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Default Oct 11, 2020 at 07:55 AM
  #1
Is there a place in here to talk about parenting w/ Mental Health Issues?
I worry SO much about my parenting. I have my kid in counseling to make sure I'm not screwing things up but I have an eldest child who no longer lives with me who insists that I'm a horrible abusive parent. I love this child and have from the moment I found out I was pregnant, and devoted my entire being to being a good parent, but I didn't even know I had PTSD and anxiety and depression until this child was an adult. What if I was doing horrible things and not knowing it? I know I wasn't perfect, I know for sure I yelled many times and lost patience, but I never said mean stuff, called names, used any kind of force or violence. I remember yelling, "I can't believe you did that!" and "I am so frustrated!" and stuff like that.
My youngest shows no signs of being abused, counselor thinks everything is great and I'm a great parent, but I read stuff about scapegoating and so on and that says people can be different parents w different kids, and so I'm absolutely terrified...... terrified that one day I'll find out that eldest child is right and I was a horrible abusive parent. I struggle with the idea that two truths can be true - that I wanted to be a fabulous parent and I worked hard to be a fabulous parent, but my child did not experience me as a fabulous parent.
At least as a teenager. We were super close until the teen years and that's when everything went bad.
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Default Oct 11, 2020 at 01:02 PM
  #2
I think everybody worries that they were a terrible parent at times. Nobody sits there and says "Gee! I was such a super duper parent!" Teenagers pull away from their parents- that's their job; it's part of becoming independent. I used to worry that my kids are affected by my not being calms and beatific every moment. But that balances out - or MORE than balances out!- with all the good between you two. Remember all the good times you had. Remember the times you put them on your lap when they were crying and rocked them until they were no longer sad. The times you went on a fun trip - the times you went on a walk and showed them all about nature, etc.

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Default Oct 12, 2020 at 08:43 AM
  #3
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I think everybody worries that they were a terrible parent at times. Nobody sits there and says "Gee! I was such a super duper parent!" Teenagers pull away from their parents- that's their job; it's part of becoming independent. I used to worry that my kids are affected by my not being calms and beatific every moment. But that balances out - or MORE than balances out!- with all the good between you two. Remember all the good times you had. Remember the times you put them on your lap when they were crying and rocked them until they were no longer sad. The times you went on a fun trip - the times you went on a walk and showed them all about nature, etc.
Thank you for that. I do remember lots of good times, & good things I did, I just sometimes see a thread where people are talking about how horrible their parents were, and how parents are in denial about how horrible they were and I think, OH NO what if that's me!?!?
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Default Oct 13, 2020 at 03:10 AM
  #4
Hey @Toughcooki I so identify and I wanted to validate your experiences. I have BPII and I and a recovering alcoholic (8 yrs). The bad part of my alcoholism was "only" for a year. But that year was hell for my family. Also I used to have "fugue" states where I was out of hand and not med compliant. But I was the best parent I could be at the time. Involved, supportive raised my children with love. We were a close knit family. My oldest daughter unfortunately must have gotten some addict genes from me and has her own troubles. Have you ever say down with your oldest and listened to what he says happened? Have you validated his experiences? You may disagree and not remember( or it didnt happen) but his resentment comes from somewhere. In AA there is a step where you sit down with the people you harmed and made amends. Making amends isnt necessarily apologizing its acknowledgement of someone's experiences. Its validating the pain. Its not like admitting fault because its not about that. Would you consider something like that? Taking action is a way of purging the guilt

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Default Oct 13, 2020 at 07:48 AM
  #5
I asked and asked and asked. For years. "What happened? What did I do? What have I done?" And eldest will only say that I'm a horrible person, a horrible mother, and just generally awful. I can't accept that, and so we don't talk anymore.

