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DazedandConfused254
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Angry May 01, 2019 at 08:57 PM
  #1
So even with this exciting time coming up where I am about to be done with education of any kind forever, of course, I start running out of gas as I do at the end of every semester, sometimes opening the way to undesirable thoughts.

One thought I keep entertaining is how worthless it seems for me to be nice, ie being thoughtful, generous with my time and resources, and going the extra mile to help others.

Although people have praised me a countless number of times for being even-tempered and pleasant to be around, in my experience people outside my close friends and family use my nature to step all over me and open the door to toxicity. When I try to be thoughtful to others, like wish them a happy birthday or encourage them through life's struggles, I just get ignored. Like one person (a former crush) who I wished happy birthday to and wanted to catch up with but didn't respond and at the same time rubbed in on SM how happy she was with her boyfriend of 3 years. Speaking of which I guess nice guys do finish last, with women always going for the more popular and handsome jocks. The guy who invented the phrase "Be Yourself" is a liar and a hypocrite. And more recently I've had this friend who's started to take advantage of my generosity. Some spiritual abuse that I endured a couple of years ago, along with a toxic intern has hindered my ability to trust others, including some of my closest friends, and has instilled distrust in my own ability to discern people's intentions, so I have become much more reclusive. This has come from an agreeable nature, so I guess this is also an undesirable trait as well. I am a firm believer that outside my forums, my 2 best friends, and family members, people suck. Kind of wish now that I was born with a mean streak so that people won't ever step on me again.

Sorry for venting, but as I said, last week has been crazy so I'm not in the best shape right now. Is being nice (following the golden rule, generosity, being respectful, thoughtful, etc) even worth it in this dog eat dog world?

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Default May 02, 2019 at 12:23 AM
  #2
Hello my sweet Dazed. Long time, no see.

I am a natural caregiver. I have a heart of gold and as generous as my heart and money can withstand. It's no surprise that I'm pursuing nursing.

I've let people walk over me before, and I've learned some hard lessons.

My parents, though only in their innocent intentions, dump their problems and emotions on me. The other day, I spoke honestly about how this was hurting me. My dad was in tears, but after that day, the household has become less toxic and more open and loving. They mean well, and I do my best to understand, but when I'm a FT student M-Th and work all weekend (yeah, no days off), it was so emotionally draining to come home and expect negativity.

I'd suggest setting your boundaries. Be honest (tactfully, of course), but be firm to your values and your mental health. What is that XYZ that people say or do that hurts you, and what limits can you set for yourself and others? Keep reaching out. That girl you wished happy birthday to? "Hey, I saw that you haven't replied to my message. Is everything okay?" When people take advantage of your generosity? "I'm sorry, I'll have to think about that before saying yes to XYZ"

Don't give up on your heart of gold. It's worth more than all drama and the meanness you endure. It'll unfold into all the loveliness and beauty in the world if you stick to your values and your belief.

Big hugs, my sweet Dazed.
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Default May 02, 2019 at 03:43 AM
  #3
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Originally Posted by DazedandConfused254 View Post
Like one person (a former crush) who I wished happy birthday to and wanted to catch up with but didn't respond and at the same time rubbed in on SM how happy she was with her boyfriend of 3 years.

Sorry for venting, but as I said, last week has been crazy so I'm not in the best shape right now. Is being nice (following the golden rule, generosity, being respectful, thoughtful, etc) even worth it in this dog eat dog world?
I have no idea what is going on with your former crush in her head but when I met my husband, I was serial dating. When he said he wanted to be with me seriously, he forbid me from talking to the guy he knew I was dating. I am afraid I let black and white thinking take over/didn't want to lose him and stopped talking to all of the guys that I had been dating. I didn't handle it with much finesse. I didn't even give much explanation--not answering messages left on my answering machine (this was before cell phones) and not answering my condo door when these men knocked! It didn't feel right but I felt sort of paralyzed. Plus, I think I just liked how my husband could reign me in because I can be so out of control sometimes. I think I picked him because I liked being bossed around!! I probably needed a therapist way back then. Who knows what is going on in this girls head or what her relationship is like? Funny thing is that I had nothing against the boys that I turned my back on. This might not be about you but I know it still hurts.

