Does it Even Pay to Be Nice, Generous, etc? - Page 3 - Forums at Psych Central



advertisement
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 05-05-2019, 06:58 AM #21
BonsaiGuy's Avatar
BonsaiGuy BonsaiGuy is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Jan 2019
Location: Ohio
Posts: 184
BonsaiGuy BonsaiGuy is offline
Member
BonsaiGuy's Avatar
BonsaiGuy is loving life!
 
Member Since: Jan 2019
Location: Ohio
Posts: 184

193 hugs
given
Default Re: Does it Even Pay to Be Nice, Generous, etc?

I try to be very nice, generous, and helpful during all of my waking hours. I usually do this without fail. The reason that I am so consistent with this activity is because not only does it help others, but it helps me most of all. I become thankful, grateful, and even more mindful of my interactions. This serves me and others. However, if the people who I interact this are jerks and don't return the gesture, then I still receive the awesome benefits listed above. It makes me happy beyond measure.

You sound like a really great person. Don't lose heart!

I hope this helps
__________________
Recovering from the past. Growing in the present. Planting seeds for the future.

Dx: Bi-Polar II, PTSD, ADHD, SUD
Rx: Methadone 100mg, Lamictal 300mg, Abilify 10mg, Buspar 40mg, Clonadine 0.3mg, Trazodone 50mg, Nexium 20mg, Allegra 180mg
BonsaiGuy is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:

advertisement
Old 05-05-2019, 09:24 AM #22
WishfulThinker66's Avatar
WishfulThinker66 WishfulThinker66 is offline
Grand Poohbah
 
Member Since: Jun 2018
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,742
WishfulThinker66 WishfulThinker66 is offline
Grand Poohbah
WishfulThinker66's Avatar
WishfulThinker66 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2018
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,742 (SuperPoster!)

134 hugs
given
Default Re: Does it Even Pay to Be Nice, Generous, etc?

Gone today is the unwritten book of standards of behaviour and etiquette. What was once common sense expected social behaviour is lost on this generation and even to an extent the one before that. It shocks me that people just don't know what they should. This includes the confirmation they have received kindness and generosity towards them with a pleasant response in kind. I shake my head.
WishfulThinker66 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 05-05-2019, 10:15 AM #23
SilverTrees's Avatar
SilverTrees SilverTrees is offline
Grand Member
 
Member Since: Mar 2019
Location: Here
Posts: 967
SilverTrees SilverTrees is offline
Grand Member
SilverTrees's Avatar
SilverTrees is wishing everyone peace and hope.
 
Member Since: Mar 2019
Location: Here
Posts: 967 (SuperPoster!)

1,212 hugs
given
Default Re: Does it Even Pay to Be Nice, Generous, etc?

Quote:
Originally Posted by DazedandConfused254 View Post
Hi @SilverTrees,

Thank you as well for putting up with me and taking so much time to help repair some of the brokenness in my life. And thanks for the compliment of my signature and profile! The profile name comes from a Led Zeppelin song indeed known as ďDazed and ConfusedĒ, with 254 always having a special meaning. D&C is what I was before finding PC! The quoteís one of my favs, my family and I are huge Disney fans and the quote even holds a more symbolic meaning when they asked for it to be included in my senior HS yearbook.

Donít worry about the long replies and wealth of information. This is some of the most important and helpful encouragement that Iíve received, and since my therapist has been out of town moving her mother to our hometown Iíve had a block of a few weeks where sheís out of the office. In regards to how Iíve handled stress itís a mixed bag. Iíve discovered an arsenal of coping techniques like taking bubble baths at the end of the day, and through the strategy of distraction. Letís say I keep worrying about an upcoming exam or deadline. I donít deny that itís imminent but I still take time to replace heavy-handed thoughts and a fast pace with more light-hearted topics/tasks (cleaning house, puppy videos) before pushing myself any harder to figure things out on my own. But when it comes to the negative strategies, I tend to compare myself with others. Iíll compare how others may handle a problem better than me. Iíll compare myself to others who seem to have it better than me with dating. And then if Iím tired, worried, or out-of-whack Iíll often think or speak badly (of course not to their face), especially in a situation where my anxious mind encounters a perceived threat, whether it be annoyed about my dating situation or having a crisis at work. Itís often a strategy (albeit fruitless) to regain any perceived loss of power.