When eldest was younger, those accusations would only happen during a conflict. I'd say, later, when we'd both cooled down - that if it's true that you feel that way, please tell me and tell me what I've done to make you feel that way, bc I don't want that to be the case. ----- and eldest would say oh, no, Mom, it's not true, you're a great mom, I just say that bc I'm mad. It's not true....... And then next time eldest was mad, it would be back to 'you are awful in all the ways' -- and I would say, 'look, last times you said you only say this bc you're mad, and it's not a kind thing to say, I don't like it.' -- eldest (mad) would then say, oh, I only said THAT because I was afraid of what you'd do if I told you the truth.
And then when eldest wasn't mad anymore it was time to take it all back.
And then eldest would get mad and dump it all out again.
And then eldest wasn't mad and would take it all back.
Now that eldest is older, it became just 'you are awful' all the time. Unless there's a need for $$ and then I stop being awful for as long as it takes to ask for $$.
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Default Nov 30, 2020 at 01:01 PM
  #6
You know what you need to do to be a good parent and you know what to do to be a bad parent. Its all you. Just be supportive do not be an enabler. Love your child unconditionally but use discipline on the child whenever you need to. My mother never disciplined her children, they grew up not respecting her. I was her best friend, but sadly she passed and i wish she talked to someone about her distress.
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Default Nov 30, 2020 at 01:55 PM
  #7
Usually it's not about dicipline but instead teaching children about boundaries. Often our children get angry because when they end up going out on their own they end up suffering because the parent did not teach them how to have boundaries.

Often a child observes their parents not respecting each other's boundaries. They begin to see this as "normal" and may end up with a partner that doesn't respect their boundaries and they suffer. The reason they pick the wrong partner is because what they choose "feels familiar" and they tend to like familiar when in reality this familiar isn't healthy.
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Default Nov 30, 2020 at 03:14 PM
  #8
There's no such thing as perfect Parenting, people simply try to do their Best. Can i ask You how Old is Your Eldest? if he's still in his teenage Years i'd say his behavior is quite "normal". In any case, we ALL make mistakes And i wouldn't dwell too much on it And on Past Regrets. Simply Focus on Being the Best Parent You can Be. SEnding many Safe, Warm Hugs to BOTH You, @Toughcooki, Your Family, Your FriEnds, Your children And ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting And keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Nov 30, 2020 at 05:01 PM
  #9
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Originally Posted by Toughcooki View Post
Is there a place in here to talk about parenting w/ Mental Health Issues?
I worry SO much about my parenting. I have my kid in counseling to make sure I'm not screwing things up but I have an eldest child who no longer lives with me who insists that I'm a horrible abusive parent. I love this child and have from the moment I found out I was pregnant, and devoted my entire being to being a good parent, but I didn't even know I had PTSD and anxiety and depressionuntil this child was an adult.
^I also didn’t know or think I had any MH issue.

What if I was doing horrible things and not knowing it?
^Is that possible? Do you remember all that happened or didn’t? It sounds like you are gaslighting yourself.

I know I wasn't perfect, I know for sure I yelled many times and lost patience, but I never said mean stuff, called names, used any kind of force or violence. I remember yelling, "I can't believe you did that!" and "I am so frustrated!" and stuff like that.
^That doesn’t sound like an abusive mother. The majority of children love their parents, even often when they are abusive.

My youngest shows no signs of being abused, counselor thinks everything is great and I'm a great parent,
^Does he really need to see a therapist?
but I read stuff about scapegoating and so on and that says people can be different parents w different kids, and so I'm absolutely terrified...... terrified that one day I'll find out that eldest child is right and I was a horrible abusive parent. I struggle with the idea that two truths can be true - that I wanted to be a fabulous parent and I worked hard to be a fabulous parent, but my child did not experience me as a fabulous parent.
^This resonates with me. I have had a rude awakening recently from my grown son which makes me think this thought like you do.

At least as a teenager. We were super close until the teen years and that's when everything went bad.
Teenaged years are typical for when something like this happens...teen hormones at work?

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Default Nov 30, 2020 at 05:29 PM
  #10
The teenage years are the hardest for a parent. Our children ALWAYS test us first especially in their teenage years.

