Depression? But I don’t feel “down” or “low” all the time

I am not sure which category this belongs to since I seems to have a lot of issues so please correct me if I’m wrong, thank you.

I don’t know what exactly is wrong with me so I want to find out and get better. This is REALLY long and it’s a TOTAL mess since I’m writing this in a somewhat “down mood” but I hope to get a couple of suggestions on what could be wrong with me. It would be great if you could give me a few tips on how to cope with some of the things too. I do suspect a few conditions but don’t want to self diagnose and my family is having quite a bad financial issue so I can’t afford even the cheapest therapy in the long term. I am trying to see if my school counsellor could help but for my school, this kind of issue is more relevant to psychology clinic which needs to be paid. I will probably get proper help if I’m not better by the time I start working.

Just to clarify, I’m doing well in my university and have been on the dean’s list for all my previous terms (although my school is not a very high ranking school), I’m actively participating in dance club, a culture community club, film club, a tutoring club, and an academic club. I’m part of the exco in three clubs, one as a president and another as a vice president. I have a close circle of friends as well as a huge number of other friends. I help to guide a lot of people with their studies too. I do weekly volunteering at a cat shelter with my roommate as well.
I do practically live by myself without family as I’m studying alone in a foreign country. My symptoms are extremely bad during school holidays when I have no school and my roommate is in our home country. During school term, I do fall into the “low” moods when I did something “unsatisfactory” or when I’m really stressed. But it’s easy to get back up since there is just so much stuff that I must do if I don’t want to inconvenient other people.

My major problem is that I seems to be fine most of the time, especially when I have things to do and occupy my mind but I snap under stress.
When I am alone and have time for myself, my mood can go from overly happy, high and confident to total slump in the span of a few hours.

Issues:
Family- major problem was 4 years ago, developed stomach gas pains due to this and still has that problem under stress now. Probably the start of all my issues in general
Self-esteem
Romantic relationship and trust

Habits:
Talking to myself
Making up scenarios (both real and fantasy) in my head and acting them out
Replaying the events of the day and either trying to see if I could have changed anything to make it better or analyse what the other person felt

I am really good at controlling emotions when i am with people but i can snap and cry at little things when i am alone.
The thing that I’m afraid the most is “snapping” in front of other people, especially closed friends. When I warn them that I might snap, I don’t mean it like I would be angry at them. It’s more of I would breakdown for either no apparent reason or for very small reason and I don’t want them to think that it’s because of them since, well, I’m the real problem here.

Sometimes, I am watching something and laughing or even humming a tune but I can suddenly breakdown for no specific reason (there is underlying stress such as a unfinished work or insecurity but no specific trigger)

Self worth issues and mood swings:
When I’m in my “high mood”, I suddenly have a lot of energy and I can go around dancing and singing for a few hours. I could be laughing and squealing while watching something that I like. I could be sitting in front of the mirror going “hm, not bad. Looking pretty good.” And pulling off different facial expressions. I could be looking at my previous works and go “this is amazing, I can definitely pass auditions. Or maybe have a YouTube channel”.
But then I would suddenly get overwhelmed by emotions and go into a slump. Often right in the middle of laughing or other “high mood” state.
At that point, my brain is going into “you are a failure” mood and pointing out all the flaws. I have to stay away from any form of “self assessment” as much as possible in this state or it could spiral down really fast, until suicidal IDEATION. Closest I’ve gotten to an actual one was years ago and it was only so I don’t think it’s a major issue now. It’s just... ideation at max I guess. I feel like I’m too much of a coward to not have it in me to do it at times like this. In a way, I admire people who could do it. I know it’s crazy to even think that but I have no explanation on why I feel certain things anyway.
Some things I can do during this state are curling up under my blanket, making up scenarios in my head (no energy to actually act them out, it’s mostly about someone saving me from things that I’m too cowardly to actually do), reading tragic stories (explained in the next part) and sort of emptying out my emotions, or just watching stuff that I tend to enjoy (although not really feeling the enjoyment at the moment) if I feel like I’m okay enough to recover by distracting myself using those. While it sort of helps if I’m around close people because it’s easier to distract myself, it makes it worse when I’m about to have a total breakdown/ snap because I don’t want other people to see me like that. I do “warn” my roommate subtly when I’m very edgy and could snap any minute to not push me because even a very small matter like her invading my space could set me off. Haven’t breakdown totally yet in front of her though. The closest was that time I cried for a petty reason I can’t remember when she was teasing me even after I said I was about to snap. I cried quietly so she didn’t really notice it. She just said “wait, r u really crying?” when I went quiet and I just said no.

I like to read fiction and watch drama about tragedies, such as incidents and other unpleasant unfortunate events. I feel like it’s my way of coping. I tend to put myself in the characters’ shoes and try to feel what they feel. It allows me to release my own emotions that I tend to suppress.
But it might not be a very good thing. A part of my rational mind make myself see what I’m feeling is noting compared to it.

