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Cuffed
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Default Aug 27, 2020 at 09:20 PM
  #1
I'm sorry about how messy and all over the place this is going to be, I'm in a very desperate state of mind but I'll try to make it clear what I want. Before I start I want you guys to know that I genuinely think that this problem I'm dealing with is almost like no other, its very different and I haven't been able to find anyone else who's dealt with something like this before no matter how much I've searched, this also isn't just me dealing with having "bad days" or anxiety, and if anyone thinks they can help me find what exactly is going or where I should go to for help please message me privately.

I'll try to make this as short as possible.
Basically what I'm dealing with is "something" causing me to do things worse, from writing to talking, typing, thinking, playing games, etc. It is like a switch that is very literally ruining the way I function. Even as I type this it I struggle to come up with the right words and explanations for this which has caused me to lead some of my past therapists in the wrong direction.

After around 5 years of trying to figure out what's happening I think I've finally started to close in on what's really happening. After all this time I've realized that this problem is "all mental" which for me this means the problem is with my thinking or confidence or whatever. It took me 5 years to start focusing on how I think before I do something. Now before I do anything I try to focus on what goes on in my head before I do something that is usually affected by this "problem" (I'm very sorry I don't know what to call it so I'll keep typing problem). My main way of doing this is playing games, more specifically a game called "Apex Legends", I rarely actually play the game I just hop into a "training mode" which is something that gives you multiple targets and multiple weapons of your choice. I then repeatedly shoot at these targets while keeping track of what goes on in my head. I've done this an immeasurable amount of times for hours on end and as of now the only thing that seems to "reverse" this problem is not picturing myself miss these shots before I take them, which is something I've found that I do instinctively, I've generalized this to saying that "I dwell on what could go wrong before I do something" but like I said I do this almost instinctively and after 5+ years I cant really change how I think just like that. I'm sorry.

I took a very odd turn with that paragraph I should have added some background. I'm 17 now and I have been playing games for as long as I can remember. My main way of trying to find strategies to stop this "problem" is through games since it's easiest to notice a change in my performance when I am playing these games, that and there's just a weird constant feeling in my head that's associated with this problem( this feeling tends to overwhelm me when I fail to "fix my thinking" and causes me to crash in the middle of these training mode sessions ) but when I manage to cease the type of thinking that causes me to perform worse this feeling seems to fade away.

Here's some other information that popped up into my head that I feel like I should share... My first shred of hope was when I tried searching up my problem was an article called "What is tilting?" Tilting is a gaming term that refers to when a person is playing worse due a losing streak or bad mood. This isn't what I am dealing with but at the time I constantly searched up things like "why am I always tilted?". Anyways what really stood out to me was when the author of this article mentioned the Conscious and Subconscious parts of the brain, he talks about how the subconscious part of the brain is much better at handling complicated tasks than the conscious and how the wrong type of thinking can cause you to use your conscious to perform these more complicated tasks. In the article he compares the conscious part of the brain to the RAM components of a computer which is designed for short term data storage and to quickly review process and discard new information. My question is am I using the wrong part of my brain to do things? Here's a link to that post if you're interested.
(cant post it sorry)

There's a psychotherapist called Anthony Galie who makes these videos on YouTube of him going to schools and hypnotizing students. These videos are always very interesting to watch but there is a quote he always said that I feel could be important it goes " Being conscious of unconscious processes destroy them ". This may go hand in hand with the whole Subconscious and conscious thing but probably not, am I on the right or wrong track, I honestly haven't got a clue I think all this self diagnosing and strategies is starting to lead me in the wrong direction now. I've always tried to fix this by myself and I think I may have dug myself into a huge hole because of that.

There's one more thing ~ A person named Brandon Burchard made a video talking about changing mindsets, to this day I think that's what I really need to do. I need to switch from a mindset that always expects myself to fail (since that's the root of the problem maybe? idk) to a mindset that either doesn't see myself failing or always seeing myself succeed. That may be the answer to my problem but at this point I think I've 100% found the problem but 0% fix it.

1 more paragraph that you don't really have to read this is just going to be me ranting because I need to talk about my current life situation somewhere....
Honestly If I cant fix this problem I wont be able to be a functioning member of society I wont be able to achieve anything because having to deal with this problem makes reaching goals impossible. I've never heard of a problem that literally makes you do things worse ***? why is it when I change my thinking I'm suddenly able to do things normally, it sucks knowing after playing a couple thousand hours of the same game a person who has much less experience than you can beat you just because you cant control your own body. I have to live through life always cutting corners to make sure I don't get into a situation where people depend on me, I hate having to come up with a plan before I say a sentence just so I don't stutter or slur my speech, I hate having to try to apply all these strategies to everything I do. You don't understand how it's like to live like this and I doubt anyone in the world does I feel like I'm missing something every other human has. When in my life did this happen? I wasn't always like this. I want to be able to be an online entertainer but to do that you have to be interesting and good at something, but I cant do either of those when I cant even control my own body. This is my last year of high school, If I cant get over this how do I expect to go to a college that is halfway across the US, I've never been a person that takes the initiative of things, I've always stayed inside and lived on my computer. For the past three years I've been trying to get a job during summer break but its like every single manager quits on me halfway. This summer I waited months just to get a call back from a manager at Wendy's telling me that they're full on employees, now I cant make the goal of getting at least 1 job during high school come true, I've never paid for anything online in my life I just want to know what getting a package after a couple weeks feels like. I genuinely think that if I can get past this problem I will be able to make everything I dream of come true. I will make it to college, I will be able to become and online entertainer because I KNOW I can do it I KNOW I have what it takes. Once I can get past this bs I can start providing for everyone around me and that's all I want to do really. And maybe once I've achieved that I can become a music artist and make a couple of albums talking about my life journey and maybe make a couple of singles that blow up so I can go on stage and have a crowd of people sing my song for me, I really want to know what that feels like. someone please help me I'm all over the place and I don't want to live like this anymore.

