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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
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#1
I’m posting this here since I think it probably applies.. or doesn’t.. to those with several (or many?) different diagnoses (I personally have been given several diagnoses including CPTSD, severe depression and anxiety. I don’t define myself by my diagnoses, I’m a human (bear) which is the only description I need really (other than possibly for insurance purposes)
My question is and I’m sure you’ve heard this many times “fake it until you make it” Does this help you? Yes No or Sometimes Hugs and respect to all here __________________ |
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Genevieve109, MickeyCheeky, Rohag, Skeezyks
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Genevieve109, MickeyCheeky
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#2
Hello Fuzzybear! Not sure that I myself have ever used that phrase. But do suppose it could be helpful depending on what type of problem/issue/struggle may be going on. If that phrase is helpful to you, then I say go for it! Nothing wrong with guiding our lives on POV (points of view) or compulsive guidance if it is not harmful
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Fuzzybear, MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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Magnate
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#3
Yes, Fuzzy, I do use that phrase, and have used it to good effect ever since my old therapist recommended it to me.
You see, I'm not a people person, and throughout my life have had terrible problems getting along with people. So one day during a session, I asked her, "Ruth, if you could give me one piece of advice that would help me relate to other people, what would it be?" So guess what she said? "Fake it till you make it." And she, being a minister's daughter, had beaucoup experience dealing with people of all makes and models, in all types of situations. And she, unlike me, loves people. Hope that helps. It helped me. |
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Fuzzybear, MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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#4
No. All that faking it ever did was to cause me to embarrass myself trying...
__________________ "I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last) |
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Fuzzybear, MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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#5
Good question, Fuzzy.
A huge “no” in my personal life experience. A life lead where I cannot be myself, damages me. I accept others as they are and I respect authenticity and like that we are not all the same. I will push myself out of my comfort zone, temporarily, to enhance my life and help loved ones. |
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MickeyCheeky
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Fuzzybear, MickeyCheeky
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#6
I'm voting no. I have too many negative connotations with the word 'fake' for that phrase to work for me, personally. I often feel like I am 'faking it' and I don't like the feeling.
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Fuzzybear, MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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#7
I don't use this phrase
the phrase I use is, " it is what it is" this is what you have, these are the diagnoses, you just got to make the best of what life gave to you |
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Fuzzybear, MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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#8
The context I've heard this most in, is with respect to AA and spirituality. They kept telling me to try praying until I came to believe in it, and as an avowed atheist this was a major turnoff.
I do find it somewhat helpful to think of is when it comes to my social phobia and going to events. I go and force myself to socialize while pretending to feel confident when i really just want to curl up into a little ball and disappear, and to an extent it works - with time, the social situation becomes a little more comfortable. So for me, it all depends on the context it's used in. splitimage |
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MickeyCheeky
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Fuzzybear, MickeyCheeky
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#9
Nope!
My recovery began in the early 1990s. Over the years, many therapists I went to would encourage me or flat out tell me to do something I was not comfortable doing because it made me too anxious, sometimes not understanding why. Now I know a lot of that is because of my Complex PTSD diagnosed in 2017. Over time, I realized as my self-esteem healed and came back to life that my foundation of self-loathing, self-hatred and self-destruction my family waterlogged me in had to heal before I could do anything I avoided. There are still lots of things I will avoid, but I am slowly making my way through how to manage those. As my self-esteem healed by facing and validating my wounded emotions, I saw the difference in my feelings when I avoided something before because I had unresolved pain connected to that emotion. I had to resolve that before I could consider doing anything I avoided in the past. And that is the coolest thing to experience because I see firsthand how much better I am doing. That brings me much joy and contentment! __________________ "Love you. Take care of you. Be true to you. You are the only you, you will ever know the best. Reach for YOUR stars. You can reach them better than anyone else ever can." Landon Clary Eason Grateful Sobriety Fangirl Since 11-16-2007 Happy Sober Crafter Last edited by happysobercrafter; Mar 28, 2019 at 10:20 AM.. |
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Genevieve109, MickeyCheeky, Mopey
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Fuzzybear, Genevieve109, MickeyCheeky
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#10
Nope.....I am a "what you see is what you get" kinda person.
When I was in a bad mental health condition I was & that was all there was to it. When I escaped my bad situation I was not in good shape. Had just gone through a trauma, was dealing with anorexia (I had been medically hospitalized for) & the depression & anxiety I had been originally diagnosed with. Determination made me move 2100 miles away alone. I was such a mess my now EX-H i found out was sure I couldn't make it alone & would come back to him within a few years. Well I didn't. The thing was that I was struggling when I left....but the change in my life made a huge difference. I didn't fake anything.....but I worked hard to heal from all those previous 54 years of life. I would talk about some things with friends about some of the things. But in the environment I have moved to faking was not necessary. The new environment was all part of my healing process & so were the wonderful supportive people & my little farm & my special time with one of my dog's Leo who was along with the awesome T I found....were my best T's I ever had. I did not focus at all on how bad things had been. I focused on what I had to do to make the new life I wanted for myself. There was really no time or place for faking it in the new life I was making for myself....it was & still is all about learning & doing. __________________ Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
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Fuzzybear, MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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#11
This question of yours has sparked quite a discussion, Fuzzy.