I am really fine at times, functioning normally and not even suppressing my emotions (at least not consciously, I do that often when I am around people but that is not the case here) and then suddenly some sort of trigger makes me overwhelmed with emotions that I had to use all my energy to suppress it.
I do noticed that the triggers can be different at different times. For example, I was triggered by something related to family a few years back but I can hold my emotions better regarding that trigger now. But I currently have a different trigger now, about how I’m scared that I’m not good enough and that I can’t do anything right/well.

I can control my emotions well around others (unless totally overwhelmed)
I can even carry on a normal conversation with my mom on phone while crying secretly (only got caught twice, I think, out of many times that I did it)

When I’m in a overwhelmed state, I tend to search and read online whatever I can to find a solution or a way to cope with it.

Sometimes, i just feel empty. Tired and gotten rid of all emotions.

I figured that it is difficult for me to carry out my normal duties when I’m in a very high mood (because it quickly deflates into an emotional mess), “depressed” mood and “empty” mood.

Sometimes, it’s difficult for me to start again after stopping and taking a break from everything because
I’m afraid of all the workload. It suddenly feels like a lot to me.
I am afraid that I cannot do well. I’m afraid that it wouldn’t turn out right

I have a lot of internal battle in my head. Like I mentioned, I talk to myself. I question myself why I’m feeling a particular emotion in a particular setting. It sometimes help me to understand myself better but sometimes it backfires. When I can’t find a proper reason, my brain goes:
“wth is wrong with you? You are doing fine, your grades are one of the highest in the school..”
“my school isn’t the best, can’t even get into a good school”
“...whatever, you can study, dance, sing, lead, is good with all sorts of crafts...”
“I can do a lot stuff but I’m not particularly ‘good’ in anything”
“But...”
...

And so on.

All those are really bad when I’m “isolated”. Even for a relatively “normal” state, I either don’t enjoy that my usual stuff as much or enjoy them in the “high” state then deflates. I don’t dare much to distract myself with the things that I usually enjoy because when I’m in a REALLY low mood, it could backfire into “you don’t deserve it”

Relationship and trust issues wise, I haven’t been in a relationship. I have a few crushes here and there but I’m in a state where I would be questioning so much even if my crush comes up to me as confess. While I would be happy, I won’t be able to understand why anyone would like/love me. Even if someone really loves me, they would have a hard timing convincing me. Even if I do get somewhat convinced and end up in a relationship because I like them back as well, I would be mentally prepared to be dumped at anytime. I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship at all considering what I feel about myself as well as what I’ve seen so far in my parent’s relationship.

It sounds like you are a bit lonely. Either that or you grew up with the expectation to keep up appearances around people so you suppress your emotions until you get overwhelmed when alone. I often felt like you described during college and often in the years after. I think most people worry about not being good enough or not having done enough. A good day's work often makes me feel better for a while.

You mentioned auditions. Are you studying music or theater? Performance arts do tend to be stressful and emotional. My guess is that you probably look more accomplished than you think and your peers probably look at you and worry that they aren't good enough too.

It's good that you know your triggers and try to figure out why you feel depressed. I find that once you let someone see that side of you, its harder to pretend to be normal around them. I was a mess during college too and I was surprised to hear someone say I was popular. You are probably too critical of yourself especially when you are alone without anyone to compare with. When I'm alone too much, I read about people like Albert Einstein and feel bad that I'm not as good as they were. Then when I'm around people, I realize I'm doing ok compared to those around me.

I think people must think highly of you and you just don't know it because they are also hiding their self-doubt. If you really do have clinical depression, you could talk to the school counselor just in case. Its nothing to be ashamed of.

Hi, Kira. First off I am not qualified to offer too much help but I will offer up a few words in the hope they might help you. As MrsA above suggested you could be feeling somewhat lonely at times which might be a cause of one issue. Second, to that, depression can be a difficult thing to spot as sometimes it is there and we do not know it as it hides in clever ways. Going from a room full of people and background noise to a silent room with just yourself can be such a change in environment, that your awareness notices it. This, in turn, caused confusion with your feelings that result in you not knowing whats going on with you. You mention that you are part of a dance culture and film clubs. It's likely that you are coping with your issues by trying your hand at acting in your own film about your life which is harmless enough. Overall I think you might be feeling a bit lost which becomes noticeable when you are along. Try not to be too critical of yourself when you are feeling down as this is the circle that keeps you going around and around. One way of breaking that habit is to change how you deal with your feelings. Instead of being negative about what you are doing think how things are improving all the time. You are after all going places in the world, do not let anyone tell you otherwise.

Well Im the same I struggled with bulimia and had mia as my distant friend and an addiction to vomiting and obsession with food.For about a few days after I talk to myself a lot even in a good day-Every time I go asleep I tell myself how great tomorrow going to be and just fall asleep. Having enough sleep is essential even if you think you don't need it having a nice hot shower when you feel like your going crazy and can't get out.I have a blog its sorta like a diary and I post things I like.I love to learn about things and different stuff ..I do things that help me out in the long run. MY mom never rings me and I only see her once a week and we exchange gifts .I haven't talked to my big brother in over 5yrs up to now and he said how sorry he was when I said that Im on medication.