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Elimatis
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Unhappy Oct 19, 2018 at 04:20 AM
  #1
Hello.
I am 19 years old and this problem started when I was 11. I was happy child and I loved programming. My mother was very kind and my father nonstop at work. At school I was silent and without any friends. But it didn't matter for me, my friend was my sister.
Suddenly I stop love the programming. From that time I feel empty and nothing interesting me. I doubt who I am and started to play role (behave like my classmates, teachers,…) and making false personalities (secret agent, very good hacker or other “superhero”). I thought and act like this personality. I stop laughing and wanted be better than others, interesting, important, superior, special and center of attention. How? By productivity, advanced opinions, serious face and meekness (I just need bread and water). I wanted to “help” world (= be important and at the center of attention), other days I wanted to be super successful hacker (interesting and the best) and so on. I didn’t know why I play these roles but this was my only (and subconscious) driving force in my life. Money, happyness, pleasure, relaxation, love, experiences, relationships didn’t matter for me (“I didn’t need it”). I was “ invulnerable and had important goal – make society better”. I lived in this illusion even daydreamed about it.
I know it’s absolutely childish but… I collapsed because of overworking, was very underweight (I don’t need food), pretending depression because I wanted attention and so on. When I was in the center of attention It was the only time when I didn’t feel the need working to exhaust.
According to my psychiatrist I have Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). I want to heal myself because this complicate my life and hurt other people. But I can't force myself live just for happyness (and enjoy life) because I feel empty (I absolutely don't know what I want in my life) and only thing I like is feel superior. tHE Only time I feel good is when I working and when I am meeker than others or when I am center of attention. I hate myself because of this bad habit! But what I should do? Is there any recovery method or just “don`t be silly child, try hard or you'll devastate your life and end alone!”? I am motivated but just for short time. I would like to know if I just ultra egostic silly kid or have real NPD.
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Smile Oct 20, 2018 at 01:41 PM
  #2
Hello Elimatis: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral.

I'm sorry you've been having such a difficult time, especially at such a young age. We here on PC can't offer mental health diagnoses. So I can't tell you whether or not what you are experiencing constitutes Narcissistic Personality Disorder. (Perhaps other members will have some insights they can share though based on their own experiences.)

One thing I have read is that a true narcissist will generally not admit they are in fact a narcissist. And they're unlikely to see the need to change & seek treatment. Any problems they have they tend to blame on other people. So, at least to my non-professional mind, the fact that you have come here to PC concerned about how you are doing suggests to me you may not actually be a true narcissist. But then that is just my own personal non-professional opinion. Of course that's not to say you couldn't have some narcissistic traits. (Many of us do.) But that's different from actually having NPD. Here's a link to an article, from Psychcentral's archives, that goes into some of this:

Can a Narcissist Change? | Bonding Time

One suggestion here would be to take some of the quizzes & tests that are on offer here on PC. Here's a link to the listing of quizzes & tests that are available as well as a link to the narcissistic personality quiz itself:

Psychological Quizzes and Tests

Narcissistic Personality Quiz | Psych Central

It may also be helpful to read through the various posts in the NPD forum here on PC. Continuing to post may be helpful too. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.
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Elimatis
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Default Oct 21, 2018 at 04:01 PM
  #3
Hello.
Thank you a lot for quick reply and links. I'll check them soon.
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Default Dec 19, 2019 at 01:01 PM
  #4
I will to tell you my problem in a nutshell:
I feel empty and know nothing what I want but feel superior and important. I achieve this feeling by limiting myself (cold, hunger, overworking, etc.) and contempt of enjoyment. How to stop desiring importance in this way and at all?

My goal is not try to “transformate” my need for importance to less harm way (i.e. try to feel important by eating healthy, not starving). My goal is to remove need to feel important (or what it exactly is) at all. Am I right?

Thank you for your answer.
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Default Apr 06, 2020 at 01:03 AM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by Elimatis View Post
I feel empty and know nothing what I want but feel superior and important. I achieve this feeling by limiting myself (cold, hunger, overworking, etc.) and contempt of enjoyment.

My goal is to remove need to feel important (or what it exactly is) at all..
Can you clarify what this means? How do you achieve superiority by limiting yourself to cold and hunger...?

I agree with the advice given. People with NPD tend to think they're perfect. They don't question themselves at all and any negative feedback angers them quite intensely. They have a deep rooted insecurity and blame others for their own behaviours. They will lie, deny, and use others for personal gains. Anything positive is to seek attention and for image building. Their children are worthy to them only if they make them "look good" (good grades, talents, etc) or if they generate attention of some other kind (chronic illness, injuries, etc) to gain their own sympathies. They will suck you emotionally and have zero empathy towards others.

This is my understanding of NPD, as well, anyway.

Sometimes there's an overlap between NDP and high functioning Autism/Asperger's. Not labeling you, as I'm just an online person, but it might be something worthwhile to look into.
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Default Apr 06, 2020 at 10:18 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by MsLady View Post
Can you clarify what this means? How do you achieve superiority by limiting yourself to cold and hunger...?

