Gifts to out of state new grandson go unopened for awhile- I don't know how to accept

I would like to get opinions of others on whether or not this should upset me. It concerns gift giving to my long awaited grandchild who lives out of state. I am a 72 yr old woman, of moderate means, and as all grandparents do, I enjoy sending gifts at Christmas, birthdays, and occasionally just because. When they arrive in the mail, my son & daughter-in-law like to put the gift(s) aside unopened and it becomes part of the stockpile of toys, books, & crafts they can pull out when he is bored. This often means it is weeks or months before it is opened. This has taken away a lot of the joy of giving a gift. It seems to apply to all gifts to either of them, and from all gift givers. It was annoying before – when it was just the two of them – but now for my grandchild, it makes me feel angry and very disappointed.

My mailed Christmas gift – 3 pair of matching Ugg bedroom slippers (not cheap) got opened end of February. A toy I sent this spring was opened 2 weeks later – retrieved from the “stash”. A birthday gift for May 29 is still not opened as of today – 5 wks later. Gifts I have given – some are nowhere in sight when I come for visits.

This is how I feel gift giving should go down. The Giver wants to give a gift, thinks about an item that is needed or fun, shops for it, pays for it, and delivers it. The role the Receiver of the gift should play is to then open it in short order and express appreciation and/or excitement for the gift. It is what makes gift giving fun.

Earlier this year, I had determined that I would give my grandchild gifts only when I come to visit and give them to him myself, but now unable to travel because of covid, this is not possible.

My son & I have a good, close relationship but trying to explain how I feel seems to make him very defensive and annoyed and he obviously feels justified to wait on gift opening. It appears this is a mutual decision with his wife but I’m not sure he doesn’t just go along with what she decides. Apart from this being a disappointment, I think it is rude, actually.

How should I feel? How should I handle this? I would greatly appreciate feedback.

I stopped buying actual gifts for my daughter and started sending only money and gift cards to specific places or items that she requested specifically.

What she used to do was to say “oh thank you it’s so great” but then I’ll never see it so I started asking whatever happened to the item and she’d say it was wrong size or something she couldn’t use but didn’t want to hurt my feelings. So she’d pretend she liked it and then ended up giving it away or something. Well her fear of hurting me hurt my wallet! I wasted money on gifts she could not use!

Now it works out nicely as she buys what she likes with money I send and sends me a picture. Stop buying stuff. Send money or gift cards.

On the other hand. They like your gifts, they just use it strategically. It’s just how they do things. We can’t control other people but we control ourselves. So you can stop buying gifts or start sending money instead or you just accept that they have their own ways of receiving gift and stop taking it personaly.

Thank you. I will keep that in mind in the future. However, he is only 2 yrs old and my gifts are awesome and something any 2 yr old would love!! It is just his parents who burst my bubble at giving the gifts. I have not said much and know that I will come to accept this but at the moment I am angry and hoping others will give me perspective to accept. I truly appreciate your reply.

Hi, wanttoask, My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you enjoy having a grandchild and want the fun of being a grandma, which is great!

Your son might be defensive because he feels caught between you and his wife on the matter (possibly).

I understand what your son and his wife are doing, and it's a fun idea for their child. Space out gifts, rather than open them all at once and a day later, it's just a bunch of "stuff."

It seems that marking gifts by season would be smart ("winter item" or "for summer").

Overall, I'm going to second divine's suggestions. Cash or a gift card for something the child can choose is the best way to give your grandchild a gift.

I remember when my own children were growing up, their well-meaning grandparents would give them gifts that the kids didn't necessarily want, need, or use. Yet, at the same time, my kids would be saving up money for whatever it was they really did want. I remember wishing that their grandparents had added to the kids' savings, instead.

Something I was never taught as a child was to save money, and that has been a problem in my life. Saving money is an essential skill. Delaying gratification is more and more important in today's world. Perhaps by encouraging your grandchild to save money, or to go through the process of using a gift care (which is like spending money) you will be teaching him or her a truly useful lesson.

