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SunriseCoco
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Default Aug 23, 2019 at 01:57 PM
  #1
Now obviously I'm exaggerating. I don't know what severe schizophrenia and other disorders are like, but OCD rightfully ranks in the top 10 most disabling disorders worldwide.

I can't handle this anymore. My mind is so occupied with obsessions and compulsions I'm literally having such a stress-induced headache right now that I think I should lie down.

But my mind always keeps going. I constantly pay such attention to my surroundings and try to remember every single detail there is, because I know my OCD will force me to remember it later on. And if I already know my surroundings in and out, I need to make sure it's just as I remember it. My OCD has become progressively worse over the course of the past two years and now it's at a new all-time low.

All the little tips and tricks no longer work. It's so strong at the moment I wouldn't even know where to start to get it back under control. I can't go 5 minutes in peace without obsessions occupying my mind again and completely taking the focus away from what I was doing.

I'm taking medication and I feel like they're just making things worse. I won't ditch them, because I definitely don't want my anxiety to become even worse, but I feel like they impair my attention and short-term memory horribly at times. Or I'm just so exhausted my brain fails to pay clear attention sometimes.

It's nerve-wrecking. Today when I arrived at work I wanted to put my keychain in my backpack, but remembered I'm gonna need it again later so I should just put it in my jacket instead. Later, I put on my jacket, try to get my keys, and they weren't there. I was so confused. Where did I put them? They were in my backpack.

I clearly remember not having wanted to put them there, and yet they were there. I tried to recall what I did after I had that thought, but the memories were gone. It's like my brain went on autopilot for a few minutes, didn't put the keys in the jacket although I was just gonna do that, and failed to register any short-term memory for that period.

It's unsettling. It happens sometimes, and I think it's related to my medicine, because these occurences happened less often when I took less of it.

So in a sense, this just made me obsess more. Often memories become fuzzy too, blend into eachother, and whenever things don't turn out to be as I remember them, I obsess about it.

My compulsions are not exclusive to these intrusive thoughts of scenarios I have to keep thinking through, though. My compulsions are omnipresent, and often I can let them be, but whenever I fail to complete them and a false memory occurs, I immediately take it as a warning sign that it was a consequence of neglecting the compulsion, and that worse stuff is to follow.

Very often I end up trying to perfect the compulsions then, and they quickly tend to stack up. They often need to be resolved in a specific order, so on top of that my mind also got to keep track of all that.

Because of the compulsions, I also often fail to pay attention to my surroundings, which in turn leads to more obsessions.

They've become so frequent and I'm so obsessed with trying to make sense of everything, that I even started to write them down. I know it's a terrible idea since it just makes me spend more time with them, but if I don't, my mind just tries to remember what I wanted to obsess about, as well. So in a sense, it actually makes me spend less time with the obsessions.

But it's still a ******* mess. And it doesn't help that my OCD immediately starts thinking any false memory is some supernatural event and that failing to make sense of everything and fulfilling the compulsions will lead to bad events occurring. My cat's death, my mom's cancer, my girlfriend leaving, OCD blamed me for all of it.

I cannot catch a break.
It's disabling. I often can't make any progress at work because my mind is so full of garbage.

The only thought that's helping me calm is the thought of being dead soon. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal, and don't have any intention of taking my own life. But the thought of dying is a calming one. Knowing my mind would finally just stop. It's just a fantasy, as I still want to live. I just enjoy the thought of finally having some peace of mind.
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Default Sep 07, 2019 at 06:43 AM
  #2
This is my first time (I think) looking at this particular forum. I have some OCD tendencies. They're bad enough to be a pain in the rear at times. I'm able to believe, Sunrise, that you're not exaggerating. However, reading your post above makes me very grateful that I don't have what I'ld call a severe problem.

I can understand how this thing that I have had a mere taste of could be an ongoing source of genuine torture to someone more seriously afflicted. You have my condolences.

