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Old 04-08-2019, 12:38 AM #1
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Trig Everything In My Life Is Utter Hell

I just got back from the doctor. I knew I had severe neuropathic pain, but apparently I also have cancer. According to the latest tests, I have lung cancer. Stage 3a. My "family" doesn't care. Telling them resulted in a long, one sided "argument", and they started telling me how I brought this on myself by "getting fat" and that "they aren't going to spend more money on me if that's what I'm fishing around for".

Then, things escalated, and they said, "What the hell did you think was going to happen living like you do." They then started telling me, "You made fools out of us (referring to me being bisexual)." And later in the conversation they told me, "Just leave us alone, we don't have time for your drama".

Two months ago, I attempted suicide. I was in the psych unit for a week. So, in addition to the cancer, I also have a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. But all my hallucinations go back to a traumatic event I experienced when I was younger.

Someone (I think possibly my cousin with my parents watching but it may have been at friend's house and some of his brothers and his parents, I can't tell, it's all very fuzzy),
Possible trigger:


I keep having flashbacks of this, and I periodically hallucinate things related to the event. I'm beginning to remember this more clearly now. I really don't think I'm psychotic, I think I have simply been so traumatized by this as well as the fact that a
Possible trigger:
I'm now 26, but I still have flashbacks of what happened with this as well.

Coincidentally, my doctor just put me on the same medication I got drugged with (in much lower doses of course) twice daily for my neuropathic pain. And because of state dependent memory and all, it is bringing back all these horrid memories. I'm going to give my doctor a call tomorrow to see what he recommends, because the flashbacks are keeping me from being able to sleep.

No one believed me when I spoke up that this guy had drugged me and was taking advantage of me repeatedly. I tried reporting him, and the cops in my hometown all lauged right in my face. Told me that I better stop making up lies about this guy. That if I don't stop "spreading lies", he would have me arrested for slander. I'm not from the US. I'm from a country in eastern Europe (that I won't name out of fears of this post being identified), which is where this all happened, and the guy who did this was filthy rich. And over there, people with money can get away with anything, because the system is so corrupt. And I don't think my parents ever really cared.

I just don't know what to do. I'm probably just going to die of cancer, which is honestly what I'm hoping is going to happen. Because I don't know how I can go on. Everywhere I turn, there is some kind of ******** waiting for me. And I have no support system whatsoever. I'm completely alone in this world, probably dying, and my ptsd has gotten the better of me. To be honest, part of me hopes the cancer wins this battle. Yet part of me strives to push on, just because maybe there is one day going to be something worthwhile for me in this life. But I haven't seen it yet. But just in case, I want to push through, just in case.

Last edited by bluekoi; 04-22-2019 at 07:38 PM. Reason: Add triggger icon. Apply trigger code.
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Old 04-08-2019, 09:29 AM #2
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Oh my God. You are in so much pain. I'm so sorry.


And seriously, WTF is going on with your family's reactions. You're in neuropathic pain, scared and alone. I can't believe the strength and resilience you are showing by trying to keep fighting and maintaining hope there is something better.


If you have Netflix, check out the documentary "The Magic Pill". There is actually science behind it. Cancer cells need carbs to grow. You can help starve them out by adopting a high protein diet. Your healthy cells can convert protein to energy, but cancer cells can't. If I got a cancer diagnosis tomorrow, I'd be trying it just so I had a way to pick up the fight.


Who can you turn to besides your family? Is there anyone, even in small doses that you can talk to and get some support?