When it comes to the ďall my faultĒ itís been an ongoing thing for much of my life, but itís gotten worse being a part of an abusive church. In a nutshell the theology was similar to an early episode of The Simpsons where the main minister of the showís city Springfield, Rev Lovejoy makes a snide remark to the overly contrite neighbor of the titular characters, Ned Flanders: ďEven going to the bathroom can be considered a sinĒ. My desire to conform to the crowd at what I originally believed to be a decent group to not get sucked into the typical party mentality (not to distract from education) ended up imposing an atmosphere of scrupulosity and lack of diversity. There have been a few people along who would help me address my struggles or worries arising from perceived flaws but more often than not I would get criticized or ignored. And it got to the point where I was walking on eggshells to avoid irritating someone or having problems with them. Further adding to my insecurities with women was the notion that men were aggressive and dangerous animals, so interactions between genders were very limited and regulated to a tee. I battle the potential thought of being an undeserving pig daily. Then when I went to California for a summer intern after my involvement with this group it was difficult to relate to anybody after wasting several years of my life for that churchís cause and my bosses and a few leaders of my intern group exploited my ever-worsening anxiety by constant criticism on my performance, even with small things like misunderstanding the internís regulations. And with both of those situations came so-called social leaders, the former with student leaders of that organization and the latter being the bosses and so-called extroverts/social climbers of my intern, who were the most vocal and seemed to set the standards and most authority in the group. So since that time in my life Iíve become more suspicious of otherís intentions, and afraid to even connect with people, even those close to me. When I've opened up to people I looked up to I got hurt. Thatís where it all began and then some, the process of internalizing trauma, comparison and becoming increasingly cynical. But I whole-heartedly believe that I've found a channel here to share my feelings, hear others' out, and not be judged since my whirlwind began.

Iíve re-read your post over and over again, particularly the discussion of rejection vs disappointment, as it really hit home to me. Taking more common sense into account I really think I am more disappointed than anything else. With my 6 years of college, Iíve both matured and achieved self-discovery of my niche and passions. Everybody in my family/close friends group have noticed the positive effects of my education, commenting that I work well with people under the right circumstances and Iím genuinely enjoying and pursuing my fields of interest. On the contrary, what has defined my disappointment these past 6 years was the expectation to have more quality friends in college compared to high school, as was the case with my parents (went to same uni as me) but the complete opposite ended up being the case, particularly with the spiritual abuse that came with a deceiving group of ďfriendsĒ. Even social groups outside the abusive one seemed superficial outside the usual group meetings. I also made the mistake of choosing quantity over quality out of desperation to make friends, further leaving me bitter about my uni years and the people within it. On the other hand when it comes to the opposite gender, Iíve not had any successful relationships so far, and the people who I came close to connecting with romantically ďput me in the friend zoneĒ or I was not at all attracted to them (physically or mentally). Iím forever embarrassed when I asked out that old crush 3 years ago only to find out she started dating that same BF sheís with now. She was the only one who I clicked with before she saw someone else and that chance is never going to come again. More recently, as mentioned, a couple of friends seemed to lose all common sense and any sense of a balance when they starting reaching the milestones of dating and marriage. Even when Iíve talked to people I know like my parents or close friends they come up short on helpful advice or say something like ďit must be your weight, what you're saying etc.Ē, leaving me to believe the lie that love is based on shallow, generalized traits. And thatís without a doubt been my story since Iíve even been old enough to date, so thatís also how Iíve been eaten up by the predators known as social conditioning and feeling unlovable.

EDIT: The death of my Uncle Jack in 2008 was just about the hardest thing I had to pursue in life, especially for someone who was barely a teen at the time. In a pensive moment I also realize this tragedy still has haunted me, as I not only lost someone who I frequently saw and was close to, he was one of the last in my family to share his last name with future generations. Since then it seems now all the weight's on me to keep my family tree going. It's a terrible and selfish way for me to cope with that loss but that tragedy has resulted in both a loss and all the more pressure to date, hence my insecurities to follow.

Itís going to take a long time for me to come out of that rabbit hole. But I can say this thread, and your responses in particular, have been the upmost of helpfulness in speaking truth into the bogus Iíve become conditioned to believe. After the last few years of seemingly finding vague and unhelpful answers from societyís social conditioning and even my own support group, you, and everybody else here have without a doubt been the most helpful in tackling my fears head on. I really appreciate you and speaking truth and new perspectives over me, Silver Trees!

