Sorry for the "Doom and Gloom" posts

Sorry that my last few posts have been all negative, but in my defense, everything that could've possibly gone wrong, did go wrong.

Last week, I was temporarily laid off from Enterprise because of this whole Corona Virus thing. I was actually surprised it didn't happen sooner. I already have an online account set up with the CRA. When I applied for EI, I hadn't been laid off yet, so I'm not sure what to do now until my ROE shows up. I've been looking for part time help at some grocery stores and Costco, but nothing as of yet.

Regarding school and second career, I had to take a two week hiatus after what had happened Valentine's Day weekend. A couple of weeks ago, I went to see Ali Rose, my learning strategist, to try to work out a plan to catch up on my school work. Since mid-terms were coming up, everything was compressed (not to mention I was still mourning and in shock over everything and wouldn't have been able to concentrate properly) and there wouldn't have been enough time to catch up.

I told this to Sarah Toupin, from second career, and I asked if I could start over in May. She said no, and because it would be the second consecutive time I would have to start over the third semester, they would close my file, effectively putting an end to second career, though she said I could reapply when I felt ready to handle everything. It's too soon to say if I want to go back and finish. The way this whole thing happened has kind of left a bad taste in my mouth. I just feel like this has been another abject failure. This was supposed to be my golden ticket to a better life, so to say. Just another set back and barrier, one that I might not be able to get over. I know going back to school at 39-40 wasn't going to be easy, but come on.

I had a meeting with a counsellor at the school a few weeks ago, and we discussed everything. I had told her that the program co-ordinator said to me in an e-mail that it was too late to withdraw. She did some back checking and said I had until the 19th, and even if I didn't I was off by two days. Luckily, I was able to withdraw.

When it comes to what I want to do next, I don't want to rush into anything, since I'm still not in the right frame of mind to make a big decision. Part of me wants to reapply for the third semester for an Autumn start. Another part of me wants to blow it all up and start over, seeing all of this as a sign, or something. I also want to eventually look for another job (especially since enterprise screwed up the taxes and I have to pay a ton of money back in part because of them), or try for ODSP or something, but again, I should try to hold off.

So, to sum up 2020 so far I:

• Lost my Grandmother in January
• Had my roommate die in the hospital, after I found her unconscious, hardly breathing (and after I tried to revive her by giving her chest compressions)
• Had Second Career taken away from me, really through no fault of my own.
• Have been (temporarily) laid off from my job.
• Haven't caught the Corona Virus.

It has definitely been a roller coaster. I was hoping things would be looking up in my 40s, but everything went off the rails too quickly. The next while is still going to be tough on me, and hopefully I can still count on people to help me through this. They say situations like this help build strength and character. Not for me, unfortunately. It has pretty much killed any confidence I had left. I've been knocked down hard too many times. It seems the higher I aim, the harder I fall.

Things have been hard the last 10 years or so. It all seems to have started when I was laid off from compass back in 2011. Add to that, the manager wouldn't send me my Record of Employment, which meant I had no income. This caused me even more stress. I was going to pursue legal action, but after talking with one of my former Managers from Montana's, she suggested to contact my MP (since the labour board is utterly useless), and it worked. As a side note, she offered to "take care" of the compass manager for me, but I politely declined, and thankfully it never came to that.

After that was:
Moxie's - A hostile work environment with lots of Gordon Ramsey wannabes disrespecting me.
CHEO - I was still burned out from all the issues with Compass and was broken hearted to have to quit.
Sodexo - The first Chef (the one who hired me) was fired two weeks after I started and the next Chef, as well as the rest of the staff, were constantly sarcastic and never made me feel welcome, like I was some kind of inconvenience.
Ashbury College - The Chef was a lazy idiot, who took pride in providing a hostile work environment and blamed everyone else for his shortcomings. Labortek - I was sent all around the city doing menial work, or jobs I wasn't trained for or qualified to do.
Aramark - It started off okay. The Manager never listened and would blow up at everybody. I was promoted to Sous Chef, then forced to take over catering department with no guidance or training. It was this job where my doctor told me to quit kitchen work before I had a heart attack.
Orleans Bakery - Was fired after four shifts for not being able to handle my job and the job of the person who didn't show up. I was also never paid for the work.
Civic - Like CHEO, I had high hopes for this only to have it come crashing down. In retrospect, I shouldn't have taken this job. I thought with it being only casual hours, I would be able to handle it. I was dead wrong. Orientation went well, but my first couple of days were shaky. They actually tried to fire me after one shift, but after you guys talked to HR, they did a 180 and took me back. I should've just said no and walked away. When a Manager gets in trouble for something involving you, even if you aren't at fault, you have made an enemy. Everything caught up with me and I started having anxiety and panic attacks again before and during work. I had to go on EI, then welfare (which really hurt what was left of my self esteem), ODSP, then my job at Enterprise.

None of those places worked out for one reason or another. Yet another reason why my confidence and self esteem are non-existent right now. When something happens, I always expect the worse possible scenario. I just can't think positive right now. I think I really need to take my time with this, something I should've done when I was let go from compass (mind you, my financial situation and, to a lesser degree, my pride got in the way).

I know life is a journey, not a destination, but I'm 40 years old now, and eventually I'll run out of track. The older I get, the less rope I have. As soon as I make a mistake, it's all over. People want young workers they can mold into. As a kid, I was told to not worry about trying to fit in, but the older I get, the more I realize that is a blatant lie. If you don't fit in, no matter how hard you work, you won't get anywhere. My experience is proof of that. I know life isn't supposed to be easy, but at some point I have to see progress. I'm just tired of feeling, and being, disrespected. Maybe I'm afraid of success, because I haven't really experienced it.

Every decision I have made has blown up in my face. I've done the best I can possibly do and it's not nearly enough. I will do my best to get through this, but I will need some help, guidance, and (for a change) some GOOD luck..

Sorry for the novel, but I wanted to let you know what has gone on and get some things off of my chest. I just want things to get better, but I don't know where to start. I just wish I knew what I was doing wrong.

What an awful, painful, trying, stressful year for you! I just cannot even imagine having to deal with all that basically at once. The fact that you are still standing is a testimonial to your inner fortitude. Good job!!!! I have enormous respect for you and for the huge accomplishment of you still being on your feet.

How is your physical health? Are you breathing okay? Febrile? I hope you are one of the ones who stays relatively well through all this.

I have to note that, while you were describing all these travails this year, I did not read very much about how your brain health, itself, is doing. I don't know your whole story. Are you making it through this okay? Obviously, it is discouraging. It would be for anyone. But is your mental illness flaring as well?

Sending you strength and support and hugs!!!! You will make it through this!!

My physical health is fine. I'm not showing or feeling any symptoms of the virus. I'm still getting some exercise by lifting a couple of 15 pounds weights every morning.

After getting (essentially) booted from Second Career, I was really miserable and low. I'm just so discouraged in that everything I have tried to do has failed miserably and I don't have any ambition anymore. I just want to give up.

I just feel lonely too. Having social anxiety makes it harder too. I'm afraid to talk to people I know. When I'm with people or going to a restaurant, it's like being in a play and everyone has a script but me.