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gianga23
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Member Since: Nov 2019
Location: Italy
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Default Nov 09, 2019 at 09:55 AM
  #1
Hello,

I’m a 24 y old male from Italy. I believe I have a case of HOCD. Please tell me your opinion about it since where I live there aren’t any psychologists specialized in OCD.

I’ll tell you my background and the case that brought the obsession on.
I’ve always been a very anxious boy, about school, about religion and the meaning of life, sometimes I even had some obsessions about harming others. I didn’t go out much when I was little so that probably has/had an impact too.
I’ve also been a very deep and sensitive person.

But I NEVER doubted my sexuality until one day. I’ve always liked girls ever since I was little, declared my love to them, had sex with them, always considered myself a boy.

I was at my ex best friend’s house. It was me, him and a girl, a friend of ours. He put out his penis at one point, he was in erection. I had a vague pleasurable thought about licking/sucking it.
I never had any homosexual fantasy before, so it scared the crap outta me, I ran away literally and figuratively.

I stopped all my contacts with him and believe me, he was my brother. We were 18 then.
I also became really really scared about male people for some time. Like... “do I like him?” “Omg I’m looking at him”... so forth.
I’ve also had a girlfriend and had sex with her too during these years, but always with the fear of being gay in the back of my mind. Sometimes anxiety was so strong I couldn’t even get an erection.

Now luckily, most of my fears have disappeared. By this I mean I can stay with my brother, my father, my friends without thinking about them sexually or romantically.
I’ve also regained, although partially, my libido for girls. Though I’m too scared to date one now.

The only thing is I’m scared out of my mind about my ex friend. I can’t put him out of my mind and I’ve developed an anxiety disorder because of him.
By this I mean it’s like my mind tells me “ no you love him, you like him, you can’t live happy without him, so forth...” and I’m very anxious about life because I feel like maybe I’m being a fake person. So it’ difficult to be happy with constant fear.

I feel that if I force myself to decide if I like him or not, my brain still isn’t convinced.

We were tighter than tight, maybe too tight. I made all my important first adolescent experiences with him. We played songs together, we talked about girls together, about life and I have to admit I idealized him quite a bit. I felt like he was “superior” to me in a way, knew more people, knew more about life and so forth. So maybe this old inferiority complex and the cherished memories play tricks on me.

What can I do? Is this OCD?
Should I accept my anxiety, go forward with my life, let this obsession fade on its own and don’t argue with the thoughts about that episode or him?

I mean... I don’t feel anything for any other male, so I’m inclined to think this is an obsession, but my brain is stuck on him for 6 years and it keeps me urging to check if I like him or not. Sometimes it seems absurd for me to like him, other times not so, and I just can’t rest my head.

Please help me
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Thanks for this!
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Smile Nov 10, 2019 at 07:40 PM
  #2
I recall replying to your introductory post. You know... we here on PC cannot offer mental health diagnoses. Plus I'm not a mental health professional. So I can't tell you if what you are experiencing would be considered HOCD. That is something I believe you would have to determine with the help of a mental health professional. I know you wrote there are no psychologists who specialize in OCD where you live. Personally, though, I don't know if a psychologist who specialized in OCD is really necessary, at least not at this stage.

One thing I think it is important to consider is that we no longer think of sexual orientation in terms of strictly straight or gay. We tend, nowadays, to think of sexual orientation as being on a continuum with 100% straight & 100% gay as lying at the opposite ends of the continuum. And most of us, perhaps nearly all of us really, lie somewhere in between. So, from that perspective, there's nothing out of the ordinary in what you experienced with your friend. It's simply a normal part of human sexuality... nothing to be concerned about really.

You asked what you should do. My personal, non-professional opinion would be that finding a mental health professional (perhaps a psychologist or a mental health therapist) you can talk all of this through with would really be the way to go. I think you have to open the doors & windows, so to speak, on this & let the sun shine in. If there simply is no mental health professional you can see where you live, perhaps on-line therapy might be something to consider?

Should you accept your anxiety, go forward with your life, let this obsession fade on its own, & not argue with the thoughts? Well... I don't think you should accept your anxiety. Anxiety left untreated can do a lot of damage over the long haul. (Trust me on that one okay?) Certainly there is something to be said for allowing the obsession to fade on it's own if you can manage to wait it out although, from what you wrote, it sounds as though that may be tough on you.

As far as not arguing with the thoughts goes, I would say yes trying to argue with these sorts of thoughts, or forcibly stop them, or push them back down is not a helpful way to proceed. The better alternative, to my way of thinking, would be to simply allow them to arise-&-fade at their own pace & accept them with what is sometimes referred to as compassionate abiding. Thoughts are just thoughts & we don't have to become hooked by them. We can simply acknowledge their presence when they come up, breathe into them, smile to them, perhaps even place a hand over our heart as a sign of lovingkindness for them. No big deal. Compassionate abiding is a Buddhist practice. However here's a link to a mental-health-oriented description of the practice:

Relieve Distress By Allowing It: Compassionate Abiding 101 | Mindset: Perspective Is Everything

And then here are links to 10 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help:

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) | Psych Central

Is It Anxiety or OCD?

ERP Therapy: A Good Choice for Treating OCD

Four Steps to Manage Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...nful-emotions/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/weigh...your-feelings/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-ways...ough-emotions/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/9-ways-...ere-right-now/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/15-smal...iety-symptoms/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/top-10-...s-for-anxiety/

My best wishes to you...

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"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
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gianga23
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Default Nov 16, 2019 at 05:47 AM
  #3
Thank you for the advice!

Anyone else wanna share their thoughts?
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