Thank you Dazed and Confused. I am very glad to hear that you are finding PC helpful. I imagine that the sense of connection, with boundaries respected, is quite refreshing to you.

A small tip, since it pertains to topics we discussed....could you make it a goal *not to start your PC posts with something like "Thanks for putting up with me..." Do you see what you are doing there? You are diminishing yourself. I'm not "putting up" with you. You have interesting things to say. If, for any reason, I did not feel like replying, I would not. Eliminating those carrier phrases from your posts may seem trivial but it's another little way of signaling to your inner self that you actually like and value him. Do you see what I mean?

Thank you so much for honoring us here with more of your truth. You have been through quite a lot for a young man, Dazed and Confused. So many intense experiences can lead to confusion and uncertainty. However, confused and uncertain is how we feel right before we develop a new understanding or insight....that's how we evolve. So if you can try to make a friend of your confusion and pain (as odd as that may sound) I believe you could be one step closer to peace. This may not be the most pleasant idea but in my own life, my most important lessons were very painful. Sometimes I train myself to look for beauty in the pain....something useful. Does that sound strange or something you could try? In one sense, you are already doing that....you are noting the beauty of sharing on PC and receiving support and kindness....so something beautiful is already stemming from your woes.

I am very sorry that you lost your Uncle Jack. This was a positive relationship for you, yes? A psychologist told me that it is still possible to continue a relationship with someone after their death. What do you think of that idea?
Do you ever talk to Uncle Jack these days? Or write him a letter and read it aloud? I wonder how that might feel to you? You could tell him something you never told him before, a secret or two?

It is interesting that you are feeling pressure to continue the family name. That actually explains quite a few comments you have made in earlier posts. That is a LOT of pressure D&C! You know what popped into my mind when I read that? What would Uncle Jack say? What would he say about his wonderful nephew feeling tortured about needing to continue the family name while also struggling with grief and loss and the struggles of the human condition? I obviously did not know your Uncle Jack. But if he was a good man who loved you, I imagine a strong hand laid on your shoulder and something like: "Hey now nephew, slow down! Plenty of time to be thinking about marriage and children later. You don't owe me or the family anything. We love you as you are. Our love isn't something to prove or earn. Live your life. It has a habit of figuring itself out. Breathe."

If you feel other sources of pressure to partner and procreate, I recommend unpacking those. Often cultural. In some areas these days, it's the norm for men and women to wait until their 30s to marry. The divorce rate for 1st marriages is actually significantly lower for those who marry in their 30s compared with 20s....something to think about. Though not a reason to judge the younger marriages, right? Wish them peace and you will feel more peaceful yourself.

The church group you were involved with honestly sounds more like a cult. Sometimes it's a fine line. A tip? If you wish to be part of any spiritual or religious group, take time to screen them....what's the general message or ethos of the group? If it is not a loving message of acceptance for all, I would seriously consider skipping it. If the message seems to be emphasizing judgment and exclusion, that does not sound like a healthy place to be. I can't comment on religion directly here because it's against guidelines. But I think it is reasonable to remember that plenty of leaders of religious groups have been involved in some terrible acts in the world. Not all of course. Some have helped humanity. I just think we need to be calmly questioning (internally) anyone who enters our lives...regardless of their title or role.

That group seems to have really impacted your perceptions of women and dating etc. Something to explore when your therapist returns.

It was a loss to you to finally have found a woman you liked only to realize she was interested in someone else. Acknowledge the loss and disappointment. You may even wish to write down how you feel about that. Try not to evaluate your feelings..."I should (not) feel this way or that..." just let your feelings be what they are, whatever they are. Trust me, fighting feelings does not work....it often leads to more turmoil. Feel how you feel. Allow yourself that. When you get to that point, you may be amazed by how the feelings start to fade. I even read one study suggesting that announcing an unpleasant feeling aloud can actually help to tolerate it. Think about that idea. Think of your toughest, most painful feelings. Are they the ones you openly express and share or are they tucked away in a small, dark corner of your mind....gathering more and more weight as you try to keep them locked away?

I am familiar with your signature song....can't go wrong with LZ. My favorite is Immigrant Song.

Peace.