The only other suggestion I have is to take your grandchild shopping when you are visiting and allow him or her to pick out a few items.

Best to you

Child is only 2. His parents might think that ton of toys presented at the same time (by different people) is overwhelming for a child and they like to space it out. If you sent clothes, you’d not expect he’d wear it all right away if it’s different season or bigger size. Maybe that’s how you can look at toys. It’s not something he must use right this minute. When time comes he’ll play with it

When we send gifts we can’t really put a condition on it that it must be opened and used right away. We can’t put any condition on it actually. I still have an outfit with a tag on that my mom got me, it’s an outfit that I needed an occasion for and I didn’t have an occasion like that. Does it mean I am being ungrateful. No it’s just there until I can actually wear it.

I understand your feelings are hurt. But it’s what it is. I have no doubts your gifts are awesome. I myself don’t buy anyone gifts that aren’t awesome. But no matter how awesome they are, I think it’s ok to wait for a kid to play with a new toy.

Well when my daughter has kids I might be in the same boat as you. I’ve no idea how it would play out. Kids do things their own way. It doesn’t always makes sense to us

thank you for your response - yes, i do enjoy being a grandmother. I had to wait a loooooong time. It is my first grandchild and I am 72. I think the idea of gift card or cash is a good one - but for later years, maybe about 7 or 8 yrs. How can you go wrong with a water table, push toys, blocks, books, and the like?!!. No 2 year old is going to grasp the concept of cash and his parents both have very high powered six figure incomes and my little cash gifts would feel insignificant. I want him to remember grandma gave him a kite, or sandbox toys, or some such that I can watch him enjoy. I may sound like I am resistant to suggestions - I''m not - I take it all under consideration. This is my first experience with PsychCentralForums and I am so appreciative for the feedback.

Thanks Divine 1966. Point made. But as I said in my original post, I DO think if a giver goes thru the effort & expense to give a gift, the receiver should open the gift as if it mattered. Not put it aside unopened "for later". I think there is an obligation there and to not give the giver the pleasure of seeing your response is rude, in my opinion. If they need a stash of toys to bring out on a rainy day, then that let that be a stash they bought themselves for Kai's rainy day, not the gifts of others. Would you be happy if Christmas gifts you bought people were put aside and opened end of February. Or you go to a birthday lunch with a friend bring a gift, and she put it down & wouldn't open it? Especially if they were gifts that you were excited to give? I feel like just a purse in the end.

My point wasn’t that you shouldn’t be upset they don’t open your gifts. It’s understandable you are hurt. My point was that you cannot control how other people do things even if it makes no sense to us or we fund upsetting

We have zero control over other people but we have control over ourselves.

We can either change how we do things or accept the reality. Third option is to continue being upset over something you cannot change.

Hi wanttoask, and welcome to PC!

How you “should” feel doesn’t matter. You do feel hurt.

Typically, gifts are immediately opened and the sender is thanked.

My take on this situation is that they really don’t want or need the abundance of gifts. If they save them in a closet and open much later, they sure don’t need them. If they did, they’d open them right away and be thankful.

So, I’d stop sending the amount of gifts that would get put into storage. Just send less gifts, or bring them with you, so you and your gifts are appreciated.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wanttoask thank you for your response - yes, i do enjoy being a grandmother. I had to wait a loooooong time. It is my first grandchild and I am 72. I think the idea of gift card or cash is a good one - but for later years, maybe about 7 or 8 yrs. How can you go wrong with a water table, push toys, blocks, books, and the like?!!. No 2 year old is going to grasp the concept of cash and his parents both have very high powered six figure incomes and my little cash gifts would feel insignificant. I want him to remember grandma gave him a kite, or sandbox toys, or some such that I can watch him enjoy. I may sound like I am resistant to suggestions - I''m not - I take it all under consideration. This is my first experience with PsychCentralForums and I am so appreciative for the feedback.

I feel so bad for you. I am 57 and if I ever become a grandma (big "if"), it will be much later in my life. My grown children are both heavily into their careers and are financially far more well-off than I've ever been. I've thought about gifts, should I ever have a grandchild. No way could I financially compete with their parents. I don't know what I'd do, except take the child to visit special places.

