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Trig Aug 25, 2020 at 12:33 AM
  #1
Sorry didn't mean to post all that...
Trigger warning- if you want a box around the text flag it.

Any one tried suicide but yet no one wanted to talk about it?

I've had struggling thoughts of failing at times... just wondering

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Default Aug 25, 2020 at 08:10 AM
  #2
Seeing the views and yet no discussion, I am sorry to bring it up.

I didn't write my thought fully out, I'm sorry it's such a taboo subject or unrelated subject to others if so.

What I mean by "no one wanted to talk about it?" Is for me,, no professional wanted to talk about the feelings or thoughts on how One failed... just get back out there and up.. echoing advice from one staff that some times you just have to fake it to make it... it's tiring if you relate.. some times impossible

I remember vividly and still have reoccurring thoughts and feelings that I failed, questions of why, and more of guilt with failing.

In part of my long babble that I shortened I did mention I KNOW 'just go get help' and try and hard work pays off..
how many professionals does one have to talk to, and how much time, energy ,and money and so much more,, needs to be spent to get this. ppl Don't know me, and the heartache on those words while probably meant in the best intentions.

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Default Aug 25, 2020 at 09:27 AM
  #3
This is how i feel: I think i have a strange kind of DID, that i wish i could hang on to, that the real me is only activated in times of real stress, but thats the me i like the best. Like when my dad died, for those 4 days i was in a heightened state of awareness. Sometimes when im really sick. Im not sure i get there anymore, being on psych meds. But THAT ME has a life force. Which really surprises me. I wish i were more aware of it in daily life, it seems it could be useful. Maybe exercise would make me more aware of it.

Other times i see stories about suis not succeeding and people then undergo face replacements? And that is just horrifying to me. I just want to go back in time. It feels very claustrophobic.
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Default Aug 25, 2020 at 12:01 PM
  #4
I was there for about 10 years (1994-2004). I know if I had the psychologist I have now, she would have been able to talk me through ALL the attempts I actually had. No one, not even me, had a clue as to what was actually causing me to feel that way. (I do now after I finally left my marriage after my mom died).

Everyone from my psychiatrist to the people in the hospital to the people around me were like "just stop doing it". Getting my dogs, showing them, getting my horse I had wanted ALL MY LIFE & riding & showing him....NONE of it fixed how I was feeling that caused the suicide attempts. Think it did get better when I kept my soulmate doggie (Leo) out of the Christmas 2002 litter of puppies Destiny had that year.

I didn't start to realize what the real reason was until I moved away (2100 miles) from everything with Leo. Then I was able to start connecting the dots. It was actually wonderful when I connected with the 2 best psychologists I ever had because we talked about it all & especially the one I have now (the other one retired). We actually talked through WHY I had felt the way I did & WHY I did what I did with the attempts & she actually validated that what I experiences was a rather normal response to the situation I had been in. Interesting because since I left, I left those suicidal feelings behind too.

The problem was that talking wouldn't have helped because in my own mind I had no clue as to why & I sure didn't have an understanding of my emotions at the time either. I had been a successful computer engineer who only thought "logic" but had no understanding of any emotion other than ANGER but I really didn't totally understand why I felt it at that time either.

Now I understand it was my response & reaction to having been trapped where I was in the marriage I was in.....basically the last 13 years of the 33 year marriage & I was too involved in my engineering career & my flute performing to really pay attention to getting out before that. Interesting how my understanding all came together after my mom died, I sold her house & left the part of the country I had lived in for 54 years of my life.

I have FINALLY grown into knowing myself these last 13 years, living alone on my farm in the country. I work hard but also have time to reflect on my own feelings without them getting garbage up by someone else's feelings trying to make me feel differently.

(PS....I totally lost count of the number of attempts I made during those years & it is a miracle that I survived those years unharmed)

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Default Aug 25, 2020 at 03:39 PM
  #5
Not suicidal, but I refused a biopsy a few months ago, partly because I wouldn't treat anything they found anyway.
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Trig Aug 25, 2020 at 04:01 PM
  #6
I hate the fact that I've failed. hate it

in the past I have tried at least 5 times to end it, and to be honest, when I look back on them, even though it was scary, I wanted it. wanted it so badly (like it wasn't just a spur of the moment thing)

I first made a serious attempt at age 9. a lot of people still look at me now and are like 9, did you know what you were doing so young?

yes, yes I did- and I still think to this day, what was so messed up I tried even before my teen years

during my most serious attempt

Possible trigger:


apart from the extreme grief I felt at the time because of the attempt, that hurt- knowing that I don't have support of my family. I'm in hospital, and their sitting at home cheering me on to end it.