Sorry you are struggling.
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Default May 02, 2019 at 04:12 AM
  #4
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Originally Posted by DazedandConfused254 View Post
One thought I keep entertaining is how worthless it seems for me to be nice, ie being thoughtful, generous with my time and resources, and going the extra mile to help others.
I think being compassionate and empathetic is better than kind, thoughtful or generous when it comes to self protection. You can show compassion and empathy by active listening and you do not need to do anything for someone or jump through hoops to hold them up.

Quote:
Although people have praised me a countless number of times for being even-tempered and pleasant to be around, in my experience people outside my close friends and family use my nature to step all over me and open the door to toxicity. When I try to be thoughtful to others, like wish them a happy birthday or encourage them through life's struggles, I just get ignored. Like one person (a former crush) who I wished happy birthday to and wanted to catch up with but didn't respond and at the same time rubbed in on SM how happy she was with her boyfriend of 3 years.
Quote:
COMPASSION:
noun
a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.
Quote:
EMPATHY:
noun
the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
synonyms: affinity with, rapport with, sympathy with, understanding of, sensitivity toward, sensibility to, identification with, awareness of, fellowship with, fellow feeling for, like-mindedness, togetherness, closeness to; informal chemistry
"what is really important about learning a language is learning empathy for another culture"
Even a strong desire to alleviate the suffering of someone can be done from a distance. Its the act of compassion and empathy that keeps us as feeling humans. Notice they are both nouns not verbs-meaning they do not require action on your part. You can feel them and do your best to be kind but have solid boundaries to keep from being taken advantage of. And do not worry about the birthday thing- thats small potatoes in the scheme of life.

Quote:
Speaking of which I guess nice guys do finish last, with women always going for the more popular and handsome jocks. The guy who invented the phrase "Be Yourself" is a liar and a hypocrite.
I didnt go for the popular jock and many women do not. But your experiences right now may be influencing how you feel about it.
Quote:
And more recently I've had this friend who's started to take advantage of my generosity. Some spiritual abuse that I endured a couple of years ago, along with a toxic intern has hindered my ability to trust others, including some of my closest friends, and has instilled distrust in my own ability to discern people's intentions, so I have become much more reclusive. This has come from an agreeable nature, so I guess this is also an undesirable trait as well. I am a firm believer that outside my forums, my 2 best friends, and family members, people suck. Kind of wish now that I was born with a mean streak so that people won't ever step on me again.
I wish it wasnt this way for you but I wont invalidate your feelings and try to convince you otherwise. I can only promise you that the girls worth partnering with to settle down with, marry or have kids with pay zero attention to whether a guy is a jock, popular, rich, poor- they pay attention to who they are and how they treat them. I am not sure of your age but there is a certain age group right now that I believe is in sort of a crisis when it comes to relationships and love.
I have survived some bad things and it changed me- for the better actually and because of those bad things I am able to extend my compassion and empathy to others who remind me of myself. But I also know that "no." is a complete sentence and I do not need to prove to anyone that I feel empathy by doing things for them. And if they expect me to they aren't deserving of it from me.

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Default May 02, 2019 at 10:22 AM
  #5
I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, DazedandConfused254! I COMPLETELY understand your frustration! You're definitely not alone in ANY of this and I'm sure many people can relate to what you wrote especially here on PC! I agree with what all the toher wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been give LOTS of great, kind, wise and wonderful advice and suggestions on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN IF YOU WANT TO! I believe people can STILL be kind and respectful and set up clear boundaries with others! You can do BOTH things! I feel like that's a REALLY important thing to remember! Please DO remember that you have EVERY RIGHT to stand up for yourself if you feel like you're being unfairly treated! You can still be kind, but still FIRM in your decisions and statements! There's ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG with that! I think its WONDERFUL that you're STILL trying to do your best to be KIND and GENEROUS to EVERYONE! Please TREASURE IT because your hard work WILL pay off sooner or later! I PROMISE YOU THAT!!!!! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE!!!!! We certainly appreciate your kindness here! Just remember to be KIND to yourself, ok? That's the most important thing that you can do to help yourself! You deserve to treat yourself with the same kindness that you're treating other people with! I PROMISE YOU THAT!!!!! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE!!!!! Sending many hugs to you, DazedandConfused254!!!!!
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Default May 02, 2019 at 10:36 AM
  #6
Hi Dazed and Confused. I am so sorry that you're feeling this way. It sounds very unpleasant for you. Maybe you're even feeling a bit depressed at the moment?

