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SweetCloud
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Member Since: May 2019
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Unhappy May 01, 2019 at 10:45 AM
  #1
Hello,

I'm new to this forum. I have become aware that the traits of (covert) narcissism very much apply to myself, i.e. grandiose fantasies, need for adulation, and long-standing patterns of dysfunction in relationships, all relationships.

I would like to aim to have at least some authentic relationships in my life, in which I actually have connection, and genuinely care about everything the person has to say. I want to be able to do this. I want to, and am taking steps to help myself.

I don't want a diagnosis. I have heard awful stories about NPD people being treated terribly by psychiatrists, i.e. being told to believe that they are always wrong, about everything.

But I am wondering how possible it is for me to change. I am also troubled by the narrative that narcissists are bad and 'evil'. Logic tells me this is wrong. These behaviours have happened for a reason, I don't believe narcissists are born. Even predisposition just means 'more likely'.

I don't really know what to do. I am fairly isolated, and the level of pain I am living with is huge. Extreme depression, shame, emptiness, futility. I have few friends and have never managed to make a relationships work.

Has anyone else committed to self-improvement? I notice that there doesn't seem to be a high frequency of posts in this sub-forum, so I am wondering whether others here are as lonely or isolated as myself. I wish to connect, if anyone wants to. If not, I'll go back to watching Netflix and dreading waking up every morning.
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Default May 07, 2019 at 07:43 AM
  #2
I can identify parts of me that covertly narcissistic. Some that are overtly narcissistic, too.

But I had an eating disorder over 50 years ago, and committed to self-improvement for my "mental illness" way back then -- it became an identity, and a somewhat covertly narcissistic one. I don't know if anything I have to offer will be of help, or not. But feel free to post again, and I'll post back.

Despite years of therapy, on and off, it didn't do much good -- mostly fed into my sense that I was doing good, committing myself to the established program for self-improvement. It was mostly an illusion, seems like now.

But after all that -- and lot of self-reflection, and life -- I think a key to the narcissism thing may be self-awareness -- AND self-acceptance. Including the pain -- in my case and likely others -- that the people whose lives we were born into just didn't/couldn't love us. Didn't know how, had been damaged themselves, etc., etc. I continue to try to think my way out of the dilemma -- as well as nonthinking -- meditation and, more recently, trying contemplative prayer. So I was thinking last night -- that what I had, what was left for me to get along in the world with, when there wasn't love in the early social environment, with the people whose lives I had been born into, was anger and haughtiness. The haughtiness was disapproved of, so became largely covert. But was still there. Despite some "good" girl and "caring" and codependent traits, too.

I lucked out in that I did have a loving relationship with my late husband -- an odd duck in his own way but our difficiencies didn't get in the way of us loving each other. Long story -- but it worked. Then, 20 years ago, he died. And I have been floundering and lost ever since, trying to find a way, on my own.

Doing better than I have been -- gotten used to some stuff, maybe. Still tough, though.
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