Being stalked

Your situation is similar to an adult child going no contact with an abusive, immature, vengeful parent. Not that im mentioning any names! (Cough! Mom!) So i would say, you go no contact for your own sake, not theirs. So make that your mantra - dont engage with them. Read no contact stuff for support. Ya know, books n articles.

I'm sorry if this has been said already. When it comes to many people on the spectrum, they may understand what the problem is but struggle with understanding how someone else is feeling about it and putting themselves in their shoes. They REALLY don't get it.

Any response you give is an invitation. What's best for you is to block her, change your number and email address, and really commit to putting an end to any connections and conversations.

Her parents will always be her parents and they understand. She's limited, lacks understanding, and they love her deeply. One of the hardest things in life (IMO) is to raise a child with special needs. I won't go into details about that.. but it's likely the only way they know how to help her is to forgive. They, too, need to firm up on their boundaries because lessons always begin in the home.

I really feel for you. There's NOTHING you can say to have her understand. Don't engage, 100%. Take care of you and move forward. As you've said, she's a child.

You don't need police intervention. The definition of stalking is "two or more" unwanted communications. You have several IN WRITING, as well as you telling her not to contact you.

Instead of calling the police, take everything to the courthouse (or see if there's a way to do it online) and petition for a restraining order.

That creates a legal record proving her to be the abuser, so you can clear your name. If she is also slandering you, you can sue her for all those nice things people are giving her on grounds of defamation of character. Just find proof that she's slandering you (or libel)

Good luck

I'm sorry she is behaving in this abusive and immature manner at the expense of everyone else. I agree with reading no contact stuff for support. Don't engage with her. I would not want to ''touch'' that filthy person either. I hope she goes away!

Today's round of emotional dysregulation was beyond anything I had seen. He literally punched holes in his walls about every two feet along all four walls. His bed was overturned, trash was strewn across the floor, picture frames were shattered, clothing was torn and cut. His videos were pure, violent rage of him screaming obscenities at me, calling me all sorts of horrible things while he destroyed everything around him. I blocked him for the umpteenth time, he texted me from another number (likely a burner phone), I blocked it, he texted me from another number, I blocked it. This went on seven times today, but maybe he ran out of burners now. It was the same with email.

Wow, in the time it took me to write this, I got 30 texts from a new phone number and 20 emails from a new account.

Take care Jimi. I think your fuzzy friends in your avatar are adorable!

Thanks... I like rodents even if I can't have them now. I am lucky enough to have cats and a dog I share with a good friend.

We're so lucky to find two dog experts to help us catch the dog, she was totally in flight state. The expert let the dog out through two gates (I don't know what that is even possible), then opening the last one I guess ex friend finally realize the dog was scared and would take off so she started chasing the dog, believing she could catch a running dog. Dog just got more scared. I was just in time to put the cats back inside or they would be gone too.

After we looked for the dog the first night, I managed to really hurt my knee cuz I slipped on ice and I am hypermobile. But I felt as long as I can walk, I need to do what I can to catch the dog. Dog was so confused, she didn't know her new home and managed to pass the only bridge across the river, so she was on the other side of the river all the time in many different places, but never found the bridge.

Anyway after the first night, ex friend, friend and me sat on the couch. Ex friend tried to get friend on her side by saying "Look att all my blisters, you need to pity me". Friend just looked her in the eye and said "Well, I don't think you deserve any comfort, think of the dog instead with very thin coat having to sleep in the snow!" Ex friend had expected something else, the usual "Poor you" but it never came so she just got quiet. I didn't brag about my injuries, I managed to get frostbite second last day too and was excluded from the search. But as experts had been called in, they found her without me. I was just happy she came back. I wanted to be out there but there was no way I could have gone out that day. I more felt human and weak, rather that than any "Poor me". I wish I could have done more.

Something almost funny, before the dog took off, she say with my young and strong cat on her lap. She used to have a ragdoll that tolerated everything. I explained my cat isn't that breed so you have to be really careful. When you pet him, you can't hold him, he will stay if he feels safe. But he started to leaved and she held him down really hard. I got mad and said she had to let him go. She said that he must learn to be a nice cat. I said he is, but you are being cruel with him and you're making him scared and mad by giving him no escape. I told her this cat doesn't know how strong he is so when he will bite you he will bite down to your bone in your arm. She called him an insane cat and let him go just a second before I saw that he was really going to bite her. Actually I should have let him bite her.

