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Default Feb 23, 2020 at 08:07 PM
  #1
So, my mother's dementia is getting worse. Now, whatever she's watching on tv or reading she will call me multiple times a day and leave me voicemails about random things that make no sense at all.

It's very strange to experience this from the same parent who emotionally abused me growing up. It's giving me anxiety. The person she used to be is completely gone now; replaced by an elderly person with severe dementia.

Edit to add: my cell # is programmed into her phone. I'm thinking of having her phone disconnected so she won't be able to call me incessantly every day. Maybe this will make her leave her room for all the activities that happen in her memory care unit.

Can anyone relate to this?
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Default Feb 23, 2020 at 08:18 PM
  #2
I probably should find a thread on an AARP or Dementia forum about this. But I'm really worried about my health after my mother passes away. I don't want to have a heart attack from the stress. Does that sound silly? I don't have a support system of people -- I don't have a social network or support group I can lean on for emotional support when the time comes and she passes away. I constantly worry about this. My siblings have their spouses, children, coworkers, and friends. And I have...myself and some friends on Facebook. My best friends live in Portugal. If I have the money I'd fly to stay with them when the time comes but who knows when that will be. I know this is weird but her incessant phone calls lately have my anxiety levels just ramped up, because I remember how cruel she was to me growing up. She was not a nice mother. She was never emotionally supportive, she constantly sabotaged or undermined me in front of people. She made my college counselor - her close friend - betray my trust and tell her everything I talked about in my sessions with the college counselor to grieve my father's death. So I had no privacy. And now she's "gone" so to speak and talks nonsense most of the time and calls me 10-30 times a day and I just let her calls go to voicemail. It's really stressful.
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Default Feb 23, 2020 at 09:03 PM
  #3
Have you thought about getting a phone that can only receive calls?

Dementia voice mails
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Default Feb 23, 2020 at 09:16 PM
  #4
Do they make those for dementia patients?

Edit to add: I just found the model on the alzheimers store website. Going to order one. Thanks bluekoi.
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Default Feb 24, 2020 at 12:25 AM
  #5
My friend got one for her mom when she started calling at 2:00AM. My friend could still call her mom, but was now not waking up in a panic when the phone rang in the wee hours of the morning. My husband's dad has vascular dementia.
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Default Feb 24, 2020 at 01:37 AM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche View Post
So, my mother's dementia is getting worse. Now, whatever she's watching on tv or reading she will call me multiple times a day and leave me voicemails about random things that make no sense at all.

It's very strange to experience this from the same parent who emotionally abused me growing up. It's giving me anxiety. The person she used to be is completely gone now; replaced by an elderly person with severe dementia.

Edit to add: my cell # is programmed into her phone. I'm thinking of having her phone disconnected so she won't be able to call me incessantly every day. Maybe this will make her leave her room for all the activities that happen in her memory care unit.

Can anyone relate to this?
question if you disconnect her phone how is she going to be able to call 911 / emergency services if she falls, or gets lost, wanders, cant remember her own name, goes through the sudden blindness symptoms,

my point is by disconnecting her phone you could end up causing her to get seriously hurt in her state of mind.

maybe what we did for one of my relatives will help you. we contacted senior and disabled services for a day respite care option. this is where the relative with this is taken to a place to spend the day with people their own age and play cards, board games, and other activities while under supervision.

for night time relatives took turns spending the night, and when no relatives were available a private nurse or adult care provider was there. this way the relative was supervised and had company to sooth their loneliness and missing contact with other relatives that may be busy or not want to be bothered at the moment.

then when our relative became too mentally unstable, a nursing care facility was found. there they have the 24/7 supervision that they need and socialization with others their own age. and plenty to do in the community rooms, and special outings specifically with their needs in mind so that they can be out in the community but still be under supervision.

At first my relative fought the idea but over time this relative adjusted and they now think of the nursing facility as home.
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Default Feb 24, 2020 at 02:20 AM
  #7
I am so sorry you are dealing with this unbelievably triggering stuff. Do you have any old benzo prn's left over, maybe?

