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Old 02-27-2019, 01:01 PM #1
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Trig Finally opening up for once, needed somewhere to tell someone

Alright. So! Where to start...

Oh! I know! Letís start with the tactile hallucinations. (I looked up what theyíre called and this is what came up- hope itís right!) So. Sometimes I feel needles sticking into me. Not like pins and needles, I mean actual needles. Sticking into my arms, neck, back, ankles, you name it, and injecting something into me. Terrifying. I hate needles. Another one! Hands! Sometimes I also feel hands all over me. Moving around, touching me. Itís not always *ahem* appropriateÖ ahahaÖ Also terrifying. Whoop-dee-doo. Anyways! Next one! Another thing is that I sometimes feel bugs all over me. Crawling. Sometimes they crawl into my ears, nose, and mouth. I hate it. I hate all of this. A few more things that are hard to really put a name to are: things sliding down my throat, something choking me, hair pulling, and I sometimes feel like Iím being stabbed, though that might be something else. Sometimes these are triggered by an image or something someone has said, but most of the time they just happen out of nowhere. Wow. Cannot believe I just wrote a full paragraph just about this. Letís move on to the next subject before it happens again. Writing about it is another newly found trigger.

So hi. Iím a fourteen year old female. Call me J for right now. Donít really want to disclose my name on a public site, but I thought it was important for you to know my age and gender. Anywho. Iím a really disorganized writer, Iím just realizing. So. Iíll talk about my life now, I guess. As of now, I live with my biological grandparents that are also my adoptive parents. I have lived with them since I was four. Years three and below, however, are a different story. That was when I lived with A and N. A is my biological mother and N was almost my step dad. When I lived with them, I suffered through physical abuse. You know how youíre not supposed to form memories until around three years old? Well I guess I broke that rule, because I remember almost everything. The only thing I donít remember is when I was in foster care, Which I was until I was 18 months old, because my biological father had hit me. I donít remember him, either. Anyways. One of my earlier memories is being dragged down the street by my hair by N. That might give you a good idea of it all. Fun, right? Alright. On to current life. My mom and dad (grandma and grandpa) are verbally abusive. I think. Honestly, at this point I donít know. Maybe this is normal. Mom calls me things such as *****, floozy, *****, ****, lazy, stubborn, witch, bully, liar, and jerk. My dad calls me things such as asshole and donkey. They constantly compare me to people and insult my friends. (Not in front of them, of course. Theyíre too polite for that.) Nothing I do can make them proud of me, either. I think they regret ever taking me in, because my mom constantly tells me of the life she could have had if sheíd never have adopted my brother and me. Oh, by the way, my brother doesnít get any of this. He just gets in trouble for staying up all night and things like that. Even then, sometimes he doesnít. Heís very clearly the favorite child. Next!

I started having suicidal thoughts around fourth or fifth grade, and I think I started falling into a depression at around second grade. Who knows. I havenít been diagnosed with anything besides ADD yet. Iíll talk more about why later. I have self harmed in the past. Nothing <too> bad, but itís happened.
Possible trigger:
Iím dreading summer. Iím almost a month clean, though! For some reason, this always happens at the beginning of the year. Iím going to try to make it past February next year . Oh! And the heart was the year before last and last year. Sorry. Iím a bit of an oversharer. Which you might find strange when I talk about the thing I said Iíd talk about later. Speaking of which..


Therapy is not an option. Iíve tried to talk to my mom about it and she writes it off as me being stubborn and lazy, as well as using my ADD as a crutch. Uhm, excuse me? I guess she says this because my last therapist said I was fine, because I.. well, I lied to her. I didnít want to be any more of a burden than I already was. I know that was a bad idea. I know I should have talked about everything. But I didnít. Iím an idiot. So.. Any advice?

(Thereís so much more I could talk about, like my unpredictable mood swings that are stronger than a hurricane, or my unstoppable need to feel needed. Or how Iíve started dissociating from reality. But Iím starting to get paranoid that my parents are gonna find out i wrote this.)


Last edited by bluekoi; 02-27-2019 at 10:31 PM. Reason: Add triggger icon. Apply trigger code.
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Old 02-27-2019, 08:15 PM #2
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Smile Re: Finally opening up for once, needed somewhere to tell someone

Hello ValentineHeart: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central. And thank you for sharing your concerns here on PC.

