Am I Just Plain Mean?

I think I've reached a point where there's just no compassion left. Not for my husband, at least. All I feel when I look at him is frustrated and angry. I feel like he's manipulating me for nurturing and the same old reassurances. After 10 years, I am tired. Sometimes I think I'm dealing with a teenage drama queen. Most of the time when we argue, he goes into this woe is me thing.... "I'm such a screw-up" or "I've ruined our WHOLE day." And I've always piped in with "of course you aren't" or "no you haven't." But not anymore. Now I just sit in silence and loathing. And tongue-biting, really. Inside I'm screaming SHUT UP, but I don't let it out. Know that would be bad.

We argued this evening because he said one thing, but apparently meant another and I didn't understand what was going on. He thinks it unreasonable for me to expect him to say what he means or to expect him to accept responsibility when we have a misunderstanding that results from him not saying what he means. He looks at me dumbfounded when I tell him I can't read his mind, I only know what comes out of his mouth. So if he says blue, he can't expect me to know he really wants green. And this happens so frequently.

Today he said (in tears), "I don't think we'll ever be able to communicate." Maybe that should have pulled at my heartstrings (and in the past, it probably would have), but it didn't. My inclination was to say, "Buddy, with that attitude, we probably never will." But I didn't. Just silence.

Aaaaahhh! Join the club! I could have written your post. What I try to do, and had to do today, was just stay away from my hubby. Let him pine and moan by himself. I don't have to take on his feelings. It was tough because I was in the cleaning/organizing mood and could have used his help, but I did what I could by myself. Even the little I got accomplished makes me feel good.

Don't know about your hubby, but mine is stuck at 13 yrs of age, emotionally. GAWD!!! Wish he'd grow up already!! About the best I do most days is be polite to him when he starts his sniveling and ask him a question or two about why he's "feeling bad." He can answer them or not. If he says "I don't know," I tell him "If you don't know, then who does, Hun?" Then I move to another part of the house. I don't buy into his "I want my moooommyyyyyy" game. He doesn't say it but he sure acts it! ARGH!!! The man is 66 yrs old for crying out loud!

Maybe it's time for you to move into "tough love" mode, you think?

I personally do not think you are plain mean.
Spouses, like kids, can push buttons, when it is over a length of time, it gets played out.
I may be wrong, and please no one get offended, but I think your inner reaction is valid after all these years.
Keep on keeping on


DE

You've got yourself a very dependent spouse there. My feeling is that he's bored with life and himself and he needs a hobby. I know someone like that. He's 75 and he doesn't do anything, so I think he could solve his problems by doing a hobby or even housework, do SOMETHING! So yeah, maybe it's better for you not to 'reward' him with reassurances when he talks that way, cos then he just continues. Don't feel bad about yourself though, you sound like you've had all you can handle.