Your stalker might not be as bizarre, but he is way more trouble than mine, and also more scary. I complain about a handful of messages and you get tons, and they are really sick too. He sure does not sound like a safe person. I feel a little worried now that he is so intense and won't let go. I'm not saying he is dangerous but from what you said, he could be. Mine is just messing up my mental health, and isn't contacting me as often. Now I don't know yours, but he sure sounds scary!!!

Mine has just hurt herself to let others see to evoke pity. She has said the worst things I've ever heard anyone say, but they haven't been threats, just words what she wanted should happen with me. I've breaken off twice with her, I should never taken her back the first time. But she seemed to not even remember what she had said.It was over a year before I kicked her out for good. She told me that she hoped my animals would die so I would hurt. She said I needed to lose all my friends. She said she prayed and hoped for my best friend to die. And my mom and dad she told me she wished would die too. And my sibling and their 7 year old. Told her I should lose my money and my house and have to live as homeless with no one helping me.

After several months I actually contacted her and showed her the message and asked her why she wished that on me. She said she didn't write that because we were just talking and suddenly I left not to come back which hurt her. I asked if she blamed what she said on someone else, but she said that she must have written it, and she was just a little upset, not a big deal since everyone gets upset at times. Yea, I've been upset with people, but I have never in detail told them how all their loved ones should die.

Finally I said to her that she only thinks she is bad off among our mutual friends, I told her what I was dealing with and what others had to carry around with them. Most of them try to fight back despite bad health, bad home situations and things like that. One of them, someone I knew more than she did, actually passed. To that she just cried and then told everyone so they could know it was time to pity her. Thing is, he was a dear friend of mine, they had talked a few times. Also, I felt the most bad for him, because this was the tail end of illness when everything was starting to clear up. They say you can't feel bad for the dead, but I felt bad for him anyway. He had such more to give, and after illness he had planned a big project, something he had put aside for years.

It's weird how I took her back and weird I put some one her stuff before mine. I guess midst craziness I couldn't tell her how crazy it really was.

At the beginning she sent mutual friends to talk me into talking to her. I asked if they knew what happened. They said ex friend had told them I kicked her out over nothing and overreacted. I told my side of the story, and they got quiet, said they know she can be weird sometimes but not that weird. Then they apologized for having bothered me, you could hear how shocked they were. But wasn't their fault, like everyone else they had just been manipulated.

Even if it is not a nice experience it is always nice to find someone who experienced the same stuff. Having no one that understands can be lonely.

I'm sort of the opposite to my ex friend, I want to know how and what people think from their standpoint, so I can understand them. I'm also "on the spectrum". But I don't see many similarities between out issues with that. Like I like socializing but I also need own time. She asked me why I'm not with my friends always since I have good friends. Her goal was finding someone to be near day and night. Basically never leave their side. I can also generalize, she could never learn stuff for school (or life) because she had to learn every little situation as separate. Also I sort of enjoy helping, I asked her help with two things all the time we knew each other and she said no. Most my friends have some type of autism o ADHD and none are cruel like her.

But thing is, most of us others, if we have a bad day, we feel bad taking it out on someone else if that happens. We know we did wrong. She thinks she always did right and it's someone elses fault. If she lies which is often, it's always someones fault. The times she had said sorry is when her mom instructed her to do so.

Many people made her a project to fix her. I'm glad I didn't think I could change her. I just tried for her to have a better life. It failed of course because she turned down all external help because "she didn't need that", she just needed a 24/7 friend. I wish she had picked up at that help at the beginning and maybe live in a group home, getting adapted school so she didn't need to cheat, and maybe she would learn to know herself. She said she wanted to know herself which I think in a way was honest, but she told me all her problems was cuz her mom didn't raise her right... Sigh, her mom sacrificed most things to teach her and help her. She refused the concept that this was something she was born with. Because she thought if her mom had been different she wouldn't have learning difficulties with everything when in fact her mom taught her all basics with a lot of patience. She said life was unfair because I was born in the country and I'm smart. I tried to tell her life isn't worst to her, but she thought she was the person worst off on the planet. She even said God did wrong that didn't let her grow up in Europe, cuz that would have been the right thing.

Ehh.. yea.

The weird thing is that she actually did learn a lot from me. Like how to hold a conversation and turn taking. How to use the Internet bank and how to read the bus time table. Also inspired her so she dared try learning some cooking. Big and small things. I wish she had been in a group home where people are paid to have her practice even more. And maybe go to a self help class. But if she wanted something her way it always turned out like that. Even if it was worse for her.

