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Member Since Feb 2016
Location: Doing donuts in the parking lot
Posts: 4,270
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#1
Realities are mixing and blending with each other. Then I get clear and while I'm clear I panic. I panic so damn much. I'm panicking now, but it's because my reality was that of a nightmare only minutes ago and now I'm fine. I am safe. Until the next ******* transient episode and I might hurt myself again. Not self-harm, I just got surgery on my foot and I've kicked a couple times while in these states recently.
It's either reality and hell are both as real as the other, or "reality" becomes a foggy background scene while the horror unfolds before me. PTSD is what people say this is; and in truth, I can't say I disagree. However, the episodes don't stay grounded in pure trauma, hallucinations become more active at a point. Then it mixes and then I'm unreachable. I understand it's PTSD, but I suppose it scared me when a professional likened my symptoms to that of his schizophrenic patients -- stating my trauma had caused a similar state of psychosis. My depression has caused a kind of passive suicidality that's enough to cause health issues. It remains untreated, along with the psychosis. I'm in ****ing hell. Thanks for letting me vent. __________________ "Give him his freedom and he'll remember his humanity." |
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*Beth*, eskielover, Serpentine Leaf
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Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Portland
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#2
I am sorry you are struggling. I can really relate to any kind of psychosis stuff. May I ask why you are not treating this?
__________________ When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield |
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Chat Moderator
Member Since Feb 2016
Location: Doing donuts in the parking lot
Posts: 4,270
8 10k hugs
given |
#3
I want to, a lot has happened (or not happened) in a search to at least treat it. There's definitely a part that's my fault, due to giving into panic I've missed many therapy sessions and a couple med appointments now, though not in a row. My insurance won't pay for my AP one day, will the next until I go get it and then there's a sudden issue with the insurance there. The AP I was prescribed anyway is more for people with major depressive disorder than anything else, so it leaves me without much confidence anyway. I have the remeron but haven't taken it, that truly just comes from a fear of antidepressants (I've never reacted well, usually end up psychotic and IP). I don't feel like my pdoc listens well anyway, though he at least doesn't seem as patronizing as my last one. There's a list of excuses, but the only two true reasons are: Myself and generally ****** healthcare where I live.
__________________ "Give him his freedom and he'll remember his humanity." |
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Serpentine Leaf
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