advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
noenergy
New Member
noenergy has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: Delaware
Posts: 7
3 yr Member
3 hugs
given
Question Jun 08, 2019 at 10:08 AM
  #1
New member here.

Quick life history:

Grew up in a midwest college town, lived a leave it to beaver life. Graduated college, followed my dreams and worked at ski resorts in Colorado and northern California, then a summer of commercial salmon fishing in Alaska. Moved back to the midwest, couldn't find a job in my field, joined the USAF as a crew member on a big cargo jet. Flew around the world for 10 years. Got married, started a sales/tech business, made about $150K a year. Wife divorced me stole my kids, started a 4 year court battle, I came down with a heart issue, business fell apart, I'm now middle aged and about $100K in debt.

I'm now a single dad with 100% custody of my two daughters 8 and 12, because their mother did some bad things and lost them.

I just can't get myself to work any more, I'm self employed, I sleep in till noon, I only work a few days a week and a few hours a day, I used to work 12 hour days 7 days a week and now it takes two hours just to get up the energy to look at my email from the day before. My energy levels are extremely low, my motivation is non-existent.

I'm depressed and on Lexipro, I start seeing a new VA shrink next week.

I'm happiest when sleeping.
I used to have a million hobbies, now I watch netflix and eat.

I have two young daughters, I force myself to make them breakfast, drive them to school, but then I come home and sleep. I set my alarm for 3:00 pm and again force myself to pick them up at school, bring them home, feed them, make sure they get their homework done and fall asleep with them watching kid shows on Netflix.

On weekends I take them biking, hiking, fishing or to the local beach for a few hours, but other than that, I'm usually sleeping.

This is no way to live. Where can I get some extra energy and motivation?
noenergy is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous49426, hvert, Travelinglady

advertisement
Travelinglady
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Travelinglady's Avatar
Travelinglady is feeling tired.
 
Member Since: Sep 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 47,786 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
22.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 08, 2019 at 07:26 PM
  #2
I think your doctor will be able to come up with a medication that will help. Hang in there! I think a therapist would help, too.
Travelinglady is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Rose76
Legendary
 
Rose76's Avatar
Rose76 Treading water.
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 12,404 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
5,302 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 09, 2019 at 05:30 AM
  #3
Have you thought about filing for bankruptcy? It's hard to feel motivated to work, if you think it's all going to go to creditors.

The lifestyle you once had is gone and, probably, not retrievable. It's normal to seriously grieve that. That income level, however, is not an essential ingredient to make a life worth living.

You're lonely. I'll bet the girls are sweethearts, but you need some "peer" companionship. You're not going to enjoy stopping at the watering holes that attract people who make 6-figure incomes. What would you talk about? So explore a different social stratum. Good people can be found at every income level. See if there is a program of physical rehab for cardiac patients at one of the exercise facilities in your area. Near me, a big hospital operates it's own fitness center with supervised training programs for heart patients. That would get 2 birds with one stone: some physical reconditioning and some opportunity to mingle with others who have had a similar health setback. Commonality of experience is a great ice breaker and basis for bonding. A supervised program is ideal because it provides structure, which you sorely need right now. If nothing like that exists where you are, try to approximate it. Nowadays, your local Y is apt to have a fitness/safety coach in the weight room. Start small. Commit to just 45 minutes twice a week. (I know it's easier said than done.)

There is no place where you can go and pick up a quart of motivation. Here's the secret: the motivation kicks in only after you force yourself to do something. (Every self-help book on depression tells us that. It's kind of annoying to hear that message, but it's a fundamental truth.)

Here's another trite saying worth you pondering: "Better to be a has-been, than a never-was." You've got quite a wealth of experience that no one can take away from you. That is all asset. Once you get the ball rolling, a lot comes easier to you than to someone who never got an education, served in the military, or founded a business. Every community has vacant leadership positions. Volunteer with the political party of your choice. I know you need to make some money, but don't be afraid to donate some time, gratis. Watching Netflix isn't paying you anything.

I'm sorry you've gotten such tough breaks and have gotten several all at once. I think most people would be overwhelmed. Sounds like you're fathering those girls responsibly and even with joy to some extent. I commend you on having your priorities well-ordered.

There's a philosophy that says that people are only doing all that they are capable of doing at any point in time and space, given what their background has formed in them. Maybe it's true. It would be a good way to regard your ex-wife. Evidently, she has really screwed up. How much of that was really under her control takes divine intelligence to analyze and evaluate. (Over your spiritual pay-grade.) So let go of the bitterness - for your own sake . . . and for the mental health of those girls who are burdened with knowing: "Mom's a loser." You sound too smart to climb on the "my ex ruined my life" bandwagon. It is empowering to believe that you make your life.

