Venting

Yikes, do I have problems!

For starters, I have extreme mood wings. I get extremely anxious, depressed, apprehensive, etc oer things that don't matter that much. It can even induce suicidal thoughts- and these are things that are irrational.

I went from being actively suicidal (had a plan, wrote a note, set a date), to being perfectly happy, calm and joyful within hours (felt suicidal and then woke up the next day feeling fine).

I had a feeling that my dad hated me because I did something that annoyed him. Because of this, Later, I came out of my room and he wasn't angry at me anymore at all, he was friendly and smiling as usual. I immediately felt relieved, and stop feeling guilty. This happens a lot, where I catastrophize a situation and then later realize it wasn't a huge issue, or even an issue at all.

I also have a huge fear of abandonment within my friends. I worry sometimes that they hate me and want to leave me, or that they only hang out with out or moral obligation. A lot of the time I laugh and have fun and joke, but a lot of the time there is still this fear of abandonment. I constantly worry where I stand. I get jealous when I see my friend hanging out/ laughing with someone I don't know, and when they show even a small hint that they don't like me or do not at the moment want to be with me.

I know I'm not depressed, because I can still be happy or joyful, but I think the real thing is that I have intense mood swings and am emotionally unstable. I worry that I could become suicidal again (my suicidality is temporary and most of the time I am not suicidal, but I become suicidal at least once a week), and when I become suicidal again I could snap and just do it, even though I still have times of happiness in my life.

I know this is quite a lot, and that I really sould speak with a professional, but I'm scared to ask my parents to take me to a professional and I'm worried about talking with the school psychologist because I don't know this one and I just get anxiety thinking about it.

Thank you for listening to my impulse-vent. I just felt the need to share mad personal stuff with a bunch of strangers

Reaching out here was a great idea, keep talking to us. This place is crammed of people who definitely can relate.
May I ask for how long is this situation going on? Months? Years?

It's been going on so long, for at least a few months. I get extremely upset over minor things, then I get a feeling of absolute dread, depression, self-hatred or anxiety and I am unable to calm myself down; the upsetting thing becomes the sole focus of my mind and I block everything else out. I do not deal with stress. At all. I'm a wreck!

Sometimes, things that most people would simply get a little down about make me feel suicidal (passively or actively). I KNOW this isn't normal or healthy.

I've told my mom about my mood swings, and she said my feelings were normal, but she doesn't know I self-harm sometimes to cope with it. I don't want to freak her out.

I am SO SORRY things are being SO HARD for you!! My advice would be to talk to your Parents about ALL of this. I COMPLETELY understand your fears but please give it a try. It is good that you've already told her something at least! I'd say keep sharing little things with her, starting from the lighter ones. You'll have more confidence as you see Her listening to you and Accept you and your own Struggles, as well. Then you can start with telling her the heavier stuff. What do you think? May that help you even just a little bit? Please give it a thought! Try to talk about ALL of this with your School Counselor as well! They're there to help you after all! Give it a try! We are here for you as well! You can PM me ANYTIME and many others as well. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Bookworm257, your Family, your Friends, your Therapists, your School Counselor, your Relatives, your Doctors, your Pdocs and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking no matter what happens!!