A hypothesis I had about my mental health

NarcolepticRage · Sep 06, 2019 at 04:41 AM

I had random idea I had pop into my head while I was in the shower (In an Archimedes moment &#129322

and quickly wrote it down before I lost it as I have ADHD, PTSD and numerous other trauma and phobia related issues which have been problematic in the effectiveness of my short term memory and the medications I'm on appears to have exacerbated the issue but I am currently only in my early stages of using the meds, so it's a wait and see situation.

However, due to my laziness and the struggle of making and editing my posts on my mobile phone and am just going to copy and paste the original document in a different colour:

It dawned on me just now where I have this different concept of the noise in my head and the conscience of negativity.

You know how people develop a multiple personality disorder to cope with a trauma.
What if I started to develop a second personality but it went wrong. Kind of like the conjoined twins of a personality.
Most people who have multiple personality disorder tend to not be aware of their second personality until it is shown to them, but in my case, the barrier, or cage I have been referring to was supposed to be the barrier to make us ignorant of each other but because the split never really did what it was supposed to do and over time I got used to the second personality and took it for granted as what I perceived as a conscience. Like a person who is colour blind not knowing he is colour blind because he took what he saw as the same as what everyone else saw.

Multiple personality disorder is supposed to be a coping mechanism where the primary withdraws while a more suitable personality kicks in when under severe stress.

With the increasing intensity of stress I undergo I have noticed that my conscience tries to be dominant and my mind struggles to remain in control. Like the transition is trying to occur but the “mutation” causes the system to malfunction and triggers the destructive nature of the mental breakdowns I have.

It also makes sense in the fact that the dark in me is what I want to be. The opposite of what I am and why each wants the other destroyed as we both perceive the other as the wrongness. Like an organ transplant going into rejection without the right medication.
The organ is there to keep you alive but the body sees it as a threat and tries to destroy the organ, not realising that the act would actually kill the host.
The noise or the static it the connection between the two personalities of two different wavelengths interfering with each other like an analogue radio signal where it is supposed to be two parts of the brain working in harmony.
It also can go to explain why, despite my IQ and problem solving abilities I can be slower than most and can have trouble with some things like grammar but suck at math but if I am in a situation where math has to be used on a regular basis my grammar goes up to ****.

The second personality is using up too much of my brain’s resources. Like a computer with bloatware or malware. The second personality should be in sleep mode while the primary is in control to save on the resources but because the both have become intertwined with each other and constantly in conflict my mind is always running the 2 process at 100%, not only that, the mind has to use even more resources to cancel out the conflicting processes.

This can go to explain the headaches and the sudden waves of being tired but as I start to doze off I suddenly don’t feel tired.
Like a CPU throttling when it overheats but as it gets cool enough, the turbo kicks in in an attempt to do its job at maximum efficiency.

My mind has always been at odds with itself and this idea is the most sensible one I have come with to date that covers nearly all of my other “malfunctions” and physical side effects.

The antidepressants don’t work because the blocked chemical receptors means my brain has to work even harder, hence why my physical side effects become more severe. It can even go on to explain why my brain reacts so differently to everyone else when I am on most recreational drugs. My brain adapted to the two processes and wired it differently. Having PTSD is a prime example of that. An actual, physical biological change in the wiring to enlarge the fear section of the brain as a survival mechanism for prey to be better able to react faster than the predator. In both fight and flight, hence why the different circumstances behind PTSD yields different results despite the biological changes appearing identical.

Now it sounds crazy but to me, it seems to make sense and my counselor says that she believes that it is a sound hypothesis and has suggested that I should run it by the psychologist that has been prescribing my meds to see what he thinks about what I wrote down. I just wanted to see if anyone who has some real knowledge on the matter to offer their opinion on the matter. I cannot offer the details behind the root of my mental health problems as my recent sessions have uncovered that the circumstances are many, wildly vary and they span well over 2 decades. In short "It's a long story."