Celebrate the little victories you'll have, like showering and dressing right off in the morning. It's okay for progress to be made in small increments. Tell us how you make out.
Rose76 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
noenergy
New Member
noenergy has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: Delaware
Posts: 7
3 yr Member
3 hugs
given
Default Jun 09, 2019 at 10:20 AM
  #4
Two ot the things that don't go away with bankruptcy are IRS bills and child support Those make up the bulk of my debt.

If you're a person who really wants to screw over your soon to be ex, make the same income as they do until 2 years before your divorce, then just quit working. The court only looks at your last two years of income and sticks the bulk of the bills on the partner making more. I didn't owe child support because my ex couldn't make an income or because I was the sole bread-winner. The other lesson I learned was under no circumstances just let one partner take the kids and wait for the court or police to settle it. While waiting 6 months for the court and police to get my kids back, the bulk of my child support payments built up. The courts allow one parent to kidnap kids and charge the other parent ransom.

Another lesson, if you're the first parent to file the taxes each year, you can claim all the kids even if you don't have them or have shared custody. This is a hard learned lesson because I let my ex do it to me two years in a row and it cost me an additional $4000 in taxes.

You are correct, I can't blame my ex for everything, but I can certainly blame her for changing the direction and course of my life, how I chose to deal with it was my decision.

I tried last year to improve my situation, started jogging a few miles each day and lifting weights, did it for about 4 months and lost about 35 lbs but got tired of it.

I've always been a bit of an antisocial hermit. I can be a salesperson when I need to be, but I don't enjoy it.

I'd really like to just make a small pile of money, pay off all my bills, build a small solar house in Oregon, with views of mountains and a body of water and tinker on old classic cars and grow a garden.
noenergy is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Rose76
Rose76
Legendary
 
Rose76's Avatar
Rose76 Treading water.
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 12,404 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
5,302 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 09, 2019 at 04:44 PM
  #5
I understand about the debt. Your hoped for solution, as stated in the last sentence, falls under the heading of day dreaming. You're allowed to day dream. It's not a bad thing. It can even inspire some constructive action. But you have to critique your own thinking. Can you go and "just make a small pile of money?" Your day-to-day expenditures may leave you with nothing to build a "pile" out of. So you may have to accept living with unresolved debt for quite a good, long while.

I understand you yearning for a chance to make a fresh start. That may not be an option. Being an antisocial hermit probably had a lot to do with how your life went off the rails. You have needs for human connectedness like everyone else. This woman came along and seemed like she'ld fulfill them. I suspect you were vulnerable, due to the hermit status. She was a wrong person to get involved with. We make mistakes - all of us. Find a fitness activity that you do with others, not alone.

Your last sentence sounds like you think it's not asking for too much. You use the word "small" twice. Actually, that is far, far from a modest goal. What you are envisioning would be a huge accomplishment. People work awful hard for a long time to make something like that come true. Formulate a more short-term goal. Can you start a little garden where you are at now? You build motivation for long-term goals by having some success at some short-term goals. Losing that 35 pounds was quite a nice, little victory. It shows you can stick to something. Sustaining effort is the challenge. (For me too.)

Fight the hermit tendency. Believe it or not, that may have set you up for grief. Find a way to get connected to others in your community. Just do it. You are isolated and lonely. You need others to help you get where you want to go.
Rose76 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
noenergy
 
Thanks for this!
noenergy
seesaw
Human
 
seesaw's Avatar
seesaw grieving
 
Member Since: Apr 2014
Location: Home
Posts: 8,341 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,262 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 09, 2019 at 11:19 PM
  #6
I am a big proponent of making sure you've been fully checked out physically by a doctor before jumping to a depression diagnosis and lots of meds. I'm not denying that you feel depressed or have depression. But the fatigue you're talking about deserves to be checked out medically.

If it really is depression causing so much fatigue, one thing I would suggest is looking into TMS, transcranial magnetic stimulation. It's not like ECT, it's very mild, I myself underwent it, and it was helpful for returning to work. Didn't fix everything but was helpful. However, insurance usually wants you deemed treatment resistant before they'll cover it.

The biggest thing in helping me through depressed periods was forcing myself to maintain a routine and schedule and not allowing myself to fall into the trap of sleeping 24 hours a day. I would even schedule myself "depression time" so that I would just have 2 hours in my day where I could lay in bed and be depressed. That may sound odd but it was like I had to just work around the very severe depression I had but still wanted to live a life. And I assure you I was completely disabled by PTSD and depression. Was even on SSDI for it.

It's hard when it's at it's worse because no amount of wanting to get up and do things will change it. So therapy and meds seem to be the route. I still would really stress getting a full physical before assuming the tiredness is depression. My underlying health condition got written off as depression for years and now I'm finally getting a real diagnosis that might help resolve or manage things better.

Good luck and welcome!

Seesaw

__________________


What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly?

Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder
Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia.

Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien

Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less...
seesaw is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
noenergy
 
Thanks for this!
noenergy
noenergy
New Member
noenergy has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: Delaware
Posts: 7
3 yr Member
3 hugs
given
Default Jun 10, 2019 at 09:41 AM
  #7
My daughters and I do have a little garden, mostly tomatoes and beans this year all grown from seed. I get sidetracked so easily these days. Today I was supposed to go finish a contractor job I'm working on, but got stuck replying to a 40 page court document I just got served, I'm a real estate agent as well and had to reply to a buyer who is wondering why the seller is not making the required repairs to go to settlement on time, then had to call the seller and ask him to get his butt in gear. Yesterday I should have replaced the front brake pads in my truck, but I watched TV with the kids and slept all day instead. I've got an hour and a half before I have to go to a house walkthrough for a sale, so it's not enough time to go from contractor mode in Carhartts and a work truck to a suit and the family car, so the contractor work won't be getting finished today. My daughters graduate from fifth and second grade tomorrow so no more free childcare during the day. Thursday it's off to family court in the morning and VA heart appointment in the afternoon, Friday is a meeting with my new VA shrink. Busy week.
noenergy is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Catrionn
Member
 
Catrionn's Avatar
Catrionn has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2017
Location: U.S.
Posts: 25
5 yr Member
25 hugs
given
Default Jun 10, 2019 at 09:48 AM
  #8
Just a question: When you were working seven days a week, 12-hour days - do you think that’s a normal, healthy amount of time to work?
Catrionn is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
noenergy
New Member
noenergy has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: Delaware
Posts: 7
3 yr Member
3 hugs
given
Default Jun 10, 2019 at 10:19 AM
  #9
It was certainly not a healthy amount to work, but when you're self employed it's pretty common. When we did go on vacations we went big. two week trips to the BVI on a 47 foot Catamaran with me as the captain sailing from Island to Island, Ski trips to Breckenridge staying slopeside in fancy condos....

I'm certainly not saying to feel sorry for me, I saw and did a lot before I fell into this funk. I thought I had a pretty good life and I know there are millions of people worse off than myself. I've got a friend from College who was a self made millionaire, owned big 60 foot yachts, had a beautiful house, beautiful wife, great kids and a golden retriever and now he's living in a homeless shelter outside of Detroit due to his alcohol abuse.

I know I control myself and I'm the one to blame for most of my current situation, it's just hard to find energy and motivation. I was never lazy when I was younger, now it's pretty much all I am.
noenergy is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Rose76
Legendary
 
Rose76's Avatar
Rose76 Treading water.
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 12,404 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
5,302 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 10, 2019 at 11:26 AM
  #10
As suggested above, you should see a physician and explain that you are very depressed. The doctor will send you for a few blood tests and then probably prescribe you an antidepressant. These pills aren't magic. But some antidepressant medication might give you somewhat of a boost. See if there is a local chapter of DBSA in your area and check out a meeting. (DBSA = Depression Bipolar Support Alliance) Good for you on the tomatoes and beans. Your daughters will remember all their lives doing this with you.

Try doing this. Set a kitchen timer for 30 minutes, after telling yourself that you'll be constructively active for those 30 minutes. Tell yourself that you'll go lie down when the bell rings. I do this myself when I'm really low.

At some point, it comes down to you making yourself do what you don't feel like doing. If you decide you'll get going once you have some motivation, you'll never get going. Any self-help book will tell you: momentum comes after you get the ball rolling. Will power does factor in. This is sad news when you feel depression has robbed you of any trace of will power. Your will is like a muscle. It has atrophied. You have to rehabilitate it. Make little conquests of mind over matter.
Rose76 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
noenergy
 
Thanks for this!
noenergy, seesaw
Catrionn
Member
 
Catrionn's Avatar
Catrionn has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2017
Location: U.S.
Posts: 25
5 yr Member
25 hugs
given
Default Jun 11, 2019 at 01:39 PM
  #11
I don’t think you’re “lazy,” I think you’re in a lot of pain. When your mind is doing bad things to you, it becomes incredibly hard to do even the smallest, most basic things.
Catrionn is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Rose76
hvert
Grand Magnate
 
hvert's Avatar
hvert has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2014
Location: US
Posts: 4,887
10 yr Member
3,785 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 11, 2019 at 02:13 PM
  #12
I wonder if it would help to acknowledge that you are doing more than you give yourself credit for. You are taking care of your kids. You're reading court documents and showing up. You're going to appointments. Depression and lack of energy can be caused by heart problems so it's really good you are seeing your heart doctor.

Kind of random, but you might check out a book called 'Executive Toughness.' I recently read it and have found it extremely helpful in breaking my own patterns of inactivity. I am also a huge fan of timers like Rose76 suggested. I'll even set timers for 5 minutes on some projects because that's all I feel like I can cope with. Momentum is so important.
hvert is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Rose76
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 02:50 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.