I didn't realize that your grandchild was only 2. When my children were growing up they were taught to write thoughtful thank-you notes to every person who gave them a gift, for any occasion. Good luck finding kids who are taught that nowadays. But, things change. Kids Face Time with grandparents now.

If you've been very clear with your son about this, and he still resists, all I can think of is speaking with both your son and DIL when you can all be together. Voice your feelings in a way that they feel respected, but that you also make clear.

If they refuse to change I don't see anything you can do, not, at least, until your grandchild is older. It comes down to what divine posted...can't change them, can only change yourself. If you don't work on changing yourself, accept that you will feel bitter and resentful - which is not a gift you want to leave your grandchild with

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Originally Posted by TishaBuv Hi wanttoask, and welcome to PC! How you “should” feel doesn’t matter. You do feel hurt. Typically, gifts are immediately opened and the sender is thanked. My take on this situation is that they really don’t want or need the abundance of gifts. If they save them in a closet and open much later, they sure don’t need them. If they did, they’d open them right away and be thankful. So, I’d stop sending the amount of gifts that would get put into storage. Just send less gifts, or bring them with you, so you and your gifts are appreciated.

I agree.

Divine - yes, it is out of my control and I need to suck it up & accept it is what it is. Thanks for your input.

I appreciate everyone's input!!

I have in recent months actually began doing this.... putting all gifts aside for later. we live in the days of covid 19 where the virus can be passed from person to person from objects and people. There is no way to tell how many hands and people gifts going through the mail has gone through, how many of those that have handled items were carrying the virus and not realize it, how many forgot to wear their masks or gloves, how many.... so many ifs, whats and how manys ... uncertainties right now in this situation around the world. I tell anyone who sends my children gifts, cards letters or what not, that make sure the item is not parishable or time sensitive because that item will remain set aside in its own quarantine for a bit. given the seriousness of the virus and how it could affect those in my family all have understood.

my suggestion is maybe think of this as the fact that the item is being set aside is helping not only that childs boredom but also protecting their health.

Please forgive me I don't have grandkids but I have grand-dogs! I like to send them gifts. My son and his gal will send me photos when they catch the dogs playing with the stuff I send.


The point is...gifts are symbolic. They represent give and take. Sending love, receiving love.

For some reason these people don't get that. If they gave the gift to the child immediately, and said "Look, look what Granny sent" and acted all excited the child would begin to have a sense of this love coming to him from afar and he might even begin to recognize who the sender is. This builds bonds.


That's my take for what it's worth.

You can keep doing what you want. Call me crazy but your love will still travel to him if you are thinking about him and choosing a special gift. My son does not remember his grandparents who spoiled him and showered him with love from afar. Not just with gifts...but how they always kept him in their hearts. Their love is a part of him. So it doesn't matter what he remembers specifically. He was greatly loved as a child and he is a very loving adult. (Who always sends me thank you notes!)

Whatever you do with love will have an impact.

Congrats on becoming a Grand Mama!

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Originally Posted by DechanDawa Please forgive me I don't have grandkids but I have grand-dogs! I like to send them gifts. My son and his gal will send me photos when they catch the dogs playing with the stuff I send. The point is...gifts are symbolic. They represent give and take. Sending love, receiving love. For some reason these people don't get that. If they gave the gift to the child immediately, and said "Look, look what Granny sent" and acted all excited the child would begin to have a sense of this love coming to him from afar and he might even begin to recognize who the sender is. This builds bonds. That's my take for what it's worth. You can keep doing what you want. Call me crazy but your love will still travel to him if you are thinking about him and choosing a special gift. My son does not remember his grandparents who spoiled him and showered him with love from afar. Not just with gifts...but how they always kept him in their hearts. Their love is a part of him. So it doesn't matter what he remembers specifically. He was greatly loved as a child and he is a very loving adult. (Who always sends me thank you notes!) Whatever you do with love will have an impact. Congrats on becoming a Grand Mama!