I do not. So, when I get anxious, I can only breathe my way out of it. So, practice your Thich Nhat Hanh or whatever other kind of breathing you prefer. It really, really can help!!!!

I don't have any real experience with this. My father probably has a little dementia, but he is still high-functioning, relatively speaking. I found this link for a few sites you might want to check out maybe. Maybe they can help you out with some ideas. Support Groups for Caregivers & Persons with Dementia / Alzheimer’s.

In the meantime, do something about her phone calling access situation, so she cannot keep torturing you.

I hope this gets better and soon, Blanche!!!!!!

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Default Feb 24, 2020 at 07:22 AM
  #8
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Originally Posted by bluekoi View Post
My friend got one for her mom when she started calling at 2:00AM. My friend could still call her mom, but was now not waking up in a panic when the phone rang in the wee hours of the morning. My husband's dad has vascular dementia.
That is exactly why I need that phone you posted about. I have to turn my cellphone ringer off at night or it will ring when my mother calls. Sorry to hear about your husband's dad's vascular dementia too. That's what my mother has. God,I hope I don't get vascular dementia.

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Originally Posted by bpcyclist View Post
I am so sorry you are dealing with this unbelievably triggering stuff. Do you have any old benzo prn's left over, maybe?

I do not. So, when I get anxious, I can only breathe my way out of it. So, practice your Thich Nhat Hanh or whatever other kind of breathing you prefer. It really, really can help!!!!

I don't have any real experience with this. My father probably has a little dementia, but he is still high-functioning, relatively speaking. I found this link for a few sites you might want to check out maybe. Maybe they can help you out with some ideas. Support Groups for Caregivers & Persons with Dementia / Alzheimer’s.

In the meantime, do something about her phone calling access situation, so she cannot keep torturing you.

I hope this gets better and soon, Blanche!!!!!!
Thanks so much for that link bpcyclist! I will definitely go there for support regarding my mother's phone calls and dementia and how triggering it is for me.

I don't take medications anymore for my anxiety, so I will definitely restart the breathing meditation practice (which I never should have stopped in the first place).

I'm going to go visit her today and disconnect her phone. I know my sister will be mad and accuse me of stressing out our mother more. But she has dementia. She will forget she even has a phone.

Since my sister pays for our mother's phone service (the memory care unit requires everyone to pay for their own phone line but the cable tv is free), I have to tell her I'm getting rid of the phone in our mother's memory care room. My sister will also be upset but you know what, WHO CARES.
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Default Feb 24, 2020 at 07:27 AM
  #9
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question if you disconnect her phone how is she going to be able to call 911 / emergency services if she falls, or gets lost, wanders, cant remember her own name, goes through the sudden blindness symptoms,

my point is by disconnecting her phone you could end up causing her to get seriously hurt in her state of mind.

maybe what we did for one of my relatives will help you. we contacted senior and disabled services for a day respite care option. this is where the relative with this is taken to a place to spend the day with people their own age and play cards, board games, and other activities while under supervision.

for night time relatives took turns spending the night, and when no relatives were available a private nurse or adult care provider was there. this way the relative was supervised and had company to sooth their loneliness and missing contact with other relatives that may be busy or not want to be bothered at the moment.

then when our relative became too mentally unstable, a nursing care facility was found. there they have the 24/7 supervision that they need and socialization with others their own age. and plenty to do in the community rooms, and special outings specifically with their needs in mind so that they can be out in the community but still be under supervision.

At first my relative fought the idea but over time this relative adjusted and they now think of the nursing facility as home.
My mother has been a resident for nearly 10 months now inside a memory care unit of a nursing home. She is not in any danger. She is monitored by the staff there every 4 hours and she shares a corner with another resident (they each have their own bedroom but share a mini-apartment type space).

My mother wears a bracelet that goes off she when she falls and she can't wander anyway but around the halls, since its a locked unit.

My mother never leaves her room unless an aid comes to get her for meals or for activities. She just watches tv and reads books and makes a gazillion phone calls to myself, my sister, and our brother.

