Child behavior, ODD?

I agree with Tisha that parenting needs to be left to parents. Step parenting is tough no matter what even when dealing with adult stepkids, we are a blended family as well. It’s double hard if you try to act as a parent.

Disciplining someone else’s children just doesn’t work. Maybe if you had this kid since infancy or maybe if you were in his life for years. Maybe. But at this point I’d let mom discipline him.

Sounds like he was good for you and your mom. I'm glad. Being a step-parent is definitely an uphill battle, but worth it!

That's the general consensus. It's a shame in my opinion. I let my wife discipline my daughters no problem. They struggled with it for a little while but I talk to them often and now they love and respect her.

Maybe, if the step-parent has never had kids that would make sense.

Oh well. Such is life.

Positive reinforcement works better than negative reinforcement or reactions with children with issues like ODD, ADHD and emotionally volatile kids. It may feel as* backwards but studies have proven its more likely to yield change.

Well I don’t think it’s a shame. I think it’s the same way as grandparents and aunts and uncles don’t usually discipline (unless they become full time caregivers) and let it for parents. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have a good relationship with stepkids. Or that stepkids shouldn’t love their stepparents.

To me, it sounds like being told what to do is causing him anxiety. I've known children like this. They need to be in control of all decisions. So the best approach is to give choices, use humour, and to give instructions indirectly. Some indirect ways are, during a game, via texting, and in a non-authoritative way.

Ok, I guess it is a different relationship then. More like a teacher, but with no principal to send him to when he disrupts the class. I volunteer for Sunday school and there are certain kids that aren't getting the discipline at home to behave in the program. We usually end up giving them alternative tasks to the singing and crafts, etc. since they won't follow along.

I guess it takes some pressure off me to try and be this super dad to him.

Thanks

Ok, those are some good ideas. I will try that. It will take some practice for sure!

Thanks!

I don’t think it’s like a teacher. I care for my students dearly but the way I feel for my step kids is different. Yet I am not their parent. My parents are devoted grandparents but they never acted as “super parents” or disciplined their grandkids. They aren’t their parents

My grandma had an expression, in translation it sounds harsh “all problems come from people not knowing their place”, it really means people not understanding boundaries. In that particular circumstances it was about someone’s meddling mother. But it applies to other situations. I shared that phrase with a therapist I saw few years back and she agreed, it’s often a big issue.

I am not saying you are doing things wrong. You are caring person and you do things in the kind and logical way. And you likely are doing things right. But in reality if you try to play “super dad” while you aren’t his dad, you might run into all kind of issues. That’s just the reality of it. I am just being realistic

Ok, I guess I need to go back and research what it means to be a step-parent. Thanks for your help! I like your grandmother's saying. Very true!

Guy, bio parents fall into the trap of trying to be "super parents" too. Maybe ease up a bit on you expectations of yourself and your stepson? I've yet to meet the perfect human being.

His personality was just super easy going. Nightly, he was a musician in a nightclub and my mom sat in the lounge while he played. So... I didn’t have that much parenting, and I didn’t give them anything to discipline me for.

Your step son being ten and a kid who acts out is different.

I’d think the step parent would defer to the parent. The parent sets the rules for the child. Say the step parent is left alone to watch the child, and he acts out. Of course you are only going to take so much. I’d think you would make up with his mother what you should do, or arrange that she deals with her son when she gets home.

There were times where I saw other moms trying to discipline other moms’ children during play, even when the mothers were there. I thought that crossed a boundary. It’s an unspoken rule that it’s nobody’s place to discipline your kid but yours.

I also think positive reinforcement works best and everyone feels good rather than punished. IDK if your step son has a real behavior problem and possible disorder. If you and your wife can’t get him under control to be reasonable after more united effort, you can discuss it with his pediatrician and maybe take him to a specialist for testing or therapist.

Hang in there! You sound like a good, caring dad.

I also sounds like your ex, the mother of your natural children, was very domineering with the child raising. Did you feel left out then?

Thought these examples might help:

Thanks, yes, I overthink things alot. I give him too much credit maybe. He's just a kid.

Sounds like a pleasant relationship. Im glad!

I never heard this unspoken rule. As a kid I had to listen to all adults. Anyways, yes my ex would take things too far in my opinion. I was abused, though, as a kid and I felt helpless. My ex abused our kids, too. I felt like I could do nothing.

How old is your step son?

I don't feel comfortable saying. I feel like I'm giving out too much info already. Sorry, I get paranoid. He is in elementary school.

@guy1111, I understand. I see that you just really want to be a good father figure. It could be that this child is a bit jealous of you and sees you as competition for his mother's attention. His behavior could be showing his own way of trying to have a sense of control.

It's hard when we are children and have to go along with what adults want. We are always being judged and told what to do as children and there is a desire to have a sense of control for self. There is so much external in a child's world that affects them and they can carry challenging emotions inside them that they don't quite know what to do with. Their sense of identity is very fragile.

I had a doctor of child psychology bring her grandchild to my farm one day. This child was three years old and the grandmother pulled up in a jaguar and when she got out she was dressed as neat as a pin in very expensive clothes and she definitely had an air of deserving respect about her. She exuded the kind of presence where she is used to having the control and is an authority. I only knew she was a doctor, did not know what kind of doctor. I had my pony all ready and decorated and as always she was impressed and we put her grandaughter on and began to walk around my big riding ring. This woman had a presence and manner where I knew she was so used to controlling so I "serviced" that. As we walked around this woman began to order this child to sit up straight. I happen to have a lot of things to look at in this environment including a pond that is very active with wildlife, it's a bit of a sanctuary. And this child would get distracted as is the case with all children this age and this grandmother would constantly begin to bark orders "sit up, sit up" and as we went along this grandmother began to get impatient. Finally this grandmother gave up and asked me to take over, and that's what I had to wait for, that permission.