I entirely agree with you. Sadly, the problem in this case is that the parents refuse to cooperate.

I understand. But it is not a forever thing, either. Covid will not be forever. The child will become older and in the future she can give him gifts herself and watch him open them. The worst thing would be to become estranged. That is....in families sometimes the children suffer if the adults don't cooperate.


Another thing that happens is no response. For years I sent my brother's four children gifts and never had any response. A few years ago I sent my brother an expensive book for Christmas and again no response. I didn't even know if he got it. I finally messaged my sister-in-law (who sent me a thank you note for the gift I sent her) and she said that yes my brother got the book. I never heard anything from him.

Now I only send gifts and cards to a very select few people...mainly the ones who acknowledge my gifts and thank me.

Stop buying gifts. Just give your love.

This message will be a bit convoluted. I'm sort of chronicling my very similar experience with my two nephews. Me and my mother have both been super frustrated--we send gifts and never even hear that they arrived, much less that they were opened and that the boys liked them. Last year, I wanted to buy my nephews these cute little color-changing lanterns to carry around in the dark. But I asked my brother what the boys might like to be sure it would be a good present. He said something space/NASA related. So I bought my nephews this space tent that looks like the space shuttle, that they can go inside and play in. And my mother bought the tunnel that connects to the tent. I never heard anything more about the gift--I never heard that it came, never got a picture, never knew whether or not the boys like it. I too am of modest means and that was it for me--I've never sent a gift since. I know it arrived because my mother confirmed having heard something about it, vaguely.

My mother in the meantime continues to send gifts and is constantly upset by how they're received. I complained to my father about it, who told me--"If you never have expectations, you'll never be disappointed." I had a lot of difficulty accepting this advice. I started sending my nephews cards and postcards instead, because I heard they liked getting mail. That went okay for a while, I guess because my brother acknowledged the arrival of the first ones I sent. But then...radio silence...I had thought I'd be less angry about it because the cards cost me very little $$, but I was wrong. I was extremely angry. I sent 3 sets over about 6 weeks; not one was acknowledged in any way, until I explicitly asked if they'd come. My brother was all vague, like, "Oh yeah, I didn't tell you?" I vented about it to my parents...a lot... My father again told me to lower my expectations, lol.

Finally, somehow--very recently--I let go of my remaining expectations regarding my brother. I stopped making the cards by hand, which was time-consuming and caused me to be more resentful when they were ignored. Instead, I bought a box of 100 Star Wars postcards. I send each of my nephews 1/week. The boys are nuts about Star Wars. My reasoning is: toys are broken/outgrown/etc, but often one saves one's correspondence for life. Not to mention letters/postcards are a forgotten art. I write them detailed messages, often about Star Wars lore and the history of the image on the card, which I hope they'll enjoy more and more as their reading skills improve. I refuse to dumb down my messages; I rather the boys grow into the text than that they're left with a bunch of letters meant for a 2 or 5 YO. At the bottom, I include a few sentences about what's going on with me. It's more affordable than gifts and over the years will accumulate into solid evidence I wasn't a deadbeat aunt!

When I put them in the mail, I always just tell myself--"I'm not going to think about these cards anymore. If my brother tells me they came, great. If he says nothing--that's what I'm expecting anyway..."

So...I don't exactly have advice for you yet because your grandchild is only 2...and of course you want to send gifts... But lowering my expectations (as if they weren't low to start out with, sheesh) helped me a lot. And transitioning from gifts to cards/postcards also helped me. Sometimes on the cards, I write "Please let me know when this arrived so I can start preparing the next one." My brother's flaky, but the boys never fail to tell me their cards came because they want more Star Wars mail. For their birthdays, I buy them $15 popup cards of Star Wars spaceships. No gifts.

IMO--I would LOVE to have a ton of cards from my grandparents, full of their personalities/histories/humor that I could read and reread.

Someone who gives a gift should be giving without expectation. Their child, their system. If you don't agree, stop sending them because you have this set of "rules" you seem to think they should follow, so the spirit of the gift is ruined.

People are not required to do anything you want them to do.