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Old 12-25-2019, 04:19 PM   #1
fishjam
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Default I want everybody to abandon me

I didn't really know which subforum to put this in so I hope this place is okay.

sometimes I feel really grateful for my friends and the positive people in my life, but other times I just feel crushingly lonely and I find it extremely hard to reach out to anybody because I always feel like a bother and burden. Hardly anybody contacts me first, and when they do sometimes it's hard for us to hold a conversation. I'm just not that close to a lot of people and I guess part of that is because I'm depressed a lot, I don't have a lot to talk about with other people because talking about 'how are you doing' and my answer will be negative 95% of the time if I answer honestly. I try to just not bother people instead.

Sometimes (often) I have this thought or wish that everybody would abandon me first. I think to myself that if I had no attachments, I wouldn't have to worry about burdening people anymore. I wouldn't have to think "maybe I should reach out to someone right now" because there would be nobody for that except anonymous internet forums like here. And here it's 'safe' because I don't have to stay. I can log off and never come back if I choose to. If people irl abandon me first then I don't have to worry about hurting them with my negativity and things like that. If I'm not attached to anybody I can be 'free' because I don't have to worry 'is what I'm about to do going to hurt/worry/upset somebody else?' I just want to be that person who moves away, changes their name, and become a different person.

I guess I feel caged and restricted by who I am and my current environment. I want to leave everything behind but I don't want to hurt other people so I wish they would all abandon me first.
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Old 12-25-2019, 06:13 PM   #2
Emily Fox Seaton
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Default Re: I want everybody to abandon me

I feel somewhat similar. People seem like a burden to me. They all say they want to hear what I have to say but they don't. They don't. Personally I don't think I am particularly negative but when we talk about common things, I tend to know as much as them and they don't like that.. they want to be the person who tell everyone else. If I am actually me, they don't like it... they don't what to hear who I am.

I wish people would just stop talking to me. Stop inviting me to things. Stop trying to *reach out*. I don't know why they do it. I want to be the person who I am and yet, they seem to want to use that person and act like they can. With all of them.. they say, tell me about you, I do, they don't like me... they try to change me, I don't change, they give up... and I get hurt because the rejection is right there.

Just don't talk to me in the first place!! ??? I don't know why they do. I would be happy if they didn't try in the first place.
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Old 12-25-2019, 08:14 PM   #3
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Default Re: I want everybody to abandon me

To put it into perspective, my family has abandoned me. And, it really isn't that great to go through life without a support system of people who will let me turn to them when I need help.

Quote:
I guess I feel caged and restricted by who I am and my current environment. I want to leave everything behind but I don't want to hurt other people so I wish they would all abandon me first.
Do you feel like you aren't your authentic self with everyone all the time?
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Old 12-25-2019, 09:51 PM   #4
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Default Re: I want everybody to abandon me

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Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche View Post
To put it into perspective, my family has abandoned me. And, it really isn't that great to go through life without a support system of people who will let me turn to them when I need help.

Do you feel like you aren't your authentic self with everyone all the time?

Yes. I constantly self-censor because I'm afraid that I'm too weird/f***ed up/depressing for everybody. The few people I've really opened up to in the past have all eventually left me behind. It would be less painful if the people I'm less close to would also leave me behind. I feel stupid for worrying about hurting other people when nobody seems to be worried about me.
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Old 12-25-2019, 11:35 PM   #5
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Default Re: I want everybody to abandon me

Well, I am pretty self-centered (something I need to constantly work on), so I tend to turn away people for constantly talking about my problems (even here on the boards).

Try an experiment. Instead of self-censoring just be your true self and see what happens. It won't be less painful if your close friends or family leave you behind. It will be more painful. Because rejection is one sided and permanent.