Prior to that, I quit my teaching job and lived with my mother and took care of her until I couldn't anymore and we moved her into this memory care unit last summer.
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Default Feb 24, 2020 at 06:28 PM
  #10
So, my sister stonewalled me today. She said if I spend the $60 on a phone that our mother can't dial out from, she will just disconnect it and take it and not give it back to me. Oh, and she's a mother of 3 and she's 47 years old.

I give up. Going to have to just keep my cellphone ringer off now, all the time.

I did find some online caregiver forums for adult children like myself. It's a relief to read their stories so I know I'm not alone -- some of their stories share the asshole siblings they have too. *They* being the other adult children caregivers on this forum I found.
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Default Feb 24, 2020 at 06:32 PM
  #11
Why don’t you just block the number in your phone?

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Default Feb 25, 2020 at 03:45 AM
  #12
Hey @StreetcarBlanche I dont know if this will help or not but I thought I would share.

How to Stop Problem Phone Calls - Phone Service For Alzheimer's and Dementia | How to Stop Problem Calls - teleCalm Caregiver - Phone Service for At Home and Senior Living
8 Ways to Deal with False Dementia Accusations – DailyCaring
Quote:
Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche View Post
I probably should find a thread on an AARP or Dementia forum about this. But I'm really worried about my health after my mother passes away. I don't want to have a heart attack from the stress. Does that sound silly? I don't have a support system of people -- I don't have a social network or support group I can lean on for emotional support when the time comes and she passes away. I constantly worry about this. My siblings have their spouses, children, coworkers, and friends. And I have...myself and some friends on Facebook. My best friends live in Portugal. If I have the money I'd fly to stay with them when the time comes but who knows when that will be. I know this is weird but her incessant phone calls lately have my anxiety levels just ramped up, because I remember how cruel she was to me growing up. She was not a nice mother. She was never emotionally supportive, she constantly sabotaged or undermined me in front of people. She made my college counselor - her close friend - betray my trust and tell her everything I talked about in my sessions with the college counselor to grieve my father's death. So I had no privacy. And now she's "gone" so to speak and talks nonsense most of the time and calls me 10-30 times a day and I just let her calls go to voicemail. It's really stressful.

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Default Feb 25, 2020 at 03:59 AM
  #13
Thanks for this information, Sarah! I’ll check it out!
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Default Feb 25, 2020 at 05:23 AM
  #14
Another option might be to remove your phone number from her phone next time you visit her. That way she can still call your sister and brother.

Or send her number straight to voice mail. You won't even hear the calls. Instructions are on the web on how to do this.

Or both. One of your siblings may put your number back in her phone, especially if they become the target of her incessant phone calls.
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Default Feb 25, 2020 at 03:34 PM
  #15
She has my sister and my phone number memorized unfortunately. Of all the things she *hasn't forgotten* it would be phone numbers. And, I already have my phone ringer off 24/7 now. Not that I was getting a lot of phone calls from anyone else before but still it's super annoying to have multiple voicemails on my cellphone from my mother. I will just delete them and go on with life.

My sister refuses to help me pay for the teleCalm service. I'm not working right now so I can't afford it. It's about $49.95 a month. That would solve a lot of problems b/c I wouldn't have to remove her phone. I think once I get a job again (a real job, not a crap job), i will just go ahead and purchase it and tell my sister "too bad, this is what I'm doing."
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Default Apr 30, 2020 at 02:22 AM
  #16
I'm having a similar issue with my schizoaffective mother calling me from the hospital and ranting delusionally. These phone calls are exhausting. At least for tomorrow, I'm going to have the staff tell my mother that I'm not available to talk. Can you block your mother's number for awhile so you can have a break? I've done that in the past. Hoping you get some relief.
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Default May 13, 2020 at 08:49 AM
  #17
I think that you could communicate with this person from time to time, for example, 1 time in the evening.
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Default May 22, 2020 at 05:54 AM
  #18
I know they deleted their account, but in January I got a weird voicemail from an ex therapist who was being weird and going on about nonsense, and based on this thread I’m wondering if she had dementia. I was at work when I got it, and was totally caught off guard. My supervisor said “block her from everything” I had already deleted and blocked her from facebook because of some messages she sent me that may or may not have been from her. I blocked her number too and have had no issues since.

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