Last edited by SilverTrees; 05-05-2019 at 10:41 AM.
SilverTrees is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 05-05-2019, 10:56 PM #24
DazedandConfused254's Avatar
DazedandConfused254 DazedandConfused254 is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Jul 2017
Location: Coahulia y Tejas
Posts: 254
DazedandConfused254 DazedandConfused254 is offline
Member
DazedandConfused254's Avatar
DazedandConfused254 Done with school forever!!!!
 
Member Since: Jul 2017
Location: Coahulia y Tejas
Posts: 254

1 yr Member
231 hugs
given
Default Re: Does it Even Pay to Be Nice, Generous, etc?

Thank you so much again for your thoughtful replies as always @SilverTrees. Iím really enjoying hearing your thoughtful and insightful take on everything that Iíve lacked understanding in for so long.

That is a good point that you make with things like ďputting up with meĒ and the like. Iíve sometimes thrown that around just as a light-hearted compliment when bragging on special friends but itís something Iíve included in times of being hard on myself too, which several people have pointed out as well. This goes to show that you are wonderful at caring about others and have made me in particular feel loved even though lately Iíve felt otherwise, and for that I very much appreciate you.

In my therapy and recovery from my painful experiences the process of becoming both acquainted and befriending my confusion and pain the process has been a long one, especially reconnecting with addressing my ingrained thought patterns, but in the meanwhile after breaking free from my fake and abusive ďfriendsĒ Iíve also rediscovered some true friends who have willingly proceeded to still share friendship with me after periods of non-contact and being sucked into my toxic situations. And the real friends that Iíve found again or have pursued at a deeper level arenít just the typical casual friends. Even though the true friends I truly have are only a handful, that has opened up a whole new world of bonding and support after going so long lacking it. The most important lesson that Iíve learned from both my smaller-higher quality friends and my closer family members is that perfection is fruitless and that we are all composed of our good qualities, strengths and weaknesses that make us human, which in turn still makes us beautiful in our own unique ways. And I think PC is a great channel that tunes into both our turmoil and successes. It's refreshing to find yet another new perspective on something that has stagnated in the back of my mind, as I have always found difficulty in recognizing I'm not a superhuman where everything is rainbows and lollipops.

Yes, as youíve inquired about my Uncle Jack he was very close to me, both emotionally and physically. We saw each other at least twice or three times in a month or more, since I could throw a rock from my house and hit his place. My father, Jackís younger brother, have had the typical sibling rivalries and differences that all came with being family, but of course our bond with him was a bond that can never be broken. Which brings me to my praise for you bringing the possibility of continuing a relationship with him even after death. Iíve seen countless movies and read numerous books with expositions setting up characters that have gone through loss and they still write letters like they would send them, or even in a movie I saw recently (Dolphin Tale) where one of the main characters still talks to her deceased mother and writes letters to her after her passing. And now that youíve mentioned that possibility thereís a whole slew of things I need to tell him about!

The issue with continuing my family name is one that was only brought up a couple of times soon after Jackís passing but the first time that my Dad pointed this out to me, it stung me like an attack of African bees. Since that time Iíve hinted at that topic but my parents saying things like ďyou do youĒ, or ďlive your own lifeĒ. But of course I canít deny that very moment when I realized that sinking feeling of being the last person on either side who can carry my last name. Once again you have seemed to read me like a book. If Jack were still alive today and I complained about my lack of luck with romance to him he wouldíve screamed in his trademark, Tex-centric voice ďWell now wait a minute!!!!Ē He loved me just as much as I loved him so I think that intuition is more than correct, given that he came from the same side as my father, who has implied the same message. All my Dadís side of the family is known for their drive for treating others with passion and having a good moral compass.

I always like it when people like you describe both the trend of marrying later and the decreasing divorce rates marrying later than their 20s. Iím starting to see an encouraging pattern hereÖ.youíre not the first person whoís mentioned this trend. Why Iíve had my parents, who are both in the medical field and married in their early 30s and my previous therapist tell me that a personís brain doesnít fully develop psychologically until their mid to late 20s. This includes the ability to make good decisions. What else does this include? The higher ability to maintain relationships, which of course includes dating and marriage! Iíve turned it into an excuse to feel resentful towards my tradition-heavy university and people within it, which is famous for traditions like ďscore a kiss with the teamĒ and having a date accompany you to most social events, but I hope as I go out into the world rather than just simply within my previous spheres this can improve for the better.

