OCD in dating concerning AIDS and other STIs

I will not repeat my entire history here, as it probably is quite known already, but I am a male who is still single/virgin at 30. I already have a lot of problems in dating and social interactions. However, since I was around perhaps 10 or 11 or so, I remember in sexual education having to learn about STIs, with a special emphasis on HIV and AIDS. Now I remember the well-known ways of infection, i.e. blood, sexual fluids, etc. But on and off I heard how there was a debate about whether saliva and tears were possible dangers of transmission. Also, I have OCD with my handwashing, so I often have open cuts on my hands.

I have zero experience in both relationships and sex, so I have never had any form of sex, never have had any sort of kiss, and have not really held hands other than a few times when a couple times when girls laced fingers with my hands without my expecting it.

I just realised how my deep fears about STIs, specifically AIDS, also could hinder me in any future relationship. I remember when I was a teenager being extremely paranoid about HIV virii being everywhere, that I wondered if I could get AIDS from kissing even. I remember that when I was a teenager, there was something on the TV news that had said that HIV could contrary to popular opinion be transmitted via saliva if in great amounts. That really scared me and basically confirmed my fears. It did not really matter, since it seemed like no girl wanted to kiss me anyway, but still. Up to now I still have fears about this. Not to mention actual vaginal sex as well.

I try to imagine that in a relationship, I would be petrified of even hand-holding, not only from my own aversion to touch, but also my severe fear that I could get AIDS through cuts in my hands. As much as I would love to have it, I am still concerned about vaginal sex and possible AIDS infections. I have some sort of obsessive fear that what if some woman lies to me or does not know that she has AIDS and then I catch it. I keep replaying this hypothetical over and over in my thoughts.

I am 30, so I was not old enough during the early and mid 1980s to experience the paranoia about AIDS. However, I am just as paranoid as any random person was during for example 1981 or 1982 when AIDS started spreading like an epidemic throughout the West.

This sounds ridiculous given that I have a degree in biology, so I feel like I should know what really is going on by myself. But I am still confused ever since I saw the TV report that AIDS can be transmitted by large quantities of saliva. French kissing scares me a lot for this reason.

I have some other paranoid fears, for example sometimes I get paranoid if someone is putting AIDS in my food and stuff. But that is a completely different topic/fear.

Are my fears excessive? Or is there some truth to what worries me?

There is a way you can have safe sex. Take your time picking and dating a partner. Talk with them about being safe. Dont proceed unless you trust the person. Have a committed relationship and both get tested before having sex, or practice safe sex if you dont want to wait. If you use latex condoms or limit yourself to hand stimulation (surgical gloves seems like overkill to me), wash a lot, and dont kiss, you avoid the big hazards. Learning really excellent massage techniques is safe too. Get a really good recent book on all of these aspects.
I lived through the days before AIDS, during AIDS, and now there are or are suspected new strains of AIDS coming out of Asia. Paranoid, I dont think so. Rates of STDs are skyrocketing in the US because the advances in AIDS treatments made people overconfident about the dangers. Im so, so sorry that there are real dangers. But dealing with the risks in a safe way should make you more confident.
Frankly, I think you are the smart one. You know yourself that nobody is putting AIDS in your food.

Wait, you mean no kiss in that it actually is possible to catch the virus that way? When I was young, I was taught in school that saliva does not transmit AIDS, but later during the evening news saw that saliva can actually transmit the virus. Then I heard reports that actually no, saliva cannot transmit the virus, and that kissing can only transmit the virus if one of them has blatantly bleeding gums or some other oral problem. Up to now I am still confused about this saliva issue.

It is more like sometimes I can paranoid if someone cooking food has AIDS and that it could somehow end up in my food, especially food that is not thoroughly cooked. Of course this sounds crazy, but it is just one of my fears.

You could get hurt having casual sex because you cant read people that well.However normies trust the wrong people sometimes too. Get a mentor. Wow, you’d better not have casual sex.You really dont have updated info about stds.