I'm sorry you feel stupid. It's hard to be vulnerable with other people because we never know if they'll accept us for who we really are.
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Old 12-26-2019, 03:10 AM   #6
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Default Re: I want everybody to abandon me

I really relate to a lot of what has been said here. I just think on some level, we, as mentally ill folks, are devalued by this culture an society. I sent a rather vulnerable email to my oldest friend 9 days ago. I have not heard back. I know he is busy, but I also feel like he just doesn't like having to deal with someone as sick as me because it makes him uncomfortable. I know he loves me. It's just so hard for us to find people who will agree to be in our s*** with us.
"Showing up is 90% of life."
That might be true. But noone ever seems to show up for us. Except us.
That's why I always say that you guys are my real family. Because you are.
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Old 12-26-2019, 02:23 PM   #7
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Default Re: I want everybody to abandon me

Bpcyclist that took courage to send a vulnerable email to your oldest friend 9 days ago. It shows just how much inner strength you have, because you took a risk doing that. You aren't afraid to be yourself with others. Never stop being yourself! I also 100% agree with you that people like us are devalued by Western culture and carry a stigma with us which automatically excludes us from access to the same opportunities as non-mentally ill people in society. There's a huge social bias that is perpetuated by false information, that plays on people's cognitive biases and stereotypes about mentally ill people. It's just wrong.

You are correct that we are our own support system. We have no choice. Thank goodness for Psych Central. That's all I can add.
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Old 12-28-2019, 12:17 PM   #8
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Default Re: I want everybody to abandon me

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Originally Posted by bpcyclist View Post
I really relate to a lot of what has been said here. I just think on some level, we, as mentally ill folks, are devalued by this culture an society.

I agree. Neuroptypical people seem to (in general) fear mental illness and/or they think we can "be normal" if we really want to.

I sent a rather vulnerable email to my oldest friend 9 days ago. I have not heard back. I know he is busy, but I also feel like he just doesn't like having to deal with someone as sick as me because it makes him uncomfortable. I know he loves me.

Sending the email was courageous. I keep all my friends (even the friends I've had all of my life) at arm's length. I don't want to share my inner, real world with them and I don't want to hear them go on about the cruise they're taking, or their new car, and whatever other of their life's details that just make me feel inadequate.

It's just so hard for us to find people who will agree to be in our s*** with us.
"Showing up is 90% of life."
That might be true. But noone ever seems to show up for us. Except us.
That's why I always say that you guys are my real family. Because you are.

There is no place I've felt more at ease than I do with peers (others who have mental illness).

I'd much rather be alone than exhaust myself trying to fit someone's idea of "normal"
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Old 12-28-2019, 01:51 PM   #9
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Default Re: I want everybody to abandon me

When a person struggles with some kind of mental illness or disability they already feel isolated and often the reason they don't open up is because they risk getting some kind of response that can make them feel even more isolated.

I find myself often wishing others could climb into my body just so they could experience how much effort it can take me to deal with the challenge I have with the ptsd that I struggle with. There are so many things I used to be able to do that now with this challenge are so much harder for me to do because I can be so very sensitive.

I have had the feeling where I want to disconnect too, it's the same idea of wanting others to abandon you. It's more about how one can struggle so much that they begin to feel like they can't reveal themselves because how they struggle can just be too much of a burden on others. Often what can happen is a person may have already been exposed to people who need them to be codependent and they are not the kind of people that are safe to be around when needing help yourself and not being able to be that person that was able to be the codependent for others. Often a person is taught to be codependent long before they even have the capacity to know what that really is.
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Old 12-28-2019, 05:59 PM   #10
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Default Re: I want everybody to abandon me

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It's more about how one can struggle so much that they begin to feel like they can't reveal themselves because how they struggle can just be too much of a burden on others
This is really how I feel.... I don't want to burden people, and then people treat me as a burden (or maybe that's the depression glasses). I feel that they should just abandon me instead of keeping me around for the rare times I'm "good enough" for them. I already feel barely worthy of anything most of the time.

Quote:
Often what can happen is a person may have already been exposed to people who need them to be codependent and they are not the kind of people that are safe to be around when needing help yourself and not being able to be that person that was able to be the codependent for others. Often a person is taught to be codependent long before they even have the capacity to know what that really is.
Do you have recommended reading for codependency in this kind of dynamic? I don't really understand this topic well.
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