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GSC2019
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Trig May 15, 2019 at 01:37 AM
  #1
Here's the scoop, I've had previous OCD events thought out the years, mostly bad ones about sexual Orientation but I recovered. However; most recently I had some struggle with sexual intrusive thoughts. My son was born in February and everything was fine. Im happy and I love him.
Possible trigger:
I was instantly whipped into a cycle of obsessive thinking and scouring the web for answers to why.. asking reassurance, avoidance of my son for a couple days along with depression and guilt. I felt like a monster. I'm lost in my head as to why they came. I have never been sexually abused, thought when I was preteen I was exposed to sexual themes (parental nudity, porn etc) my parents were bad to me. Loads of physical and emotional abuse for several years. I have never had any sexual thoughts about children that I can recall, nor have I abused any. I love my son and want him to be safe, and my wife doesn't think I'm a monster or going to do those things. But I'm afraid of my thoughts and I'm up nights and sometimes days because of it. Had to be given zyprexa a couple times to kill the frenzy. I've never been a parent before.. didn't ever plan to be. It just happened. I don't want to spend the next 18 years of his life plagued by thoughts and or fear. I want my son to be safe, happy, and never grow up like I did.

I see a therapist, and might seek a specialist.

But I also need help outside of that. What's why I'm here. I want to be free of this suffering.

Last edited by atisketatasket; May 15, 2019 at 12:09 PM.. Reason: Added triggers
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Smile May 15, 2019 at 01:21 PM
  #2
I don't know as there is much I can offer with regard to this other than to say that, as you've probably heard dozens of times, thoughts are just thoughts. We all have them. The difference between a person who has OCD & a person who does not is, to my mind, that the person who does not simply is able to let unwanted thoughts go. But a person who has OCD cannot. Here's a link to an article, from PC's archives, that touches upon this perspective:

%post_title

I also believe that the amount of sex-related information & violence we're bombarded with everyday from every direction means that we're exposed to this sort of thing constantly... in TV programs, in the news, etc. I'm an older person myself. And, back when I was young, there was no internet. And TV programs, movies etc. were much more tightly censored. So one just wasn't exposed to all of the sex-related content we're exposed to today. And, as a result, thoughts of the sort you're struggling with came up less frequently if at all.

So I guess what I would like to suggest is that in spite of the thoughts you had, you're not a monster. You're simply struggling with the effects of having OCD to begin with, along with the impact all of the sex-related content has on all of us day-in & day-out as a result of living in the modern world. My best wishes to you.

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Default May 15, 2019 at 01:56 PM
  #3
Hello GSC2019

sorry you are struggling. Sounds like you shared with your wife and are seeking therapy. That sounds like a wise way to start letting the anxiety go so you can heal and move forward.

Back when I did therapy, my psychologist and I were discussing anxiety and how it can get out of control. For example, I have a dreaded fear of driving a car but to many that probably sounds ridiculous, right? Anyway, the psychologist told me she was working with another client who was overwhelmed by anxiety that she would harm children. She did not mention if this was a fear of sexually harming them or physically or emotionally. Anyway, the client was a woman and had never hurt a child and didn't want to but apparently that's how her anxiety presented. To me, as a non-expert, that sounds like a type of phobia....I wonder if that's what you are struggling with. Does that make any sense to you? I'm terrified of driving a car in case I hurt someone and you are terrified of harming your child. I read a post on PC where someone had a desperate fear of being imprisoned even though they have not committed a crime. It's as though when anxiety gets out of control the brain comes up with the very worst thing to fear (different for each person) and then fixates on it until the person can find ways to manage the anxiety.

You mentioned a rough upbringing and not having planned to become a parent. To me, that right there could explain a lot of parental anxiety and doubts.

I say definitely keep sharing with your therapist and wife. Avoid any situations with your son which may particularly trigger the fear and anxiety such as bath time...perhaps your wife can take over there?

I'm not a psychologist or a doctor so best I can do is offer ideas and wish you well. One thing I do know about thoughts is as soon as you start trying to stop them, you get flooded by them. When my depression is getting bad as soon as I tell myself "i really hope I don't start thinking about ending my life" then all those thoughts pop up - too late!

Peace and good health to you, your wife, and your son!
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Trig May 15, 2019 at 02:00 PM
  #4
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Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
I don't know as there is much I can offer with regard to this other than to say that, as you've probably heard dozens of times, thoughts are just thoughts. We all have them. The difference between a person who has OCD & a person who does not is, to my mind, that the person who does not simply is able to let unwanted thoughts go. But a person who has OCD cannot. Here's a link to an article, from PC's archives, that touches upon this perspective:

%post_title

I also believe that the amount of sex-related information & violence we're bombarded with everyday from every direction means that we're exposed to this sort of thing constantly... in TV programs, in the news, etc. I'm an older person myself. And, back when I was young, there was no internet. And TV programs, movies etc. were much more tightly censored. So one just wasn't exposed to all of the sex-related content we're exposed to today. And, as a result, thoughts of the sort you're struggling with came up less frequently if at all.