I'm sorry you are experiencing so much difficulty already in your young life. Sadly... from what you wrote, it sounds as though your grandparents are abusive. Unfortunately I don't think there is much of anything I can offer in the way of advice other than to perhaps continue participating here on PC. There's a lot of support that can be available here. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become.

Here's a link to an article, from Psych Central's archives, that offers suggestions for coping with your emotions as a teen:

Techniques for Teens: How to Cope with Your Emotions

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

P.S. You wrote that therapy is not an option for you. Have you ever tried journaling? Here are links to 6 articles on that subject:

The Importance of Journaling | Strength Over Adversity

Tips To Start Journaling

4 Journaling Exercises to Help You Manage Your Emotions

5 Ways to Use Art Journaling to Navigate Anxiety

https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-more...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/using-...o-reclaim-joy/
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Old 02-28-2019, 05:29 AM #3
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I'm so sorry you're struggling so much, ValentineHeart001 Please don't give up. I'm sso sorry you have to deal with such abusive, horrible people. Is there anyone else you can reach out to? Any friends? Do you go to school? Perhaps you could ask for help to some of your teachers. I'd suggest to get away from them as soon as you can if you can. Otherwise, I'd suggest to try out therapy again if you can. Ask for help to any of the people you can. Anyone that may be able to help you. If it's necessary, call the police. They have no right to abuse you and beat you up. It's illegal. I hope you'll be able to find the help you need and deserve. You don't deserve to suffer like this. You're so young and you seem so kind and sweet. You're a wonderful person. You're NOT a failure. Please remember that. It's not your fault if you're getting treated this way. Don't give up hope. Remember that things won't stay like this forever. They can and will get better. Please don't give up. Stay strong, ValentineHeart001. Stay safe and take care of yourself. You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! I'm sure you'll get through this. Just don't give up. Just try to do your best. Try to ask for help as much as you can. Be honest about your situation. That's all you can do after all. I'm so sorry, I wish I've had more advice to give to you. I'm here to listen to you if you need to talk about it. We all care about you. We all love you here. Feel free to vent here as much as you need or want. We won't abandon you. We won't judge you. I promise that. You're a wonderful person. You deserve to be loved. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Please don't give up. I hope things wil get better soon for you. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this
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Old 02-28-2019, 09:37 AM #4
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Default Re: Finally opening up for once, needed somewhere to tell someone

Oh my goodness, you have no idea how much I needed to hear that. I'm literally about to be in tears. Thank you so much!! And don't worry about me too much- at this point, I'd be surprised if I found something I couldn't put up with. Again, thank you for such kind words and such a warm welcome to this community. I really cannot thank you enough! <3
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Old 02-28-2019, 09:42 AM #5
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Default Re: Finally opening up for once, needed somewhere to tell someone

Thank you for the warm welcome! This already seems like such an amazing community. I will definitely try out journaling, so thank you for the advice! I hope you're having an amazing day! <3
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Old 02-28-2019, 11:05 AM #6
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I'm glad we were able to help you a bit, ValentineHeart001! There are many wonderful people here on PC. I'm sure you'll like this forum a lot. Sending many hugs to you
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Old 02-28-2019, 11:13 AM #7
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Default Re: Finally opening up for once, needed somewhere to tell someone

I feel for you, I tried suicide as a teenager, I know so young. looking back, I see somehow I got through. one of the reasons which you might not like to hear is I put myself on the psych ward. I got meds and also switched to different hospitals too and we finally found some meds that work, all of this took over 20 years. I am 58 now and am happy but still get depressed at times but I feel like ive accomplished something by staying alive. I have a good husband and son who are extremely understanding of me and my schitzophrenia and bipolar. good luck!!!!
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Old 02-28-2019, 11:36 AM #8
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The sounds like such a rollercoaster! I'm so happy for you that you got through it all, avlady!
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Old 02-28-2019, 12:58 PM #9
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Hi ValentineHeart001


Welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of that. You don't deserve any of it. You seem like a wonderful, smart girl.

Is there an agency (since you're only 14) that can help you ? DCFS? You sound very strong but you still can't take much more of this abuse.

