Possibility of IED? (Long)

IED, or Intermittent Explosive Disorder, is a behavioral disorder characterized by explosive outbursts of anger and violence, often to the point of rage, that are disproportionate to the situation at hand (e.g., impulsive screaming triggered by relatively inconsequential events).

I have struggled with this probably for the last 8 years or so. 8 years ago is the earliest instance I remember. This was when I was 14 years old. I don't remember what it was that set me off, but it caused me to grab a pocket knife and stab an air freshener can multiple times. I felt embarrassed even though no one witnessed it. I just discarded the can and moved on.

Over the years, I have had multiple episodes like this. Throughout my teen years, whenever something set me off (it could be anything as inconsequential as mild discomfort), I would just scream and kick the nearest piece of furniture. Of course, I wouldn't be strong enough to do any real damage to it.

When I was 20, I was spending time with my boyfriend at that time. He was waiting for me in the car, and I was talking with his mom for a few minutes. As I was saying my goodbyes, he honked the horn once. I ignored it and continued saying goodbye. He then proceeded to honk the horn repeatedly, at least 4 or 5 more times in a row. I stormed out of the house and yelled at him. That was the first and only time that I've ever yelled at a romantic partner. I didn't want to yell at him (although anyone would've been equally annoyed), but something in my brain just flipped a switch, and I lost control of myself. I felt so bad afterwards. I apologized as much as I could. I reassured that I still cared about him, and that I didn't know what had came over me because I literally didn't.

I used to smoke cigarettes. I smoked them for 4 years. I wasn't a real heavy smoker. I smoked about 7 cigarettes per day on average. I had my last cigarette on December 31, 2017, so it's been a little over 6 months. I feel healthier, I can breathe more easily, and all that good stuff.
However, I feel like with the sudden detachment from nicotine and other harmful chemical agents that are in cigarettes, the episodes have gotten worse and more frequent.

2 weeks into me quitting, I got angry about something that I can't remember now, and I punched the dashboard of my car. It caused a few of the outermost buttons to cease function. Over the next couple of months while waiting for the psychological symptoms of nicotine and other carcinogen withdrawal, I had many more episodes like this. I would always end up destroying something, and after the episode had ended, I always feel regret and sadness. I had at least 2 episodes per week. After the 2-months of me quitting smoking had ended, I was able to control myself better. The episodes grew less frequent after that.

I could explain all sorts of other instances of me destroying something due to something inconsequential happening, but here's the two of the most recent instances that I've had (they've coincidentally made me feel like **** the most):
2 weeks ago, I saw that my cat had pooped on the floor. I scolded her, and then all of a sudden, my anger flared up. I went into my room, and slammed the door. The gust of wind that was generated from me slamming the door caused a vase to fall off of my dresser and break. The bottom part of the vase shattered, but it could still stand upright. Regardless, knowing that my careless actions ruined something that was given to me as a token of my partner's love made me lose it. I screamed and cried for about 20 minutes. This vase contains a flower (now dead, but I still cherish it) that my current boyfriend had given to me when he asked me to go out with him. I wanted to keep it forever no matter what, so I placed it at the very top of my desk, hoping nothing would happen to it.
Today, I had another burst of anger from not being able to solve these homework problems that I have been assigned. I threw my calculator and a pair of scissors at my closet door, damaging it in 2 places. Then, I took a roll of duct tape and started slamming it against my desk. The force that I exerted on my desk caused the vase to fall and break... again. In the same place. Now, it can't even stand upright. I collected all the pieces, and I hope to put it together again sometime.

I don't know if any of you have seen or heard of the show "Aggretsuko", but when the symbol on her head (the Japanese word for "rage") lights up, and she goes crazy, that is the most accurate comparison that I can make when my anger flares up.

Now that you have read about my experiences, would you suspect that I have IED, or some behavioral disorder that is similar in nature to IED? I would like to hear your thoughts.

Thank you for your time,

Hg

Well, you know. Online forums aren't real good places for diagnoses. Could be IED, could be Borderline... who knows?

Your having quit smoking recently is kind of a red flag. Your body is still adjusting, even at six months.

I understand this is not a diagnostic site. I was just wanting people's opinions. I do appreciate your input. Thank you.

Im sorry but as far as I know members can not tell you what we think is going on within ...... you...... based on what you posted... heres why...

we dont know your whole family history
we dont know what your whole life time of medications both medical and mental
we dont know each and every time you were seen by a medical or mental health provider
we dont know what your religion, race, cultural background is.....

see what I mean there is so much that goes into trying to figure out what is what in each person. it would be so easy for me to say sure I think you fit this or nah i dont think you fit this and in the end what I am telling you may in fact be endangering your life.....

all we can do is tell you whether we have the same problems and what our own doctors call it in ourselves.

in me uncontrollable explosive rage was called many things (bipolar, depression, PTSD, psychosis, DID, dissociative disorder, MS, pregnancy, hormones, post pregnancy, medication problems.... the list goes on .....depending upon what caused each episode of anger.

my suggestion is if you want to know what this is with in ............you........, you will need to contact your own medical doctor who can tell you what this is with in you depending upon what is causing each of your episodes of explosive rages.

I can definitely relate to what you've described. I've had a problem with rage since I was a child. It's very rare that anyone actually witnesses it when I go into a rage. And I will say that I have never, under any circumstances, lost it with a child or animal. I have, however, broken many items in my life, oftentimes an item that I really regret breaking after it happened. Once I became so angry that I set something on fire (a lampshade - scared the hell out of me).
I cannot even begin to diagnose you, but I can tell you that I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder (the rages almost always come along with mania...but certainly not every time). I have definitely asked if I have BPD and have been told that I do not. I did grow up in a home in which there was a tremendous amount of anger, rage, fury, and violence. More than anything I think that made an imprint on me...when I feel angry I can actually envision damage done in my childhood home and that often happens just before I break something.

I became very serious about stopping my raging when I was arrested for domestic violence and spent the worst, most terrifying night of my life in jail. I just plain stopped allowing myself to have rage outbursts by counting to 10, by walking away, by recognizing when my level of anger was quickly escalating and forcing myself to stop and breath - sitting in a chair with my feet flat on the floor while I breathe deeply and evenly definitely helps interrupt the rage flare-up. So does drinking water, which distracts me log enough to intervene with the rage. But I was already in the mental healthcare system so it was easier to get control of myself...I was on the meds; I was learning the tools.
Mood stabilizers are extremely effective in keeping anger from escalating into rage.

One thing I want to mention. Please, please don't scold your cat or become angry with it for any reason. Cats poop on the floor for very clear reasons. They are, by nature, extremely clean animals. If a cat poops on the floor it is ill, it's box isn't clean, or it is very stressed. No cat makes the connection between being scolded and the poop on the floor. In addition, their hearing is very, very sensitive...being scolded only causes a cat to feel extremely upset and stressed.

My suggestion to you is that you get professional help NOW. I mean it. Take it from one who has done some serious damage to her life because of rage outbursts: One of these days, you will end up in deep trouble and you won't be able to go back. I'm really glad you've opened up about your serious problem. Now it's time to take action and make sure your raging outbursts do not continue.
Best to you.

^^^ Me, too. Every diagnosis and condition imaginable.