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Old 10-04-2019, 03:31 PM   #1
akindman
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Confused Lost in an ocean of OCD and perfectionism

Hello,

Thank you for visiting my post. I admit that I don't know how to paraphrase this post to make it more readable, maybe that's because I'm a perfectionist and have some degrees of OCD or at least its symptoms. English is not my native language, but I'll do my best to clearly express my thoughts and feelings to you. It's going to be a long post, but please bear with me till the end my friends

A brief description of my life:

I'm a 25 years old guy from Iran. It took me a long time to decide whether I should disclose my location because usually, people on the internet start to discriminate me due to my nationality and the political issues surrounding Iran. I have nothing to do with the political system of Iran and I have never supported them, nor my mentality is the same to theirs. The situation in Iran is a little bit complicated, particularly to describe such a twisted system in this post. I'm thankful that still, I can use the internet and VPN, considering that they jam satellite TV signals constantly.

Despite the fact that there are many problems worldwide, I can say that life here is very different. Nearly everything is sanctioned or it's been affected by them. Prices are too high when compared with wages and there are many problems in society, like unemployment, inflation, corruption, embezzlement, and the list goes on. You canít have PayPal, international credit or debit cards and many other services. The purpose of this post is not to discuss those problems, though.

I'm dependent on my parents, both physically and financially but I'm considering doing online jobs or freelancing. I love the world of the internet and computers. Unfortunately, there are many challenges for me to start freelancing.

Iran is not an Arabic country and we donít speak Arabic except for some regions. Some people think here women wear Burqa which is not true at all. I'm not a Muslim so I don't believe that women must cover themselves for men.

Perfectionism, OCD, and Information Overload:

My biggest problem in life is that I can't efficiently manage my time and energy and I'd get easily distracted. I've shown to have some symptoms of OCD or maybe OCPD (though my therapist thinks I don't have OCPD and OCD, but I* have some symptoms of them) from my childhood. As an example, when I was about 10 years old, I'd take my favorite science book (I was obsessed with science and technology) and write every single name of everything I liked back then on its first blank page, sort of a collection or hoarding of names and information. That same thing has now, of course, been digitized, meaning that I save every useful URL to use them later as Big Data and to analyze them to get something useful out of it.

Arts and design have always been amongst my favorites. Having neat handwriting is one of my obsessions which oftentimes results in compulsive behavior.

My perfectionism (caused by anxiety?) shows itself in trying to find the best subreddit or forum to post this or struggling to write the best possible text.

My goal is to get everything done in the best possible way while having flexibility in time management, to exercise daily as much as possible (I don't exercise or play any sport) and being disciplined while bearing in mind that not always being busy means being successful. A jammed schedule has proven to cause me anxiety and stress. Perfectionism causes procrastination

My sexual frustration and its connection to OCD:

I've always been a sexual person since I can remember. Since my earliest ages**, I have had moderate foot/hand fetishes. Sex, love, and romance have always been what I dreamed for in life, besides the other natural human needs. I began masturbating at least since I was 10 years old, and from then on, I'd do that almost every day because I'd get attracted to many other features of the female human body that are not normally considered sexual, i.e. face, legs, etc. Before the final stages of puberty, I used to masturbate to the sight of my hairless feet and legs, imagining them to belong to a woman.

To me, monogamy or marriage is a great value, yet I find myself a slave to my porn files, having to organize them into categories because Iím a perfectionist. I don't find masturbation as an evil thing, on the contrary, I think moderate masturbation is good and makes me relaxed. That is why /r/NoFap sounds futile to me because I've already tried the same concept in my teens and it didn't work. Even I find /r/pornfree to be useless for me considering my strong sexuality that I even find some sexual hints in some rhythms or vowels or words. Consequently, blocking porn and hoping to get "healed" is nonsense as there would be always an alternative to porn, and it's offensive for me to be so weak that there would be the need for a content blocker instead of my will power.

