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Ifddel
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Default Apr 05, 2020 at 10:31 AM
  #1
Hi everyone! This post might be a little tmi but please bear with me, I’m incredibly stressed. I’m 21, female, and have dealt with OCD since I was around 9 or 10 years old. Over the last 4 years, I’ve mostly only dealt with compulsions and no new intrusive thought but now I have what I’m really hoping is HOCD intrusive thoughts but I’m not sure.

I was going through Snapchat yesterday when I came across these pictures of these Instagram models and thought they were attractive and then I guess in a way, ended up looking at them through a guy’s eyes?

Like, I ended up thinking about the stuff my boyfriend says to me about my body and thinking about that in relation to them and it aroused me and then I started freaking out over the possibility of being bi. I keep checking to see if I have any attraction to attractive females now, and if I do I feel really bad, I don’t want to be attracted. I’ve been 220% straight my entire life.

Yes, I have found girls attractive but I’ve never been attracted to them. I’ve never had any crushes on a girl , ever. But ever since this has happened I’ve been freaking out. I don’t have anything against the lgbtq community but not me. That’s not me. Since then I’ve also started googling if people have been through something similar or how you know you’re bi or not and one of the things pointed out was that you don’t want a romantic relationship.

At first, I was straight up like “yeah Ik I don’t” but then I started doubting that, and the more I picture it or think about it, the more I think I want it or like it while at the same time there’s a sinking feeling in stomach. But then when I step back, I don’t want it. And I hate this so much. I can’t tell if I’m in denial or something or if this is hocd?

Being bi isn’t appealing to me. I don’t know what’s right anymore or if I even do actually like what I’m thinking about or if me dwelling on it is what’s making me think that. Like I dwell on it and start thinking I’d like it but then it wavers.

I don’t want this to ruin my relationship either, I love my boyfriend very much. Please help.
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Thanks for this!
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Smile Apr 05, 2020 at 02:43 PM
  #2
Hello Ifddel: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. Welcome to Psych Central.

I'm not a mental health professional. So I can't offer you anything in the way of an authoritative opinion regarding what you are experiencing. Based on what you wrote though, my impression would be this has little or nothing to do with your sexual orientation & everything to do with anxiety & OCD. Here's a link to an "Ask the Therapist" column, from Psych Central's archives. While the writer's situation is a bit different, I think the therapist's reply is apropos:

Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or Denial? - Ask the Therapist

And then here are links to 7 articles on how to handle intrusive or obsessive thoughts:

Coping with Obsessive Thoughts

7 Ways to Stop Obsessing

Four Steps to Manage Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

9 Ways to Let Go of Stuck Thoughts

https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-ways...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/some-i...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-ca...dium=popular17

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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Default Apr 06, 2020 at 12:35 AM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
Hello Ifddel: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. Welcome to Psych Central.
Thank you! that was very helpful to read!
I started working on some assignments after (assignments that were enough to distract me for a bit), and right now I’m at the point where if I think about myself with a girl sexually, I feel butterflies and if I think about being with a girl romantically, I feel butterflies and am not repulsed and this combined with me calming down is starting to make me think I’m accepting that I’m bi or something, but I don’t want to accept that. Because I don’t want to be bi. I like only liking guys. I was fine just a few minutes before all of this happened and now with every girl I see, butterflies. I wish I could rewind time back to before that all happened.
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Smile Apr 06, 2020 at 04:30 PM
  #4
Well... I'm an older person myself. And way back when I was young, & where I grew up, you were straight... period. And perhaps there might have been some people who were "homosexual"... or (heaven forfend) even transgender! But if they were... they kept it to themselves.

One thing I've come to understand over the past few years is that human sexuality is more than simply straight versus gay (or male versus female for that matter.) It lies on sort-of a continuum with straight & gay being at opposite ends. At least that's the way I think of it now. And if we were honest about it, most of us would lie not at the polar opposites of the continuum, but somewhere in-between.

So yes perhaps there is some part of your psychological make-up wherein you can find yourself attracted to members of your own gender. But I think that's probably pretty normal, especially nowadays where people are more free to consider possibilities beyond simply gay or straight. (Way back when I was young such possibilities would never have even occurred to most of us.) Coming to the realization that there may be some part of you that could be attracted to members of your own gender doesn't really change anything. You certainly don't have to act on it if you don't want to. It simply means, perhaps, that you're coming to a deeper understanding of yourself as a human being. And that, I would say, is something to be celebrated! At least that's the way it seems to me.

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Default Apr 15, 2020 at 05:58 PM
  #5
Hey Ifddel,

I have suffered from HOCD myself, and have been diagnosed with OCD, etc.

I know that it's stressful, but no matter what OCD theme you are dealing with you need to look at the cycle.

First, intrusive thoughts:

-about liking women

These in turn affect your feelings:
- You feel anxious
- You feel sick, etc

And this is the part which keeps the OCD cycle going (behaviours):
- You are 'checking' to see if you are attracted to women each time you see one, or look up images online.

- You maybe try to get 'rid' of these butterflies and emotions that arise.

- The reassurance you get is only temporary, and pushing away the feelings doesn't work; and then the cycle repeats itself.



You need to learn to tolerate your thoughts and feelings about being bi, and not interact with them (work them out, etc).

Overtime the intrusive thoughts and feelings will subside.
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