I agree about that church group. Although that organization was nowhere close to other nationally-discredited groups like the Branch Davidians, my parents and my extended family agree that getting out was the best possible move and even though I still have problems that warrant a therapist and deeper thought into my years of insecurities, people have started to see the positive effects of leaving behind that group, and other toxic people Iíve met in my 6 years here. I havenít been involved with another church group since, understandably because of that experience and others like it before, but people who have supported me the most have also been accepting of my need to grieve over that group before throwing myself out into a Briar Patch-situation again. And this process of ďbeing myselfĒ and rediscovering myself and what I stand for has been more than beneficial. This includes my boundaries, which can be both for personal relationships and institutions that we regularly interact with.

And yes Iíve been dealing with recovering from my rigid perceptions like ďmen and women canít be friendsĒ or the highly disempowering concept of ďthe friend zoneĒ but when Iíve started to explore my feelings and how to acknowledge them, I found an analogy on a site for what not to say to people with Bipolar Disorder, but it hit home for me. It said that denying your feelings or letting people tell you how you should feel is almost the same thing as saying the grass is purple, itís just not true. In the same boat I also have been more comfortable acknowledging that I am indeed not in the best shape right now to pursue love until I process my feelings. Iím coming to terms that love doesnít always equal happiness, as there are plenty of unhappy couples out there and I myself am more comfortable now doing things alone than with a SO but I just hope that thereís a way for me to resolve my feelings about my old crush and resentment toward couples. Iíve also have had a few awkward moments with the opposite gender that has left me feeling glum and wanting to run and hide every time thereís a woman present. I hope itís not denial but Iím also excited about this time of my life coming up, maybe moving to a new city, or getting involved more in an online job that came about this spring because Iím hoping that it can start to put the distance from the old unhappy self and bring me closer to a new chapter. Although itís not the same, Iíve found a solace in journaling earlier on in college, but fell out of the habit. Maybe I should pursue it again? Now that Iím 6 years wiser that I was at the start of my uni years I got a lot of reflecting to do! But of course itís also like texting a friend vs actually seeing them. Thereís just something special about what we do or see in person, and this also goes to writing things out vs talking them out.

Thanks again for not merely ďputting up with meĒ but making me feel understood and valued! Itís always nice to find fans of LZ and classic rock. My dad who went to high school and college during the days of LZ also introduced me to them early on and canít get enough of them! My favs are Heartbreaker, Rock n Roll and Black Dog, but I can consider all of their albums my favs too. There was even a time when Led Zep was all I could listen to!
__________________
Self dx'd: Anxiety and problematic self-esteem

Current treatments: Lexapro (10 mg/daily), weekly professional counseling, setting boundaries, and striving to love me for me

"If you can dream it you can do it!" ~ Walt Disney

Last edited by DazedandConfused254; 05-06-2019 at 02:19 AM.
DazedandConfused254 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 05-06-2019, 01:59 AM #25
DazedandConfused254's Avatar
DazedandConfused254 DazedandConfused254 is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Jul 2017
Location: Coahulia y Tejas
Posts: 254
DazedandConfused254 DazedandConfused254 is offline
Member
DazedandConfused254's Avatar
DazedandConfused254 Done with school forever!!!!
 
Member Since: Jul 2017
Location: Coahulia y Tejas
Posts: 254

1 yr Member
231 hugs
given
Default Re: Does it Even Pay to Be Nice, Generous, etc?

Quote:
Originally Posted by BonsaiGuy View Post
I try to be very nice, generous, and helpful during all of my waking hours. I usually do this without fail. The reason that I am so consistent with this activity is because not only does it help others, but it helps me most of all. I become thankful, grateful, and even more mindful of my interactions. This serves me and others. However, if the people who I interact this are jerks and don't return the gesture, then I still receive the awesome benefits listed above. It makes me happy beyond measure.

You sound like a really great person. Don't lose heart!

I hope this helps
Thanks for your encouraging reply BG! This is another one of those responses where it seems like it's just what I've been hoping to see. It's great to find someone else who desires to share those same qualities with others. From what you're describing it resembles the psychological benefits of forgiving others, with most of the benefits going to the offended rather than the offender. It's also like another analogy I've heard recently where it's infinitely harder to sustain a tightly clenched fist than it is to let your hand rest normally, which was something that hit home for me as well and seems to go along with the process of respecting others compared to being a jerk. In my own experience which seems highly relatable at times when I've been worried about meeting up with someone who has a position of authority or who's just difficult I've noticed that it's much easier to relax and be respectful rather than closed-off and curt. And it goes to show that compassion and kindness have no bounds. I'll keep this in mind!

