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hartbroken
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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 08:53 PM
  #1
I've had severe mental illness for about 28 years. In my early years of dealing with it I actually did quite well as far as making money and being a productive part of society. Eventually I got diabetes from taking the meds, and I quit work indefinitely. I couldn't function very well. Since then, the routine of living off of disability has trained me to stay in a lazy type of funk. I gained a bunch of weight. I have severe bouts of depression. I'm stuck in a cycle I can't break.

I know some of this isn't my fault. I was a hard worker before I got this stuff. But the years off work hasn't really been that good for me. I want to be doing something but I don't know if I'll have the stamina or discipline to keep at it.

Is it my fault? Or do I blame it on the mental illness? Maybe a little of each? I don't know really how I should be feeling about it.

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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 09:14 PM
  #2
I'm sorry hartbroken, for your woes. To me it seems that you feel accomplished and undetermined at the same time. It is absolutely not your fault that you suffer from diabetes and depression. but It is your responsibility to make the best of your life to be the best self, for yourself. I have felt overtaken by my mental illness before, but I have also felt empowered by my triumphs. please be well and follow your own path.
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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 11:49 PM
  #3
Thanks Ann, I appreciate your thoughts. I am an accomplished musician, in addition to having been a hard worker in the past. I used to travel all over and play shows, make albums, etc. I go through cycles where I will feel very optimistic, believing I may be ready to make some commitments to employment again, then I fall on my face.

I think for now I need to exercise more and make some realistic goals.

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Default Jan 15, 2020 at 10:04 AM
  #4
I am sorry for your pain, Hartbroken.

I am a DJ and producer. Have you thought of channeling some of your feeling into writing your own music and creating it? It would give you a sense of both purpose and accomplishment. There are several websites you can upload your songs to and join an online music community.
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Default Jan 15, 2020 at 07:16 PM
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Sorry to hear that hartbroken. It's definitely the meds you were on -- those essentially ruined your health giving you diabetes, while meant to help you cope with your depression. I know a lot of musicians in my real life. Some of whom take antidepressants. They have all told me the same thing you have here; how antidepressants just saps them of their creativity and they have to fight really hard to produce let alone perform their music. I like InsomniaVia Haldol's suggestion of creating music then posting it online. That at least keeps you connected to that kernel of creativity that made you into the musician you STILL are. Don't let this deter you.
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Default Jan 17, 2020 at 10:00 PM
  #6

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Default Jan 18, 2020 at 10:36 PM
  #7
Probably the hardest thing about being stuck in a black hole is how hard it is to get out, and how easy it is to slip back in without warning. When we feel like that, we lose the ability to believe we can accomplish anything. It ends up being a self-fulfilling prophesy: our mental energy is so sapped by the depression and low self-esteem that we might not be putting forth our greatest abilities. Then we fail and take it as confirmation that we can't win. I was trapped there for most of my life and have only recently gotten out of it and found my path forward. Self-compassion exercises have done wonders for me; I was attacking myself so fiercely that I was pushing myself over that event horizon without even realizing it. I'll post a link to information and exercises to try:
Self-Compassion

It's natural to think in a problem-solving way when we're stuck; we have problems, so we want to fix them. But sometimes we have to work on our emotional and psychological state first, so our thought process will be uncluttered. It's like having an outdated refrigerator sucking up all our brain's "electricity," and expecting ourselves to operate efficiently. "Brain electricity" is a finite resource.


I also don't think it's helpful to look for where blame should fall. (But I do think you're being much too hard on yourself.) I think it's most helpful to find ways to heal, and then once you feel ready you can move forward in a new direction. You have a whole community here eager to support you in your journey,hartbroken.
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Default Jan 20, 2020 at 12:53 AM
  #8
Hey @hartbroken:I think you can feel productive and accomplished without going back to work if you are on disability. In fact, I think comparing how you are now to when you used to work isn't good for you because circumstances have changed. First thing you can do is try and set up some kind of a routine. No one can feel productive if they sort of wander through life without a plan even if you do not work.
The best way to stop focusing on yourself is to do something for others.
I am an alcoholic and also on disability. This allowed me to get well and stay home with my kids. I got sober 8 years ago with AA and one of their principles is helping others. So for awhile I took a prison committment where I lead meetings in the women's jail. I give rides to a couple of my friends that do not drive and pick up stuff they ask me to when I am out and about. A church in town hosts a free meal every week with the soup kitchen and I have helped with that with serving.
My point is if you are physically able, there are many opportunities to help others and I promise you it ends up helping you more than it helps the people you give your time to.