When you said "nice guys do finish last, with women always going for the more popular and handsome jocks" you are referring to a reductive stereotype from movies....real people are much more complex than that. Women are not all the same. Nor are we all attracted to the same type of person. We vary as much as men do. I for one, appreciate nice people. I believe most people, men and women, would rather be around pleasant beings.

"The guy who invented the phrase "Be Yourself" is a liar and a hypocrite." So, what do you think you should do instead? It's not possible to be anyone else. Our own selves are all we have so we work on being the best versions of ourselves...slowly over time. I'm still working on myself and will until my last day on earth!

You said someone has taken advantage of your generosity. People cannot take advantage of us if we do not let them. This sounds like a boundary issue. We can be pleasant toward everyone while clearly setting boundaries. We can be pleasant without giving other people money (or whatever the resources are that you feel are being misused.)

I think what may be happening here is that you are possibly projecting feelings about yourself onto the world around you. You sound insecure at the moment and perhaps that is distorting your perceptions. I say that from a place of care and regard, not judgment. When you are feeling a bit fuller and more energized, try an exercise where you write down all the true thoughts and feelings that you have about yourself....just privately, not to share with others. Not what you think others perceive in you, but how you feel about yourself. It may surprise you.

You mentioned that people with a "mean streak" don't get stepped on. Personally, I have never met a "mean" person who wasn't thoroughly miserable. It takes a lot more energy to be unpleasant toward others and those folks are at higher risk for health problems, dysfunctional relationships, and shorter life expectancy.

Perhaps your former crush was feeling uncomfortable and worried that you were reaching out in order to start a relationship with her....so she emphasized her current relationship to make it clear that she's not available. Who knows? There are lots of reasons why people behave as they do. That applies to men and women. Personally, I never contact people I used to date or had a former interest in. I find it keeps things simple and peaceful for me.

When you are feeling more relaxed and have more time, I think it could be worth unpacking why you are developing a black-and-white view of people....kind or mean....good or bad. I think it could be a defense mechanism but obviously I don't know you. You said you are about to be done with education forever....perhaps you are now pressuring yourself to perfect other aspects of your life such as your relationships? Just a thought.

I wish you well with the completion of your studies. Peace, hope, and a bright future to you! You deserve it.
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Default May 02, 2019 at 06:26 PM
  #7
I am going to be dead honest...and perhaps many won't like that...but that's me. I'm nothing if not honest. Here goes. As far as being nice...yes, it pays, but ONLY with those who are close to you and have proven their worthiness. I have been used, lied to, humiliated, and scammed by people that I thought I could trust. INCLUDING my husband. I no longer trust anyone completely. People bring problems, drama, and chaos. I did NOT wake up one morning and say.."Hey...I am going to be a people-hating grouch for NO reason at all!!" This is a lesson learned over time. Find people you can trust, and keep your group very small and exclusive. Now about women liking "jocks" etc? Wrong. Personally, no man I ever dated was anything the girls would go crazy for, in any way. Of course, I wasn't what men in general would want because men want Playboy centerfold types. I was blessed with assets that men do not notice, like a work ethic, money sense, and not afraid of hard (dirty) work. I do not do nails, hair,
makeup or push-up bras. Go figure.

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Last edited by Medusax; May 02, 2019 at 06:56 PM.. Reason: Because I want to
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Default May 02, 2019 at 06:59 PM
  #8
"Speaking of which I guess nice guys do finish last, with women always going for the more popular and handsome jocks. "

Personally...I used to like nerds. Problem is?? Nerds like the head cheerleader type like any other man.

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Default May 02, 2019 at 08:41 PM
  #9
"Nice guys, jocks, nerds, and cheerleaders..."

