Family medical leave..problem..suggestions...

Hello, all,
As you know the situation with my mother at my home being cared for by me and my sister, I feel the need to take family medical leave from work. This is "unpaid" leave, rather than using up my own sick leave (frowned upon by the school board). I've asked the Hospice social worker to contact me, but haven't heard back from her yet. I missed 4 days of work last week and am taking off three days this week. My sister has rallied and is helping, but Mom is here in my house and most of the care falls to me.
My problem is this: family medical leave is not "paid" leave, and I will need to use some of my Mom's money to supplement my income and pay bills as I stay home to care for her. My sis and my aunt say "just write yourself a check" and don't tell her. She is declining fast, but she is also still sharp as a hawk about her bills and her money. I am reluctant to do this without telling her, though it is for her care.
I'm just not sure if I should try to discuss this with her in her condition or just do as my sis and aunt suggest.
Opinions welcomed!
Patty

Hi Patty,
What a tough situation you are in! As far as your mother knowing, I would do as your sis and aunt suggest. If your mom asks, then that's soon enough to tell her, but I don't think she will.

Now in regards to the FMLA -- at my last place of employment one was required to use their sick leave, then their vacation, then unpaid --- in that order. It may be worth your while to check on that again.
Take good care,
Okie

Thanks, Okie,
When you take personal family medical leave, it is unpaid, and all other leaves, like sick leave, personal leave, are "frozen," and not used. Mom has enough money for me to use to care for her during this time, and since it's for her care, my sis and aunt think it's the best choice.
I've thought of trying to discuss it with her, but she can be irrational at this time and it might distress her also.
I just don't know, but I think the family medicl leave is the best choice.
Patty

Are your sister and aunt the only relatives that are involved in the decisions regarding your mom (i.e. no other siblings)?

If so, then I would respect there opinion, but I would also keep them apprised of any issues involving your mom's money.

As far as the FMLA, my employer has the same policy as Okie's.

Take care

my opinion is try to work as much as you possibly can until you need to be there full time then use the money. if she is declining fast hon it may not be long. trust me you will need to be there soon enough all the time. since your sister is helping out right now this is what I would do. I am here anytime you need to talk or ask questions about what is happening or going to happen. (((hugs)))

Would it be best to contact an attorney and get power of attorney over your moms monetary situation? If so, then you will be able to use her money for her care and living expenses. You will just have to keep receipts and good records of everything. In that way, you can talk to mom and tell her that you would have legal ability to pay her bills....maybe it would be a good time too for her to assign an executrix of her estate.

Hugssss
sabby

I thnk you should discuss it with her. Perhaps explain that you want to take the unpaid leave to give her your help and support and spend time with her now and ask if she could support you financially during this time. You wouldn't have to put a timeline on it but just talk about it being for now. I wonder if she might then feel good about being able to be involved in her care, as she will be helping you to help her.

Or, could your sister and aunt support you know and be repaid later?

Also, some funds like retirement, 401k's, etc have an options for loans and hardship withdrawals for life's unexpected events that you might be able to tap into.

If she still has times of lucidity, then take her to her attorney and have her specify an "attorney in fact." That is a durable power of attorney for her, and if all agree, could be you. This will give you the power/ability to spend her money on her as she needs, sign for her, open accounts/close accounts etc, even after she is no longer able to make those decisions. She might also designate a health care surrogate, which is a person who will make her health care decisions as her health and abilities fail.

(((hugs)))

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Patty,

Don't know if she has a trust drawn up or will or whatever, but that is important in time like this. My Mother had a trust already written after my Dad died, but had my husband we exctutor when I was having health problems. All of a sudden, she was going downhill quickly, just after Thanksgiving. I told her she needed to get the trust changed over so I could be the one taking care of her since my husband wasn't really a good choice. I couldn't be on her accounts because of our financial situation which really messed things up because in some of her lucid moments, I had to have her sign several checks....those were the ones the home care lady filled in & was going to cash except I was able to put a stop on them quick enough.

Since you don't have the financial issues I did, it's important for you to talk it over with your Mother. Your Mother knows the condition she is in (my Mother didn't believe she was in the condition she was in) & she would most likely be glad to set you up to be in charge of taking care of her finances. It is important to keep her knowing what is going on.....so that she still feels part of her life (rather than doing things without her knowing about it). Sure things might upset her a bit, having it become more of a reality, but it still is important for her to be a part of her decision making process. I'm sure that when you tell her you are staying home from work to care for her so she doesn't have to go into a nursing home & have other people she doesn't know, taking care of her, she will be more than glad to help out financially with your situation.

Trust me.....I know my Mother fought to continue being part of her life & never really gave up. With all the ID theft that was going on around her, I had to let her know what was going on. She didn't understand most of it, but I continued to keep her a part of it...it was difficult because the police were involved too & she wasn't really understanding what actually was happening to her. I wouldn't take the decision making process away from your Mom & they honestly won't let you take it away until she can no longer think or make decisions for herself. If she legally wants you to take over & give you complete "power of attorney', that's up to her, but mostly, they leave all that up to the person until they are no longer capable of even thinking or saying what they want anymore.

This is based on the experience I had with my Mother, her trust attorney, & her Dr's. It took 3 Dr's writting that she no longer could make capable decisions before I could take over.

Debbie