I thought of checking out this forum tonight because, over the past couple of days, I've managed to pick at my feet until they have started to bleed and become sore. It's minor. A couple of bandaids will suffice. And I just took some hydrocodone. I did this in the past. But I realized it was a dumb habit, getting out of hand, and I stopped. For months I stopped. But, under a bunch of accumulating stress, I recently started back up. Now that a spot on my foot is really sore, I'll knock it off. I have that much control.

Pardon me if I seem off topic. I know there may be other threads specifically for skin picking. I haven't looked around. But skin stuff isn't really my main problem. Mostly it's mental stuff: compulsive checking and rechecking, obsessive fussiness that makes it hard for me to finish tasks in a reasonable amount of time (which has cost me jobs.) (Hurray - pills kicked in, and feet stopped hurting.) I'm different from you and not as bothered. But I so related to your last paragraph above. My mind doesn't stop.

I've long thought that, if death means just sleeping the dreamless sleep, that would be heaven enough for me. The idea of human minds being immortal is repugnant to me. Echoing what Kay says in The Godfather, Part 1, I expect death to be final "because this must all end!" Mercifully, it shouldn't and can't possibly be allowed to continue indefinitely. I just pray there's no reincarnation. Maybe awareness gets recycled somehow. The Universe breaks down into matter and energy and sentience. If the first two are perfectly conserved, so that nothing is ever truly lost, then I expect the third follows the same principle. Whatever is is. Only form changes. Okay by me, so long as the patterns of thought that constitute my mind get completely and utterly disrupted.

Trying "to make sense of everything" is a preoccupation I can relate to. If I am reading a Wikipedia article, I tend to obsessively click on every blue highlighted word or phrase whose meaning I'm unsure of. That brings up a different article where I do the same thing. After a few more clicks, I've forgotten what I was originally looking up. I waste time amassing a head full of trivia. It can seem like I'm very focused, when I'm really suffering from a complete lack of mental self-discipline. Maybe that's a good short definition of OCD.

Neither TCAs nor SSRIs reduced this problem. I think my TCA might have made it worse. I hope your headache has passed.
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Default Sep 15, 2019 at 05:07 PM
  #3
I agree with you and I honestly think you're not exaggerating at all. I've had depression, agoraphobia, panic disorder, just about everything on the book, and OCD is by far the most disabling disorder.

Only very high doses of medication seem to stop the thoughts, but they also make me very sleepy and apathetic and I can only function (somewhat) at work. Just this week I've lost 5 objects because my mind is on autopilot. There was even an antidepressant that made me forget my own address (no doctors believe me, but I swear I'm not making this up).

I'll admit I've had good weeks or months where if I focused on things that made me happy I barely noticed my OCD, but it's been a downhill road for 2 months now. And I obsess about not getting any better.
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Default Sep 16, 2019 at 04:43 AM
  #4
Hi everyone.

Firstly, OCD is a complex disorder. Practitioners and doctors are still trying to pinpoint its cause and ramifications, but it is such a fast-paced and characteristic affliction that it is difficult to assert particularities. Same with every person being different, this distressing condition is distinct as well.

Intrusive thoughts are certainly a burden. It wasn't until recently that I discovered I had them, to a severe degree in fact, and came to terms that these voices are no my own, these thoughts are recurring sources of encumbrance. Cognitive therapy is recommended in this case, and journaling is one way to keep track of one's emotions, thoughts, and their intensity. I'm attaching a PDF document (virus-free) you can use to have a look at different techniques and tools for 'controlling' your OCD symptoms.

So Coco, you're doing the right thing. If you're not attempting to make a conscious effort of tracking these states of being, then who is? Getting back to basics and being in control of what you allow in your mind means that you acknowledge these thoughts exist and you agree with scrutinizing them on paper. Justifying your reasoning as to why they are meaningless and burdensome.

Rose, download a dictionary extension. Both Macs and Windows have that option. It'll save you the time from having to go look the word up. You'll just have to select the word and a pop-up will appear with the definition. It goes automatically and without any redirections. Just check the extensions for Safari or your web browser and download your fav dictionary. I usually use Oxford and Webster.

Attached Files
File Type: pdf cbt-techniques-and-tools.pdf (2.10 MB, 4 views)
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