Here's kind of my way of looking at things.... There are things in our lives that are toxic. Slowly over time, they poison us, weaken us. We all know plastics do this to us for example, and nitrites in our food. Relationships do as well... Keep that in mind. You are at a point where you may have to reduce the toxicity in your life by reducing the contact you have with certain people. Maybe you aren't resilient enough deal with toxic people now.
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Old 04-08-2019, 10:24 AM #3
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I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, Monkey1111! I'm so sorry you've been treated this HORRIBLY by your family and parents! You do't deserve to go through all of this at all! Nobody does, and certainly not you! I completely agree with what RDMercer has already wisely said better than I ever could! I'd suggest to listen to him/her if you can and want! He always gives such great advice to everyone! I completely agree with him/her about talking to someone else about all of this and see how it goes from there! Are there any friends or family members that may help you and that you may be able to reach out to? Anyone that may be able to help you? I also completely agree with you about changing meds if the one you're taking is causing you flashbacks! I'm sure your Pdoc will listen to what you have to say and understand you and that he will switch it right away! Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help! You could learn new ways to cope with your feelings and hopefully he/she will be able to help you with everything that you've been going through and that you're going through right now! You DESERVE TO GET HELP! You're A STRONG, WONDERFUL PERSON! Please don't give up! Try to hang on as much as you can! You don't deserve to suffer at all! Nobody deserves to suffer at all, certainly NOT YOU! Of course I'd also suggest to talk to your doctor about this as oon as you can and see how it goes from there! I'm sos orry you've been diagnosed with cancer as well! It must be SO HARD for you and I truly admire your strenght and will! Please try to hang on to that as much as you can! Trust me when I say that not too many people have your same strength and will and that YOU CAN DO THIS! You've got this and you can make it! Try to get a treatment plan for your cancer as soon as you can and apply it rigorously! I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this if you start treating it RIGHT AWAY! Things CAN and WILL get better if you just try to do your best! That's all we can do after all and it's MORE THAN ENOUGH! Cancer CAN be treated and sometimes even cured, so DEFINITELY DON'T GIVE UP HOPE! You can still live a wonderful life and have a bright future ahead of you! Don't let all of this discourage you from trying your best, although I understand it's NOT easy, but YOU CAN DO THIS! I believe in you! We all believe in you! We're all rooting for you! We're all cheering you on! Please stay safe, stay strong and take GREAT care of yourself like the strong, wonderful person that you truly are, because YOU ARE AND YOU KNOW IT! WE ALL KNOW THAT! I'm sure you know that as well even if it's deep down! Just take GREAT care of yourself and just try to do your best! That's all we can do after all and it's ALWAYS more than enough! Keep fighting! That's the only thing I'm asking you! Just do it for yourself and don't let the other awful people in your life win! Just show them that you're much stronger than them and that you CAN live a good life even without tehm! Keep fighting and keep trying! We all care about you here! We ALL love you here! Feel free to vent and write here as much as you need and want! You know we won't judge you! I promise you that! Remember that we're here for you if you need it! Feel free to PM me anytime! Let me know if I can do something to help you! Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes! I'm sos orry you have to deal with all of this, Monkey1111! Please remember that you're MUCH, MUCH stronger than you think you are! I'm so sorry you're going through all of this! You don't deserve to suffer AT ALL! Nobody deserves to suffer AT ALL, certainly NOT YOU! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT!
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Old 04-08-2019, 12:51 PM #4
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Old 04-12-2019, 04:18 PM #5
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Default Re: Everything In My Life Is Utter Hell

Quote:
Originally Posted by RDMercer View Post
Oh my God. You are in so much pain. I'm so sorry.


And seriously, WTF is going on with your family's reactions. You're in neuropathic pain, scared and alone. I can't believe the strength and resilience you are showing by trying to keep fighting and maintaining hope there is something better.


If you have Netflix, check out the documentary "The Magic Pill". There is actually science behind it. Cancer cells need carbs to grow. You can help starve them out by adopting a high protein diet. Your healthy cells can convert protein to energy, but cancer cells can't. If I got a cancer diagnosis tomorrow, I'd be trying it just so I had a way to pick up the fight.


Who can you turn to besides your family? Is there anyone, even in small doses that you can talk to and get some support?


Here's kind of my way of looking at things.... There are things in our lives that are toxic. Slowly over time, they poison us, weaken us. We all know plastics do this to us for example, and nitrites in our food. Relationships do as well... Keep that in mind. You are at a point where you may have to reduce the toxicity in your life by reducing the contact you have with certain people. Maybe you aren't resilient enough deal with toxic people now.
Thank you so much for your suggestion. I agree, I have stopped talking to my parents over the phone. The toxicity is just too much for me, at least right now. To be honest, I'm not quite sure why I have even continued to talk to them at all.
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Old 04-12-2019, 07:50 PM #6
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I think people here are trying to help you soo much, I hope and pray you can see we do care!!!.cancer is awful, but there have been many survivors so do you best to take care of yourself first, by maybe seeing a therapist and doing what your docs say too.
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Old 04-13-2019, 02:44 AM #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Monkey1111 View Post
Yet part of me strives to push on, just because maybe there is one day going to be something worthwhile for me in this life. But I haven't seen it yet. But just in case, I want to push through, just in case.
I am sorry your family is so callous and unsupportive and that your life is so hard.

ll you can do is take it one day at a time and try to hang on to this (hope). I hope you have a kind therapist to help you with this and that you have moments without pain.
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Old 04-15-2019, 05:41 AM #8
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Default Re: Everything In My Life Is Utter Hell

Hey Monkey1111,

Just checking in on you. It's been a few days.


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