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Default Jan 22, 2020 at 08:46 PM
  #9
Quote:
Originally Posted by InsomniaViaHaldol View Post
I am sorry for your pain, Hartbroken.

I am a DJ and producer. Have you thought of channeling some of your feeling into writing your own music and creating it? It would give you a sense of both purpose and accomplishment. There are several websites you can upload your songs to and join an online music community.
Thanks, yeah I've posted some songs on SoundCloud before. It's a nice outlet.

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Default Jan 22, 2020 at 08:47 PM
  #10
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Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche View Post
Sorry to hear that hartbroken. It's definitely the meds you were on -- those essentially ruined your health giving you diabetes, while meant to help you cope with your depression. I know a lot of musicians in my real life. Some of whom take antidepressants. They have all told me the same thing you have here; how antidepressants just saps them of their creativity and they have to fight really hard to produce let alone perform their music. I like InsomniaVia Haldol's suggestion of creating music then posting it online. That at least keeps you connected to that kernel of creativity that made you into the musician you STILL are. Don't let this deter you.
I try to keep busy with music still. I record some things and play in a band.

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hartbroken
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Default Jan 22, 2020 at 08:48 PM
  #11
Quote:
Originally Posted by Serpentine Leaf View Post
Probably the hardest thing about being stuck in a black hole is how hard it is to get out, and how easy it is to slip back in without warning. When we feel like that, we lose the ability to believe we can accomplish anything. It ends up being a self-fulfilling prophesy: our mental energy is so sapped by the depression and low self-esteem that we might not be putting forth our greatest abilities. Then we fail and take it as confirmation that we can't win. I was trapped there for most of my life and have only recently gotten out of it and found my path forward. Self-compassion exercises have done wonders for me; I was attacking myself so fiercely that I was pushing myself over that event horizon without even realizing it. I'll post a link to information and exercises to try:
Self-Compassion

It's natural to think in a problem-solving way when we're stuck; we have problems, so we want to fix them. But sometimes we have to work on our emotional and psychological state first, so our thought process will be uncluttered. It's like having an outdated refrigerator sucking up all our brain's "electricity," and expecting ourselves to operate efficiently. "Brain electricity" is a finite resource.


I also don't think it's helpful to look for where blame should fall. (But I do think you're being much too hard on yourself.) I think it's most helpful to find ways to heal, and then once you feel ready you can move forward in a new direction. You have a whole community here eager to support you in your journey,hartbroken.
Thanks for your input, and for the helpful links.

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hartbroken
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Default Jan 22, 2020 at 08:51 PM
  #12
Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Hey @hartbroken:I think you can feel productive and accomplished without going back to work if you are on disability. In fact, I think comparing how you are now to when you used to work isn't good for you because circumstances have changed. First thing you can do is try and set up some kind of a routine. No one can feel productive if they sort of wander through life without a plan even if you do not work.
The best way to stop focusing on yourself is to do something for others.
I am an alcoholic and also on disability. This allowed me to get well and stay home with my kids. I got sober 8 years ago with AA and one of their principles is helping others. So for awhile I took a prison committment where I lead meetings in the women's jail. I give rides to a couple of my friends that do not drive and pick up stuff they ask me to when I am out and about. A church in town hosts a free meal every week with the soup kitchen and I have helped with that with serving.
My point is if you are physically able, there are many opportunities to help others and I promise you it ends up helping you more than it helps the people you give your time to.
I think the only reason why I'm comparing myself with what I used to be able to do, is that there are people in my life who knew me then, and they really didn't go to the hospital to visit when I was psychotic. And they take the illness lightly. They don't know what it's really like, so they expect me to be the same, taking on challenges like they do. And I tend to get sucked into that mentality that I should listen to them and take their advice.

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Default Jan 23, 2020 at 09:27 AM
  #13
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Originally Posted by hartbroken View Post
I think the only reason why I'm comparing myself with what I used to be able to do, is that there are people in my life who knew me then, and they really didn't go to the hospital to visit when I was psychotic. And they take the illness lightly. They don't know what it's really like, so they expect me to be the same, taking on challenges like they do. And I tend to get sucked into that mentality that I should listen to them and take their advice.

I'm sorry the people in your life don't understand. Are there any support groups in your area?
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Default Feb 04, 2020 at 09:33 PM
  #14
I struggle with themes of this too. I find the better I am at breaking down productive aspect of life to the most simple forms...and forgive myself for not always doing 'everything' I want to do...life is more manageable and the productive tips up. Mental health does not define you or control you. You have the control despite feeling a lack of it. You are not alone in these feelings.
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