I just want to know how solid this theory hypothesis is or if it is just a stupid thought?

I am currently having several professionals trying to give as accurate assessment of my mental health with even more specialists being called in to find out exactly what conditions I have as I have many and as such can be misdiagnosed due to my many different symptoms can fall into other conditions I may not have but could give me the impression of having those disorders.

It has been a long and very worrying process for myself, friends, family and professionals involved. There is even debate on whether I should really be allowed to be able to freely move about without supervision as I am a very rational minded person who has relied very heavily on my rationalisation to keep my s#@t together but I have also slipped into manic episodes that preceded suicidal mental breakdowns in which this voice in the corner of my mind, which is far more hostile and destructive vies for dominence so have had to fight even harder to maintain my grip on reality as I am very much aware of my delusions but during my mental breaks, the line between delusions and reality become very blurry and the struggle is actually physically painful with headaches along with the chest pains of my anxiety and panic attacks over the fear of losing myself to insanity.

It is my need to protect those around me that gives me the strength to fight because that other part of me genuinely frightens me of the possibility of having to face the outcome of what might happen if I have one of the blackouts that I used to have in my late teens again.

I have managed to successfully yet silently battled my mental health problems due to other delusions that would have, by definition classified me as clinically insane. Now, due to counceling, therapy and my research due to my insatiable and unending curiosity along with my need to always learn new things through self education and reading, I guess I am not currently insane.

However due to the delusional nature of my condition, I have on many occasions fallen victim to misinformation and have slipped into insanity. So much so that people have actually stated that I am insane but I haven't lost myself to my breakdowns yet apart from one occasion two months ago so I am putting in any and all effort I can muster and am throwing it into identifying and discussing my findings in the hopes of accelerating my final diagnosis so that I can start the healing process before any more damage is done through lack of action, which has also served to contribute to the deterioration of my state of mind due to the misfortune of my biology making me a highly emotional person, that had taken a great deal of effort in my early life to keep under control.

I believe that the portion of the hightenened emotions coupled with my multiple traumatic events has eventuated in the partial personification of what I call "the darkness" that I have metaphorically locked away in the back of my mind and has in recent years been gaining more freedom and dominence.

Any helpful feedback would be appreciated. I am open to discussing this matter and answering any questions in relation to this post that I may have missed or for further clarification on the topic.
I also have been documenting my thoughts during my episodes or have been attempting to uncover the forgotten memories of my past to get to the root of my issues and might be willing to divulge and quote them if I believe that it is safe to do so and I am allowed to as some of my manic episodes do involve terms and topics that may be offensive. If I do accidentally post that material, I would appreciate that it is pointed out, even if the posts are taken down so that I am able to better offer explainations without offence in future posts without unintended conflict and don't have to be so heavily monitored by the moderators.

I am an Australian who has lived the majority of his life in the uncivilized outback so my way of speaking is a bit rough to other cultures since we are a people who use words that are viewed as insults in other countries which are terms of endearment or are complementary so I am really trying to avoid that culture shock that I have witnessed on many an occasion on the internet.

Basically, despite my best efforts, I might slip up but anything I say has never been or will ever be intended as and insult or derogatory remark. (I might put that in my profile &#129300

I also have an obsessive compulsion to over explain things in the written word once I get started. 😒 (sorry)

Thanks in advance.

Mendingmysoul · Sep 07, 2019 at 09:48 AM

I am amazed at your capacity in explaining your feelings in words.I could never do it.I can talk about a lot of topics,but when it came to my emotions and feelings,I do not have a clue.Hugs.

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A hypothesis I had about my mental health

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Mendingmysoul Grand Member Member Since Aug 2019 Location: Here Posts: 907 4 807 hugs given	Sep 07, 2019 at 09:48 AM #2 I am amazed at your capacity in explaining your feelings in words.I could never do it.I can talk about a lot of topics,but when it came to my emotions and feelings,I do not have a clue.Hugs.
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