I'm still their now if I'm honest. every day I look at my life and think what is the dam point of it all. everything that could go wrong in my life, has gone wrong- it basically should be over (or basically never should have begun)

I don't find this a difficult subject to talk about. I did it, I did it because I was unhappy, and this needs to be shared (it's better than adding to the stigma)
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Default Aug 25, 2020 at 06:42 PM
  #7
Gratefully survived two extremely serious attempts. Mine were due to commands in psychosis.

I believe my surviving these two events was due to miracles. White-lit tunnel. Whole thing. I can share that from my experience, succeeding would not be a positive rhing.

Hugs.

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Default Aug 26, 2020 at 04:57 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bpcyclist View Post
Gratefully survived two extremely serious attempts. Mine were due to commands in psychosis.

I believe my surviving these two events was due to miracles. White-lit tunnel. Whole thing. I can share that from my experience, succeeding would not be a positive rhing.

Hugs.


I am glad you came out the other side and survived. we would miss you if you didn't
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Default Aug 26, 2020 at 05:13 AM
  #9
I survived an attempt in my late 30's and to this day I regret failing. Life mentally has been nothing but a struggle, I am miserable all day long and I keep waiting for something great to come along that made living all worth it. Everyday I keep saying..."Oh I survived for this?" or "Tell me why again I need to stay alive?". I have no children to anchor me here. Honestly the only reason I am above ground is because of the slightest chance hell actually exists.

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When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
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Default Aug 26, 2020 at 08:21 AM
  #10
I also believe that surviving my very serious attempt was a miracle.

I feel bad for everyone who is suicidal. It usually means you are hopeless, sad, not valuing yourself as you should and/or (especially this last one) have survived or are in the middle traumatic relationships or events.
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Default Aug 27, 2020 at 02:50 PM
  #11
Quote:
Originally Posted by beauflow View Post
Sorry didn't mean to post all that...
Trigger warning- if you want a box around the text flag it.

Any one tried suicide but yet no one wanted to talk about it?

I've had struggling thoughts of failing at times... just wondering
I been there myself.
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Default Aug 28, 2020 at 05:00 PM
  #12
Last time I tried was Thanksgiving last year.


No one wants to talk about it. We just pretend it didn't happen.

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Post Sep 02, 2020 at 10:50 AM
  #13
Im not sure if what I'm going to write is what You meant ...but I have attempted suicide several times in the past ...the closest I git was October 2nd 2002 ... I overdosed on over 70 or 80 pills ...I don't know the exact amount but I know roughly is about that many. 2 different types of medications ....and alcohol ....I had been depreseed that whole summer .....I was working overnights doing stock work ....whenever I went through times of depression I always saufht out jobd working 2nd or 3rd shifts. Mostly in warehouses where not alit people worked those shifts
That day I had been crying all day ...I called do called friends to talk to but they were too busy doing things with their wives ....I had planned on taking those pills for almost a month but that day the depression hit hardest and that night I took the pills
Ended up having two seizures ,in ICU for days ,I wasn't happy when I woke up ....I did want to die....
Niw I was missing work without pay ...with rent and bills to pay ...I when git mad at Dr who saved my life
Needless to say after a weekend in ICU I had to go mental health hospital . .the pharmacist there had to know what I took before dr could prescribe any meds ...after I told her she said the amount of pills I took and what they were in top of alcohol I should be dead ...she said someone up there must want me around awhile longer ....
Sometimes I wonder why ? .....
A cousin of mine shot himself several years ago ...tho it was sad I understood why he did it ...he too had a rough life .....tho I know how messed up this might sound but In a way I envied him for suceeding where I failed ...
I'm not suicidal now but honestly with all going on sometimes I wish I suceeded that night ....
I don't mean to sound so depressing ....earlier this year I lost another close friend to suicide ....I miss her but understood why ....
I keep going everyday holding on to some kind of hope ....
Thank You for letting me share this ....also want to let everyone know I'm not in a crisis ....I'm kinda depressed with all going on but I know what to do if I was in a crisis I would call crisis line ...
I just felt this was something I needed to share ....
Please stay safe everyone ok ....
We have to hold on to hope ....it's what keeps me going ....
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