Moral Injuries - Trauma

Possible trigger warning***

I'm new here. I decided to post in a few places, including here.

I wanted to ask if anyone has experienced moral injury (being made to do something that is unethical, wrong, etc.) and received treatments for it. What would the treatments be?

In my own life, from childhood to young adulthood (I'm now middle-aged), I didn't have the best resources to turn to in times of need and support. Without going into specifics, I had dealt with moral injuries coupled with trauma victimization. As a young person made to keep quiet about traumas that not only happened to me, but also to others, I felt this moral injury of silence - out of fear of being revictimized again and again. I know that the perpetrators are at fault for instilling that fear, so I try not to guilt myself, but the shame I feel after having kept secrets or being made to do things I really didn't want to do (and wouldn't have done without that fear, predatory grooming, etc.). Nevertheless, it isn't who I am, yet my intrusive thoughts from past traumatic experiences tell me different. I fight those thoughts with tools I learned a while back from trauma-informed CBT and other therapeutic modalities, yet there are some unspeakable things that plague me - especially when I try to see myself as a productive member of society, albeit disabled.

Furthermore, what is also less discussed in the therapy room, apart from moral injuries, are the traumatic losses that resulted from traumatic experiences, including moral injury trauma. For example, I've suffered from career losses, social capital losses, financial losses, physical health losses, reputation losses, etc. When we think about feeling stuck or wondering why PTSD-based and other symptom-based treatments aren't hitting every aspect of our lives, perhaps it's the moral injuries and trauma-related losses that need attending to.

I've tried to do a lot of self-healing since many therapists aren't trained in those modalities, or consider "unconventional" grief and loss issues to be more "trivial," thereby stigmatizing and undermining our pain. This caused ruptures in treatment for me, and sparked my passion to look into these areas for my own personal healing agenda. I've looked at the literature on both moral injuries and unconventional losses and found that many people who have experienced these two things have (1) traumatic histories and (2) distress. Beyond the underlying theories such as "learned helplessness" and "complex grief" and "conditioning" and "loci of control and responsibility," I've also looked at my pain through holistic and existential lenses. Through those lenses I found that (1) the perpetrators inflicted those harms, (2) we have the power to take our lives back by reinventing who we are and asserting post-traumatic growth and empathy in understanding others who have experienced similar post-traumatic sequelae, and (3) we have the power to make meaning of our experiences through positive psychology. I've also learned from those experiences to see the red flags in those who are on the wrong path, to find power in numbers with ethical/healthy and/or healing others, to reconstruct my recollection of those events - even if I have a hard time believing it at first - by seeing myself in a complex situation and doing the best I could at the hands of an offender. I've also learned about offenders, their untreated past ills that led them to potentially be victim-offenders or plain out offenders who have learned to do wrong and get rewarded for it at other victims' expenses. I've re-framed my thinking of "they win" whenever I feel defeated, helpless, afraid, etc., to "it's not about winning or losing when it comes to victimization" (that's what's in the minds of the offenders, and that's sadly what we've implicitly learned, but it isn't true). Instead, it's about offenders doing something harmful to us, and about hope in healing from those experiences. To me, I'd rather feel saddened by the fact that any human being could stoop so low, and I'd rather see them find the help they need to not do that anymore. If so, more power to them, as long as they are truly remorseful and repentant, or if antisocial, then at least an understanding of remorse (without the feeling, but with the cognition) and a genuine level of reform the betterment of not only society, but also themselves. They, too, may have moral injuries, but not in the way we survivors of victimization feel empathy (because they may lack the ability for empathy and being ethical altogether). Still, when I think about my own moral injuries, it makes me feel like I'm like the perpetrators when I'm reminded through intrusive thoughts and flashback memories about the things they made me do to them, to myself, to another victim in the room, and from another victim being made to do something to me in the room. Childhood maltreatment, military trauma, spiritual abuse, workplace violence, intimate partner violence, therapy abuse, and many other traumatic experiences are replete with some level of toxicity, coercion, moral injury, and traumatic (unconventional) loss. I really don't want those experiences to define me, stigmatize me, or cause further losses. These are not necessarily complex grief issues insofar that holding onto grief for longer than necessary is unhealthy, but rather losses that are tantamount to continuous traumatic stress (as opposed to "post" traumatic stress). These losses are ongoing in a society that is replete with microaggression trauma, stigmas that traumatized, and discrimination. Discrimination comes from fear, and that fear is not protective for either the skeptical outside observer or the victims they judge unfairly. I don't want to be defined by my victimization experiences, and I don't want others to define me by that either. What I really want is a safer place to live, a future, and a here-and-now life - a life we all deserve. What I really want is a strong supportive network, a legacy I can leave behind for my daughter, healthy friends, and a career (despite my disability, but empowered by the disabilities and traumatic experiences I currently hold).