I'm confused. Are you folks being facetious or are you actually in high school? I know there are adolescent members at PC so I apologize if I misunderstood. I assumed D&C was graduating from college but I think I may have completely misinterpreted this thread I'm not far from 40 so I think I must be ancient compared to you folks. Haha. I haven't thought about high school for a very long time!
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Default May 02, 2019 at 09:19 PM
  #10
Nowadays being nice is one of the characteristics that people ignored when looking for a friend or a partner. When you are too kind they tend to abuse it.
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Default May 02, 2019 at 10:25 PM
  #11
Quote:
One thought I keep entertaining is how worthless it seems for me to be nice, ie being thoughtful, generous with my time and resources, and going the extra mile to help others.
Often people don't respond well because they don't want to or know how to give it back so they don't want to feel obligated. This has nothing to do with your deserving to have someone be nice back to you or not.
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Default May 03, 2019 at 06:28 AM
  #12
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Originally Posted by SilverTrees View Post
"Nice guys, jocks, nerds, and cheerleaders..."

I'm confused. Are you folks being facetious or are you actually in high school? I know there are adolescent members at PC so I apologize if I misunderstood. I assumed D&C was graduating from college but I think I may have completely misinterpreted this thread I'm not far from 40 so I think I must be ancient compared to you folks. Haha. I haven't thought about high school for a very long time!

No, I am FAR from HS. (Thank goodness) It was just the easiest way to describe the choices of most potential partners. And perhaps then, HS was a good time for you. It was NOT for me.

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Default May 03, 2019 at 09:15 AM
  #13
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No, I am FAR from HS. (Thank goodness) It was just the easiest way to describe the choices of most potential partners. And perhaps then, HS was a good time for you. It was NOT for me.
No, my depression was very bad at that point in my life. As I said, so long ago I don't think of it anymore. It's of no significance to me.
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Default May 03, 2019 at 09:21 AM
  #14
To summarize my response to the OP's title question: Yes, being nice to others will pay off in the long run. Sending positive energy out in the world increases the chance that positive energy will come back to us. Though that is not to say that being pleasant will suddenly change our life into the one we want....that takes a lot of work on the self. The reverse is also true....being unpleasant and judgmental increases the risk of being surrounded by unpleasantness or being avoided. A negative attribution bias can convince a person that people are horrible even when they aren't. And as I said, being pleasant does not mean we have to give people our money or forget our boundaries.
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Default May 03, 2019 at 09:30 PM
  #15
Thank you all so much for your support and for taking the time to give such thoughtful replies. Feeling the love here!

@LiteraryLark: Always good to hear from you and a special shout out for your kind words! I can relate to many of your experiences on so many different levels. I too, once went through a phase where my parents out of becoming overwhelmed at work dumped their stress on me, even at times when I too have had my own burdens to bear. I finally just had to sit down with my parents on a family trip as well as when I was home for the summer to discuss how my emotional boundaries were being tampered with. My parents were contrite that they unknowingly hurt me and following that rather difficult summer I'm as happy as I've ever been with my relationship with them. Now that I think about it my parents are both doctors, and even when they've dealt with uptight patients they've thrived off being both civil, friendly and going the extra mile to help others! Big hugs to you also

@Nowinners Thank you for sharing your experiences. I've also had to deal with feeling like a pariah in a world that seems to be coupling up ASAP but also getting rid of their single friends equally fast.

@sarahsweets Thank you for your reply and the support you've been showing me lately, as well as helping put this situation in perspective. I guess sometimes the best thing to do is nothing at all, while a one-word answer counts as the extra mile. You've really encouraged me with hearing me out here and reading my thoughts once again. I'm 24 where a lot of people probably don't have things figured out yet, and I guess they show it by using a checklist in their relationships or what they want from others. This is something I've noticed, so your intuition is more than valid and correct.

@MickeyCheeky Thanks for your thoughtful and encouraging replies like always! It's good to know that niceness and assertiveness aren't mutually exclusive. Since you and many other members here have been so helpful I'll take your word for it!

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Default May 03, 2019 at 10:05 PM
  #16
@SilverTrees Thanks for going above and beyond to support me and give me some very useful and touching words. Again feeling the love here from people like you. You have said things like "I don't know you" or "I don't know what's going for sure", but trust me SilverTrees, you've been even more helpful than most people in real life. Yes I have been a little depressed these past couple of years since life and some traumatic experiences just hit me out of nowhere. I get cabin fever easily, especially when I've dealt with less than healthy situations in my 6 years at the same uni, so maybe it's time for a different sphere if it's starting to leave its mark on me mentally. I've found my niche at my uni so its not all bad but what has been bad is the round of toxicity that I endured toward the end of my undergrad and the following intern, which I hope to leave behind mentally. Like you've said, I've started to project my feelings onto others, and in my case its because it seems as if life frequently assumes romantic rejections and toxic experiences are my fault. But I know what is in my control is continuing to reassert myself to the front, which is a relatively new concept, so I guess it just takes practice. And we can make as many or as few boundaries as we want depending on circumstances. Like I mentioned to Mickey I'm glad that I can still be true to my nature, as a kind gentle soul, without becoming a doormat.