Last edited by bluekoi; Aug 27, 2020 at 10:54 PM.. Reason: Profanity edit.
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Default Aug 28, 2020 at 01:18 PM
  #2
Dear Cuffed,

I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be so confusing, distressing and disheartening. If I had any helpful personal wisdom or insight to share with you I would certainly do so, especially since this is adversely affecting you so much. Sadly I lack that kind of wisdom and insight. Maybe this is a bad idea, but since the therapists you have seen have not helped you with this, do you think seeing another therapist would help? I had to go through quite a few therapists before I found one who was able to help me understanding what was going on inside my mind and find answers. I do hope you find some relief. You deserve to have some peace of mind.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
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Default Aug 28, 2020 at 03:40 PM
  #3
If you want to try changing your mindset, you may want to try meditation. I tend to be the glass half empty type of person since I've been seemingly living under Murphy's Law of "if anything can go wrong it will" for a while and sometimes it's hard to get clarity with what's wrong and how to fix it. But at least for me, I feel like meditation (and I mean the kind that specifically works to "train" and "rewire" your brain) really works to give me a more positive mindset and clarity on what the root of my problems are and how to go about solving them. Almost seems like you use video games in a similar way, but with meditation I like how you can just sort of wipe the slate clean, so to speak and basically start with a clean slate.
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Default Aug 28, 2020 at 06:29 PM
  #4
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Originally Posted by Yaowen View Post
Dear Cuffed,

I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be so confusing, distressing and disheartening. If I had any helpful personal wisdom or insight to share with you I would certainly do so, especially since this is adversely affecting you so much. Sadly I lack that kind of wisdom and insight. Maybe this is a bad idea, but since the therapists you have seen have not helped you with this, do you think seeing another therapist would help? I had to go through quite a few therapists before I found one who was able to help me understanding what was going on inside my mind and find answers. I do hope you find some relief. You deserve to have some peace of mind.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
I very recently just transferred to a new therapist due to my other T switching to a different agency, I cant say I like this change at all since he told me he knows what's going on with me and how we can fix it. My new T is very nice but I have a strong feeling that she wont really be able to help me with this problem, that and she's already focusing on more of my family related issues instead of what I want. I may just cancel our sessions and try a different agency. Thank you for responding to me
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Default Aug 28, 2020 at 06:31 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by Fractal Night View Post
If you want to try changing your mindset, you may want to try meditation. I tend to be the glass half empty type of person since I've been seemingly living under Murphy's Law of "if anything can go wrong it will" for a while and sometimes it's hard to get clarity with what's wrong and how to fix it. But at least for me, I feel like meditation (and I mean the kind that specifically works to "train" and "rewire" your brain) really works to give me a more positive mindset and clarity on what the root of my problems are and how to go about solving them. Almost seems like you use video games in a similar way, but with meditation I like how you can just sort of wipe the slate clean, so to speak and basically start with a clean slate.
Is there a specific name for this type of meditation?
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Default Aug 29, 2020 at 04:55 PM
  #6
From what you share it sounds like you got very addicted to game playing. Too much game playing is not healthy for your mind. You need to put more focus in the real world and reality.
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Default Aug 29, 2020 at 10:06 PM
  #7
Mindfulness Meditation. I'll see if I can find some links to post here, to give you a better idea of what I'm talking about.
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Default Aug 29, 2020 at 10:31 PM
  #8
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From what you share it sounds like you got very addicted to game playing. Too much game playing is not healthy for your mind. You need to put more focus in the real world and reality.
This affects just a lot more than my performance in games, I use games as a way to find out what exactly is going on in my head that's causing me to do things worse. I hardly ever play online because of how overwhelming these feelings are and how disheartening it is realizing you cant get better. So far I've come to realize that this is definitely a problem with my mindset, for some reason I tend to always expect myself to fail and because of this, for some reason, causes me to do things worse than I should. Hopefully I'm on the right track but even if I am I still dont know how to reverse this type of thinking since I'm so used to it. Fighting against it stresses me out and overwhelmes me. Thank you for responding!
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Default Aug 29, 2020 at 10:32 PM
  #9
Thank you, I'll check it out tonight! Thanks for responding
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Default Sep 02, 2020 at 04:29 PM
  #10
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Originally Posted by Fractal Night View Post
Mindfulness Meditation. I'll see if I can find some links to post here, to give you a better idea of what I'm talking about.
Can you send some links please?
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Default Sep 04, 2020 at 09:33 PM
  #11
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Can you send some links please?
Headspace.com
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Default Sep 07, 2020 at 05:45 PM
  #12
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Originally Posted by Cuffed View Post
Can you send some links please?
The Science Behind Mindfulness Meditation - YouTube

Mindfulness Of Thoughts And Emotions - YouTube

There is so much more information out there, but hopefully this will get you started on the basic concept.
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Thanks for this!
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