Years ago I either read or saw a talk about how these are in fact the hardest years for a parent and how our reactions can mean more than we know. We tend to be the ones they test the most, they typically already know we love them.
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Default Dec 01, 2020 at 07:39 AM
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There's no such thing as perfect Parenting, people simply try to do their Best. Can i ask You how Old is Your Eldest? if he's still in his teenage Years i'd say his behavior is quite "normal". In any case, we ALL make mistakes And i wouldn't dwell too much on it And on Past Regrets. Simply Focus on Being the Best Parent You can Be. SEnding many Safe, Warm Hugs to BOTH You, @Toughcooki, Your Family, Your FriEnds, Your children And ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting And keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
Mid-20s. I was hoping that it'd settle down, but once I went no-contact due to threats and name-calling and yelling, it's actually gotten worse. It's like eldest is now furious that I'm not allowing myself to be abused by them. And as odd as it sounds, it feels like abuse. How do you get abused by your kid? But for years of being told I'm awful and evil and the worst of everything and the cause of all the bad things in the world, it feels like abuse.
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Default Dec 01, 2020 at 07:47 AM
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Teenaged years are typical for when something like this happens...teen hormones at work?
My youngest is with a counselor bc eldest continues to threaten and do distruptive stuff, plus youngest was bullied and witnessed some scary stuff b4 eldest moved out. Also, I want someone to be an impartial sort of judge to make sure I'm making good parenting decisions. BC of all the stuff eldest has said, I don't trust myself at all, and worry a LOT that I'm not a good parent.
I just don't know - I know I yelled, and being yelled at is probably scary to a young child. And I just can't believe that my eldest could hate me so much if I didn't do anything to deserve it.
Yes, the hormones were probably part of it, but eldest is mid-20s now & the long-distance abuse continues. I have all communications blocked so it has to trickle down through other people, but it continues. I'm just exhausted with it, to be honest, and have considered literally changing my name & phone number and moving to Siberia.
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Default Dec 01, 2020 at 07:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Prycejosh1987 View Post
You know what you need to do to be a good parent and you know what to do to be a bad parent. Its all you. Just be supportive do not be an enabler. Love your child unconditionally but use discipline on the child whenever you need to. My mother never disciplined her children, they grew up not respecting her. I was her best friend, but sadly she passed and i wish she talked to someone about her distress.
Thank you. I am challenged with discipline, but I know it's important. Consistency is the biggest thing. I make lists & post them on the wall, of actions & consequences so we both abide by them.
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Default Dec 01, 2020 at 08:01 AM
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Usually it's not about dicipline but instead teaching children about boundaries. Often our children get angry because when they end up going out on their own they end up suffering because the parent did not teach them how to have boundaries.