Once this woman asked me to take over, I stopped my pony and began to give THE CHILD the control. I asked her if she wanted to be a princess and her reply was a resounding yes!! So I explained to her what princesses do so that everyone knows they are a princess. I showed her how I looked all slunched over which is not a princess look, then, I showed her how I am upright and chest up, back straight which is what all princessed do. To that she responded right away to sitting up exactly what her grandmother kept ordering her to do, only this time it was not an order, instead it was about THE CHILD'S choice and who she wanted her identity to be.

After that we walked around and I chatted a bit with the grandmother and if I saw this child forget and get distracted and slouch, I just simply looked at her and asked "How is our princess doing?" And she immediately sat up nice like I showed her, to which I replied "oh yes such a pretty princess you are sitting so nice". What this grandmother did not even realize is that what I was doing was allowing the grandmother to have her identity while walking around and at the same time allowing this grandchild to have HER identity as well. That is really what my sanctuary is about that's the theme. That is something I worked very hard at creating over many years.

When I was finished that is when I found out what kind of doctor this woman was. And a colleague of hers had been standing and observing. This woman was a Dr. of child psychology and a college professor and an author. She began to empathically tell me how I am gifted and should seriously pursue a degree and practice working with children. Her colleague chimmed in with her as if what they watched me do was profound.

I replied, "I have already been working with children for YEARS". And their reply was "oh but you need to do this professionally". So while they were so emphatic and it was a big compliment coming from these very educated individuals who now were an authority, at the same time it wasn't. I did not even mention to either of these professionals with impressive titles that I was struggling with ptsd because what they both got a glimpse of was so badly invaded and destroyed I ended up having a post traumatic stress breakdown. This grandmother was older, it was clear she had surgery to keep her looking young and she really felt she had every right to be an authority. She saw something she considered profound, yet at the same time she did not REALLY see it. It was a reminder of how someone can have all these letters after their name and yet they can fail to SEE.

I held it together until they both left and I put my pony away and came in my house and sat and cried. The reason I cried is because when I lost so much that it broke me down, I did not even understand why I got so broken down, nor did I understand what a post traumatic stress breakdown was. And I ended up totally exhausted in a psych ward and the individuals with these letters decided what I was so upset about did NOT HAVE VALUE to warrent how I was so broken and emotional and mentally and physically exhausted.

I was not prepared to try to explain the severity of what was damaged so badly. And these professionals that came to my farm only noticed a very small part of a much bigger picture. This woman who spent years getting educated and had a phd and taught others saw what I always considered THE BASICS. The difference between barking orders like this woman was doing and getting frustrated and instead FIRST allowing the child to HAVE AN IDENTITY and working around that.

What that child will most likely remember of that day was how she got to be a PRINCESS and rode a pretty decorated pony. When I worked with children, which I did for many years, they each left me FEELING THEY HAD AN IDENTITY, they had gained something, and always felt EMPOWERED.
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"If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michaelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, "Here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well".

Martin Luther King Jr.
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The above message is about respecting one's IDENTITY guy. What I did was help each child develop their own sense of identity and at the same time respect THE IDENTITY of the pony that helped them learn. I did the same thing with each pony I spent so much time training, it's what made them understand, feel safe and be patient with all these different children I worked with. The only reason people think what I do is EASY is because they are watching me work with an animal I spent YEARS training so it feels SAFE and understands what is expected and how they will navigate.

It's unfortunate that many that have these letters decide that if something isn't important to THEM, then it's not important and should not have value. Often their letters contribute to their feeling they deserve to be an authority and can stand in judgement of and somehow be able to decide what has value and what does not. It's this type that would look down on a street sweeper who's life they valued was lost to them in some way, and the only way they might have some respect is if they themselves had to live that life and be that street sweeper.

It would not matter if this grandmother barked orders to sit up, sit up, sit up, or told this child you can sit up now or sit up later. What works better is what I did FIRST, by letting this child HAVE HER OWN IDENTITY.

This child you are dealing with had his own identity, and that's been changed. Behaviors tend to say this, even when the child doesn't quite know how to articulate it. By the time a child turns 7, they know a lot more than we realize, they have learned to navigate a certain way, often in ways we ourselves don't realize. When that changes the child can get angry, even defiant. And that can be towards a person they believe came in and changed their way of navigating, their fragile identity that they have lost.

Given that has happened with you, something you are trying to understand within yourself perhaps thats how you can see how this child is struggling in a very similar way.

Sometimes we can sit with our head in our hands, we feel very lost and overcome with emotions. I am sure you have experienced that yourself. Well, children can experience the same thing where they feel lost and don't know how to understand it much less explain it.

Now think about the street sweeper again, an individual who not only did his job but did it well. Is that not what children desire to, to be a child and learn to do well at it? To somehow have a sense of IDENTITY?

Great story, thank you. I will remember that. My PTSD, too, is what keeps me constantly trying to keep my world the way it "should" be. I constantly battle myself to let him be who he is, because it is in my nature to fix. I literally stress from one moment to the next to make sure I do "step-dad" right while juggling "bio-dad" with my daughters, on top of all my other roles. I wish I could be calm and let them be children. It is very difficult. Thank you for your insights!

You were taught to feel helpless, then you found someone abusive too.

I never disciplined any friend’s child. I’ve had to call their parents to get them from my house a couple times, when the kids were young. Their friends were running wild destroying my house. One boy was smashing his head repeatedly with my son’s wooden sword. I was afraid he’d get hurt... made his mom get him and we were on the porch to keep him out of my house before he trashed it. They were younger than 10.

IDK how bad the behavior is of your step son.