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Legendary
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Portland
Posts: 12,681
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#1
Hey, guys. New to this board, so super-quickie history: Long-time bipolar 1 with a lot of recent mania and psychosis. Voices, cameras in the apartment, racing thoughts, etc. On and on. Been going on for years.
In the past several months, I have noticed myself counting (in my head) pretty much continuously. I count everything. How far I turn up my music, how many strokes I pedal on my bike, how many vegetables--everything. The final count must always be an even number, otherwise, in my mind, something disastrous will happen. So, it is very important to count correctly. Generally speaking, all other things being equal, I count to 16 and then start over again. So, if I ride 100 miles on my bike, I will count to 16 over and over for those 6 or whatever hours, without stopping. 16 is the preferred number, but if that can't be done, it has to be an even number. Any thoughts on this are appreciated. I have no hand washing, door locking, hair pulling, germ cleaning type of history of any kind. Not really sure about this, but thought you all might have some thoughts. Thanks!! __________________ When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield |
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Fuzzybear
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since May 2013
Location: Chicago
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#2
Quote:
Isn’t there something called pure O OCD? __________________ Hugs! |
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bpcyclist
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bpcyclist
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Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
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#3
Since it just started, maybe it is due to a med you are taking.
I have had mild OCD (self diagnosed) since I was a kid. I type in the air while listening to a teacher or conversation. I count; like all the steps I take doing something. But I don’t believe that something bad will happen if I don’t. It’s only a compulsion, that’s why I say it’s mild. Just my opinion. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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bpcyclist
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bpcyclist
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Legendary
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Portland
Posts: 12,681
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#4
Thanks, you guys. I appreciate the feedback. Yeah, it's possible I might have something along the lines of a Pure O OCD. A bit of a less common one, apparently, but it seems possible. I do think the counting is an avoidance strategy. That as long as I count, these things that terrify me won't happen. Makes me very, very, very anxious just writing this. But I do want to get better, as it is a bit debilitating to have to constantly count everything.
So, I'll look into it some more and ask my pdoc what he thinks. I am pretty good at CBT, which is one of the treatments, appraently. The other, the exposure therapy thing, that just totally terrifies me. I'm not sure I could do it. __________________ When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield |
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Legendary
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Portland
Posts: 12,681
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#5
So, did a ton of reading last night and I personally feel I have a pretty good idea maybe of what is going on here. First, the counting is definitely an avoidance strategy. It allows me to avoid dealing with a fear or two. Second, I did some CBT while I was out for a walk last night and realized that one of the fears was actually completely irrational and not supported by facts. The facts strongly support the opposite, which is very calming. Third, the thing that I am most fearful of is actually my own, longstanding PTSD. I do not want to deal with it. You'll note I don't even list it on my sig, even though it is horrific and crippling for me. I don't really want to even acknowledge that I have it, for some reason or other. In short, I am afraid of being afraid again.
So, I need to figure out how to deal with all this. I did do something recommended on my 3 hour bike ride last night and forced myself to not count to 16 the entire time. It was anxiety-provoking, but I did it. Every time I started counting, I just brought myself back, kind of like when a thought comes by and you are trying to meditate. I'll post a f/u when I know more. Thanks again for the help! __________________ When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield |
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Sometimes psychotic
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New Member
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: Maryland
Posts: 2
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#6
Hey bp!
I completely relate! I have OCD, and I count repeatively. Anything from ceiling tiles to simply counting forwards and backward to 100 over and over again. Counting rituals are considered compulsions, and are usually done to "conceal" the compulsion to avoid shame and embarrassment. I can usually keep the counting rituals under control, unless I'm under a tremendous amout of stress or a trigger comes along to disrupt my zen. My therapist and I have concluded that it only starts getting bad again when PTSD rears it's ugly head. LIke you said, I'm afraid to be afraid. I've learned that if I picture a stop sign in my head in the middle of counting, it usually helps stop the ritual. Then I can take a few nice, calming deep breaths and normally re-center myself. |
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New Member
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: South Africa
Posts: 4
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#7
Hi bpcyclist
I too can relate. I have OCD and I count everything: tiles, steps, heart rate, breathing rate. Not only do I count, I memorize number plates. I also touch type in the air, or on the table when I'm thinking. My brain creates shapes and angles on the ceilings and the walls and I'm always measuring these. I rhythmically tap out fourths with my fingers. I could go on... I obsess about counting, etc. but, I'm not worried that anything bad is going to happen if I hit a certain number, etc. You're not alone. LTLTR. |
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
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#8
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Elder Harridan x-hankster
Member Since Jun 2011
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#9
Prozac helped me stop counting. It will come back once in a while, but i can usually turn my mind away from it.
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Veteran Member
Member Since Jan 2019
Location: Pittsburgh
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#10
I've had trauma-induced OCD for decades. Repetitive counting is pretty common compulsive response to anxiety. Since the quarantine, I have found myself thinking I'm hungry, going to the refrigerator, counting every item in my refrigerator, then closing the door, deciding I'm not hungry anymore. I do this now 5 or 6 times a day. Since food scarcity was a serious problem when I was a child, I used to hoard food. I'd store canned goods under my bed and I couldn't sleep unless I counted them 10 times and divided the number up by the number of days in the week. If the number was greater than 1, I went to bed feeling safe.
I talked to my psychiatrist this week about my refrigerator obsession. He said the stories of national hoarding and panic buying were probably triggering trauma memories of scarcity. So, I'm counting items in my refrigerator. It's an anxiety/fear response. The thing is, I am terrified to eat the food. The count will lower. I've lost 8 lbs since the quarantine started because I don't want the count to drop. The standard treatment for OCD is an SSRI, but I can't take them. They make me wildly manic. So, we use Seroquel. It's ok, but I still have symptoms. Having said all that, I do think your counting is an anxiety response. The counting is a form of relief. When the source of your anxiety is reduced, I'll bet your counting compulsion will also reduce. |
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unaluna
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unaluna
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Member
Member Since Apr 2020
Location: Christchurch
Posts: 36
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#11
These seem like OCD tendencies, but not full-blown OCD.
Best thing to do is challenge the idea of counting to a specific number; e.g. when you have the intrusive thought arise about counting whilst doing something, don't count. When this happens it's likely you'll get a spike in anxiety, and more thoughts about counting. Just learn to to tolerate these thoughts and feelings, and overtime your anxiety and compulsions will subside. Here's a video for overcoming intrusive thoughts / anxieties: YouTube |
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