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Haku
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Default Nov 17, 2019 at 03:39 PM
  #1
One of my friends explained how I was behaving and why he put a pause to the relationship and asked me if I ever considered getting help. From that moment on I started reflecting on every past relationship that I ruin because of my selfish, short sighted, and narcissistic actions. I started to hate myself and the pain I caused my friends. Putting myself in their shoes now I am starting to understand what it must have been like being friends with someone like me.

Over the past 6 months I have been obsessed over this disorder. It has forced me to constantly reflect on previous relationships and challenge actions that I have taken that destroyed the relationships. Therapists I have gone to are hesitant to make any diagnosis because they do not believe I have this but I cannot help but feel like my mindset is stuck in narcissism.

I heard that people who have this are doomed to a life destructive relationships no matter how much they try to change. I am confused as to whether an actual narcissist is even willing to try to change and that being the reason for them being perpetually stuck with the disorder. This devastates me because I look up to people who care for others and think that is a quality every human should have.
I think about how selfless and loving my mom is and I want to be like her. What she has done and sacrificed for me and my brothers and most of all my father makes her my hero.

I have gone into narcissistic rages when someone abandons me and thinking back I question why. It hasn't happened since the last instance several years ago but I still feel the instinct of lashing out when someone abandons me now. I usually just cool it and try to understand the other person's perspective and take responsibility which is what I have been doing since this came to mind but I can't help but feel that the only reason I am doing this to begin with is because I don't want to be a narcissist.

I want to love.
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Smile Nov 18, 2019 at 08:09 PM
  #2
Hello Haku: I believe this is your second thread here on PC. So it's not too late for me to say welcome to Psych Central.

I'm not a mental health professional. And I don't know a lot about narcissism & NPD (although I'm quite certain I have at least some of those traits myself.) It's just my personal non-professional observation, but I believe one can have narcissistic traits without being diagnosable as having NPD. Perhaps that may be your situation? Here are links to 3 articles on these subjects, from Psych Central's archives, plus a link to PC's narcissistic personality quiz:

The Difference Between Narcissism & Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Narcissistic Personality Disorder vs. Normal Narcissism

Narcissistic Personality Disorder In-Depth

Narcissistic Personality Quiz | Psych Central

I hope you're finding being here on PC to be of benefit.

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"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
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Default Nov 18, 2019 at 08:26 PM
  #3
Welcome to pc.

I'm not a Narcissist.

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Default Nov 18, 2019 at 10:36 PM
  #4
Welcome to PC! It sounds like you’ve done a lot of soul searching and you’re definitely looking for answers.

There is a therapist on YouTube who talks a lot about narcissism. His name is Dr. Les Carter. You might enjoy his videos. He comes across as very positive, kind and practical.

I hope you find the help and support you’re looking for. Maybe you can see a counselor to help you work things out? I wish you all the best.
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Default Apr 25, 2020 at 12:18 PM
  #5
Welcome!
I'm so proud to share with you some articles that I think are so "spot-on"! Finally understand now how my parent is a Narcissist and why I am emotionally unavavailable with relationships. Please take some time reading these:

Covert Narcissism at home 1
Narcissism at home part 2

I hope these helps you
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Default Apr 26, 2020 at 12:48 AM
  #6
I'm not a psychologist and know a fair bit about NDP. Your post does not scream NDP, to me at all, though. There's still quite a lot for me to learn here.

If you're having full blown attacks regarding abandonment issues, isn't that more related to Borderline Personality Disorder? And to be clear, I AM NOT LABELING YOU with BPD. I was just briefly reading about it for the first time, the other day, and it talked a lot about this piece.

I'm glad your friend was open and honest with how she felt and I'm also glad you are speaking with a professional about it.

Again, to my untrained eye, you do not at all sound like you have NDP.
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Default Apr 27, 2020 at 09:21 AM
  #7
I agree with MsLady that BPD (or Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, EUPD, as it is no less clumsily named in the UK) sounds more likely.

While I read material on NPD I often feel accused and doubtful myself, and find myself running through what I've previously read, in my mind, to try and ascertain I'm not incorrectly diagnosed, or not guilty of the traits I've suffered at the hands of three others with almost certain NPD.

I think this happens because there are shared traits but more importantly shared biographical details. Someone with BPD and someone with NPD can have been through similar things in childhood but end up dealing with them differently. If I had had the misfortune to be very good looking I might by now be a dreadful case of NPD. Luckily I look a bit rough.

But, even if NPD turned out to be the correct term for you, these disorders are points on a continuum, and describe the faults of not machines but human beings. Even in the most damaging cases, someone with NPD isn't like a cartoon villain, like Skeletor, cackling away at evil acts. There is always room for manoeuvre - the egg-referencing part of that word's etymology being very pertinent here - and you are fortunate enough that you may have reached saturation point as regards the consequences in your life. I find that quite moving as a possibility because I still miss at least one of the people I've encountered with the behaviours and need to believe she can save herself.

Just stick with the therapy, as far as money and time allow, the reading and discussion here, and keep trying to be mindful in how you deal with people. Twenty-five years ago, and maybe even five years ago, I did not know how to deal with people when things went wrong, and ended up a bit of a doormat. Someone with similar biographical details to me but who took a narcissistic path - or it took them - could end up dealing with social friction in an aggressive-defensive way that has narcissistic aspects to it. The medical terms aren't perfect and don't cover every permutation of dysfunctional behaviours, and perhaps you are more free in having behaviours that possibly straddle NPD and BPD behaviours. A lack of literature bespoke to the specifics of you personally and a lack of a fixed medical term might help underscore that your own will and compassion can decide how you are in the future, whether that might be a year away or five.

As society asks of us an unhealthy mode of being, a dehumanised way of living, I believe some disorders can in fact be a mid-point between an inauthentic way of being and true freedom. In my view, 'having' EUPD for example is kind of a privilege, if a person works with it conscientiously and carefully. Being unstable isn't great, but being emotionally alive is preferable to being an automaton, such as are the people who actually cause disorders, from unthinking parents to partners to narcissistic presidents. After all, it is because we were once vulnerable and wholly, emotionally human that the perpetrator relevant to our lives was able to take advantage of us.
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Default May 03, 2020 at 01:38 PM
  #8
I am also not a professional, but you don't sound like a narcissist at all to me! I had recently a crush on a guy, who turned out to bear many narcissistic traits. For example, lack of self-reflection! Narcissistic person feels like he/she is alright, there's nothing wrong about him/her, can't stand criticism and, of course, will go to a mental care specialist only under a gun hold to his/her head!

In narcisstic minds there can't be nothing wrong about them. It's always others guilty about ruined relationships etc. Also in their minds criticism from other people comes out about them because people are jealous etc. It's clearly a twisted way of thinking. Oh yes, do they love to twist things!

You don't sound any of this! You are clearly capable of self-reflection and able to take criticism correctly. You are capable of self-criticism, see bad sides in yourself...And that's not narcissism!
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