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Erecura
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Default Aug 02, 2020 at 01:40 PM
  #1
I really don't know. I used to be pretty unhealthy when I was a teen and in my early 20s. It was stuff like depression, eating disorders and some self harm. Now I'm in my late 20s and I honestly much better than I did when I was younger, but still question wether I should seek help or not.

First of all, I'm doing very well in life. I have a dream job, really good career, 4 year relationship, building a ground for even a better career, family and I'm probably getting engaged soon (at least that's what my partner says). I'm actually doing better in life than most of the people I know. Generally, even when I struggle with myself or something in life, I try to find an inventive and unconventional way out that somehow usually works and this helps me a lot.

Knowing a way out of troubles, doesn't mean that I don't deal with feelings. Feelings that are really uncomfortable and habits that are like this too. But when I read about diagnostic criteria, there is always said that the problem must be a serious issue for the person. It must make his work or personal life really difficult and... neither my work nor my personal lives are difficult. I handle work really well, I have friends, family, a partner. Generally people like me.

Yet... I drink. Once again, I don't know if the dirking's an actual or not. I only drink in the evenings and I only get myself tipsy, never drunk. I need it for several reasons. First of all, I'm super busy and my job is extremely competitive, stressful and intellectually challenging. When I get home from work, I just find it difficult to calm down, so I need something to help me relax.

Second of all, I feel really good when I'm on the go, when I have stuff do, work to finish. But once when everything calms down, I feel empty. Like there's nothing for me to do and nothing makes any sense. The feeling of emptiness is the worst. When I let it roll, I end up feeling like the whole existence is pointless and I should never do anything, because everything will turn into dirt and ashes in the end. I get anxiety from this. Serious, crippling fear that can lead to panic attacks when I don't make myself numb.

Usually, when I don't drink for a day or two, I fall asleep feeling terrified of the emptiness that is all around me.

Third, when I don't drink... I feel bored. I'm really concerned with being successful and productive, so I make myself daily plans. They contain everything from work and hobbies to exercise. After a whole day of being a really good girl, I just feel so boring and predictive that I need to remind myself of at least a little riot.

I also excessively daydream of great, deep and wired emotions. I feel so much when I'm alone. When I dream, make up stories, listen to music and read poetry, but nothing in real life really makes me feel. I seek for the depth of feeling in real life that I feel in books and movies, but nothing real is like that. So then I just feel empty and unsatisfied. I can feel so much when I listen to an inspiring speech or listen to great music but dealing with people day to day, all live me so ****ing cold, numb and bored.

When I was younger, I used to think that if I make myself a really great person and I'll meet equally great people, the feelin' of boredom would go away, because everyone will be interesting. And so, whenever I felt like I wasn't good enough, I cut myself or went for a water fast for days straight.

Now, I'm an adult and I don't do that anymore. I've achieved most my ideals. Yet, people I meet and things that I experience are still unsatisfying and mostly bring me numb feelings.

I have a book deal and I write about exciting, reckless experiences that actually evoke extreme feelings within people and I feel a little satisfied writing and imaging it, but I'd like to actually feel something in real life.
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Smile Aug 02, 2020 at 02:54 PM
  #2
Thanks for sharing this. I don't really know what to tell you about it. I wonder if you've looked into the concept of Childhood Emotional Neglect. Some of what you wrote seemed to me to sound like what I've read regarding CEN. Here are links to 9 articles, from PC's archives, on the subject:

The Face of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)

Invisible, Powerful Childhood Emotional Neglect

The 2 Types Of Childhood Emotional Neglect: Active and Passive

The Unseen Root of Many Disorders: Childhood Emotional Neglect

7 Signs You Grew Up With Childhood Emotional Neglect

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/child...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/child...t-angry-empty/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/child...-of-emptiness/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/child...n-a-full-life/

And then here are links to 2 articles that talk about feeling empty & what to do about it:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-y...-what-to-do-2/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/sext-...eling-nothing/

Best wishes...

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"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
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Travelinglady
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Default Aug 02, 2020 at 07:52 PM
  #3
I'm not a professional, but therapy has been a lifesaver for me, and I think it can help you feel less empty and more alive when you don't drink.
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Default Aug 04, 2020 at 12:05 AM
  #4
I can't tell you what to do but honestly, even you are admitting to warning sign type thoughts and behaviors. The very fact that you are asking if you need therapy, suggests that perhaps it is worth exploring.
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