I'm no supernatural being so I don't know what was going on with the person I always had a fancy for, but if my original intuition with her is correct, that is, she may ignore me if she does has a boyfriend, people may not all suck then but people coupled early on in life, like that crush, often just use it as a stepping stone to narcississm and shutting out everything that can even come close as a threat to their relationship. No friends outside their SO. I guess the saying "Men and women can't be friends" is true as the deep blue. Thank goodness that I don't have to deal with that suffocating leash and rabbit hole known as dating and marriage at the moment. Maybe "being yourself" is the real approach to life, and it's impossible to try to live someone else's life, but what if no one IRL really loves me for "being myself". I've been rejected so much and I am so busy with other things in life I can't measure up anyway. I'm sorry if I've stepped on toes or have taken up ST or anybody's time with this reply but this has been what I've summed my feelings up to be and really haven't articulated them well at all until now, and still don't know if I'll be able to get out of this cycle.

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Default May 04, 2019 at 10:11 AM
  #17
Hi Dazed and Confused,

thank you for the thoughtful reply. It takes courage to be so candid about one's struggles and fears so I think you should give yourself credit. I have some thoughts based on specific things you said. I quote you so you can see the link between my response and your post but I don't want this to feel like having your psyche picked apart. That would be awful, right? Give me a shout if this feels like too much and I'll leave you be

"been a little depressed these past couple of years since life and some traumatic experiences just hit me out of nowhere"

I have dealt with depression and major trauma myself. Sorry if you already mentioned this in another thread but what has your response been to the depression and traumatic experiences? How are you tackling these?
Sometimes a person's response is avoidance or denial. I recommend talking with an experienced therapist if you have not already tried that. Trauma has a way of growing and spreading in our lives when it is not properly addressed. I really value professional guidance in order to begin and support healing.

"it seems as if life frequently assumes romantic rejections and toxic experiences are my fault."

I am not sure what you mean by this...are you referring to other people as "life" or is this part of your belief system...life as a knowing and judging entity? Your idea there is worth exploring. All I can say, without knowing more, is that it seems you are feeling a sense of being judged and blamed. I wonder what the driving force is there? When did those feelings begin?

"people coupled early on in life, like that crush, often just use it as a stepping stone to narcissism and shutting out everything that can even come close as a threat to their relationship. No friends outside their SO. I guess the saying "Men and women can't be friends" is true as the deep blue."

This is a good example of one of the distorted thoughts I mentioned. It's an assertion and judgment that you're making about other people's relationships. People vary. Some partner young and it works out well. Some get divorced. Some people are unhappy and codependent and don't spend time with anyone else. Some develop healthy interdependence and find balance between marriage and friendship. My hunch is that you may have developed this notion because you are comparing yourself to others partnering early and feel that you come up short somehow. (Not my perception of you, I'm just speculating about where the idea came from) So you've found a way to negate them or deem them as narcissists. I point this out not to give you a hard time but because this type of thinking won't lead you to a happier path. There is a very strong correlation between personal insecurity and judging others. The happier we feel within ourselves, the less and less we judge others. With regard to your other point, I firmly believe that men and women can be friends, I've had several male friends down the years. It just has to be the right friend match (not former lovers) with good boundaries. I suppose I am wondering why you want to be friends with a woman you used to feel attracted to but you don't need to answer that.

"Maybe being yourself is the real approach to life, and it's impossible to try to live someone else's life, but what if no one IRL really loves me for "being myself". I've been rejected so much and I am so busy with other things in life I can't measure up anyway."

This piece is possibly the most important idea you shared in your post. This fear is very human and so many people struggle with it. We all want to be loved and accepted as we are. If we don't feel that we have found such love and acceptance, I think there are two factors to explore:
1. what is our attachment style? (this developed when you were a young child based on how your parents interacted with you)
2. are we responding to others in ways which support the loving and accepting life we desire or are there some things we need to adjust?

