A Cry for Help

This stuff has been weighing on my mind for most of life and while I don't have any expectations, I think letting out some of it somewhere might be cathartic. I'm not interested in therapy or medication. I'm not going to do anything illegal, so don't get worried about that.

I am a freshman STEM student, barely a legal adult. Throughout my life, I've had nobody to talk to about my issues. Talking to my family, giving them a little glimpse at what's going on in my head, has never made me feel better, only worse. I've tried a couple of times when the weight of it got really bad, and it never helped. Lately I've been thinking a lot that i'm loosing it.

I don't get affection. I know little about what's it's like to receive it and I have no idea to how to express it myself. Throughout middle school and high school, I've had one or two friends/acquaintances at a time who I just talked to in class, but all of those relationships fizzled out in the exact same way every time. I've become cynical about friendship and just see it as a mercantile and unsatisfying way of boosting your ego and staving off boredom. I don't see any appeal in "hanging out".

My sister told me once that in college there would be so many more people, I was bound to find people I "like", but I actually like the people I was around this year less than the ones from my highschool. I grew up in a pretty well-to-do place and now I'm going to big university with zero larger sense of group identity.

The thing is, i'm not a normal person. I've had violent, intrusive thoughts since I was in elementary school. Other intrusive thoughts too. At the peaks of my boredom and dissatisfaction, I used to actively have violent fantasies about the people around me. Other times I stole little things from here and there for the thrill of it. Now my thoughts are more sexual. Over the years I've gained very abnormal interests and beliefs too. I know how all this sounds. It's "bad", totally unacceptable. I can't erase it. I want to tell somebody, anybody about this. So here I am. This is the best option.

What's been eating away at me recently is an overwhelming sense of loneliness. When you look at my life, it's not normal, it's not "healthy". How could somebody look at the way I live and think I could be happy? Somebody asks how I'm doing and I say i'm fine every time. I'm never fine. I wear a mask and it works good enough. I can talk to people well enough to work with them, but not enough to form and maintain relationships. I'm not interested in half-way or quarter-way relationships anymore either though. I have a ravenous "hunger" to totally consume another person. I'm built to want these things, so I feel something fundamental to being a human is missing in my life, but i'm too dysfunctional to pursue it. I like how I am though. Whenever I saw the normal people around me, I never wanted to be one of them. I thought I was lucky to not be like them. Society has no system to help "functional", miserable people like me.

If I manage to succeed on the path i'm going now, I'll hopefully be able to be a financially independent person. I'm doing alright so far. I plan on moving to the other side of the country and completely cutting off the familial relationships I have now. I want to move on the from the past and i'm very resentful. I know it's selfish and blah blah they fed me. I'm not happy though. I'm pretty sure there's something wrong with me and they never helped. Nothing's guaranteed though. Everybody could be dead by the time I graduate. Maybe that wouldn't be too bad. Happiness? Is that even a remote possibility? I just have no hope.

I wonder why you would not be interested in therapy if you really want to be able to talk freely about your issues with someone.

I can't drive yet, I don't want to go through the embarrassment of telling my parents and be on the receiving end of an interrogation, I don't want to add another cost to their care of me, I don't think it'll actually fix any of my problems. What could a therapist actually do for me? I've heard plenty of people say a therapist didn't do anything for them. Doesn't seem like its worth it. Frankly, I'm also somewhat dubious about psychology as a field of science and expertise. I want someone to hear me out, but I don't want it to cost money or require being driven anywhere.

I appreciated reading your thoughts, Jonny Dough. Thanks for sharing, I do hope it'll help to unburden you.

I appreciate any feedback too. Even if it's just criticism. I'm not unused to that. I love discussing stuff online, even if it is pretty much pointless.

Hiya Johnny. I know what is feels like to be on the receiving end of endless criticisms from family. They may very much love and care for each other but the way they do it may seem painful to the point where you feel singled out. I understand your not wanting to hang out, but consider meeting up as an alternative to introspection. Like practice keeping your cool while someone that you may care for does something that you can not stand. My grandmom tells me I do this wrong and doesn't tell me when I am doing something that others may view as taboo or cynical. So I remain focused on the positive and address the negatives as discreetly as possible- if at all. But consider these are things you've had to think about before going out. Be prepared for the negativity that might be there and be prepared to leave it behind. Consider exploring some of your other interest on other online communities like this one or through another creative outlet. You might be surprised how many others feel the way you do. And. btw, I think your focus in STEM is great but consider adding more art to your professional life too.

you made the first step!

WELL DONE YOU!

<3

Help is out there when you're ready, maybe look into online therapy? if no one close.
meditation is good, when practiced enough and guided ones on youtube, or spotify.

I've been having a lot doubts about posting this. I tried shopping around for other sites, but when it comes to topics like this, this seems like the best place for being heard and maybe getting some feedback. It's ugly, but that's what the trigger warning thing is for. I want to talk about my "sexual/relationships" issues.

Physically, I guess you could call me petite. Not very tall(in height) and slender. I've been called pretty before. Being around me wouldn't give someone a feeling of warmth or security. I'm not funny or "nice" either. These things don't make me feel inadequate. If given the option to transform into what's usually thought of as an ideal man, I would refuse. I like how I am. I'm pretty sure that i'm not a desirable person though. Not desirable in a "romantic" way. I don't think I feel insecure, I just feel "starved".

I'm not blaming woman. I think they're just not built to like my features in that way. They can't help how they're built just like I can't help I can't help how I'm built. I like to fantasize about lecherous woman who are attracted to my "youthful" features. I just do, and i'm letting that out there since I want to tell somebody and there's not much potential consequence in it compared to in real life.

I think humans are dysfunctional in our current enviroment. I've been getting the sense that our flaws are going to eventually catch up to us. I think people would be better if they were more like bees or ants. Even though I am the way I am, I think i'm a better citizen than a lot of people. I'm clean, quiet, polite, I don't cause anybody any trouble. The average person has probably done more to hurt others than I have. Technology is the only thing that gives me a modicum of hope. Most people like the idea of human exceptionalism, but people are just biological machines running on a program too.

I desperately want to feel some kind of acknowledgement. Even if they're "creepy", these are my feelings. I'm sick of pretending they're not. I'd love to hear some kind of new insight about myself from somebody, something I haven't heard before. I especially want to hear what woman have to say about all this, even if it's just contempt.