Concerned that I am just a bad apple

[Trigger warning: substance abuse, anxiety/intrusive thoughts related to child sexual abuse]

~ TL;DR ~

Hello, I’m a 33 female who has struggled with depression, anxiety and substance abuse since my teens and possibly before. In my early twenties I had an episode of drug induced psychosis that basically amounted to a short-lived belief that I had been sexually abused as a child.

I saw a wonderful psychologist who I remain indebted to to this day, who told me that I was suffering from intrusive thoughts, and my GP also put me on Prozac. These two things saved my life, but now ten years later I find myself unemployed and without any real purpose in life.

My depression and anxiety is manageable compared to what it was in the past, but any attempt I make to lead a more productive and full life (such as study and relationships) ends in failure. Though I have made improvements in the way I interact with people and in taking responsibility for my choices and actions, I still have real trouble committing to anything.

When the depression lifts, I feel capable that I can make positive changes and I feel pretty confident that I can work, study, have meaningful relationships etc. but the depression always seems to sneak up on me and I end up self-sabotaging.

I am reasonably intelligent and I have some insight, but you wouldn’t think it to look at my life now. I see myself in a cycle of depression and anxiety that seems never-ending, and I know that I should have the intestinal fortitude to break that cycle, but I don’t.

Long story not so short, I feel like the worlds greatest loser. I can’t even plead ignorance, because I know what is holding me back (mental health issues, past trauma related to emotional abuse and family violence) but I feel incapable of being the better person I know I should be.

I think that I lack moral fibre, and that maybe I am just destined to be this loser who does nothing with her life and who falls into the same old patterns. But then I hope that maybe there is a reason for all of it, a reason that might absolve me of responsibility and make it “not my fault.” I know that is wishful thinking though.

I just feel so tired and all I want to do is curl up into a little ball and not have to try anymore! I know how immature that is but it’s how I feel! I know that I am struggling and I need more professional support than I am getting at the moment, but it’s hard when I think so little of myself.

I saw a psychiatrist recently who adjusted my medication, which was good, but I feel that I need so much more than one lousy visit. I do get twelve visits to a psychologist each year, but I’ve yet to find a psychologist in my area who I have a good rapport with, and as I get older, I feel that health professionals judge me more harshly.

Lately I have become almost obsessed with finding an alternative diagnosis to depression and anxiety, to the point where I told the psychiatrist that I wondered whether I had BPD. He gave me a questionnaire and the results were that I had strong traits, but not to the point of disorder.

Yesterday it hit me that I am chasing my tail, and that what I really need is clarification of my current diagnosis. I know I have features of OCD - there’s the intrusive thoughts and I also pick compulsively - but I don’t know whether or not it’s a disorder.

I have lots of anxiety about how other people must see me, and I worry a lot about whether or not I am being manipulative or whether or not I am a malingerer. I second guess my own motives all the time, and I second guess interactions I have with others, including this very post!

I guess I just wanted to share my story in the hope that someone might say “it’s okay, you’re suffering from common anxiety/depression/OCD symptoms and you’re not a bad person, and you’re not alone.”

So sorry for the ridiculously long post. If you’ve read all of this, bless your heart. :-)

Well... what can I say about this? I'm an older person myself. I kicked around the mental health services where I live for around... oh... 16 or 18 years or so before I finally just left it all behind a couple of years back. I still don't have anything in the way of a diagnosis. I suppose there must be something written down somewhere for insurance purposes. But realistically it's not based on anything.

You wrote that you feel mental health professionals judge you more harshly now because you're 33. I've written a number of times, here on PC, that it is my opinion older people are just excess baggage on the mental health railroad. I don't know at what age that begins though because I didn't become involved with mental health services until I was around 50. And, by that time, I was already there. However the fact that you feel more harshly judged makes sense to me.

My own personal opinion of mental health diagnoses is that they're just one professional's opinion of how what little they know about you happens to fit into the criteria in the DSM which may or may not be accurate & may or may not be useful in terms of a person's figuring out their life. You mentioned having depression & anxiety & possibly OCD along with some BPD traits. Depression, anxiety & some minor OCD traits are also things I've struggled with. Plus I have also thought there was a time, when I was young, I might well have been diagnosed as having BPD as well... not anymore. I've been told BPD tends to burn itself out as a person ages. And I've certainly done that. And, like you, it has occurred to me from time-to-time that perhaps I'm just a bad person. I think that's probably a pretty normal thought amongst all of us who struggle with mental health issues.

You wrote that you hoped someone might say: "it’s okay, you’re suffering from common anxiety/depression/OCD symptoms and you’re not a bad person, and you’re not alone." So I'll say it... sort of. I don't know if what you're struggling with is common anxiety / depression & OCD symptoms. I'm not a mental health professional. So it's not my place to say. Plus I obviously don't know you. But what I can say is that struggling with mental health issues does not make you a bad person. And you're clearly not alone. Just look at all of the people from around the world who are members here on PC!

One thing I noted, in your post was your comment: "I should have the intestinal fortitude to break that cycle, but I don’t." Years ago I participated in a partial hospital program where they told us: "Don't should on yourself." It's good advice. There is no particular way you have to be... & no one you have to try to satisfy other than yourself... to the extent you can.

You mentioned you feel you need clarification with regard to your diagnosis. I don't know if that will really be helpful. Maybe it will. Maybe it will just be another turn of the wheel. It's not my place to say. One thing that occurs to me, with regard to a possible BPD diagnosis, is the concept of the "quiet borderline". I've sometimes thought that if I could ever have been diagnosed as having BPD, it would have been of this sort. Family therapist Kati Morton has a video on her YouTube channel on this topic. Here's a link:

YouTube

And then beyond that here are links to 3 articles, from PC's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help or at least interest:

When You Feel Absolutely Awful About Yourself—Regularly

When You Feel Worthless

5 Ways to Free Yourself From Dark and Obsessive Thoughts

My best wishes to you...

Thank you Skeezyks, it means a lot to me that you took the time to read and reply to my post. I’ve watched the video and read the articles you linked to, and I think they will be helpful once the funk lifts a little more. :-)