Reading through the carefully thought-out responses - and being clearly in the minority! - I'm feeling the need to clarify my original post. No way am I advocating that anyone live a lie or go around being phony. Personally I've spent a lifetime trying to work my way into authenticity, to find a way to be OK with it. No, what I was talking about originally was achieving more social ease in situations where you pretty much have to be social. I hate to be uncomfortable with people, and I prefer that people not be uncomfortable with me. So what I try to achieve is being real without being hurtful. If being "real" means being rude or mean to people, then I don't want to do it. I guess what I'm advocating is known as good manners, and that attitude has worked for me. That it may not work for other people is their business, absolutely. |
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Fuzzybear, MickeyCheeky
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eskielover, MickeyCheeky
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#12
Thank you so much for making this thread, Fuzzybear! I feel like this is something that it's worth discussing! I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. I don't really like faking it and I'm not very good at it either, so I usually don't even try it at all. I totally understand what people mean with that phrase, though! I do believe it's important in social situations. I just can't make it. I don't really like it a lot but it seems like it's necessary. Thank you so much for asking this question and for sparking all of this discussion! Sending many hugs to you, Fuzzybear, and to everyone else, including all of you here on PC
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Fuzzybear, Genevieve109, Mopey
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Fuzzybear, Genevieve109
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Wisest Elder Ever
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#13
Quote:
I think I know what you mean. I don’t like faking it and I’m not very good at it either. If I try to fake it in social situations I often don’t make it.. my anxiety often is judged. Many hugs to all who have replied and to everyone on pc __________________ |
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eskielover, Genevieve109, MickeyCheeky
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eskielover, Genevieve109, MickeyCheeky
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Wisest Elder Ever
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#14
Thanks to everyone who has replied for the thoughtful posts
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eskielover, Genevieve109, MickeyCheeky
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Genevieve109, MickeyCheeky
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#15
Looking a little deeper at what I was doing based on what I learned in DBT.....was mindfulness & a lot if self-analysis.
I remember all my life I never knew what really connecting with anyone felt like. Leo (my dog I just lost a few months ago) actually taught me what love & connecting felt like. From there I realized I was feeling that same safe, caring feeling with my friends (the more I got to know them) I was afraid it would only be a fleeting feeling but it grew. I was able to correlate the 2 feelings & realized that was what TRULY connecting with others who were capable of emotionally connecting felt like. It was also a feeling of truly being accepted. I realized that the feeling required the 2 way connection for it to grow. I spent so much of my time analzing what I was NOW experiencing & enjoying the growth experience. Yes, I kept at it while growing. I didn't really fake it because I was able to share some if what I was actually experiencing. I guess maybe my interpretation of "faking it" was too narrow. It just that is not like a switch where you fake it then you are ok.....it is a total growth process that we just keep making our way through. Then one day I looked back & realized what had happened. I wasn't sure even at the time what was actually going on. __________________ Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
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Fuzzybear, MickeyCheeky, Mopey
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MickeyCheeky, Mopey
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#16
I don't do good manners much, but I do generosity. If I can give something, even at a stretch, then I will give it without strings. It helps my world go round. I do being hospitable and co-operative also, but good manners freak me out. Each to their own comfort and discomfort zones.
It would be nice if - as Eskielover writes - socialising could be more about genuine warmth and connection. I get frustrated at the lack of connectedness around me. I do have arguments with myself about biting my tongue in certain situation where someone is holding forth and taking up all the space without saying anything. That's when I would like to be a little more skilled at expressing disagreement without starting an all-out conflict. Expressing disagreement subtly by degrees, at the same time as staying grounded in my own self. I tend to just go quiet and leave, and I do agree with Mopey that there are social situations that demand a little skill. I get irritated when people are all talk and no listen, and that's too reactive to be constructive. At work I think faking is ok. For example, going round saying a cheery "good morning" even if you're fussed that your best friend got drunk and dumped you last night. Being at work was more about working with strangers to get something done, than about deep connection. __________________ *"Fierce <-> Reality"* oh god I am struggling today, help me to remember how to stay connected and human! remember: the nut shell against human predators and my own fear! |
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eskielover, Fuzzybear
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eskielover
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#17
No, I find that it actually makes me feel worse. To me, that's like putting a bandage on an open wound that you haven't washed. It will still fester underneath the bandage.
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Fuzzybear
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#18
I just lost my whole post!
"Fake it till you make it" isn't helpful. It takes a toll on you to pretend everything is all right. __________________ Once you are real, you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.... |
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Fuzzybear
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#19
In my personal experience, faking it just seems to have created more mental problems for me. I know that “Fake it til you make it.” Works for some other people. For me though it is best to openly acknowledge that I have a lot of problems and naming those problems makes me feel at least a little better. I don’t usually like labeling myself, but in my personal case I prefer openly wearing whatever diagnosis labels I may have.
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