Thanks again for making me feel encouraged and happier with myself!
__________________
Self dx'd: Anxiety and problematic self-esteem

Current treatments: Lexapro (10 mg/daily), weekly professional counseling, setting boundaries, and striving to love me for me

"If you can dream it you can do it!" ~ Walt Disney
DazedandConfused254 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 05-07-2019, 05:12 AM #26
BonsaiGuy's Avatar
BonsaiGuy BonsaiGuy is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Jan 2019
Location: Ohio
Posts: 184
BonsaiGuy BonsaiGuy is offline
Member
BonsaiGuy's Avatar
BonsaiGuy is loving life!
 
Member Since: Jan 2019
Location: Ohio
Posts: 184

193 hugs
given
Default Re: Does it Even Pay to Be Nice, Generous, etc?

Quote:
Originally Posted by DazedandConfused254 View Post
. It's also like another analogy I've heard recently where it's infinitely harder to sustain a tightly clenched fist than it is to let your hand rest normally, which was something that hit home for me as well and seems to go along with the process of respecting others compared to being a jerk.
This is awesome!! I am so glad you shared this with me. It is so what I needed to hear. You actually really just improved my day and it's only
6:12am lol.

Thank you so much
__________________
Recovering from the past. Growing in the present. Planting seeds for the future.

Dx: Bi-Polar II, PTSD, ADHD, SUD
Rx: Methadone 100mg, Lamictal 300mg, Abilify 10mg, Buspar 40mg, Clonadine 0.3mg, Trazodone 50mg, Nexium 20mg, Allegra 180mg
BonsaiGuy is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 05-09-2019, 06:58 PM #27
DazedandConfused254's Avatar
DazedandConfused254 DazedandConfused254 is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Jul 2017
Location: Coahulia y Tejas
Posts: 254
DazedandConfused254 DazedandConfused254 is offline
Member
DazedandConfused254's Avatar
DazedandConfused254 Done with school forever!!!!
 
Member Since: Jul 2017
Location: Coahulia y Tejas
Posts: 254

1 yr Member
231 hugs
given
Default Re: Does it Even Pay to Be Nice, Generous, etc?

Quote:
Originally Posted by BonsaiGuy View Post
This is awesome!! I am so glad you shared this with me. It is so what I needed to hear. You actually really just improved my day and it's only
6:12am lol.

Thank you so much
Thank you so much for saying this, and for reminding me that I am not just falling on deaf ears. It made my day as well!!! The analogies were some I learned from a motivational speaker who I hear from all the time on my campus, and it came at a crucial time in my life to prevent my mind from becoming a cesspool. I am beyond ecstatic that this advice has helped you just as much as it's helped me!!!
__________________
Self dx'd: Anxiety and problematic self-esteem

Current treatments: Lexapro (10 mg/daily), weekly professional counseling, setting boundaries, and striving to love me for me

"If you can dream it you can do it!" ~ Walt Disney
DazedandConfused254 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 05-10-2019, 05:48 AM #28
BrittyBird BrittyBird is offline
New Member
 
Member Since: May 2019
Location: New York
Posts: 2
BrittyBird BrittyBird is offline
New Member
BrittyBird has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2019
Location: New York
Posts: 2

Default Re: Does it Even Pay to Be Nice, Generous, etc?

I would say that it depends on the individual whether or not it's worth it. I can't speak for anyone here because we all have similar yet different experiences.

I'll give an example of my past for example. These last 3 years I've been in community college, I've met different large groups of people each year. And each year, I am part of the group or in some cases, I am like the mom of the group. I always gave neutral advice to people (with all possibilities, not just what they want to hear.) I've been there for emotional support, I've been there to listen to people vent, I've even given money to people who had no food to eat weekly. Sometimes I never saw them buy any food with it,so lord knows where the money went. I would do them little favors here and there. I was essentially the glue that tried to keep the group together. But majority of the times I found out these people I treated nicely and gave my 100% talked **** about me behind my back. And the saddest thing is they never bothered to get to know me. They never bothered to sit down with me,ask me questions, and get to know who I really am. They just went off of what they heard from other people. Despite it being college, people still acted like immature highschoolers. It doesn't help that I have BPD but they don't see me as a broken hurt person. They chalk it up to whatever negative stigma they have of mental illness (which may I add,they lacked any compassion for anything.) It was a group comprised of two faced people,thieves that stole what they could afford,stole from friends,people who cheated on their significant others. But that's another story for another time.