For the latter, I am not suggesting that you change everything about yourself or try to emulate someone else. But there are issues which all of us need to identify and address in order to find our own peace. Once we have our own peace, we can share it with others and will attract the right sort of partner (another person who is secure and peaceful). I am not going to even try to suggest what you need to work on D&C. That would be something to talk through with a good therapist. I think you may be surprised by how beneficial that can be. I have done it myself. If you truly feel that you are repeatedly being rejected, then that is something to explore. Just be careful about jumping to conclusions like "people don't like nice guys" or "someone who doesn't respond to me is a narcissist" You may also like to reflect on the difference between a rejection and a disappointment. The latter feels different, right? I sent a happy birthday message to a girl I liked and she didn't respond. I am disappointed because I would have liked to hear from her. I'll be disappointed for a while and then I'll move on. OR She didn't respond because she rejected me....Everyone rejects me....She's a narcissist who doesn't care about others. Two very different ways of thinking.

"I've summed my feelings up to be and really haven't articulated them well at all until now, and still don't know if I'll be able to get out of this cycle"
Thank you again for sharing your truth! That's no small feat! You say you had not delineated things like this until now. That is a very valuable and important step in progressing. That bodes very well for getting out of this cycle you mention. The only guarantee that things will not get better is if you tell yourself they won't...self-fulfilling prophecy.

Just my thoughts. Feel free to take them or leave them...no offense taken
I continue to wish you peace, hope, and a bright future. Do something nice for yourself today, just because.

Ps. I love your Disney quote and profile name.
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Default May 04, 2019 at 12:56 PM
  #18
I think life requires a combination of niceness and fight. Fight sometimes/ often means being assertive with myself about my goals and self-care. Fight means perseverance. Fight means asking myself "what can I learn here" rather than "why are people treating me so mean".

Niceness with boundaries is another important combination, just in my personal experience.

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oh god I am struggling today, help me to remember how to stay connected and human!

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Default May 04, 2019 at 10:38 PM
  #19
Hi @SilverTrees,

Thank you as well for putting up with me and taking so much time to help repair some of the brokenness in my life. And thanks for the compliment of my signature and profile! The profile name comes from a Led Zeppelin song indeed known as “Dazed and Confused”, with 254 always having a special meaning. D&C is what I was before finding PC! The quote’s one of my favs, my family and I are huge Disney fans and the quote even holds a more symbolic meaning when they asked for it to be included in my senior HS yearbook.

Don’t worry about the long replies and wealth of information. This is some of the most important and helpful encouragement that I’ve received, and since my therapist has been out of town moving her mother to our hometown I’ve had a block of a few weeks where she’s out of the office. In regards to how I’ve handled stress it’s a mixed bag. I’ve discovered an arsenal of coping techniques like taking bubble baths at the end of the day, and through the strategy of distraction. Let’s say I keep worrying about an upcoming exam or deadline. I don’t deny that it’s imminent but I still take time to replace heavy-handed thoughts and a fast pace with more light-hearted topics/tasks (cleaning house, puppy videos) before pushing myself any harder to figure things out on my own. But when it comes to the negative strategies, I tend to compare myself with others. I’ll compare how others may handle a problem better than me. I’ll compare myself to others who seem to have it better than me with dating. And then if I’m tired, worried, or out-of-whack I’ll often think or speak badly (of course not to their face), especially in a situation where my anxious mind encounters a perceived threat, whether it be annoyed about my dating situation or having a crisis at work. It’s often a strategy (albeit fruitless) to regain any perceived loss of power.