So I guess what I would like to suggest is that in spite of the thoughts you had, you're not a monster. You're simply struggling with the effects of having OCD to begin with, along with the impact all of the sex-related content has on all of us day-in & day-out as a result of living in the modern world. My best wishes to you.
These are valid points Skeezyks. The media appear particularly obsessed with pedophilia. They can't seem to go one day without talking about it. And those SVU shows, or whatever they're called, are horrible. I could never watch them. Every episode seems to be about a prostitute being murdered or a child being molested.
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Default May 15, 2019 at 02:09 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by SilverTrees View Post
Hello GSC2019


sorry you are struggling. Sounds like you shared with your wife and are seeking therapy. That sounds like a wise way to start letting the anxiety go so you can heal and move forward.


Back when I did therapy, my psychologist and I were discussing anxiety and how it can get out of control. For example, I have a dreaded fear of driving a car but to many that probably sounds ridiculous, right? Anyway, the psychologist told me she was working with another client who was overwhelmed by anxiety that she would harm children. She did not mention if this was a fear of sexually harming them or physically or emotionally. Anyway, the client was a woman and had never hurt a child and didn't want to but apparently that's how her anxiety presented. To me, as a non-expert, that sounds like a type of phobia....I wonder if that's what you are struggling with. Does that make any sense to you? I'm terrified of driving a car in case I hurt someone and you are terrified of harming your child. I read a post on PC where someone had a desperate fear of being imprisoned even though they have not committed a crime. It's as though when anxiety gets out of control the brain comes up with the very worst thing to fear (different for each person) and then fixates on it until the person can find ways to manage the anxiety.


You mentioned a rough upbringing and not having planned to become a parent. To me, that right there could explain a lot of parental anxiety and doubts.


I say definitely keep sharing with your therapist and wife. Avoid any situations with your son which may particularly trigger the fear and anxiety such as bath time...perhaps your wife can take over there?


I'm not a psychologist or a doctor so best I can do is offer ideas and wish you well. One thing I do know about thoughts is as soon as you start trying to stop them, you get flooded by them. When my depression is getting bad as soon as I tell myself "i really hope I don't start thinking about ending my life" then all those thoughts pop up - too late!


Peace and good health to you, your wife, and your son!
Thanks for the response. The only thing I was told to avoid was avoiding the fear. Avoidance reinforces anxiety and obsessions. It's like a compulsion. Facing it helps you I'm told. Just don't act on thoughts.
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Trig May 15, 2019 at 02:12 PM
  #6
"I have never been sexually abused, thought when I was preteen I was exposed to sexual themes (parental nudity, porn etc) my parents were bad to me. Loads of physical and emotional abuse for several years."

I don't want to negate your truth GSC2019 but it actually sounds like you may have experienced sexual abuse in your childhood. I believe exposing minors to sexual material (such as porn) falls under the definition of sexual abuse....it does not necessarily have to involve sexual touching. There is also new helpful research on covert sexual abuse which you may want to read about....perhaps some of that will resonate with your childhood experiences. I mention this not to add to your anxiety but I have a hunch that the more you explore and understand what went awry in your own childhood, the more likely you are to heal from it. Just a thought for you.
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Default May 15, 2019 at 02:13 PM
  #7
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Thanks for the response. The only thing I was told to avoid was avoiding the fear. Avoidance reinforces anxiety and obsessions. It's like a compulsion. Facing it helps you I'm told. Just don't act on thoughts.
Thank you for explaining that! Sorry I was off-track! I avoid driving at all costs so you see I am misguided by my own fear. Sorry about that. Your logic makes sense.

Also, you could be helping other PC readers (many read and don't post) with their own anxious cycles by being so candid. I think you should give yourself credit for that.
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Default May 15, 2019 at 02:16 PM
  #8
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Originally Posted by SilverTrees View Post
"I have never been sexually abused, thought when I was preteen I was exposed to sexual themes (parental nudity, porn etc) my parents were bad to me. Loads of physical and emotional abuse for several years."