My high sexual needs and excessive masturbation are currently big obstacles for me. I managed to delete about 70k sexual image files I saved over the course of a year from 4chan and other websites, but still, I have thousands more. At times (like now) it gets into compulsive hoarding/collection and decluttering.

Being a kissless virgin is not a rare thing here, yet it hurts me when I realize how I miss love and affection from a woman and how insanely I desire sex and getting a woman a crazy orgasm. I've never talked about this to anyone, even to my therapist. And not always I'd feel pleasure after masturbation. Sometimes it gets ruined in the middle of my orgasm when I realize that I'm just doing it to a bunch of lifeless pixels on a flat screen.

Often I think maybe I'm the horniest person my age, turned on by a toenail! Who else gets horny by unsexual sights of a hot woman's face on TV or in a magazine. I'd save every hot photo even if I don't find the time to view them later, maybe its a mental mechanism for sexual satisfaction.

Another thing that bothers me is that I don't like superficial relationships but I find myself so busy with porn and sex thoughts and desires. What I dream of is to have a great partner/spouse for a long time, not a harem of hundreds of hot girlfriends. I can easily get aroused by the scene of hot and beautiful girls outside in public.

So you can see that wasting my time with porn images roots somewhere else, and that is my perfectionism and wanting to see the hottest porn image on the internet, otherwise I can masturbate to the first image I find, instead I'd search for a couple of hours to find the best photo or video which would turn me on behind a flat screen.

So it's not all about porn, as I find this obsession and perfectionism in many other things as well. I have a long Watch Later playlist on YouTube which has never been opened to watch them. Lots of useful and interesting information in magazines, imageboards, Reddit, Instagram, various discussion boards and forums, YouTube and many other websites and Google search results. Lots of useful news articles, but I don't read them, instead I save them all for later use, like an archive and convincing myself that in the future Iíll develop an AI* to turn the pile of random information to something useful and meaningful. Lots of books in a library or a bookstore which Iíd like to read and learn. Simply TOO MUCH INFORMATION! You can read many people have commented under The Police song with the same name, saying that they are also having problems with information overload.

Seriously, what should we do in a world in which we have access to an unlimited amount of information we like or admire? Denis Diderot said this well:* "As long as the centuries continue to unfold, the number of books will grow continually, and one can predict that a time will come when it will be almost as difficult to learn anything from books as from the direct study of the whole universe. It will be almost as convenient to search for some bit of truth concealed in nature as it will be to find it hidden away in an immense multitude of bound volumes.". I want to read lots of books and to become knowledgable, but I'm a slow reader and OCD plays a rule.

I have also a long To-Do list filled with tasks like learning the history of the world, learning a specific skill, etc. I'd get a strange feeling whenever I open Instagram or see someone's YouTube playlists or subscriptions because I think I should learn something from those resources of information. Maybe someone follows a great account which I'm not aware of its existence.

These days I'm doing compulsive decluttering. I'm trying to look through 50k of porn images to delete the less hot ones. It's wasting my time but I canít overcome it. I donít know what to do. Should I keep my porn folder?* Should I only keep the best files in it?

Psychotherapy:

I've been visiting a young female clinical psychologist for a few months, in addition to taking Paroxetine/Paxil 20 milligrams per day. My therapist has made me feel better overall. She has taught me trying to notice and avoid projection among other things, and I began not to care about the things I can't change like power games and corruption. The atmosphere is very friendly in our therapy sessions, but I have some issues and questions which I'd like to talk about.