If you ever want to talk to me, please PM me. I really admire your strength.
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Old 02-28-2019, 09:25 PM #10
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Dear J,

First things first welcome to PC. I don't often talk in the forums due to being busy or tired, but there are lots of amazing people to support you whenever you are here and you don't need to worry about being alone. This community is extremely supportive and helpful.

I am very sorry you are starting out your life with such terrible people for parents. I know it can be very difficult to get help when you are not a legal adult. You are a brave young woman and looking for help on this site is a great idea. Journaling is also an excellent idea. (I think some of the others that said hi/welcome to you, already mentioned that.) Still, journaling, therapy, school, counseling, and other healthy mechanisms can help you sort through and understand your brain and mental health a lot better.

As for the abuse, you should never blame yourself for the things that people do to you. (I am not talking about regular consequences/punishments for things like stealing or theft here.) What I mean by this is that bad grades, poor eating, poor sleep, self-harm, depression symptoms, and talking about your own emotions or experiences are not bad things and you shouldn't be beaten, spoken down to, insulted, or blamed for them. You mentioned that your guardians (grandparents) often say that you are using ADD as "a crutch" or are "just acting out for attention"; I wouldn't argue with them since they don't seem the type to listen or care. However, please know that, when anyone (including you) is injured, abused, or in pain, we often seek to draw attention to the situation as a way to call for help. While self-harm and negative self-talk are both unhealthy, they don't make you a bad person and, from what you've described, you have every reason to be asking for help. Please don't beat yourself up or insult yourself; you matter and you aren't a failure or a disappointment. You can never please everyone and it is best to ignore the opinions of the people that abuse you. (Speaking from experience here, most of my abusers have never been anything but disappointed in me or angry at me and nothing I can do ever changes that, so why should I exhaust my energy?) Trust me when I say you aren't safe in an environment that is actively encouraging you to beat on yourself, loathe yourself, and hate yourself.

I know I am probably stressing things that you already know, so I will move on to a few options. You seem like a very smart girl who has learned to frame her situation with humor to help cushion some of the pain and desperation; I just want you to know that you don't have to stay in such an abusive place. There are lots of places that offer support for children in abusive situations in the United States and you can talk to teachers (if you are in a public school, at least) and report about what is going on. If you need advice on who to talk to or how to get out of your situation, please PM me and I can work on finding specifics for you or helping to at least point you in the right directions. Whether it be Child Protective Services or some form of intervention service, I want you to be safe and okay. I don't want to make you uncomfortable or pressure you, but there are people out there that can and want to help kids and teens live abuse-free lives. While it may seem like you can handle anything, being abused leaves scars far past what happens in that moment and, if you can get out, you should. All children/teens deserve to live in safe homes without the threat of no food, no water, no sleep, improper medical care, or constant threats and verbal/mental abuse. (I'd make the case that all adults deserve that too, but I'll stick to the point here.)

Even if, for one reason or another, you can't get out right away, please don't beat yourself up. If you are afraid to talk or report what is going on or if you have limited options, that isn't your fault. You are still brave and smart and good. Focus on your schooling and remember that, once you turn eighteen, they won't have much control, if any, over you. You will, whether by reporting or simply growing up, eventually be out of the situation. Please remember that, no matter how people might see you, you matter and you deserve a chance to live. You are still just a teenager right now and self-harm or suicidal thoughts are not crimes; they are often unhealthy or desperate reactions to a deeper issue or problem in someone's life or current mental health. (You can't blame someone who contracts the flu for being "attention seeking" and you shouldn't blame someone who's having issues with their brain or emotions for "being attention seeking"; these are both illnesses and the only difference is that one of the illnesses I mentioned is more publicly understood and less stigmatized.) Try not to focus on suicidal thoughts or depression and remember that you still matter and that things can and will change. I know it will be hard, but there is a whole world after you grow up and you still deserve to experience that.

If you ever need someone to talk to, you can PM me. I hope things get better and here is a hug, in case you want/need one. I know this was a long post and a lot of hard information, but I do hope it helps and you get the support you need, whether it be from me or this community or someone else or from a variety of sources. No judgement here.

~ CatLover007.
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