TL;DR I treated people nicely,and they stepped on me,as you've also said you've been through being stepped on;living through toxicity

It's up to us to determine whether or not it's worth it. Should we continue being nice? Should we stop being nice all together, slow down our roll,etc? I'd say measure the pros and cons of you being nice and giving 100% but not getting the same back. That's one way you can use to see if it's worth it or not in the long run. Personally for me,a lot of people say it's not worth it, but I've always told people. If I can't make myself happy, the very least I can do in the world is make everyone else I know or meet happy. That's enough for me. Even though in the end, sometimes it's a cycle of be nice,get backstabbed,get hurt,and such. I will still move on, find other people, and help be there for them for anything. I never had anyone for me when I was younger,so I want to be there for others. Just try not to let this be the reason why you start hating humanity or losing hope in people,because there are good people out there. You'll meet them one day and have a worthy friendship/relationship. I've also met people who enjoy the feeling of being nice even if it doesn't pay off,because they go to sleep feeling good about themselves. That can be another way to look at it.

Sorry my advice isn't really the best. I hope you find peace in the end OP. Remember. There's always rain before a rainbow.
BrittyBird is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 05-10-2019, 09:19 AM #29
KD1980's Avatar
KD1980 KD1980 is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Nov 2018
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 216
KD1980 KD1980 is offline
Member
KD1980's Avatar
KD1980 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2018
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 216

753 hugs
given
Default Re: Does it Even Pay to Be Nice, Generous, etc?

I'm sorry you're having a bad time. I went through similar struggles where I was really nice and people took advantage of me.
I find that being nice because that's the person you want to be (and not doing it for reciprocation) is a great way to live. People will do what they want, but I'm proud of myself for being a compassionate person and for evolving. Remember that you can be your own best friend. Being nice in general also means being nice to yourself. Even though others are not nice to you, you still deserve self-compassion.

It's okay to set boundaries and put yourself first. You can cut people out without being mean or disrespectful. It's acceptable to not expend a lot of energy on people who don't reciprocate. If someone is taking from you, just say "Hey, I know you need things but I'm busy and I have to focus on other things". You can find a nice way of saying that.
KD1980 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 05-14-2019, 05:05 PM #30
DazedandConfused254's Avatar
DazedandConfused254 DazedandConfused254 is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Jul 2017
Location: Coahulia y Tejas
Posts: 254
DazedandConfused254 DazedandConfused254 is offline
Member
DazedandConfused254's Avatar
DazedandConfused254 Done with school forever!!!!
 
Member Since: Jul 2017
Location: Coahulia y Tejas
Posts: 254

1 yr Member
231 hugs
given
Default Re: Does it Even Pay to Be Nice, Generous, etc?

Thanks for your response @BrittyBird. I actually think that advice is pretty darn good. I appreciate people like you who are able to tell the truth and not be ashamed of it either! I relate to all of these experiences because all throughout college Iíve felt an obligation toward climbing the social ladders in various groups I was involved with or reach out to other people to support them. But the lesson Iíve learned comes in questions: Is it really so worth trying to please people that youíre willing to hurt yourself in the process, even for those you barely know or who wonít appreciate your efforts?

Thanks for your thoughtful reply @KD1980. The old phrase that someone must love themselves in order to love others is one that is frequently used, but sure enough itís so true in our interactions. In my case before learning about the power of personal boundaries Iíve been nice to others, but generally not nice to myself. I still struggle with this, but these forums and my counselor have helped me to appreciate who I am. I am also glad to find someone who validates that niceness and assertiveness arenít mutually exclusive!
__________________
Self dx'd: Anxiety and problematic self-esteem

Current treatments: Lexapro (10 mg/daily), weekly professional counseling, setting boundaries, and striving to love me for me

"If you can dream it you can do it!" ~ Walt Disney
DazedandConfused254 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:14 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

advertisement

Psych Central Forums

Psych Central is the leading mental health website, overseen by mental health professionals since 1995.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider. .

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.
Please read the full disclaimer.