Often a child observes their parents not respecting each other's boundaries. They begin to see this as "normal" and may end up with a partner that doesn't respect their boundaries and they suffer. The reason they pick the wrong partner is because what they choose "feels familiar" and they tend to like familiar when in reality this familiar isn't healthy.
Well, I'm a single parent, so no observation of boundaries - and I'm not sure how to set boundaries, so this is something I worry about. I'm in therapy, hopefully I'll be able to work on this. I am working hard to teach my youngest how to ask for what they want, instead of hinting. And how to express what they don't want rather than hinting and sulking. It's getting better. I just say, "You're hinting something, but I don't understand hints as well as I understand when you tell me directly" Or if it's something they want, I just let them know that if they don't ask directly, they won't get it, lol.
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Default Dec 02, 2020 at 07:59 AM
  #15
I've been worried about my parenting too. I have a 5 year old and a 9 year old. I really do try to be AWARE of myself and my actions...I disassociate very easily because of my PTSD. When my BPII isnt controlled (stabilized? I'm not sure of the terminology), I get very nervous about my parenting too. Surely they dont understand why Mommy has to go to her bedroom for an hour of "quiet time," when I get too overwhelmed. Or why she's sometimes really tired. I wish that they could understand mental illnesses so I could just explain to them that's why I do things that "normal" moms dont do. I try and tell myself that everyone thinks their parents screwed up in one way or another and if it wasnt my bipolarness, I'd just screw it up in some other way; that no one gets out unscathed. But that nagging feeling is always there, I get it. All of us mentally ill parents just gotta hang in there, I guess.
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Default Dec 02, 2020 at 09:03 AM
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I've been worried about my parenting too. I have a 5 year old and a 9 year old. I really do try to be AWARE of myself and my actions...I disassociate very easily because of my PTSD. When my BPII isnt controlled (stabilized? I'm not sure of the terminology), I get very nervous about my parenting too. Surely they dont understand why Mommy has to go to her bedroom for an hour of "quiet time," when I get too overwhelmed. Or why she's sometimes really tired. I wish that they could understand mental illnesses so I could just explain to them that's why I do things that "normal" moms dont do. I try and tell myself that everyone thinks their parents screwed up in one way or another and if it wasnt my bipolarness, I'd just screw it up in some other way; that no one gets out unscathed. But that nagging feeling is always there, I get it. All of us mentally ill parents just gotta hang in there, I guess.
Thank you for this... I think 9 is probably old enough for you to explain a little bit, anyway, and even 5 is old enough to explain that mommy doesn't feel good, and needs a bit of a rest. Heck, a 5 year old might be more likely than anyone else to understand feeling overwhelmed & needing a break, lol! Bless you for trying so hard, you're fighting the good fight. I hate it that there are SO many ways to mess up our kids - we love them so much and want to be the best parents possible, but SO MUCH room for mistakes. All we can do is love them and do the best we can, and someday we'll look back, and say, OK I wasn't perfect, but by gosh I tried my hardest, and I loved my kid and all I can do is pray they understand.
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Default Dec 02, 2020 at 09:52 AM
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My youngest is with a counselor bc eldest continues to threaten and do distruptive stuff, plus youngest was bullied and witnessed some scary stuff b4 eldest moved out. Also, I want someone to be an impartial sort of judge to make sure I'm making good parenting decisions. BC of all the stuff eldest has said, I don't trust myself at all, and worry a LOT that I'm not a good parent.
I just don't know - I know I yelled, and being yelled at is probably scary to a young child. And I just can't believe that my eldest could hate me so much if I didn't do anything to deserve it.
Yes, the hormones were probably part of it, but eldest is mid-20s now & the long-distance abuse continues. I have all communications blocked so it has to trickle down through other people, but it continues. I'm just exhausted with it, to be honest, and have considered literally changing my name & phone number and moving to Siberia.
You may have yelled a lot, but you feel remorse about it now. IME, the person who was always yelling, and it was abusive in the way it was done, too, they would never feel remorse.

You said you have a hard time with boundaries. I remember blurting out ‘I hate you’ at age 8-10 and whack, a smack across the face instantly and more abusive yelling... just fyi. That did set a boundary and nip it in the bud I must say.
I’m saying, you took this from him for a long time and it created a monster. Only you know if your level of treatment of him warrants his anger toward you.

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Default Dec 02, 2020 at 06:04 PM
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You may have yelled a lot, but you feel remorse about it now. IME, the person who was always yelling, and it was abusive in the way it was done, too, they would never feel remorse.

You said you have a hard time with boundaries. I remember blurting out ‘I hate you’ at age 8-10 and whack, a smack across the face instantly and more abusive yelling... just fyi. That did set a boundary and nip it in the bud I must say.
I’m saying, you took this from him for a long time and it created a monster. Only you know if your level of treatment of him warrants his anger toward you.
I had a similar childhood; I'm sorry you experienced that.
I never laid a hand on my kids in a non-affectionate way - I would call out the ugly behavior, but what can you do? I mean - I would say, "You're acting disrespectfully" or "What you're saying to me right now is very hurtful" or even - "look, you can't treat people this way." But I didn't know what to do past that. It's easy when they're young, you can say, "We will not go to the park if you yell at me"
But when they're older, it's like - all you can do is reason with them, and if they won't listen to reason, they have their own life, so all I could do is say, "I can't talk to you if you're going to yell at me" SO I guess I am kind of doing some boundaries , in retrospect, and have done. but I don't know how to deal with people who just won't listen/don't care other than stay away from them.
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Default Dec 02, 2020 at 08:36 PM
  #19
You sound like a very good mother to me. I think the issue lies more with your son being angry and making you the scapegoat. I hope things get better for you.

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Default Dec 03, 2020 at 07:24 AM
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You sound like a very good mother to me. I think the issue lies more with your son being angry and making you the scapegoat. I hope things get better for you.
Thank you, I appreciate that.
Yes, lots and lots of anger. One of my previous therapists said they think it's attachment issues because the father was never around. I felt like that's a little unfair, lol, bc it all rains down on me, lol. But life isn't fair, I guess.
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