Despite my positive take on these things, I still want to cry, be believed, feel supported, and be encouraged as I move forward. I'm hoping that I'm not alone in the moral injuries and traumatic losses I had mentioned above. I'm hoping that there's answers that I perhaps didn't find in the literature or in treatment. I'm hoping that there will be more professional healers to help us with those things, kind of like part of trauma-informed practices, but also like Judith Herman's last phase of reconnecting with community after having went through the phase of remembering and mourning. I've learned enough coping skills to know that I'm ready for the remembering and mourning, even if it isn't directed by a therapist. I'm alone in the second phase, and I suspect many others are as well, but I don't know why. It almost seems as if the second phase is wiped off the mat in treatment modalities and phase one (safety and coping skills) is quickly traversed to phase three (connecting with the community). There's something missing in-between, in my humble opinion. And I think it's what I'm experiencing and have experienced for a while now - the trauma-related losses that I need to grieve over, in addition to the remembering and mourning of traumatic experiences, including moral injuries. Making sense with a logical, coherent map of what happened to me really helps me to see what it is I'm struggling with, why I struggle with it, and how to ask for help to move forward.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Yes, I COMPLETELY agree with what the WISE AND WONDERFUL Skeezyks has already WISELY AND WONDERFULLY SAID BETTER THAN I POSSIBLY EVER COULD IN MY ENTIRE AND WHOLE LIFE! Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your story, @lillib! This is a WONDERFUL post, I swear! I AM TRULY DEEPLY SORRY THAT YOU'RE HURTING AND STRUGGLING SO BADLY AND THAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH ALL OF THIS ALL AND ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN AND ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF! I TRULY, REALLY AM! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF AND ALL AND ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS! KEEP IT UP NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF AND ALL AND ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN, OK? WE'RE ALL HERE FOR YOU! I PROMISE YOU THAT! YOU CAN REST ASSURED OF THAT! I haven't had much experience on this subject myself, I'd say luckily so. However, I'm aware that many other people DID and are still currently fighting with it. I hope they'll see this thread and reply to you! In The Meantime, If You Want Someone To Just LISTEN WITHOUT JUDGING, I Am Here For You! I PROMISE YOU THAT! YOU CAN REST ASSURED OF THAT! Sending Many Safe, Warm Hugs To BOTH You, @lillib, Your Family, Your Friends, Your Daughter, Your Therapists, Your Doctors, ALL Of The People You TRULY Love And Accept For WHO THEY TRULY ARE WHO ALSO Love You And Accept You For WHO YTOU TRULY ARE and ALL Of Your Loved Ones! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING AND PLEASE NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER GIVE UP HOPE NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS! I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY that you're HURTING AND STRUGGLING SO BADLY and that you're GOING THROUGH ALL OF THIS ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF AND ALL AND ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN! I TRULY, REALLY AM! Take WONDERFUL care of yourself AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?

Thank you!

Your words are really encouraging!

I look forward to meeting more people here.

Welcome @lillib

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Originally Posted by lillib Furthermore, what is also less discussed in the therapy room, apart from moral injuries, are the traumatic losses that resulted from traumatic experiences, including moral injury trauma. For example, I've suffered from career losses, social capital losses, financial losses, physical health losses, reputation losses, etc. When we think about feeling stuck or wondering why PTSD-based and other symptom-based treatments aren't hitting every aspect of our lives, perhaps it's the moral injuries and trauma-related losses that need attending to.

Can you share more on trauma-related losses and moral injuries without using your own specifics(in order for me to be sensitive to you I didnt want you to have to share personal stuff that could trigger).
My alcoholism which was one of many things that grew out of trauma caused me to do and say and act immorally and do unethical things. I have made amends for those things and try and live an honest life now. I too have suffered all sorts of losses similar to the ones you mentioned and I am sure others as well and I am trying to see how they relate specifically to the trauma as you mentioned. Without getting into my own garbage I am trying to see how certain traumas would have then affected my years later with jobs or other losses. Can you share so I understand better?

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I've tried to do a lot of self-healing since many therapists aren't trained in those modalities, or consider "unconventional" grief and loss issues to be more "trivial," thereby stigmatizing and undermining our pain.

I cant stand this. Pain is pain. Nothing is trivial they can go F themselves.

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Beyond the underlying theories such as "learned helplessness" and "complex grief" and "conditioning" and "loci of control and responsibility,"

I am unfamiliar with these theories. If you have an easy read link and dont mind sharing I'll read up on it.

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These are not necessarily complex grief issues insofar that holding onto grief for longer than necessary is unhealthy, but rather losses that are tantamount to continuous traumatic stress (as opposed to "post" traumatic stress). These losses are ongoing in a society that is replete with microaggression trauma, stigmas that traumatized, and discrimination.

Can you expound on this as well?

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Despite my positive take on these things, I still want to cry, be believed, feel supported, and be encouraged as I move forward. I'm hoping that I'm not alone in the moral injuries and traumatic losses I had mentioned above. I'm hoping that there's answers that I perhaps didn't find in the literature or in treatment.

You are not alone and I feel like I am on the brink of understanding what you mean and maybe also in the same boat as you.

@sarahsweets ...

Hi. I am new and still getting used to posting.

I just saw your reply. I am so sorry you went through those things.

Moral injury has many definitions, and your example represents one of them. I am sorry you dealt with that.

...T

The definition I was referring to can be explained as follows. Say, for instance, a child was asked by his neglectful mother to steal for her, that would be a moral injury as well. Now say a sibling was told to punish another sibling, that would be another example.

It gets more complex when the directives are elusive. For instance, a manipulative perp threatens his sex crime victim to make more money by any means necessary, so then she not only sells her body for sex, but she also steals. Another example is workplace violence, where a bad boss creates a toxic and competitive environment, asks you questions about other coworkers that could get them demoted or fired, and then tells you to spy on them. All of those directives from people in power are unethical at best, criminal at worst. You then experience moral injury when you feel convicted about something you did that you would have never done without fear, coersion, etc.

Then imagine that you get caught. Your record, reputation tarnished. Your future job prospects and careers lost under your negative records.

You seek help, get a mental diagnosis, get referrals for alternative jobs, and then get discriminated against for your diagnosis, even though your record had been sealed. Another trauma stemming from both victimization and moral injury. The gossip about your mental condition ensues, as does the discrimination you continuously face. This continuity of traumas is notbin the past (i.e., post), but rather "continuous" or continuous traumatic stress.

I am sorry about not having links yet, as I am on my cell and do not know yet how to copy and paste them. But a google search of the terms will steer you in the right direction.

I hope I explained these well.

I will try to share more, but the horrors I dealt with are too much for me to recall at the moment...

TRIGGER POSSIBILITY...