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I hate myself
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Member Since: Dec 2019
Location: United States
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Trig Apr 28, 2020 at 07:32 PM
  #1
'm scared I might enjoy the thoughts. I don't know if I have much empathy but I do have a guilty conscience I know that.I do want to have empathy though, I do like cute things, I just don't feel bad for others when I want too. I do feel sorry for them and want to help them, but I feel no emotion I think. :/
The thoughts I get mostly are my brain trying to tell me I want and enjoy and like the thoughts, but I don't like them and don't want them.
I want to manage them, but I want to develop empathy and make sure i'm not
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before I can be sure it's OCD and manage the thoughts effectively.
I can start sleeping better and I can dream nicer things instead of the violent flashes now, which is good. I just cannot listen to music without some sort of animation or else the violent thoughts will flash in my mind.
I do have a therapist meeting today so I hope I can the therapist how I feel and ask how I can improve. I'm too scared to tell her even though my mom won't be there today.
I just wish I never had these thoughts, I don't want to become a murderer. I just wish I was a good person, a normal person.
I used to browse and participate in
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so I was happy. They were all good people who cared about others, so I want to go back to it, though I told myself I wouldn't. What do I do about this?
I don't want to be self-centered either as I heard most psychopaths are like that. I'm also scared that I might like murderers and not hate them too.
As for Zoanthids though, yes they are the toxic ones, I think they are very beautiful corals.
EDIT: When I watch TV, when there is a sad seen, my first instinct is too want to hug the characters. Is that a good thing? Plus when I'm with my pets, I get all cuddly with them and kiss them and hug them, pet them a lot but not aggressively.
Also these thoughts just popped up one day out of no where(I think), and I don't want them. I don't want to live like this or become a
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My life would be so much better without the thoughts, but I read you are born with psychopathy, am I one? I also don't know if these thoughts will go away, I just want them gone.
I don't think I'm cunning or manipulative, I don't do anything bad nor do I hurt or threaten people with the context of hurting them(I did use to when I was angry though, but it wasn't extreme death threats or assault just yelling and a punch or two and it would only be in fights with my brother.)
I'm not a violent person.
I was bullied before, and I did consider
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but I never acted on the thoughts, I don't get in fights either nor do I bully others(I used too in 3rd grade but I was immature then). If anything, crime shows freak me out rather than "inspire" me. They are a main cause of the thoughts, one of them at least.
I will do ANYTHING to be a normal person without the violent thoughts, I love animals and am cutting down meat consumption, I am a supporter of equal rights but am a conservative, I dislike hunting and never participated in it. I wish I never had these thoughts and was a much happier person before them.
Please help me, I cannot and will not live like this any longer, I don't want to live like this and if it is permanent I will turn myself in to a psychward or prison so I don't harm another creature. I promised myself I would
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Last edited by bluekoi; May 01, 2020 at 10:13 AM.. Reason: To bring withing community guidelines.
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Smile May 01, 2020 at 02:16 PM
  #2
I see you actually posted this a couple of days ago. And you mentioned you had a meeting with your therapist scheduled for later in the day. I hope that went well & you were able to open up with regard to your concerns. (I know how difficult that can be.)

Of course I don't have any real answers for you to any of this. But a couple of things I noted in your post were your references to the dark web & to crime shows on TV. Personally I think one thing that might help is to simply not participate in, or watch, these sorts of things. Simply realize & accept that, for you, any of these kinds of things are toxic & you must stay away from them. It's not unlike a person who has diabetes who can't eat sugary stuff for example. And so, instead, fill your life with uplifting, positive things.

I know, in my own case, I just have to stay away from the news especially now with the current health situation. It all just freaks me out. I don't even know why. My wife watches the news on TV (as well as reads the newspaper.) When she turns on the news on TV, I just have to leave the room.

So take an "inventory", so to speak, of all of the things you have going on in your life. Commit yourself to shunning anything & everything that could have the potential to trigger the kinds of thoughts you're concerned about. Talk openly with your therapist. Develop a meditation practice if you don't already have one. Develop an exercise routine... (hopefully something you actually enjoy; because if you don't genuinely like it, it's unlikely you'll stick with it.) If you're not into the types of exercise activities most people pursue, consider developing a yoga practice or perhaps learn Tai Chi. There are all sorts of different possibilities just depending on what appeals to you personally. (I realize that, currently, with the health situation being as it is, it can be difficult to do anything that would require you to be a part of a group. So you may have to improvise for a while. But simply do the best you can.)

The thing is... the problems you're struggling with aren't going to go away by themselves. You have to commit to a conscious effort to change & become the person you really want to be. (Do you have an idol... someone positive you admire & could aspire to be like?) Throw out anything in your day-to-day life that you think could be contributing to the struggles you're having. And adopt new positive & uplifting habits & interests. That, it seems to me, is the way to way to win the battle you are waging. What a victory that would be, wouldn't it!

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"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
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