What did my bizarre experience mean for my mental health? Was it a spiritual crisis?

Hello all!

I am a woman of 29.

I wanted to share my story. My story about my mental health.

In 2015 I had been forcefully send into a psychiatric hospital, which was traumatic to me, I was very scared and they forced pills on me. I was diagnosed with a psychosis. Now in the year of 2019 it was as if my past has been haunting me.

I have been reading into spiritual awakenings and I have been wondering if anyone ever experienced so much emotional pain that it felt like you wete dying?

I met this guy last year, I grew attached to him and saw him as a friend. He had something I have been missing in my life. Then one day when he was standing in front of me, I felt this calming energy. Someone told me that it could mean my brain was lying to me. I felt that energy when he was near, and it grew stronger that it caused me to have sleeping problems. I had to end our professional relationship because of unrequited love and I had cried so much over him to the point of emotional exhaustion. I have tried mindfulness meditation, and when I did I got a image in my head of the guy sleeping, the image scared me. For a while I got vivid dreams about him.

The last time I saw him was on January the 14th this year. And when we had to end our professional relationship, and my mental health went downhill and so did my sleeping pattern. Again, a lot of crying and feeling depressed and hopeless, suicidal thoughts. My mental health declined and I grew delusional; I believed that someone from the psychiatric hospital was coming aftet me, and eventually a celebrity. I went into survival mode, and the idea of never seeing the guy I had to end things with deeply saddened me. I saw so much potential in him, and yeah, I romanticized him and it reminded me of a guy I met in 2015 who I also felt a connection with and I was so upset over him. In my mind this year I started believing I was a bad person, that I did something wrong. I made a bunch of desperate phone calls and texted a bunch of people.

I had a few EMDR sessions, but I am not sure if they helped or made my anxiety worse. I have been having these weird dreams. Random dreams of people. I now am on both antipsychothics and antidepressia. But the thing is, I still don't feel tired and have sleeping problems, still. Either I feel empty or I have strong emotions like I cry a lot. I have been unable to concetrate and I keep repeating the past in my mind and worry about the future. I want to help people, but I am not sure how.

I have read into spiritual crisis and twin flames, and I have been curious about them.

It's just that all those memories of my bizarre 2015 came rushing back this year.

I still feel uneasy and ashamed. I feel socially isolated and I feel unmotivated to get anything done. I'm tired and not tired at the same time, if that makes sense. And I just don't know anymore, it feels like a part of my soul died with the guy since the last time I saw him. And he rejected my attempt to reconnect.

And right now, to be clear I find myself to be a light sleeper and I still have dreams. I feel restless and tired with the world. I am worried I am going to lose my mind again, I don't feel as if I have much stimulation but also feel unmotivated. I just can't trust my own brain anymore?

Has anyone else ever experienced something similar or do you have any thoughts on my story? I couldn't handle another manic episode, another psychosis or whatever it was. I still don't feel like I have healed. It's as if the guy broke something inside of me and opened up old wounds and I still miss him. I have no friends, but I am also tired of one-sided friendships.

I just don't know, I'm scared.

I am so sorry you are struggling so, Hey Gem. First, I was just wondering if you have an official diagnosis of some kind. Like bipolar 1 or schizoaffective disorder. Was also wondering what your meds are. And do you have a therapist or just a psychiatrist or what? It seems to me you would do well to have both, given your story.

Being in the hospital is something I happen to know a lot about. I have spent massive amounts of time hospitalized. It can be scary and unwelcoming. Alternatively, it can also be very helpful and life saving. Sorry you had such a difficult experience with that. I have always felt like for me, a good goal is to stay out of the hospital. So, I try to do that whenever I can.

Being psychotic, which I have experienced a lot including just last week again, can be quite frightening and upsetting. Extremely confusing, to me, anyway. Feeling chaotic and out of control. I hate it. It's so disruptive. And trying to figure out your relationships or love life when you are psychotic, well, that's just psychotic. Not possible. We must be mentally fit enough in order to deal effectively with others and with the world. It sounds like at times, anyway, you have not quite been there yet.

The good news is, you can certainly get there. And that starts, it seems to me, with having a therapist you trust and a psychiatrist you trust to start sorting all this stuff out. Personally, I can't do this by myself. I've tried and the results were nil. I need other people to help me.

Anyway, those are just some quick thoughts on what you posted. I hope you find PC to be helpful. You might look on the forum/board of whatever diagnosis you presently carry and see what you can find there. There are lots of smart, insightful, caring people here who will be happy to do what they can. All the best.