These fears could severely impact a future relationship and should be addressed. A partner will likely take it personally if you flinch from a kiss or touch or seem disgusted based on these fears. Do you have a good primary care physician you trust enough to get accurate info about HIV and AIDS? Or you could read some medical journals. Evening news reports are sometimes no more reliable than a You-Tube comments section.

It’s better to be a virgin than to get something from some uncaring person who never gets tested. Know all the facts and know your partner. Any doctor should know that the rates of stds are skyrocketing per the CDC . But do they , and do they have time to care? Doctors have less time to read than I do. And from what Ive seen as a medical advocate, many doctors dont have enough time with their 15 minute appointments to dispense adequate information or even to care. I am probably older than you,SL, and I know from those freewheeling days before AIDS that many people just didnt give a damn about these issues and many still dont.

Concerns about STIs are very well-founded, because yes, they are on the rise and some people have become complacent about HIV because of advances in anti-retrovirus drugs. But that concern, just like any other, is itself a concern if it inhibits us from living our best lives. A concern for healthy eating and working out is a good thing, but it can become pathological if it's taken to the extreme of counting every calorie and every nutrient, constantly testing your blood levels, and exercising to the point of self-harm.

It's always wise to seek the advice of experts when you are unsure and are getting conflicting information. It's true that many doctors either don't have time or simply don't care (I've had a lot of bad experiences with doctors) but there are some who will answer your questions, especially about something this important. There are also RNs, NPs, and PAs who can answer these questions, and I've received much more detailed information from them than from DOs and especially MDs.

Considering your area, Lundi, there must be clinics on nearly every street corner that do testing and offer information. Someone there might be able to give you accurate info.

There have been quite a few incidents in the poorer areas of the city where there are large amounts of IV drug users. They drop infected syringes on the pavement, and some people have stepped on them, my guess with some sort of soft or open-toed shoes, and contracted HIV. So there are some rather odd risks here that one could technically get HIV by just walking down the street Downtown. This in itself fires up my OCD because it is no longer just fears, these things actually are happening.

Regarding kissing, I read a bit more about how saliva apparently carries the HIV virus, but in such low amounts that it is effectively “tamed”. However when it comes for the time for actual sex, I would be comforted if both of us got tested, just to be completely sure.

I would not mind having myself tested when the time comes, even though I am a virgin and by definition cannot have any sort of VD in the first place. Just to have the “negative” status on my record as proof. And I do not do IV drugs at all, so that one is also out of the question.

Fair enough, I guess that that is true. When I was a teenager and in my 20s, I was not pleased with being a virgin. But at the same time I was a bit scared of all VD, especially AIDS. I had a cousin who had contracted AIDS in the mid 1980s and died in the early 1990s. I attended his funeral when I was a boy. Family members often told me about AIDS and my cousin, so I probably got a bit paranoid from that as well.

That is true. I remember when I was younger, like 11 or 12, I was paranoid that if I went to a restaurant where the chef had AIDS, that s/he would accidentally cut his or her fingers whilst cooking, and the fresh blood would fall onto my food. I often wondered if red-coloured food, like borscht, tomato soup, marinara sauce, etc. might have the blood of a chef that had AIDS. Of course all of this is a bit insane and unlikely, but my OCD about AIDS was pretty high back then. I think that the fact that one can never get cured fuelled my paranoia.

Again, I am not sure how I got so confused with the saliva and AIDS thing. Something must have been misinterpreted as some point in my childhood. For years, I thought that if I made out with a girl, that I was putting myself at risk of AIDS. I was told though that bleeding gums for example would transmit the virus via blood. So I thought, well if I made out with a girl, that I better make sure that we both did not have bleeding gums. Not anything to worry about since I did not have an opportunity anyway…

There probably are a lot of clinics. No other cities in the Western world have been as ravaged as much by AIDS than San Francisco. My mother definitely remembers the 1980s and how the disease was all over the news. And of course, my cousin with AIDS.

I remember actually seeing news footage from the early to mid 1980s on AIDS. I think that what I might have done wrong is that I took those news reports as fact, when back then they probably did not know enough about the disease.

I always worry sometimes about stuff like condoms slipping or breaking. But I have no girlfriend yet, so it is not like this is pertinent right now.