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bossmann2019
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Member Since: Jul 2019
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Default Jul 19, 2019 at 07:16 PM
  #1
ok to start i am an 18 year old male and am going to enter my first year of college. i am just confused and need a little advice/help. to begin i’m going to give a little background. as far back as i can remember i only have even romantically like women. i have never to this day felt any emotion connection to a male beside of corse family and friends. but when i was maybe 3 or so maybe younger i use to like to wear my mothers robe and these big heals and run around the house. i only kinda remember this because my parents have a picture of me doing it. as i got older i don’t remember putting on the heals except for one time when my brother and i were playing around and we were much older. also when i as younger i loved the movie cinderella. it my favorite movie. i would watch it over and over again. along with this I love disney world and always have silence i was a little boy. my entire family enjoys it. fast forward maybe to 4th grade i was having some major problems. i had my first sexual encounter with the boy next door that was my age. we went to my closet and turned the light off and touched each other’s butt. it was stupid and when it was over I felt horrible about it and cried to my mother a couple days later. I also wanted to say that i have always been more inclined to my mother, my father and i have never had the best relationship but my mother and i have always been close and for this i think that i have always been more inclined to females. in school, while i may have had a very personal personality, i found it hard to make friends boys and girls. i lived out of my schools district so i didn’t leave near the kids i went to school with so i kinda blame it on that. i began masterbating around 6th grade to straight porn and women. sometime around then maybe a little after that i honestly can’t remember i began to masterbate to gay porn and stuff like that and then would switch and stuff. I to this day have never felt any type of feeling towards a male but for some reason still watch gay porn. ever since i was in 6th grade kids called me gay and made fun of my voice because it “sounded gay”. When i was younger also around 6th grade gay people made me so anxious even the word. i can recall this instant where the 2 dads on modern family kissed and i immediately became anxious. i personally don’t have anything against gay people or gay rights or anything like that it just made me nervous. i’ve just come because one of my co workers that people say we act the same and even sound the same say they might be gay. and idk why but that set my anxiety off. i don’t know. i don’t feel gay and have only ever seen myself with a wife and kids and don’t feel emotionally for guys. however growing up and even today i have somewhat of a “gay voice” and people have always assumed i was gay when first meeting me. even after telling them no, they somehow don’t believe me. it has always been a problem with girls because like i said above most think i am gay. i have been in 1 real relationships and in love with someone twice. all 3 female. i like i said above do not see myself growing up with anything but a wife. i still masterbate to gay porn. not really because i enjoy it but i feel it is almost a habit or a obsession now. i also am constantly comparing myself to other guys and how they act. i have considered going to a speech therapist to help with my “gay accent” seeing that i want to be a politician when i get older my voice will most certainly get me nowhere. i just an anxious almost all the time that i am acting gay or that i sound gay and it gives me relief/happiness when a girl takes interest in me or some says they never thought i was gay. Could this be HOCD or just anxiety. i have always had bad anxiety not just about this but other things as well. i also have BPD and probably HPD. Both personally disorders. i also have ADHD. I just don’t know. I am anxious all the time and worry constantly that i am gay when i do not want to be/don’t feel gay. just wanted some advice.
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Smile Jul 19, 2019 at 08:42 PM
  #2
Hello bossmann: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central. (By the way, you mentioned having worn your mother's robe & heals around the house when you were 3 or perhaps younger. I just wanted to mention I began engaging in similar sorts of activities going back so far that I have no idea how or where it got started. Unlike you, though, I have had a life-long struggle with gender dysphoria. Still... I have that in my history as well.)

I'm not sure what to tell you about what you are experiencing. I'm not a mental health professional nor any kind of expert with regard to sexual orientation. However my lay-opinion would be you are not gay & should have no concerns with regard to the possibility you might be. It would be my personal opinion, though, that you really need to ditch the gay porn. Continuing to masturbate to gay prom is fanning the flames, so to speak, related to your concerns surrounding your sexual orientation. Plus any woman you are likely to get into a serious relationship with is unlikely to appreciate you masturbating to gay porn (or any other kind of porn either for that matter.) You can tell yourself you'll quit when your circumstances require it. But, at least from my perspective, this is likely to be easier said than done. Internet porn of any kind can be addictive. Here are links to 2 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on that topic:

What It's Like to Be a Porn Addict? An Interview with Noah Church (Part 1)

What It's Like for an Addict to Quit Using Porn? An Interview with Noah Church (Part 2)

You can also imagine you'll keep your porn-viewing a secret. But these types of secrets can corrode the most solid of relationships. There have been numerous threads posted, here on PC, written by wives who are deeply distressed because they've learned their husbands have been secretly watching, & perhaps masturbating over, internet porn. Plus, at the end of your post, you mentioned wanting to go into politics. I doubt I have to tell you how many professional careers have been destroyed when it has become public that a person (typically a man) has been found with porn on his employment-related computer. There simply is no up-side that I can see to what you are doing.

You mentioned having ADHD, BPD & probably HPD as well as anxiety. You didn't mention if you're seeing a therapist. If not, perhaps that is the best thing you could do at this point. Talking all of this through at-length & in-depth with a skilled therapist may help you to put it all into perspective & to put your sexual orientation concerns to rest once and for all. You mentioned possibly seeing a speech therapist. And that certainly sounds like a constructive thing to consider as well.

Anyway... I don't know if any of that is of any help really. Nothing in anything you wrote suggests to me you are gay, if that's any consolation. My personal non-professional opinion is that this may primarily be about anxiety & your concerns regarding your sexual orientation may primarily be symptoms of your anxiety. Is it possible that somewhere in your psychological make-up you have some latent gay "characteristics" (for lack of a better word?) Yes. Years ago people used to think of sexual orientation as one way or the other... straight or gay. But nowadays sexual orientation is seen to be more on a continuum with most of us falling somewhere in between the two ends of the spectrum. That doesn't mean, though, you need to be concerned you're possibly gay & don't know it. It simply means you're just like pretty-much everyone else. My best wishes to you...

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"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
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