Babbling now.... but the absolute basic of everything is that it seems like these types of stalkers don't think they are stalkers. When we were still friends she could ask me if she should contact an old friend that had basically dumped or ghosted her. I said no of course. She told me she would follow my advice, next day it came out she had indeed contacted them and never gotten a reply and now she was crying because how could they be so cruel they can't even use five minutes on her. Then bawling for a full day. Kinda crazy but when she was sad she took pictures of her tears to send to others, to show them how much she hurt. IDK, it just makes me shudder.

No one has said I should contact her even to tell her to quit. I guess I can be really sure now that is the right way then. I can just block where I can block her, and try stop thinking of her. As for chat, I think I'll actually ask another moderator to kick her out, when she shows up. They wouldn't have a problem with that. Then I wouldn't even have to have that slight contact with her.

Thanks for letting me talk. Some things I can figure out fine, some things are like unfinished thoughts, then being allowed words, things might fall into place.

Thanks everyone for your input.

Thank you guys!

Restraining orders are really hard to get here! I have worked with a friend to help him getting a restraining order against a guy that used to be in the same club as him. The guy now makes daily really gruesome threats of violence to my friend, also threatens his friends and his pets! But still he hasn't managed a restraining order. Luckily he is not freaked out easily.

It seems like you say I should not contact her even to scare her into letting me go. I sort of felt that was the way to go but I really needed input. It might be better that she tries to contact me, and I still don't respond at all. Better than letting her win and yet again get my attention.

It's not like she's bothering the crap out of me. It's mostly that I forget all about her, then I hear from her and get reminded. I have really freaky thoughts when I can't stop them. Like that I want to cut her hair off because she depends a lot of her looks when she fools people, she is actually super cute. I hate having thoughts I am ashamed of. I want to be a civilized person. But she did three big nonos, she hurt my pet, she hurt my friend and damaged my home. So that really set off something deep and ugly inside me.

Also I feel stupid for not knowing how much she used me. She asked me to help me with homework and it always ended up I did her homework for her. After I broke off the friendship I can't believe I did all that. But she never gave up nagging, also she threatened with self harm if I didn't help, or told me I was selfish that didn't want to "help" her "just a little" as she called it.

Sucks to know what a fool I was. I'd rather forget that too!

She doesn't even understand that if she gets someone so mad that they hurt her she cannot go to the police since she is here illegally. She is scared of everything than things she should be afraid of.

No, Jimi, you're not babbling at all. In fact, thank you for sharing. Your story helps me think more rationally about mine. I think healthy venting like we're doing here is a good thing. Sad as it is, our experiences are stories, weird, dysfunctional stories, but I think it helps to tell it and find others who can listen and support us. It sounds like both of us have good coping skills for this, but I find venting out in safe places like this really calms me down. Like I said, I don't feel things very intensely, but I still get mad. I also researched BPD heavily once I realized what my stalker was suffering from. It led me here and I try to interact with people who have it to share and to get a better understanding of what it is. I really empathize with you on your stalker's sense of enmeshment. I always got overwhelming demands for 24/7 time and attention. When I got into my sarcastic phase with him I would say, "Be with you all of the time, huh? Well, I have this thing people call a job. Maybe you've heard of it. Many adults have one. You should try it some time." And he just wouldn't get it.

Wow, there are so many parallels in how our stalkers behave. Mine was absolutely convinced of the rightness of his actions. Alienating his family and friends was necessary so that he would have no distractions in being with me. "I did it for you!" he would scream. Trying to alienate mine was also necessary so that I would only have him to rely on. Fortunately, my friends are very close and all he succeeded in doing was making them detest him. I do get the sorrys when he is sobbing and begging, but it's more the backhanded sorry of I'm sorry you're a b***. Again, I got a chill when you said you tried to help her have a better life. We both seem to care about others and wish the best for them. My stalker was this manbaby son of immigrants who didn't fit in, was broke, lived in his parent's basement, suffered abuse both sexual and physical, was uneducated, awkward and shy. I tried to teach him how to carry on a conversation, how to improve his appearance, how to better groom himself, to find some motivation, some culture and I also tried to teach him what French and Japanese that I know. So, he felt I filled a void in him and would often tell me that he did not have any females, other than his mom, in his life since he was 15. I couldn't imagine not having any males in my life for nearly ten years. So basically he has no clue of how to interact with women, especially modern western women and he seems to hold onto cultural values of male dominance and that the woman must obey the man and not have any interaction with any other man other than her SO. I kept telling him in my US southern belle speak of, son, that dog won't hunt (that won't work) or you're barking up the wrong tree if you think I'll comply. Twice, before the drama went full on, my friends and I tried to set him up with a girl who had more traditional gender role viewpoint and he freaked, screaming that he only went after white women.