My therapist who's only 9 years older than me, only does ACT for my OCD symptoms, but I find ACT exercises to be silly although the general idea of mindfulness sounds cool. After I refused to do ACT exercises at home, she began Schema therapy for my other issues like getting annoyed by other people's slightest misbehavior. She's beautiful and I dream about having a romance with her and of course, having sex with her, but I know she would refuse everything out of the therapy sessions to stay in a professional distance. I dream to make her somehow impressed to fulfill my dreams with her. She seems to be the purest person I've ever seen and has made me think that I should marry a psychologist like her. I've never had such great conversations with anybody. I haven't told her anything about my love for her, or my problems with too much masturbation or obsessive-compulsive behaviors, those would be embarrassing, also I'm afraid she would refer me to another therapist or let my parents know about my feelings towards her. I don't have any close friends for different reasons (which explaining about them would make this post too long), let alone a girlfriend, so maybe that affects the matter. Besides, I don't know if there would be any benefit in telling her about it since she can't give me love and sex, and she doesnít tell me to suppress anything in my mind.

My opinion is that one hour a week with her is not enough for me. I need her to become my friend to chat with her every night, but she seems not willing to expand our interaction beyond the therapy sessions. My father even once suggested she become my life coach which she didn't give a clear answer to it. She became ďdisabledĒ a few years ago, but she gives lots of hope and positive energy. I sometimes get jealous of her other male patients or would get depressed if I think she has a boyfriend or has sex with a man. She doesn't look 10/10, but gradually she became my beloved person but Iím too shy to tell her that I crave her and being with her.

Thanks a lot for reading my post. Any input would be much much appreciated. What do you think I should do? What are your suggestions and recommendations? I'd appreciate every single piece of advice from you guys.

Peace
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Old 10-05-2019, 03:03 PM   #2
Skeezyks
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Hello akindman: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central.

As you no doubt realize, there's a lot in your post. It would be difficult to cover all of the various topics you've hit on. Plus I'm not a mental health professional. So all I'd be giving you would be my personal opinion which, in the end, really isn't worth very much. In reading through your post, however, a couple of things did stand out for me. So I'll comment on those.

The first thing that stood out for me was your statement that you have not talked with your therapist about your problems with too much masturbation, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, or your feelings for her either for that matter. Admittedly I don't have a lot of personal experience with mental health therapy. But I do believe that, for therapy to be of any real value, one has to be able to talk candidly with one's therapist about all or at least most of what's going on in one's "mental health life" so to speak. (This is actually one of the reasons I have not pursued therapy for myself any more than I have because there are important things about myself I could never share with anyone including a therapist.) My personal non-professional opinion is that since there appears to be so much you feel you cannot share with your therapist, perhaps this is a sign you really should think about finding a different therapist (perhaps a male?)

The second thing that stood out for me was your romantic attachment to your T. Here again therapy is not something I have a lot of experience with myself. But I am at least a bit familiar with the concept of transference. And, based on what you wrote, it sounds to me as though this is something you are struggling with. There is a sub-forum, here on PC, dedicated to the subject of transference. Here's a link to the transference forum:

https://psychcentralforums.com/roman...-my-therapist/

And, here again, the romantic feelings you have for your therapist are something I, at least, believe need to be discussed in therapy.

Here are links to 2 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject of transference in therapy plus links to 5 additional therapy-related articles that may be of interest:

Transference in Therapy

In Love with Your Therapist? Here's What to Do

6 Ways to Open Up and Talk in Therapy

Tips for Talking to Your Therapist

https://psychcentral.com/lib/therapi...st-of-therapy/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-thin...ut-in-therapy/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-y...ch-in-therapy/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.
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Old 10-08-2019, 12:12 PM   #3
akindman
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Default Re: Lost in an ocean of OCD and perfectionism

Thank you Skeezyks. You made me love PC much more!

My post covers a lot of issues, I know, but I wanted to give useful hints or information about myself as much as possible.

I've talked about my other OC behaviors, like the need for organizing everything, but she hasn't directly focused on that yet.

I think my feelings for my T is because I don't have any girlfriend or spouse, someone to spend my weekend with and have fun.
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Old 10-09-2019, 02:41 PM   #4
akindman
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Default Re: Lost in an ocean of OCD and perfectionism

Should I make a new post and focus on just one topic?
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