I don't want to negate your truth GSC2019 but it actually sounds like you may have experienced sexual abuse in your childhood. I believe exposing minors to sexual material (such as porn) falls under the definition of sexual abuse....it does not necessarily have to involve sexual touching. There is also new helpful research on covert sexual abuse which you may want to read about....perhaps some of that will resonate with your childhood experiences. I mention this not to add to your anxiety but I have a hunch that the more you explore and understand what went awry in your own childhood, the more likely you are to heal from it. Just a thought for you.
When I was a teen I discovered my parents porn stashes and I would see my step mom on occasion without clothes on. I didn't want it to seem like it was intentional exposure. Was it inappropriate? Yes. Directed towards me deliberately? I doubt it. My father nor my step mother was sick like that. I think I just happened to be exposed when I shouldn't. I just don't like the thoughts especially when I've never had them until now.
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Default May 15, 2019 at 02:21 PM
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When I was a teen I discovered my parents porn stashes and I would see my step mom on occasion without clothes on. I didn't want it to seem like it was intentional exposure. Was it inappropriate? Yes. Directed towards me deliberately? I doubt it. My father nor my step mother was sick like that. I think I just happened to be exposed when I shouldn't. I just don't like the thoughts especially when I've never had them until now.
Yes. I understand. Sorry again if it seemed I was over-stepping or off-track. Your original post conveyed very clearly the level of pain you have with regard to these thoughts. i just really wanted to help but sometimes I get it wrong! May I ask what makes you feel happy or relaxed? Is that something you can share or increase the frequency of with your wife and son? For me, I get closer to nature when I am really depressed or scared. Camping. Hiking. A walk around the lake. I have this sense that nature guides me back to center. So I am wondering if a nice picnic outdoors with wife and son or out on a boat or something could help to center you....particularly on a day when your thoughts are really troubling you? Sitting with your boy, watching the waves or listening to wind blow through the trees....letting nature remind you that all is well.
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Default May 15, 2019 at 02:30 PM
  #10
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Originally Posted by SilverTrees View Post
Yes. I understand. Sorry again if it seemed I was over-stepping or off-track. Your original post conveyed very clearly the level of pain you have with regard to these thoughts. i just really wanted to help but sometimes I get it wrong! May I ask what makes you feel happy or relaxed? Is that something you can share or increase the frequency of with your wife and son? For me, I get closer to nature when I am really depressed or scared. Camping. Hiking. A walk around the lake. I have this sense that nature guides me back to center. So I am wondering if a nice picnic outdoors with wife and son or out on a boat or something could help to center you....particularly on a day when your thoughts are really troubling you? Sitting with your boy, watching the waves or listening to wind blow through the trees....letting nature remind you that all is well.
I'm not saying you're wrong. I appreciate the opinion and advice truly. I just was trying to convey that the sexual thematics in my childhood were more inappropriate rather than abuse. Lol.

I'm a video gamer, I tinker with my car, I love going to the movies and listen to music when driving. Keeping myself busy definitely lessens the load.

However, this recent event has been harder to overcome. The anxiety comes and goes and so don't relative thoughts along with it.

Some days are better than others. But if I have the thoughts or anything triggering. I end up caught in a ruminating cycle.

My wife and I are on the same page all the time. We've been together for 3 years and just had a baby. Everything was great until 30 days ago. Now I'm trying to recover
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Default May 15, 2019 at 03:12 PM
  #11
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I'm not saying you're wrong. I appreciate the opinion and advice truly. I just was trying to convey that the sexual thematics in my childhood were more inappropriate rather than abuse. Lol.

I'm a video gamer, I tinker with my car, I love going to the movies and listen to music when driving. Keeping myself busy definitely lessens the load.

However, this recent event has been harder to overcome. The anxiety comes and goes and so don't relative thoughts along with it.

Some days are better than others. But if I have the thoughts or anything triggering. I end up caught in a ruminating cycle.

My wife and I are on the same page all the time. We've been together for 3 years and just had a baby. Everything was great until 30 days ago. Now I'm trying to recover
Well, I would say if things were good before then things can be good again. 30 days...you're likely still in shock at this point. I'd say be kind and patient with yourself and this trauma will hopefully fade in time. Do you meditate? There are plenty of wonderful guided meditations on YouTube. It can really help with anxiety and troubling thoughts. I also recommend dialing back the video games....the screen time and neural stimulation can actually have some negative effects and may even increase anxiety or obsessive thinking. You can try going without for a while and see if it helps. No judgment here...my own unhappy thoughts are torturing me today. I wish you peace!
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Default May 15, 2019 at 03:14 PM
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Well, I would say if things were good before then things can be good again. 30 days...you're likely still in shock at this point. I'd say be kind and patient with yourself and this trauma will hopefully fade in time. Do you meditate? It can really help with anxiety and troubling thoughts. No judgment here...my own unhappy thoughts are torturing me today. I wish you peace!
Feel free to PM me if you want to start a dialogue. I'm a good listener.
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Default May 15, 2019 at 03:16 PM
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Feel free to PM me if you want to start a dialogue. I'm a good listener.
Thank you very much. I need to force myself out of the house today but I'm stuck. Yuck!
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