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linuxb0i
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 07:38 PM
  #1
I am 22 years old, live in the U.S. , and am currently working as head of household for my mom and myself. I had to drop university about 2 years ago because I went through a total mental breakdown. The reason for my mental breakdown was that of a philosophical issue with religion and my freedom. To summarize, I became a big follower of the protestant Christian religion when I was about 13 years old all the way to age 18. By this time, most of my core values in life were based of the Christian doctrine.

One random day I decided to question Christianity by asking if it was "morally" right for the Christian God to have the ultimate power and authority over every human being. For some reason I felt that such was not "right/fair". I felt like my freedom and sovereignty was being ripped off from me by "God". I tried convincing myself that it was "fair" for God to be the ultimate authority and all-praise-deserving being in the universe. But honestly, from the bottom f my heart, I felt that such was not morally "right". I begin feeling evil for even thinking like this, but I couldn't shake off the feeling. I felt like I was as evil as the "Devil" himself (since "Lucifer" became "Satan" because he tried to be more powerful than God).

My mind then begin to revolve around this issue at 180mph to trying to make sense of this so that my soul could be at ease, but I was hopeless. I tried to compare God's complete sovereign power to a parent-to-child relationship. In a parent-to-child relationship, I think most people agree that once the child grows up, matures, and becomes independent and has the ability to live on their own, such adult-child has the moral right to make their own decisions, and have the right to be in ownership of what they work for and earn. If God and humans were similar to parent-child relationships, then that means that God really is not even a "God", since you would eventually "graduate" from being under God's authority to being under your own authority. So I have no answers to whether my feelings towards Christianity are valid or not. On top of that, I now am not even sure if my parents have more authority over my life (because they provided me with life itself and raised me), than I do over myself. Now I actually feel like I am not my own. Like I do not have the right to live my own life. If my parents have ultimate authority over my life, then what is the point of working towards anything for myself. There would be NONE. I feel like I have to get my parents permission to do everything, since I feel like my life is not my own. I pay for all of my living expenses and my mom's as well since she does not work. My dad is well off working in the concrete industry, but I find jobs for him with my cousin since we started a small construction business. So I feel as if I have the potential to actually even care for them and help them out from the sincerity of my heart, but at the same time I feel that I am not allowed to make my own decisions and live my OWN life because ultimately, my parents have control of it. I have been battling this for about 2 years and I just don't know how to live anymore. Everyday I think about this all day, I have lost friends, became mega introverted, and never feel happy at all anymore. I just battle day by day, to try to find an answer to this that will give me relief.

Sometimes I convince myself that I am morally in the "right" to dictate my own life, and live it how I want (mind you, I just want to live happy, build a family, and make a positive impact on society big/small). But then comes doubt that maybe I don't deserve to own my own life, make my own life decisions, or have control over my being. I feel like I am enslaved to my parents and/or God (I doubt the divine existence of the Christian God now). I just want to figure this out.

I feel like since my parents created me, and raised me, that they get ultimate authority over me. This leaves me in a position of a slave. I feel that what I yearn for is to have the freedom and moral right to live my life as I want. To be able to choose my own life decisions, whether they are good or bad. I want to make good and healthy life decisions. However, I want to know that if I make mistakes in my life, that I am able to rightfully make such mistakes knowing that I will not be judged by my parents as if they are my king/queen/definitive-authority. I know everyone can judge you, and say whatever they want about you. The judgment I am talking about is more of rightful judgment that my parents can make about me, and them being ultimately right about their judgment simply because I am inferior to them, even if my argument is right/wrong.

As stated before, I also do believe that I do not own my own hard-earned money. The reason being that since my parents bared life to me, that they are ultimately also owners of that money, and even more so than myself. I actually just had a small argument with my mom, and I told her "Not to be crazy", and she flipped out on me and said that "We are not same". Meaning that because she is my mom, she is a superior being to me, and I an inferior. In the case of "God", this is how such being would act towards one eternally. He is forever superior, no matter what. I don't see how that could be fair.

I know I might sound ridiculous with this topic, but I swear to anyone who is reading that, this topic has really messed me up mentally during the last 2 years. I feel completely;y depersonalized. No happiness. I get actual psychical headaches and hard to explain strains in my head/brain when thinking about this. I get extreme anxiety. So much anxiety that I have driven to the ER twice during the last year because I felt like I was having a heart attack. One time my hand went a bit numb while I was at contractor school. Another time I was driving and got a sharp chest pain, and could barely take it. I've had EKG's several times with my doctor and at the hospital and it all points to anxiety. All I am trying to say is that the above issue that I just explained has actually been an actual, horrible blow, to my mental health, even if it may sound ridiculous as a topic.

Thanks in advance for any advice on what you guys think of my issue and any advice

PS: I have been to therapy on and off. I am starting to go again, but even sliding scale is expensive, since I do not have health care but also don't make much money either.
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Smile Jun 25, 2019 at 08:21 PM
  #2
Hello linuxb0i: Thank you for sharing your concern. I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central. I'm glad you're starting therapy again. There's a forum, here on PC, dedicated to the subject of psychotherapy. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/psychotherapy/

I'm afraid I don't know much of anything regarding religious OCD other than that it can be a struggle as you have so vividly described. Hopefully there will be some other members, here on PC, who will have insights they can share. In the meantime, though, here are links to 2 articles, from Psych Central's archives, one on the subject of religious OCD & the second on exposure and response therapy (erp):

OCD, Guilt and Religion

ERP Therapy: A Good Choice for Treating OCD

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
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