When it comes to the “all my fault” it’s been an ongoing thing for much of my life, but it’s gotten worse being a part of an abusive church. In a nutshell the theology was similar to an early episode of The Simpsons where the main minister of the show’s city Springfield, Rev Lovejoy makes a snide remark to the overly contrite neighbor of the titular characters, Ned Flanders: “Even going to the bathroom can be considered a sin”. My desire to conform to the crowd at what I originally believed to be a decent group to not get sucked into the typical party mentality (not to distract from education) ended up imposing an atmosphere of scrupulosity and lack of diversity. There have been a few people along who would help me address my struggles or worries arising from perceived flaws but more often than not I would get criticized or ignored. And it got to the point where I was walking on eggshells to avoid irritating someone or having problems with them. Further adding to my insecurities with women was the notion that men were aggressive and dangerous animals, so interactions between genders were very limited and regulated to a tee. I battle the potential thought of being an undeserving pig daily. Then when I went to California for a summer intern after my involvement with this group it was difficult to relate to anybody after wasting several years of my life for that church’s cause and my bosses and a few leaders of my intern group exploited my ever-worsening anxiety by constant criticism on my performance, even with small things like misunderstanding the intern’s regulations. And with both of those situations came so-called social leaders, the former with student leaders of that organization and the latter being the bosses and so-called extroverts/social climbers of my intern, who were the most vocal and seemed to set the standards and most authority in the group. So since that time in my life I’ve become more suspicious of other’s intentions, and afraid to even connect with people, even those close to me. When I've opened up to people I looked up to I got hurt. That’s where it all began and then some, the process of internalizing trauma, comparison and becoming increasingly cynical. But I whole-heartedly believe that I've found a channel here to share my feelings, hear others' out, and not be judged since my whirlwind began.

I’ve re-read your post over and over again, particularly the discussion of rejection vs disappointment, as it really hit home to me. Taking more common sense into account I really think I am more disappointed than anything else. With my 6 years of college, I’ve both matured and achieved self-discovery of my niche and passions. Everybody in my family/close friends group have noticed the positive effects of my education, commenting that I work well with people under the right circumstances and I’m genuinely enjoying and pursuing my fields of interest. On the contrary, what has defined my disappointment these past 6 years was the expectation to have more quality friends in college compared to high school, as was the case with my parents (went to same uni as me) but the complete opposite ended up being the case, particularly with the spiritual abuse that came with a deceiving group of “friends”. Even social groups outside the abusive one seemed superficial outside the usual group meetings. I also made the mistake of choosing quantity over quality out of desperation to make friends, further leaving me bitter about my uni years and the people within it. On the other hand when it comes to the opposite gender, I’ve not had any successful relationships so far, and the people who I came close to connecting with romantically “put me in the friend zone” or I was not at all attracted to them (physically or mentally). I’m forever embarrassed when I asked out that old crush 3 years ago only to find out she started dating that same BF she’s with now. She was the only one who I clicked with before she saw someone else and that chance is never going to come again. More recently, as mentioned, a couple of friends seemed to lose all common sense and any sense of a balance when they starting reaching the milestones of dating and marriage. Even when I’ve talked to people I know like my parents or close friends they come up short on helpful advice or say something like “it must be your weight, what you're saying etc.”, leaving me to believe the lie that love is based on shallow, generalized traits. And that’s without a doubt been my story since I’ve even been old enough to date, so that’s also how I’ve been eaten up by the predators known as social conditioning and feeling unlovable.

EDIT: The death of my Uncle Jack in 2008 was just about the hardest thing I had to pursue in life, especially for someone who was barely a teen at the time. In a pensive moment I also realize this tragedy still has haunted me, as I not only lost someone who I frequently saw and was close to, he was one of the last in my family to share his last name with future generations. Since then it seems now all the weight's on me to keep my family tree going. It's a terrible and selfish way for me to cope with that loss but that tragedy has resulted in both a loss and all the more pressure to date, hence my insecurities to follow.

It’s going to take a long time for me to come out of that rabbit hole. But I can say this thread, and your responses in particular, have been the upmost of helpfulness in speaking truth into the bogus I’ve become conditioned to believe. After the last few years of seemingly finding vague and unhelpful answers from society’s social conditioning and even my own support group, you, and everybody else here have without a doubt been the most helpful in tackling my fears head on. I really appreciate you and speaking truth and new perspectives over me, Silver Trees!

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Last edited by DazedandConfused254; May 05, 2019 at 02:21 AM..
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Default May 04, 2019 at 10:38 PM
  #20
@saidso: Thanks for replying! Always good hearing from you. As I’ve apparently learned in my interactions with people it’s not all a Candy Land. There are some good parts, but of course there’s the toxic, rude, and inconsiderate. And in the same vein, our interactions require a combo of both “niceness” and assertiveness.

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