That must have been so frustrating. You put time, effort and care into someone, hoping that they improve and can become a functional adult and, like you said, they they repay you with out of control behavior. Wow, the pictures of her tears! You and I both shudder at that. I have so many pictures and videos of him crying like an infant that he sends to make me feel bad and show how much he hurts.

The latest is where he sends me videos, saying that if I would crawl back to him, he would forgive me, but he's sick of my behavior! It took a lot of cute panda, wombat and cat videos to calm me down, plus some heavy workouts.

I still think no contact is the best option for both of us. I think that any attempt to reach out, even to say, leave me alone, would just feed the fire. Obsession and stalking is such a weird thing, something that no rational person can fully grasp. My stalker and I had a break a month prior to the permanent break. Whenever I would say leave me alone for a while or that he needed to get his act together before I would interact with him again, it just fed the obsession.

Thank you so very much for sharing. It has really helped me process the whole thing. Stay strong!

Sucks that others had the same type of person in their lives. I mean, I am an adult and I was never dependent on her. I can't imagine how it would be to have a similar person as a parent! OK, my parents acted crazy a lot and weren't meant to be parents, but they never acted this bad. And then I know some people had parents even worse. Ugh. How can people be mean to kids even? Mine weren't mean, they were just exhausted.

Oh. My. God.

I felt a chill go down my spine reading your situation. I am going through something very similar at the moment. I seem to be a target for stalkers every couple of years or so. In grad school, I dated a guy once and he had this bizarre paraphilia in wanting me to beat him up in a pit of mud. He tracked me for years across numerous states in the US. I had another one a couple of years ago, who was more creepy and awkward than dangerous.

I have one now that I've mentioned in the Borderline Personality Disorder thread. As an amateurish guess, it seems like your stalker shares very similar traits with BPD and maybe with narcissism - instability with relationships hurt by chaos and manipulation, clingy, demanding of time and attention, self centered, etc. I can empathize in that my stalker was part of a group of friends. He was this shy, awkward, lost soul struggling musician with an abusive family. So, I mistakenly tried my best to help him and show him what it meant to be an adult (he's well into his 20s as am I) as he was so immature. Then, he actively alienated all of our mutual friends and attempted to alienate me from my friends so that he could isolate both himself and me so that we would be solely dependent upon each other. About six months into a friendship, he declared feelings for me and became a black hole of time and attention, demanding I be with him 24/7. Nevermind the fact that I'm married. I was never interested in a romantic relationship with him. I don't find him attractive, he's immature, he's broke, he's in horrible shape, lives in his parent's basement, is uneducated and has no career potential. It soon became a nonstop parade of antics and crises where I would have to rush over and save him when he would get beat up by his dad or brother. And then, he wouldn't let me go, constantly making excuses or reasons for me to stay.

He then began to make unreasonable demands on my time, my dress, my behavior and who I associate with. He tried his hardest to get me to abandon all of my male friends and to not even associate with another male. He would also insist that I dress conservatively, except in his presence. I laughed at all of this and his reaction should have been a red flag for me. I suspect that his demands were more cultural than BPD in this. When I reminded him that I was married this provoked a bizarre paraphilia that he revealed to me in that it had been his lifelong dream to "cuck a white guy with a white woman." He was obsessed with white women and when I tried to set him up with an Asian woman before I knew his issues he freaked out. He's Hispanic. He also became hypersexual, demanding sex all of the time and displaying crass, disgusting behavior. He had this off the wall fairy tale romance scenario in his head of how I would abandon my family and friends, throw my husband out, drive over to his house, make out with him in front of his family and friends to "show them", set him up in my house, be available to his every bizarre whim, quit my job, put him through school and teach him how to be a man.

Soon, the extreme emotional dysregulation with off the charts mood swings began to manifest. He would be in this nauseating lovey dovey mood, reading me love poems and giggling like a 12 year old girl. When I would deflect, or if I even dared to speak to another guy in his presence, he would flip his cookies. He would go from the pukeable lovey dovey to a screaming, cursing rantfest in seconds, calling me a b***, sl** or wh***. He would then try to intimidate me into compliance with his demands by punching walls, breaking things, threatening self harm, etc. On one occasion overnight when I left him after his latest crisis, he sent me a video of himself beating one of his guitars on the ground for around half an hour, it being just shards of wood and plastic for most of it, him screaming, "You did this! You did this! Not me!" This would be followed by sobbing, bawling, weeping, begging and sham remorse for his actions. Since I stopped contact with him I have hundreds of sob videos stored. He would then return to lovey dovey within an hour. It was exhausting.

