dead.


Quote:
have severe identity issues which causes me to latch onto a label for me to act out as.
I could not figure out what to become. Everytime I met someone who I though had it together I would say I am going to school for what they are. It ranged from speech pathologist, graphic designer. I could not find my own identity.

Quote:
sensitive to criticism. I perceive any change in tone or critical word as an insult or as someone being mad at me. My response is typically anger or hurt or both.
I would go into what is called emotional flashback all the damn time at a job every time I was talked to on how to do something better or how I should behave or smile more. That job almost killed me.
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When a child痴 emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child痴 development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
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Old 02-25-2018, 09:56 AM #8
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Default Re: BPD mixed with which knows what (please help)

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Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie View Post
I almost spit my coffee out when I read this because I think I was almost reading about myself.



My day dreams of me being amazing and saving people I want to pay more attention to me or me being saved by those I want more attention from.



I just don't go on vacations or to parties because the stress of putting "nice" clothes on makes me want to slice and stab myself by how much I think I am fat and ugly.



Unfortunately when I hear about shootings or earthquakes or about an event where people died I am like "good less people in the world" or I get jealous I am not dead.




I could not figure out what to become. Everytime I met someone who I though had it together I would say I am going to school for what they are. It ranged from speech pathologist, graphic designer. I could not find my own identity.



I would go into what is called emotional flashback all the damn time at a job every time I was talked to on how to do something better or how I should behave or smile more. That job almost killed me.


My daydreams are about me looking really great in front of people, mostly the people who used to bully me in Middle school except fast-forwarded to now and my therapist, people from my school life now, and current friends. They can range from being pretty normal such as imagining myself telling a joke or acting funny to them (MS bullies mainly), being shocked at how good I look now and how much I致e changed. Or my new friends now, pitying me or being shocked at my mental health. It痴 pretty much daydreaming of all types of attention.

Dude, earlier this week I wore a dashiki that I love under a light jacket and panicked because I thought I look gross and just ditched the shirt for the jacket itself but paid for it later because it was damn near 80 degrees and I suffered through it because I thought I looked awful. But I致e never skipped out of anything due to clothing but god, a 澱ad outfit can send my self-esteem through the ****ing window.

Hmmmmm for me it痴 not being grateful they池e dead but the smallest thing can make me want the world to end or hate humanity. Or better yet I致e read possible apocalyptic scenarios one of them involving a super volcano and I genuinely read it with fear and relief mixed with a little excitement.

For me it was career choice a little too. Going to college was so hard partly because nearly every major or minor sounded interesting and I could see myself having a career in all of them and not being able to decide ****.


Hmmm speaking of criticism, how do you feel about failure/perfectionism btw? I知 typically hard on my artwork and super anxious about anything I do basically. Last week we were getting back a math quiz and I literally thought 努ow if I failed this I値l kill myself. I also feel a type of way if I dress super one day and see someone dressed even better.

I知 glad for the input because it sure as hell seems we have a lot in common. But to be clear, you池e BPD or Narc?
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Old 02-25-2018, 04:46 PM #9
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Default Re: BPD mixed with which knows what (please help)

@moxiedoxie Also that last line is what I致e been struggling with lately too, the one about abuse. I can稚 deal with the idea of me being abused (more than I already have) or having self-esteem issues as a results it makes me feel weak and I知 afraid to tackle those issues because they池e too painful, I feel like without the mask I currently have, I値l be weak with these emotions
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Old 04-19-2018, 03:00 PM #10
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Trig Re: BPD mixed with which knows what (please help)

A lot of what you describe about yourself sounds an awful lot like me in a lot of ways right down to the hatred toward humanity part. I have an alternate personality who is very, very anti-human and extremely evil.
Human's disgust him.
(trigger)Are you old enough to remember the serial killer, Richard Remirez?
At his trial he had the most intense look of disgust on his face.
We immediately recognized it although at the time we didn't know that we were a "we". It was the look of disgust and hatred toward humanity. That's why he tortured and murdered all of those people. They disgusted him.(/trigger)
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