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Old 12-23-2019, 04:26 PM   #1
floral85
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Trig Does your OCD make you feel you did something?

Does anyone else struggle with "false memories"?

So, when I was 16 I babysat this baby and I remember holding him and thinking wow all of my problems just seem to fade away while holding him.
When I got to babysitting him more and changing his diaper, intrusive thoughts would pop up.

I was SO anxious over this. I remember searching the internet for days to see what was going on, why those thoughts were there. I remember looking up unwanted thoughts.

But now, like 15 years later, I'm sitting here like, "Okay, what if I did do something and don't remember?"

The reason why I'm thinking this now is I remember my mom talking to the baby's mom because his mom and dad were going through some separating thing or breaking up, something like that. I remember the baby's mom saying something about how the baby was "red down there" and I remember my mom telling the baby's mom, "Oh he doesn't want to say anything like that." So I'm assuming he meant something by it.

So now in my mind, I keep trying to think what if I did do something and just don't remember? What if I thought all these years it was just unwanted thoughts but somehow got scared I did something and thought of it as thoughts instead?

I wish I could stop overthinking. I do remember seeing a counselor after this and describing it as unwanted thoughts.

Last edited by bluekoi; 12-23-2019 at 11:07 PM.. Reason: Add triggger icon.
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Old 12-24-2019, 08:07 PM   #2
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Smile Re: Does your OCD make you feel you did something?

Thanks for sharing this. I'm not a mental health professional. So I can't say anything authoritative about it. But I suspect this is simply (I say "simply"; but I know it's not really simple) your OCD trying to convince you that you did something you did not. This is a type of OCD that, I believe, is sometimes referred to as: "Pure O". Perhaps you're familiar with the concept? Family therapist, Kati Morton, has a video on her YouTube channel on the subject of Pure O. Here's a link:

YouTube

And then here are links to 3 articles, from PC's archives, that offer tips for how to stop ruminating plus links to 2 articles that offer tips for how to stop obsessing:

Why Ruminating is Unhealthy and How to Stop

8 Tips to Help Stop Ruminating

Podcast: Ruminations and Worrying Ruining Your Day?

Some Ideas to Help Stop Obsessing

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...bout-worrying/

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Old 12-26-2019, 04:38 PM   #3
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Default Re: Does your OCD make you feel you did something?

Hi,

I am so glad you posted this as it is exactly what I have been suffering from this past year. I have had what I now understand as Pure OCD since my early twenties. Especially around Christmas time this is ruining my life.
My most severe episode has been this past year when in June/July I had a trigger where on a walk around the park I became convinced I had murdered someone. I tried to rationalise this but the thought would not budge. It even got so far as ‘picturing’ the event in my head and this served only to make it seem real when in fact it was completely the opposite. I had all sorts of anxiety related symptoms in response to this and I never felt so ill. It lead me to having to obsessively film myself in public because I did not trust my memory.
This December has been hands down the worst month of mental health I have ever had. The run up to Christmas has been horrendous and even the day itself presented a false memory. I started on Mirtazapine a few months ago and I started to become sensitive to it by not being able to sleep on it. I suddenly stopped it A couple of weeks ago just so I could sleep. The withdrawal symptoms were so intense I went back on a low dose. I have since been unable to sleep again so taken the decision to come back off it. It’s ironic that I went on Mirtazapine to control the my mind generating false memories only for it to make the situation much much worse as when I am tired I am more susceptible to false memories.
Apologies for the long post but needed to get it off my chest.
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Old 12-26-2019, 04:40 PM   #4
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Default Re: Does your OCD make you feel you did something?

It’s weird because I know deep down these thoughts are bloody crazy but my mind just make them even more real. I have honestly never felt more vulnerable and frighted in my entire life as I can’t trust my own mind anymore.
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Old 12-27-2019, 02:28 PM   #5
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Default Re: Does your OCD make you feel you did something?

Bongo 2015, I'm so sorry you are feeling the same way. OCD can be so debilitating. The only good thing about having OCD is I guess we can help others and when I help others it makes me happy.

I think some type of exposure therapy could work wonders for both of us. Like to challenge your park scenario. You could write down on a piece of paper the murder thing you worry about. Like tell your brain "okay if this is true, how did the murder happen?" "Who was it?" "Also, if I really murdered someone then how come the other people at the park didn't say or do anything?'

Then write your answers down. Challenge your brain. Get into it until it becomes a silly thought process.

I could probably do this too, but isn't it funny that we can help other people but not ourselves?

You're a good person, Bongo2015 and I know we shouldn't give reassurance but sometimes we just need to hear we are good people.

One quick thing, have you tried Inositol? A counselor had told me if you don't have any other medical issues, try 2,000 mg in the morning and 2,000 mg at night but make sure it's a brand that is at least 99% pure inositol. I guess her clients are seeing amazing results.
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Old 12-28-2019, 07:14 AM   #6
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Default Re: Does your OCD make you feel you did something?

Yes I am glad I came across these forums four/five years ago as it has helped me to understand that I am not alone in feeling this way. I began to have cognitive behavioural therapy with Trent PTS earlier in the year but was then referred to the community mental health team so couldn't have both services. I have found that the care I am receiving with the CMT is compassionate, it is not really helping with my OCD. I have found that whenever I have a 'OCD thought episode' the feelings are very intense when I have it but after a few weeks I forget all about it. However, I still need help to combat these thoughts as they will always come back biting! Ive not tried Inositol but it is something I can bring up with my GP.
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