I went from kind, patient and nurturing to sarcastic, rude and demeaning in the span of a couple of months. Before I knew it was BPD, I would provoke him by being friendly with guys in front of him and called him backwards and regressive. I told him, "Bro, you got no game" or "I'm so far out of your league I may as well be on Venus." It finally blew up about three weeks ago and I stopped contact with him. Blocking him didn't work. He just created different accounts. I let my voice mail fill up, which happened in a day. I went to the police and they said that he never directly threatened me. They spoke to him once, but it didn't slow him down. I get hundreds of texts and emails per day, interspersed with screaming/sobbing/giggling/selfie porn videos. He shrieks how I have been disobedient to him and that I need to submit to his will. He has approached his former friends who I'm still friendly with to intervene on his behalf. I'm thankful that he lives just far enough away that he can't make it on his rusty, rickety bicycle. Like you, my stalker should probably more afraid of me physically, but I never let my guard down.

I absolutely feel and empathize with you. Like I said, I got a chill just reading your story. I would certainly keep any correspondence between you that shows her pattern of behavior. I keep all of the texts, emails and videos. I know it's a pain, but I also document the unstable and violent behavior, time, date, place should I need to go to court for a TRO. I also have witnesses. The group of friends that we are/were a part of have all seen it and experienced his behavior as well. Like you, I'm not engaging and hoping that the star implodes or goes supernova somewhere else. It's been three weeks and stalker is not losing steam. Like you, this is life altering and it affects my behavior, my thinking and has negatively impacted the lives of those around me. It's awful to think about but we have to accept a new reality in our lives that has forever been changed by one obsessed person.

I wish you the best and my hopes are with you.

Alice

I'm sorry that you had to experience that! With my stalker? They were very lonely.

Thing is, I really thought she'd leave me alone. How stupid I was. She was just waiting to try to get into my life. She has emailed me twice, whatsapp messaged me twice. She will soon come to my chat room and pretend everything is for me. Like am I doing OK? She never cared. She cares about herself. She really thinks she can fool people. I could block her on whatsapp, it shows if you're blocked, but I won't block her from email since it doesn't show anyway.

I can't block her from chat since it is a huge chat network, which is a bit of a problem.

I haven't talked to her since December after telling her what I think. And I promised myself never talk to her again. But if she doesn't quit contacting me, I'll start thinking of her and it's not a good place to be mentally, since I really hate her.

....



So do I answer her and really make sure she understands she's not welcome, or do I just keep ignoring her? ....


So what do I do? Just keep on ignoring her and having her trying to contact me, very likely for years? With a few months apart. Or do I put an end to it and "touch" this filthy person? Ugh. I can't decide.

That seems to be a common theme too. He always told me how lonely he was. It was strange since we had been in a group of 8 to 10 friends when I first met him. He alienated them all and then said he was lonely. He would demand that I spend all of my time with him, but I told him I'm still friends with those in the group, plus I have a good amount of other friends so it was impossible.

Thank you and hugs! So, yours was lonely too?

I am having the same problem, basically. This guy I was friends with won't stop trying to contact me. I blocked him on texts and now he sent me a facebook chat message even though we've never messaged each other at all through facebook. Now I think he's going to start leaving messages on bits of paper on my car- he's done it before when we were still talking. He used to drive to my place and my mom's place and other places I used to frequent like Tim Horton's looking for me. I know this because he told me so! So now he's blocked on facebook, too. He just says stupid things like, "Happy Mother's Day"- that was his excuse to message me yesterday. Other days, he had sent things like, "I'm at such-and-such a restaurant. Join me if you'd like". My question is when do I call the police? He isn't threatening me, but he won't leave me alone and the facebook message he sent said "So and so has contacted you through your phone number"! Your story reminds me of mine. I'd like to learn from you. I haven't contacted him since mid-January, so four months!

Off to read more of the thread...

Moose

Wow, Moose, I hear you.

I've been commenting back and forth with Jimi about this type of thing. I've been flooded with email, voicemail, texts on phone, social media and gaming platforms. It averages hundreds of messages a day, every day, from benign to creepy. I blocked him multiple times but he gets around it with new accounts and burner phones.

I have tried to go to the police, but, like you, I haven't been threatened directly. They spoke to him once and it hasn't stopped. I'm probably going to get a TRO, but it may be difficult because the violent outburst videos and texts were a while ago now.

I hope for the best for both of us. I thought he would burn out at some point, but no such luck.

Absolutely! I had a speech therapist in grade school who had became obsessed with me all the way into high school who became my science teacher and an English teacher who became obsessed with me my junior and senior year in high school. One of my teacher became concern for my safety.