I agree with the advice given. People with NPD tend to think they're perfect. They don't question themselves at all and any negative feedback angers them quite intensely. They have a deep rooted insecurity and blame others for their own behaviours. They will lie, deny, and use others for personal gains. Anything positive is to seek attention and for image building. Their children are worthy to them only if they make them "look good" (good grades, talents, etc) or if they generate attention of some other kind (chronic illness, injuries, etc) to gain their own sympathies. They will suck you emotionally and have zero empathy towards others.

This is my understanding of NPD, as well, anyway.

Sometimes there's an overlap between NDP and high functioning Autism/Asperger's. Not labeling you, as I'm just an online person, but it might be something worthwhile to look into.
That's a pretty good understanding of it, in a nutshell.

Elimatis,

NPD can occur on a spectrum just like any other disorder. So it may be that you are have a milder case of NPD and, therefore, are able to have some insight into your behaviors. I think working with a therapist could help you change disordered thinking that you have and get to feeling more fulfilled and happy without the constant need for attention or needing to feel superior. But it will take a lot of work from you and your therapist. Personality disorders are hard to treat because the thinking and behaviors are so ingrained into your overall existence, but it can be done. There is hope.

Regardless of the diagnosis, it sounds like you know what you want to change in your life, and rather than the diagnosis, I'd focus on that in appointments with your therapist.

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Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder
Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia.

Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien

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Default Apr 08, 2020 at 12:32 AM
  #7
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Originally Posted by seesaw View Post
That's a pretty good understanding of it, in a nutshell.
Seesaw,

Unfortunately, I was describing my mother and sister.

After reading this response, I'm starting to wonder if this is the problem I'm having with my partner, as well. He has this need to be the "better" one a lot.. the better brother, the better colleague, the better partner, or Best Man (vs. Maid of Honour), the better worker, etc. In achieving this, he gossips and sabotages his "opponent's" reputation just to make himself look like the better one. He laughs at others' misfortunes. He's an attention seeker in every scenario. He's competitive, dishonest, a gaslighter, a liar.. but blames me for all his feelings and behaviours. He does not acknowledge a lot of the problems or does so by minimizing. Really, I could go on but I've already hijacked this thread with my own stuff.

I don't know if these are NDP or sociopathic or what?
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Default Aug 10, 2020 at 03:23 PM
  #8
If the diagnosis feels wrong to you somehow you could potentially seek a second opinion, maybe look for a Psychologist this time they might have a slightly different take from a psychiatrist. The diagnosis doesn't mean you are a bad person.

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Default Aug 14, 2020 at 11:13 AM
  #9
Quote:
Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
Hello Elimatis: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral.

I'm sorry you've been having such a difficult time, especially at such a young age. We here on PC can't offer mental health diagnoses. So I can't tell you whether or not what you are experiencing constitutes Narcissistic Personality Disorder. (Perhaps other members will have some insights they can share though based on their own experiences.)

One thing I have read is that a true narcissist will generally not admit they are in fact a narcissist. And they're unlikely to see the need to change & seek treatment. Any problems they have they tend to blame on other people. So, at least to my non-professional mind, the fact that you have come here to PC concerned about how you are doing suggests to me you may not actually be a true narcissist. But then that is just my own personal non-professional opinion. Of course that's not to say you couldn't have some narcissistic traits. (Many of us do.) But that's different from actually having NPD. Here's a link to an article, from Psychcentral's archives, that goes into some of this:

Can a Narcissist Change? | Bonding Time

One suggestion here would be to take some of the quizzes & tests that are on offer here on PC. Here's a link to the listing of quizzes & tests that are available as well as a link to the narcissistic personality quiz itself:

Psychological Quizzes and Tests

Narcissistic Personality Quiz | Psych Central

It may also be helpful to read through the various posts in the NPD forum here on PC. Continuing to post may be helpful too. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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Default Sep 04, 2020 at 07:52 AM
  #10
Hi there Elimatis.

I have read your post and the replies following it.

I cannot diagnose, or really give that much perspective other than what I have read in academic articles and learned through my own therapy.

I always understood NPD to be on the furthest end of the spectrum of narcissism. To some degree, many of us have traits of narcissism that may or may not constitute NPD. Just as MsLady has said, some with these traits may be able to acknowledge them and understand that they think and behave in a certain way, and be able to get help through therapy.
On the other hand, some with NPD are with little to no insight, and are therefore unlikely to seek help or even recognize the patterns they possess.

If you have doubts, it is absolutely okay to seek a second-opinion. I found it interesting that your psychiatrist diagnosed NPD, and don't get me wrong because I am certain there are psychiatrists that understand personality disorders, but many (if not most) are more trained in areas that link to their ability to prescribe meds, such as mood, anxiety and psychotic disorders.

Whatever the outcome, these traits/disorders are something you can work on.

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