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Old 04-06-2019, 08:29 PM #1
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Question How do you know you're over something?

I've always had a hard time knowing whether I've gotten over a traumatic event, or if I've just repressed the memories/emotions related to it. My parents got divorced back in 2009, and I thought I've been over it for years, but I recently noticed that I start to cry when I think about it. Is this a normal thing? Is it possible to cry about something you've already come to terms with?

I guess the main question I have is how do you know when you've gotten over something? Is there a sign you recognise, or do you just feel it? Is it something you can just never know for sure?
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Old 04-06-2019, 09:14 PM #2
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Default Re: How do you know you're over something?

Some things I don't think we ever really just "get over" it. We process it but that doesn't make memories go away it just means that we have processed them & come to terms wuth the actual event. That doesn't mean that when sad memories pop back into our mind that they won't make us sad & bring tears to our eyes.

I lost my soulmate doggie just before Christmas to cancer. He had such an amazing special place in my heart. I have processed his death but memories of him will ALWAYS be in my mind after 16 years together & never apart. Those memories will always bring tears to my eyes because he meant so much to me & was so special.....& it is ok.....just means you are human & really have feelings.....& that is a very GOOD thing....as long as it is not continually controlling your thoughts & emotions on a 24/7 basis.....that would mean you really had not processed it.
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Old 04-07-2019, 01:57 AM #3
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Default Re: How do you know you're over something?

When it comes to traumatic events I think some of it has to do with a grieving process. (not necessarily death). In the case of your parents, maybe you didnt have enough time or even know how to "grieve" the divorce (and other crap that goes along with it) so that its popping up for you now. I say, allow yourself to grieve the loss...
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Old 04-07-2019, 10:19 AM #4
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Default Re: How do you know you're over something?

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, mattdad! I completely agree with what all the other wonderful people on this thread have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given lots of great, wonderful advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it as much as you can if you want to! I belive there isn't a "specific" way to know whether you've got over the loss of someone or a traumatic event in your life anything else that may have hurt you. It's just one of those things you "know". Unfortunately there's not way to know for sure how it will happen and when it will happen. Everyone has its own way of grieving his/her own losses after all! I also completely agree with what eskielover and sarahsweets have already wisely said about your feelings! Even though you CAN get over some things, that doesn't mean that you'll necessarely be able to completely erase your memories of course! I believe it's perfectly ok to look back at our memorie and past events and cry a little bit. That's perfectly NORMAL and, in my opion, it's even HEALTHY as long as it doesn't interfere with your own life! Memories are our most precious treasure together with life itself of course. It's important to treasure them! Even if you feel like you still haven't gotten over your loss and the divorse of your parents, that's perfectly ok! Just give it time and try to be a little bit more patient! Perhaps it will just take time! Things like this can happen and they are NOT UNUSUAL AT ALL! I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this! Just remember to take all the time you need! Just remember to take it one step at the time! Just remember to take baby steps! Just remember that there's no need to hurry! Keep fighting! I'm so sorry you're going through all of this! Please don't give up hope! Try to hang on as much as you can! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, mattdad!
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Old 04-07-2019, 04:04 PM #5
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Default Re: How do you know you're over something?

Some things I don’t think we ever really “just get over it”

I think this is a safe place to talk about your concerns without being judged. As someone else said, it’s more about processing the loss... something I’ve struggled with as there aren’t many who listen without jumping in to judge (in real life)..

I think your feelings are “normal” (not that I know what “normal” means) and that you’re taking a healthy step by posting here. There is no time scale, no enforced limits for grieving a loss, and divorced parents is definitely a loss.
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Old 04-14-2019, 08:26 AM #6
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Default Re: How do you know you're over something?

There was an aspect of my former life and lifestyle that I was forced to give up that I pined away over for years. I was so grief stricken by this loss that when I saw reminders my pain was so great that I twice ended up in the hospital for the depression that was triggered.

I still miss this adventurous lifestyle a great deal. Seeing reminders of it still cause me pause for a tear. But, I have moved on. And that, I suppose, is when you know you're over something. When you have the ability to recreate your life you are over the old. When you have the ability to rebuild, to enjoy new things, to have joy, you have moved on. This is not to say you won't still be sad by thoughts of that which caused so much grief. It is rather about an ability to say that was then this is now - and the potential at least for enjoying what is part of the now.
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Old 04-14-2019, 11:02 AM #7
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Default Re: How do you know you're over something?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mattdadd View Post
I've always had a hard time knowing whether I've gotten over a traumatic event, or if I've just repressed the memories/emotions related to it. My parents got divorced back in 2009, and I thought I've been over it for years, but I recently noticed that I start to cry when I think about it. Is this a normal thing? Is it possible to cry about something you've already come to terms with?

I guess the main question I have is how do you know when you've gotten over something? Is there a sign you recognise, or do you just feel it? Is it something you can just never know for sure?
it is normal when thinking about sad things to feel sad and have reactions like crying...

let me show you something recently I went to a workshop, it was for treatment providers, survivors and any one. it was on depression and how the brain works. we were all asked to watch a video of three different things. one was someone having a great time. one was getting news that they were going to be a grand parent and another was of someone dealing with death / the grief process.

after each one we were asked to say what we were feeling emotionally.

on the great time / party video everyone said they felt happy, full of energy and would have liked to join that party.

on the pregnancy reveal we all stated we felt good and happy that the parents took the news great and enjoyed the reveal process and that it made us feel great / happy

on the death / grief video we all said it brought us down, made us feel sad and get teary eyed.

then we were asked to think about something happy and that brought up our moods again then we were asked to think about something sad in our lives and that brought us back down again.

the instructor explained that this was normal, its how the brain works. that it takes in everything that we are experiencing through our senses and emotions and causes physical reactions to those things. so next time we found ourselves crying from a tv show or thinking about something remind ourselves that we are normal and this is the normal brain response to what we are experiencing.

we also learned that we can stay stuck in this depression mode or we can make changes to our thoughts to bring us out of it.

suggestion if it bothers you that when you think about your parents divorce makes you cry, maybe remembering the good time and facts of why they got divorced will bring you back up.
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Old 04-14-2019, 12:46 PM #8
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Default Re: How do you know you're over something?

When you stop asking yourself whether or not you are over it. It simply stops being important because you don’t think about it much anymore.
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