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Become0
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Confused Aug 14, 2020 at 01:06 PM
  #1
I have a couple issues with my mental health and trying to figure out what's going on up there.
Before I start I wanted to mention I have been seen by many doctors as recent as two years ago being diagnosed with multiple things. I stopped taking the medication with doctors approval in the beginning of 2018. And been living with these issues ever since and able to cope with it for the most part.
It's almost driving me crazy trying to figure out what is going on in my head at the moment and when I attempt to talk about it with anyone my head starts filling itself with thoughts about how they think I'm crazy or I won't make sense anyway.
Last thing I want to say is that I'm very aware of myself and notice things more easily than most people but this is the one thing I can't get to.

It's like I have two different mind-sets. For example, let's say I'm going about my day like usual and my boyfriend texted me. Random and impulsive thoughts start getting into my head saying things like how I should start a fight with him or take time to manipulate him and mess up his mind. Of course I don't go through with it, I mean how could I? I love him and I would never want to hurt him in any way. I brush those thoughts off almost immediately but for some reason in the back of my mind I feel an urge to just do it.
Another example would have to be when I'm taking a test on my mental health. This example might relate more towards my small bipolar issue but it doesn't feel like it's just that. I could be taking a test and having a question come up about.. let's say.. my appearance and if I think I'm ugly or have a lot of flaws. I have mini arguments in my head before I answer this question. I know for a fact I'm beautiful and I get told this a lot but in the back of my mind I don't feel like I am. I feel like I'm horrific to look at and I wouldn't want anyone to see me. What's weird is that I play both roles everyday. Sometimes, I'm confident, wearing things I know I look great in and other times I can't even get out of my room and risk people looking at me. And only when I look in the mirror I see myself as an attractive person. When I don't look in the mirror I start thinking I'm ugly.

Keep in mind these are only a couple examples that happen in my head. People I know don't know this part of me because I keep it well hidden. They only know me as someone who is confident and kind to everyone and I'm certain I'm not that kind of person.

I need help on what's going on with my head, what to call it, and how to decrease these horrible wants and thoughts.
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Default Aug 15, 2020 at 01:34 AM
  #2
Hey @Become0

Quote:
Originally Posted by Become0 View Post
This example might relate more towards my small bipolar issue but it doesn't feel like it's just that. 1`
What do you mean by this? I do not believe in small bipolar issues. Who used that term? An therapist? bipolar isnt really small or big. It can impair your life and when it does it isnt small, its bipolar. Are you BPI or BPII? What other diagnosis's were you given?

Why did you stop taking medication?
Quote:
I need help on what's going on with my head, what to call it, and how to decrease these horrible wants and thoughts.

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Default Aug 15, 2020 at 05:13 AM
  #3
Well I was around 13 when I got diagnosed with bipolar and given medication for it by a doctor. I don't know what the medicine was called because my parents handled everything at the time. My parents and I ended up disliking her because of her rudeness after a few appointments so we moved to another doctor. The bipolar diagnosis was already in the system and from what I know, the next doctor didn't really look into it so I just stayed with it for a couple years. They kept calling it mood stabilizers.
I only realized what doctors meant when they called me bipolar a few years later when I went off my meds.
Out of nowhere I would have crazy episodes of panic attacks and severe depression and nothing triggered it or anything just one day woke up and felt horrible and then a couple days later or so I would feel fine and want to hang out with my friends again and do fun things.
I'm sorry I couldn't give you more information on what I mean on "small bipolar issue" I was only informed at a young age and it wasn't much so I downsize it cause I'm really not sure and I rather not speak about it with my family.

To answer your question about why I stopped my medication was because that entire time this was all happening I was taking around four to five different types. All of them were messing with my head and reacting with each other in a very negative way. Those years were traumatizing and my head automatically took some memories away but I know it made me extremely aggressive, I felt empty and bitter all the time and I wasn't myself at all. After many times of attempting to convince my mom to take me off my meds she finally did it and I prepared myself for whatever mental illness was coming my way. I learned how to cope with it myself.

From 13 to 15 I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bipolar, ADHD, PTSD, and paranoia.

I'd also like to inform you that I'm 16, almost 17 in October.
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Default Aug 15, 2020 at 03:52 PM
  #4
It sounds like you might need another evaluation w a good psychiatrist. Do you think you could maybe arrange that?

We do not really diagnose people here, but we will share with you and support you and love you. That part, we are super good at.

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Default Aug 16, 2020 at 01:55 AM
  #5
I could try to set up an evaluation with a psychiatrist, the only problem is my family and I are currently living in Europe on military orders so it's a little more complicated. We also don't like speaking about my mental illness. It's a very sensitive topic but I do believe I really need that. I'll talk with my doctor on referrals and a physicist they might recommend at a future appointment. Let's hope I can find good one.
Thank you for all the advise and letting me know I have support
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Default Aug 17, 2020 at 11:10 PM
  #6
Stand up and advocate for yourself. We are always here, 24-7. Have fun--Europe is awesome!!

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